Please help me find help

[kevieb]

I really could use some loving counsel--and some words of strength to keep me from losing my testimony. i have been a member all my life--was inactive for a few years, married out of the church, but returned to church when my ex said I had to leave or quit going to church. i left with a small child and not knowing that i was already pregnant.

i remarrried 3 years later, to a man who had gown up in the church, but had also married out of the church. He had been inactive for much longer than I had--but I was told he wanted to get active before I ever met him--so I didn't feel like he was getting active just for me. We were married in the temple 24 1/2 years ago.

After 11 years of marriage he told me he still believed in the church, but he didn't want to read scriptures or say prayers or do a number of things that LDS families "just do". He did not quit attending church---but he has never been a strong priesthood leader. He has been in the Elder's quorum presidency and has been the executive secretary, taught primary, worked in the nursery, worked in scouts. However, we were never very good at FHE lessons, we did various things and would call them FHE.

He would get mad if i asked him to have family prayer in the morning unless everyone was right there and ready---=he had a very timed schedule in the morning that he insisted on folowing--he just didn't include family prayer in that schedule.

We did not get to the temple often--long drive and alot of nursing babies---we have 11 children between the 2 of us.

We have always attended church regularly and we would get to the temple occasionally. We have always been full tithe payers.

My husband has yelled at me alot over the years, but never used obscenities. We've tried counseling a few times--but our local LDS social services has lousy counselors---one "marriage counselor" we saw told us he specialized in working with children!! My husband eventually refused to go to any more counselors. My own counselor suggested that maybe the bishop could visit with him about once a month---more or less to check up on how things were going and it would make my husband have to be accountable for his behavior. My husband was agreeable to this idea!!!

My hubby was starting to get more angry with me and starting to use obscenities---something he had never done at home. We moved shortly after our bishop had started working with him.

We moved to a different stake--and I felt like I had changed religions. I talked to my new bishop about visiting with my husband on a fairly regular basis--he told me he could do that---but he didn't follow through. We eventually got a new bishop, who also told me he could visit with my husband on a fairly regular basis---my husband was really comfortable talking to him---but he was tranferred 9 months later. In the meantime, since I could not get anyone to visit with my husband---his bad behavior towards me was escalating I am shocked at all the obscenities I was called, the times I was flipped off, how often he would throw things across the room---near me, but not directly at me--intimidation tactics, I guess. he finally crossed the line one night and threw something directly in my face as hard as he could, i immediately grabbed the phone--he told me if i called the police he would leave me--then he thought I was blocking his way out---i was standing in a narrow part of the room, so he through a glass of water and ice at me and totally drenched me (he didn't throw the glass) then he left because he was afraid the police would come and he would be arrested.

My inactive son called our stake president and showed up at his office at 10pm to talk to him--my 17 year old daughter texted the stake president, and my mother also called the stake president. Apparently, my bishop had never said a word to the stake pres about what was going on. My husband was not exactly willing to talk to our bishop.

The stake president told me that he does not usually work with couples--so he only spoke to me twice. he has visited with my husband---but it is too far between visits--and my husband can't maintain the better attitude he comes home with after visiting with the stake president.

LDS services here is worthless--even the stake pres says we have had bad counselors. My bishop has been meeting with me regularly--but the stake president has never talked to me again. So, when there is a problem, i have to talk to my bishop, who then relays it to the stake president, who calls on Sunday morning to ask my husband to come see him that day---this could be quite some time after there has been a problem---and since he is not talking to me,he is only hearing my husband's version---and whatever the bishop remembers about what i have told him.

My husband is now semi-active---and I don't feel like my stake president even cares about me.

There is no way he can help us if he is only willing to talk to my husband.

i know my husband is capable of being a wonderful and kind person--because I have seen him be that way. He will always be a little rough around the edges--and I can live with that , too. But i can't live with being yelled at so often and called names. he doesn't have really good or close relationships with any of our children, although he does have his moments when he does OK. he always says he got burned out of babies---but our "baby" is going on 9 years old.

I appreciate the effort my bishop is making in trying to visit with me on a regular basis--but it isn't going to help with our marriage because two different people are talking to each of us---and yes, I understand that they are not trained counselors---but my husband has a much better attitude when he visits with the stake president---but the take president will go long stretches of time without talking to him. i don't know how that is going to help us---especially if he is never talking to me.

Is there anywhere else I can go for help? I feel like we are totally cut off from the brethren of the church in salt lake---we are supposed to deal with our local leaders---but this is beyond what our local leaders can deal with.

I was told that there is more help and that I can go to the next person in the line of authority above the stake president--but I don't know who it is or how to get ahold of them.

I feel like my testimony is really being shaken up--and i know I have so much anger and resentment built up that it is probably impossible for the spirit to reach me. i don't want to go in this direction---someone please help me!!!

[applepansy]

Your Bishop should know who the Seventy assigned for your area is. But he will likely refer you back to your Bishop. I'm actually surprised the Stake Pres hasn't referred your husband back to the Bishop. And that the Bishop hasn't referred you both for counseling. Regardless of what the LDS Counselors our like you need couples counseling as well as individual. It sounds like there is a lot going on.

Your first priority is to keep you and your children safe. A 9yo shouldn't see the kind of fighting you've described. But then neither should your teenagers.

What steps are you willing to take to stop the abuse?

[Timpman]

Sounds like the bishop is already going above and beyond. Do you know if your husband views pornography? Do you know if he has a testimony?

[Dove]

Hello, Kevleb;

I don't know what your husband is doing behind your back. But, from what you have related, he is getting increasingly violent towards you. I am really concerned for your safety and am unsure of what he'll do next.....

While being active in the church is certainly important, my first concern is for your (and your childrens') safety and well-being. With all I can say, I would say that you run, run away from a husband who is showing that he is willing to throw things at you to manipulate and hurt you. Get into a safe place. Then think about building your testimony.....

Dove