Contension

[DLCarter]

So as I shared in another post I have been addicted to opiates for roughly 10 years. I married a non-LDS woman and we have 2 children.

I had fallen away some 17 years ago with no intention of going back. Years before when my father fell away he began collecting Watchtower and assorted anti-LDS literature, which I read. I have repeated it often over the years as reasons for not returning.

So here I am, in an LDS recovery program, and she gives me nothing but static. I cannot mention the Church without her tossing my own words back at me, which I deserve really, but I am beginning to think our marriage is going to fall apart if she refuses to respect me or my decisions on how I'm going to achieve recovery. I love my wife very much. Of that there is no question.

But is love always enough? Should I move to the rooftops? I cannot simply abandon them, but I sometimes dread coming home because there's always smh. I am worried that since I was a drug user before I met her, that that's the person she knows and loves and once I change, so will everything else, and not all for the immediately apparent better. The only times these days I think of getting high is when we fight. And I'm not going to get high anymore.

[Gwen]

Is she also a drug user? How does she feel about your desire to become clean as a whole (not necessarily your choice of method)? What is her opinion on faith/religion in general, it's clear she doesn't care for the LDS church?

[DLCarter]

Yeah, sort of. I would give her enough of my methadone to sort her out. So when I quit methadone last September, she was essentially forced to because we kept to our promise to each other to not seek outside of what I was prescribed. Really, sharing my script did seem like a good idea at the time. Looking back I don't see how. And once she was free she was very happy about not needing it anymore.

The thing I'm worried about is that we bonded over largely negative things, like our abusive childhoods. In those days, she was 18 and working 80 hour weeks to support her dad and 2 brothers. She was the only one who had a job, and it had been that way for 2 years. I wanted to take her out of there and show her she lives in America and doesn't have to put up with that, and I did. Then, for some reason only known to God at this point, my drug use spiraled out of control a few years later.

She believes in God and is talking about taking the kids to a church service, just not LDS. Though she said she is ok with them going to church with me she will not go, and even though she says she's ok with it, her behaviour of late makes me doubt that.

How messed up would it be if getting clean and taking my life back DESTROYS my marriage? I don't want to lose her, but she is extremely bitter and disrespectful towards me, and I don't know if I can fix that anytime soon.

[Gwen]

Sounds like you both have been through a lot. I understand your desire to return to the church and how much good that could be for you. However, from my perspective, your wife deserves a lot of respect for what she has been through with you. I can't help but think with a lot of prayer the lord can show you a way to get your life clean and save your marriage, the both of you could have so much.

Given how little I know about you take this for what it's worth. lol

Don't push the church on her, keep the church about recovery. Seek counseling, individual and marriage. As you start to change for the better and she seeks to know why you can introduce the principles of the gospel that have changed you. Let her see the church was good not have to trust you with no evidence. I don't know what area you are in but here there are amazing family counseling facilities where they base cost on income/need. They have group counselors that can see the kids at the same time (different counselor) as your visits. Then the counselors work together (sharing only what is necessary) to help the family as a whole not just one person. Looking into something like that might be great for you.

[DLCarter]

I'm not pushing it on her, I would not do that to anyone. I have my beliefs, others can take them or leave them. Not to say you are saying I am, only saying I agree pushing religion on others spells disaster. It would be full of irony as well, considering she is part Native American.

I hope I haven't come off here like I am innocent. Obviously I'm not. I do see where she's coming from. This is Akron, birthplace of AA, and there are literally hundreds of other meetings in this area, and she's thinking "why this one?" Deep down, I think she is afraid I'm paving a road to get the h**l out, but I'm not. I'm just extremely foggy, confused, and at times aphasic, and scrambling to do the right thing amongst several compulsions to turn back. But nothing seems to be able to erase the hurt I have caused her. In the end, I introduced her to opiates, so I feel completely responsible for her state. She quit drugs, but is not attempting to change her behavior, which in the 12 step world equals 'dry drunk' status. Which is miserable.

I am praying that I can show her and my children through my example how much better a person I can be, and I agree with you that when they actually SEE change instead of lip service that she will become more receptive to the church, failing that, that she will at least not be passively angry at me for going back.

I saw a quote once that read "When I got sober, things didn't get any easier. But they got REAL ******* clear."

Indeed.

[Guest]

I'm speaking as one who has only read about addiction recovery, not experienced it first or even second hand, so bear with me.

I've been making some changes in my life that are big to me, and positive. My husband is supportive and happy, but there is struggle in the change. I can see him kind of cocking his head at some of the changes in me, knowing they're probably for the better, but not really sure how to deal with me being different in some ways. I've been pretty much the same for 15 years, and now I'm doing some things in a new way, and that means he has to change, too, without really choosing it like I have.

Change is always hard, even when it's good change, but especially when you didn't choose it for yourself. I expect you will both have some growing pains as you recover, especially if she's an addict who hasn't made the leap you have yet. I'm an advocate for fighting for a marriage in the absence of abuse. Maybe you should talk about marriage and/or individual counseling to help you both adjust to your new normal.

[Gwen]

If she is scared what are you doing to reassure her? I'm a firm believer in the idea that the apology should be as big as the mess up. We can't always fix what we did but if we did something big we can apologize in a big way. lol

Being in the position of the one trying to improve things while the other isn't is a tough place to be. Though significantly slower than if both were working together progress can still be made. It will probably get harder before it gets better. Find the right course and hold on with all you have always keeping in mind which part is yours.