Don't know if I have a testimony or not

[Twisted_Fairytales]

My head is really messed up about how I feel about church. I just dont know what to do. I had some issues a few years ago and wanted to leave but stayed for my husband. Now I have two boys and felt happier about church and decided to give it another go for their sake. But im struggling with it. Im just not enjpying it atall. Prayers are routine, i always say the same things and never feel i get any answers. If anythjng I get the oposite of what I ask for which makes it worse so it feels like its better not to pray atall.

I read my scriptures sometimes but it doesnt sink in and I have no real desire or motivation to do it. I like the ensign but all the stories in there just make me realkse what a rubbish member I am! We dont drink or anything but I dont feel were really living the gospel. None of our friends know were members as it just doesntcome up and id be embarassed if it did. I feel very uncomfoftable talking about the gospel with non members.

Im having some therapy for a phobia but my therapist thinks its not really a lhobia but an anxiety disorder that has stemmed from a fear, and we thknk that fear is death. I really am scared of it and realise i have no idea what comes after if anything and that scares me. My fear has been put lntosomething else to make it more acceptable to me, i mean, members arent supposed to be scared of dying, were supposed to know and look forward to whats next.

Yet, i cant let the church go completely. I dip my foot in and out like a yoyo and dont know why. Im not sure if its because its familiar, what i grew up with and im scared of an alternative that i dont know. Or do i have a testimony deep down? And if thats the case why do i fddl the way i do? I want the boys to be brought up in the church to have the security i felt as a teenager. And i dont want them drinking and smoking and theyre less likely to do so as a member. It would be good if they went on missions too.

I know i cant 'serve tso masters' but ive been tl-ing and fro-ing so long and Im fed up of it. I just want one or the other but theres good sides to both that i cant let go of.

Arggghh I just dont know what i believe or what to do.

[Praetorian_Brow]

You have enough of a testimony to believe the gospel benefits yourself and your family.

I would hazard a guess that many feel like you and struggle with the cliches that seem to be encouraged by the culture of the church. If anything, you are honest and that is a quality trait that can be lacking, even from other church members. Don't be so hard on yourself and the less you compare yourself to others, the better.

[EarlJibbs]

Hello Twisted! I do wish you the best in your search.

I hope you dont mind my opinion in the matter. However, please take this for what it is. I have only what you have described above and we all know that it is much deeper than this.

1. The issues that you had a few years ago, are they resolved? Is your Husband a member and is that what made you stay? Maybe meeting with your Bishop can help resolve any feelings or problems.

2. Routine praying and reading the scriptures "sometimes" is most likely not the best way to go about gaining a testimony. Although you may still feel the spirit, you are not giving yourself the best chance of feeling the Holy Ghost, receive inspiration and guidance.

3. On the lines of Prayers being answered, you mentioned that when you feel like you do get an answer is is the opposite of what you are praying for. I tell my son this every time he asks me a question and gets mad with my answer. If you are going to ask a question, be prepared to hear a "No" just as much as a "Yes". That is the beauty of a question. Now if we are specifically asking for something to happen and it doesnt, that doesnt mean that it wasnt heard nor being answered. I have been praying and fasting for YEARS that we can find help for my 9 year old daughter that has been diagnosed with high anxiety and anger problems. We have spent hours upon hours doing what has been suggested by doctors, thousands of dollars on therapy, prescriptions and many other things. Mix this in with praying for inspiration on how to deal with it. We are still dealing with it. Have my prayers been answered? Well, in the beginning we simply prayed that she be "fixed" which was unrealistic. This is who she is, we have been learning to manage it alongside with her. So our prayers that we can get through it, are being answered, even if they are not on my terms. If we are going to ask for help, be prepared to accept the response. Which in my case, has been spread out over many years.

If we want a serious testimony and a serious answer, we must be willing to put forth a serious effort. Casually keeping the commandments is not a bad thing, but how can it help us grow?

Again, I wish you the best.

[LDSVALLEY]

been there

Don't worry about finding a strong testimony simply put your shoulder to the wheel.

ask for and work at a calling.

attend all meetings.

force yourself to read a verse of scripture at least 1 per day.

spend time listening to efy or church music.

hep the missionaries.

It will be hard, it will take time but your testimony will grow and become strong.

If members upset you ignore them you are there for your salvation and that of your family not to please them or let them stop you from getting your salvation.

Sorry this is a bit blunt and short but I only had a couple of minutes.

Promise you in time this will work just keep at it, don't give up, trust the Lord to handle the rest.

[Twisted_Fairytales]

Thanks =) ive just been given a calling but i dont know how ethical it is to accept it feeling the way i do, and acting how i do. LDSValley cid doing all the things you suggest get you your testimony?

[Leah]

Thanks =) ive just been given a calling but i dont know how ethical it is to accept it feeling the way i do, and acting how i do. LDSValley cid doing all the things you suggest get you your testimony?

Perhaps Heavenly Father gave the inspiration for this calling so that it would help you regain your testimony.

[Twisted_Fairytales]

Perhaps. Its a fair amount of responsibility tho so im being trusted with a lot. I suppose ill have to see how it goes.

[LDSVALLEY]

Thanks =) ive just been given a calling but i dont know how ethical it is to accept it feeling the way i do, and acting how i do. LDSValley cid doing all the things you suggest get you your testimony?

I consider myself and wife converts for 3 years before gaining a full testimony. It felt like we were baptized then left to sink or swim on our own. The only thing that kept us in the church during the first year was our callings in primary. We would miss sacrament but show up to teach our classes.

The question you asked was did the things I suggest gain me a testimony, the answer is YES.

It is brick by brick, idea upon idea, it does not come all at once. Most people take a very long time to gain a full testimony. We get a piece here and there about different little testimonies. Tithing took me 3 years to gain. The Priesthood 4. etc.

Understand you are not unique in your feelings, most people do not show it but many have the same weaknesses.

This may sound strange but the more you act like you have a testimony the more it will come. By immersing yourself in the gospel you put on God's armor to deflect the influence of Satin that I promise is working on you right now.

It is not easy but every time you feel doubt pray, read uplifting books, scriptures, go help someone in need etc and over time the testimony will come. The Lord knows how hard life is here, he has set up his church to help us but we have to do our part. That is why we have callings and different classes in church, home and visit teaching etc.

He has given us the tools but we have to use them in order to be helped. If we wait until we feel emotionally, physically or spiritually strong enough to use them then we will never gain the strength.

You have been extending a calling not because you are the best for whatever it is but because YOU need the calling to help yourself grow and to help others who are in need in one way or other. It does not matter what it is it is important to the Lord's plan and to your salvation.

One warning, in my experience when callings are extended often there is a lack of teaching provided. Do not be afraid to ask for clarification on what the role is, research it on the church web site for training information if it is provided for your calling, ask your direct leaders, or ask in places like this.

You are not expected to know it all or be perfect or do it all yourself.

Don't focus on your testimony, focus on the Lord and he will provide the rest.

Have faith in the Lord he has faith in you.

[Twisted_Fairytales]

Thankyou so much ldsvalley your words have really helped me and ill keep plodding on. Pondering on what youve said and thinking about my upcoming calling which is on RS pres i actually came over and felt really good, and the thought just came into my head, you know its true really. It just came from nowhere. So maybe its there deep own but i struggle to access it and maintain it, i like having a get out clause of not havjng to do things if i dont want to! Thats my personality though im like that in a lot of areas in my life, i run away if i cant fully commit to something.

[LDSVALLEY]

Been there as well. I had to learn that sometimes it takes committing to something fully before we can learn the benefit of what it gives us. It might sound dumb but faking a commitment until a real one comes along does work.

A suggestion find 7 habits of highly effective families by Steven R Covey. The book is not written from the perspective of the church but he was a member until he died. There are excellent ideas that would help.