First real test in our 8-year marriage and not sure how to deal with it.

[Twisted_Fairytales]

We've had quite a rough year this year, it's been very hard. But a month ago we had a fire at home and now having to live with my Mom. It's definitely been one of the hardest things we've had to face but the fire didn't destroy the house, just the kitchen and most of our stuff is fine. We just have to wait for the house to be refurbished by the insurance company before we can move back.

my attitude to life crises is to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and get on with it. I always see the positive and know that this arrangement isn't forever and things could be a lot worse.

My dh however has struggled with it all and he is very down. I think he is overreacting to things and really pesimistic about life in general. He's always moaning about something, never seems to see the positives. He's always complaining he's tired yet goes to bed late aNd never rests when he can. He shouts at the boys unnecessarily and undermines my parenting, such as giving them dessert after I've said no just so they stop whining as he can't take it.

I think he's depressed but he refuses to see a medic as he doesn't want 'happy pills' even though I've said they may not necessarily do that they will give him options. My step mom is a therapist and thinks he needs therapy which he's sort of agreed with, but he's so stubborn he's said he'll do it if and when HE chooses to. No more has been said about it and I know nothing will ever come of it. We're both fairly lacklustre with the church yet he's also refused to get a blessing. Hes also just turned down a calling. He moans and moans about so much but does nothing to change it.

As a result of this I've just been letting him get on with it and focusing on our children who need me and a happy mommy more than ever. He's pulled me up on not being sympathetic to him and I do feel so bad that sometimes I have ignored him when I know he's needed me. I think it's because I've got so much on my plate that I don't feel I have anything left to give after tending to the boys and my own needs. I suffer anxiety and a phobia myself and he is mostly so supportive of me that I feel so guilty when i can't reciprocate. Why is that? But one person can only deal with so much.

I've always been quite a direct person and he's more reserved and sensitive and those qualities in us seem to be clashing more than they ever have. This is the first time I've really felt this way, we've always had an amazingly strong marriage, but when things do crop up neither of us really knows how to deal with them and we usually just sweep them under the carpet and get on with things which I know is no good.

Anyone have anything they can offer me? I'm fed up of feeling like I'm having to gee him up and hold his hand all the time. I could be having a lovely day with mom and the boys and sometimes hell come home and have me feeling low and depressed within minutes as he tears things down or paints such a bleak picture of our lives that sometimes i wish he hadnt come home which is awful if i try to speak to him about any of this he goes so introverted and starts beating himself up saying he is rubbish, useless etc very self pitying, not, ok what do we do to solve this? i do love him so much but I want him to be a little more self sufficient once in a while. Or is that expecting too much, as he does have a lot on his plate but no more than most men who work and provide for their family?

Edited August 12, 2013 by Twisted_Fairytales

[Praetorian_Brow]

He knows that you dislike propping him up and the way he paints life, is probably how he sees it, despite your thoughts that he is tearing it all down. I used to think I was pragmatic about things, but other people saw it as negative. Loss of confidence in oneself can lead to "bemoaning" and when people around you only add to the feeling of guilt, it only adds more baggage. My ex blamed me for who I was, guilt tripped me to death, considered me lazy and zero potential and do you think I felt motivated enough to become what she expected? Nope. The irony is that everything I taught her about a relationship in a constructive fashion, she is now applying to the hypocrite that she cheated on me with. It took me years to realize that seeking therapy wasn't weak, or that no, I couldn't do it alone anymore. Ironically, after me ex told my in confidence at how she was being mistreated by her hypocritical Mr. Right, that she finally said something that was constructive enough to encourage me to seek therapy. The idea of attending therapy and confronting social stigmas is more of a block than whatever the "condition" is of the person needing therapy.

I find it interesting that you fault him for who he is, but only remark in passing on your own issues. I would hazard a guess that you stopped listening to each other and he resents feeling alone, as your sole focus seems to be on the kids, while he does the grind.

My thoughts are you both need alone time, both need therapy and marriage counselling as you suggest that your husband is now a burden that is dragging you down.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Praetorian_Brow