Husband smoking and Lying

[Backroads]

There really is no reason for you to be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

[Leah]

What is the real issue?

Your first post was about smoking. Now you have posted a whole bunch of other behaviors.

After reading your latest posts, I don't think the smoking is the problem.

[notquiteperfect]

First, I'm sorry for your troubles. Truly.

Now, I once heard that addictions are because of nutritional/chemical imbalance so consult a nutritionist or naturopath who can offer suggestions to deal with this from that angle. I've also heard that when someone picks up an addiction, they are stunted emotionally at that point. Also, what was going on when he started smoking, etc? What was he escaping? (You don't need to answer, just think about what the underlying issue is.) Also, the book "Remembering Wholeness" by Carol Tuttle may be helpful. I also suggest looking into the

Emotion Code (for you and hopefully your husband). Furthermore, what you focus on gets bigger so focus on the positive (what he *does* do right, not what he doesn't, why you married him in the first place, etc). Last, approaching this out of concern (for his health, etc) versus accusations may go a long way. All the best - there is hope!

[Sali]

I am truly sorry you are experiencing all this. You sound so exhausted and downtrodden.

Smoking is only the presenting problem here. Underneath this presenting problem appears to be a host of different behaviors covering deceit, control, emotional abuse and a loss of self. You sound as if you are losing 'you' in this. You also mentioned a past abusive relationship. I would suggest some individual counseling for you before you do lose yourself totally and to find out why you are attracted to this type of behavior. You would then be able to go into marriage counseling stronger and more able to recognize exactly what you need and deserve. I wish you well, it's a long journey, but one that may be very rewarding to you in the long run.

Edited to say, remember you cannot change anyone else's behavior, only your own.