Runaway

[cinderella80]

i'm a mother of a 5 yr old and he has been runnin off ever since he was able to walk. his dad isn't really in his life and i know he neeeds a male figure around. how do i keep him from runnin off. i try to spend time with him and everything but it's not workin that well. what do i do for a punishment when i catch him runnin off or doin something he knows he shouldn't. time out isn't workin that well. neither is havin him sit in the corner or spankin him or even havin something taken away. plz help me and give me some ideas

[Gabelma]

My brother had wanderlust - was capable of 5 of cycling miles would take Mum hours to find him.

Have you thought of not punishing him? And sitting down with him and saying that you love him and worry so much when he runs off. Trying to bring him closer instead of driving a wedge between you?

When my daughter plays up and stuff I am doing isn't working we sit down over a glass of pink milk (strawberry milkshake), something fun to eat and talk about it. We start with a prayer and I find scripture or story to read the prodigal son might be good for your son here I have a piece of paper and we write down the problems, then we both come up with some solutions and then cross out the ones that won' work. When I have finished I put it up on the wall in a prominent spot.

For example the most recent one was Ellie not listening it was driving me crackers and I was shouting at her so often, we were both crying waay too much - The piece of paper on the TV room door says - Ellie doesn't listen, Mummy Shouts, Daddy is Nasty to me (she added her problems) - solution is if Ellie listens Mummy and Daddy will use kind and happy words to her. She can't read but she knows what the words say and she 'reads' it to people lol

When I do punish I tend to use logical consequences for example when she was soaking the bathroom during her bath, I started putting her towel and PJs in range - this article on the church website was what inspired me then I read a book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk I am surprised how well it works at least with my daughter

http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Mag...onsequences.htm

Charley

[wordzee]

I love to read this kind of honesty. Only in honesty can the problems be solved. The lack of honesty in Utah, where I'm from, has resulted in the highest suicide rate in the USA for boys ages 15-21 (I can't remember the exact ages, it's somewhere in there. But the fact remains.) So, Bravo!

I ran away quite a bit as a child. I was running away from pain. I had no idea where I was running to but it had to be somewhere better than where I was at. I didn't feel loved or even liked. I didn't feel heard, understood, or appreciated. I felt ignored, hated, disapproved of.

As a mother, if my kids were running away, I would do my best to find out why. Is it a tantrum? Is it real pain? Is it a single unresolved event? I have a daughter who HOLDS on to EVERYTHING. When she was a baby, if I said no to crackers in the early morning, she would still be asking for them as she went to bed for the night....and no...i didn't give in. That would have been big trouble for her and us.

It all hinges on the 'why' for me. Children are in the process of learning how to deal with all their thoughts and feelings. They simply don't know how. As a matter of fact, most parents don't either. Often it's the blind leading the blind which erupts into volcano's of spewing hot rock and ash. The more we are able to examine ourselves and the more we take time with our children, the more chance at happiness we'll have regardless of the challenges our lives has presented us with.

I have to state the obvious because I'm new here and maybe it's not obvious coming from me. Nothing, nothing, nothing is fixable without the help of Heavenly Father. He is all, in all, over all. And yes, even those who are atheist, are sustained by His Light..though unrecognized, unappreciated, and mocked. For those of us who Love God, go to Him, beg Him, plead with Him, our lives take on a different portion of of the Light. That portion enables us to grow in ways unimaginable.

For example the most recent one was Ellie not listening it was driving me crackers and I was shouting at her so often, we were both crying waay too much - The piece of paper on the TV room door says - Ellie doesn't listen, Mummy Shouts, Daddy is Nasty to me (she added her problems) - solution is if Ellie listens Mummy and Daddy will use kind and happy words to her. She can't read but she knows what the words say and she 'reads' it to people lol

When I do punish I tend to use logical consequences for example when she was soaking the bathroom during her bath, I started putting her towel and PJs in range - this article on the church website was what inspired me then I read a book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk I am surprised how well it works at least with my daughter

http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Mag...onsequences.htm

Charley

[shanstress70]

Cinderella, my child has always wanted to run and do his own thing. Once when he was two, we had a close call when he ran out the door of a restaurant where I was paying and into the parking lot in about 2 seconds. Since then I have never let that be a possibility. If we're in a store, I still keep him in the shopping cart even though he's a tall one and his legs are hard to get in there! We also have a rule that if he's on the white (sidewalk) he can walk beside me without holding my hand. But on the black he has to always hold my hand, or onto my shirt if my hands are full. He knows that if he breaks this rule, he doesn't get to accompany to Target or wherever next time I go. Good luck with him... that can be really dangerous if you don't get a handle on him. There are some deranged people out there who would pick him up in a heartbeat!

It may help to scare the heck out of him, as bad as it sounds. My child has never had a healthy fear of strangers, so I resorted to explaining how most people are good, but there are some really bad people out there who take children and never let them see their parents again... or may kill them. That seemed to have worked, as morbid as it is. Anyway, explain to him that you wouldn't care if you didn't love him, but that you don't want anyone to take him from you.

Gabelma, I really appreciated the link you provided. I've been having a challenging time parenting my EXTREMELY active and 'spirited' 4 yr old. He has so much energy that it's difficult to take him anywhere, and has been since before he could even walk. And he's not that great at following directions, like when I ask him to pick up his toys or wash his hands, or whatever.

It seems like I've been fussing and raising my voice all the time lately. That article made me take a step back and wonder why I'm doing all this fussing when obviously it doesn't work. Yesterday I explained to him that I wasn't going to raise my voice anymore, but would calmly give him one warning, then he would face a consequence. He wouldn't pick up his toys when I asked. I calmly said that if he didn't pick them up immediately I was going to throw them away. He whined and I threw them away with no fanfare. When it was time for bed, he went immediately after he picked up his stuff.

Hopefully this will begin a new chapter with my family. My husband thinks it's a great idea too.

[sixpacktr]

I love to read this kind of honesty. Only in honesty can the problems be solved. The lack of honesty in Utah, where I'm from, has resulted in the highest suicide rate in the USA for boys ages 15-21 (I can't remember the exact ages, it's somewhere in there. But the fact remains.) So, Bravo!

Just to clarify, because your comment implies that the church drives people to commit suicide:

Higher Utah suicide rates are not due to stresses within the church

By: Craig Kartchner

Date: 25 March 2002

Source: Daily Universe / BYU NewsNet

URL: http://newsnet.byu.edu/story/37883

Utah is the land of Jell-O and funeral potatoes, but it also has a more somber quirk.

The Beehive State is included in the region with the highest suicide rate in the nation.

The U.S. Census Bureau reports suicide accounts for 14.3 percent of violent deaths in Utah, compared to 9.4 percent in the United States.

Suicide was the No. 1 cause of death in Utah for 25- to 44-year-old men, and the second-leading cause of death among men aged 15 to 24. The state has been above the national average for suicides several decades in a row.

Sterling C. Hilton, assistant professor in the statistics department, said the natural tendency is to assume that since Utah has a predominantly Latter-day Saint population, the church must contribute to the level of depression and suicides in Utah.

But he and other BYU statisticians recently conducted a study that concluded just the opposite is true.

"No evidence suggests that church demands and pressures on its members account for the high suicide rate in Utah," Hilton said.

The study, published in the March 1 issue of the American Journal of Epidemiology, targeted Utah men between the ages of 15 and 34, and cross-referenced their activity in the Church of Jesus Christ.

Active members were found to be seven times less likely to commit suicide than their less-active peers, according to the study.

"Many factors of religiosity relate to lowered suicide rates," Hilton said. "Latter-day Saints believe in a higher being, an afterlife, and the sanctity of life. They believe life, in and of itself, is precious. The church also has an elaborate social support system."

Hilton said activity in any religion decreased the risk of suicide. But adherence to the Latter-day Saint faith in particular lowered the chances of suicide because the church prohibits alcohol use outright, whereas most religions only discourage abuse.

Alcohol abuse is directly linked to suicidal tendencies, he said.

The church activity level of the men studied was determined by whether or not they had the appropriate priesthood calling for their age. In other words, if a 16-year-old had been ordained to the office of a priest, he was considered active.

The study does not account for the higher suicide rate in Utah overall, a statistic that has baffled sociologists for decades.

But Hilton emphasized the point that the entire Intermountain West Region of seven or eight states has above-average suicide rates.

"Utah was at the lower end of the scale in the region," Hilton said.

Dan Judd, author of "Religion, Mental Health, and the Latter-day Saints," hypothesized on the reasons behind the increased suicide rates in the Intermountain West.

"Nevada pulls the region much higher, and I think possibly westerners have more access to weapons and firearms," Judd said.

Judd found that suicide rates at BYU are lower than other college campuses, and contends that it's spurious to assume that depression or suicides are linked to the church.

Mirroring Utah's suicide rate is the level of anti-depressant usage.

More Utahns take Prozac-style drugs than in any other state, according to a study conducted in June of 2001 by Express Scripts, a pharmacy benefit management firm.

The study indicated that Utah residents average 1.1 prescriptions per person per year of medications such as Prozac, Zoloft, and Paxil. The national average is 0.7.

"Oregon and Maine also had above average anti-depressant usage, but those states' percentage of overcast days and average length of winter could explain the increased number of depressed residents," said Jim Jorgenson, director of pharmacy services for the University of Utah.

No such weather explanations exist in Utah, which has a high percentage of sunny days and average winter duration, he said.

Jorgenson said Utah women, the group accounting for the largest percentage of anti-depressant use, are under larger amounts of stress than their counterparts in other states because of large family size in Utah.

He also said some experts believe pressures on time and emotions could explain the high Prozac usage among Latter-day Saints.

Judd offered an additional hypothesis after stressing that Utah's usage of anti-depressants does not indicate there is a higher lever of depression in the state.

"Utahns are more educated per capita than residents of other states," he said. "So instead of trying to ignore mental problems or medicate it on our own with alcohol or something else, we tend to seek professional help. We try to address our problems through legal legitimate ways."

IMO, it would seem that those without a direction in their life would be more likely to do this than those that do. I would wager that the suicide rate among those that are faithful attendees of other churches would find nearly identical results, but that too is just my opinion...

[Gabelma]

Gabelma, I really appreciated the link you provided. I've been having a challenging time parenting my EXTREMELY active and 'spirited' 4 yr old. He has so much energy that it's difficult to take him anywhere, and has been since before he could even walk. And he's not that great at following directions, like when I ask him to pick up his toys or wash his hands, or whatever.

It seems like I've been fussing and raising my voice all the time lately. That article made me take a step back and wonder why I'm doing all this fussing when obviously it doesn't work. Yesterday I explained to him that I wasn't going to raise my voice anymore, but would calmly give him one warning, then he would face a consequence. He wouldn't pick up his toys when I asked. I calmly said that if he didn't pick them up immediately I was going to throw them away. He whined and I threw them away with no fanfare. When it was time for bed, he went immediately after he picked up his stuff.

Hopefully this will begin a new chapter with my family. My husband thinks it's a great idea too.

I am one of those people who when I face a problem start reading lol so have lots of books

I think our children have a similar temperament - Ellie is very high spirited and strong willed., I am fortunate I probably have ADD/ADHD myself (was diagnosed with very old terms for this and Dyspraxia) which helped me until she hit 3. Tantrums I took in my stride, but whining and arguing I could not deal with I had decided I would never ever spank a child but I was getting very close, found that article and the book I mentioned which seems very instep with what the gospel teaches - and my daughter has turned round almost over night - we count to 3 if it doesn't happen I tell her the consequence and just do it - things like if you don't take your clothes off you can go in the bath full dressed - just glad she didn't take me up on this mornings I threatend to take her out naked if she didn't get dressed. If you can get hold of Montessori books as well that might help I find if Ellie has ways to become independent that when she grows most. I do use time out but it is only for anger or violence - as those are the occasions I want her to learn to walk away, it has a picture of Winnie the Pooh and is called the Thotful Spot.

Some other things we have done recently is to sit down and make a family code of honour together, and I have been teaching her some basic meditation (used the book Little Buddhas for that) which helps her calm down - Family Home Evening this week we are making Ellie a little contemplation space where she can say her prayers (not the same as the Thotful Spot lol), want to put some pictures and make a prayer pillow.

I do know that slowly our family is starting to respond and I am shouting much less and enjoying Ellie more again.

Charley

[shanstress70]

I am one of those people who when I face a problem start reading lol so have lots of books

Me too... and I've got tons of parenting books! Is that book you're talking about called '1-2-3 Magic', by chance? I started using that when my son was not quite 3 and it didn't work for us. But I'm thinking about trying it again now that he's closer to 5.

[Gabelma]

<div class='quotemain'>

I am one of those people who when I face a problem start reading lol so have lots of books

Me too... and I've got tons of parenting books! Is that book you're talking about called '1-2-3 Magic', by chance? I started using that when my son was not quite 3 and it didn't work for us. But I'm thinking about trying it again now that he's closer to 5.

No its called How to Talk so Your Children will Listen and How to Listen so Your Children will talk - I do use 1,2,3 but that happened naturally as part of the logical consequences - I find a combination of the 2 works, I tell her what will happen then count to 3. Usually we only get to 1 these days - nearly made it to 3 yesterday lol I was using bribery though if she got round the store she culd have a My Little Pony

Charley

[shanstress70]

Glad to know I'm not the only parent who uses bribery! We just came home from buying a new living room furniture set and that took a while. Aside from running and landing on a couch headfirst and hitting a hard part with his head which made him cry in pain, he did great, and got a Hot Wheels motorcycle.

[Annabelli]

i'm a mother of a 5 yr old and he has been runnin off ever since he was able to walk. his dad isn't really in his life and i know he neeeds a male figure around. how do i keep him from runnin off. i try to spend time with him and everything but it's not workin that well. what do i do for a punishment when i catch him runnin off or doin something he knows he shouldn't. time out isn't workin that well. neither is havin him sit in the corner or spankin him or even havin something taken away. plz help me and give me some ideas

The best advice that I was ever given was "keep them busy." A child can take on one parent, two parents, and four grandparents...."look who's in charge of me! yippie!!!" And off he goes! Kids at that age love to play and chase is a favorite.

That's why God invented piggy banks. So little ones can put pennies in one by one, shake them all out and do it again.

A bath is not finished until "you're all wrinkly and Mom, sitting on a toweled toilet seat, has finished reading her magazine." LOL

[pushka]

Lol Annabelli! Your post was very true, but made me giggle :)