Confession Guidelines

[MorningStar]

I just think you have to be realistic about it. It's going to happen despite your best efforts to help your kids avoid it. You can't shelter them from it forever and completely. So, I think it's important that you have the kind of relationship that if something like that happens they'll be willing to talk about it with you and get help if they need it. On the other hand, if you never talk about things like that, your kids will probably not be comfortable bringing their problems to you.

It scares me how people say pornography is more addictive than heroin. The idea that "it's going to happen" is like hearing, "Eventually someone will inject heroin into your sons' veins." I have a lot of friends and relatives who have been devastated by this, so yeah, I have to be realistic, but I'm going to do everything in my power to keep this garbage away from my kids. I don't want their marriages turned upside down someday, or for them to become unemployable like a friend's husband was, and I don't want them to grow up hating themselves for not being able to control it.

[MorningStar]

Whenever I have talked with the bishop I have had nothing but good experiences. If you need to talk to your bishop I would advise you to not delay.

I'll keep that in mind. My goal is to never have anything to confess to the bishop because I had a pretty unpleasant experience myself. Most of my bishops have been great.

[MorningStar]

Perhaps, but it seems that which is easy to confess is easy to repeat. How hard is it to confess to a box with ears, than a real person sitting there looking at you, even if there is compassion and sorrow in his eyes? I do think there is a very good reason Heavenly Father has us confess to our leaders and not to a box.

I agree with you. And I think it's nice to know you're talking to someone who knows you and loves you.

[amantheycalljayne]

Do you feel it's OK for a young woman to share that problem with her bishop, or do you think it should be resolved a different way?

Yes totally! You should be able to tell your bishop anything! And I mean anything. Yes a bishop has the right to ask the question about anything including masturbation from woman or man. Usually they ask because something that was said brings up the question. Sometime especially for young men they just have to ask because its kind of a standard question now.

Now there have been cases in the past of Bishops making advances towards young women and so on. We live in an imperfect world it happens sometimes. You know what is right and wrong, if he does something wrong, DON'T LET HIM AND TELL SOMEONE!

[DrewM]

It scares me how people say pornography is more addictive than heroin. The idea that "it's going to happen" is like hearing, "Eventually someone will inject heroin into your sons' veins." I have a lot of friends and relatives who have been devastated by this, so yeah, I have to be realistic, but I'm going to do everything in my power to keep this garbage away from my kids. I don't want their marriages turned upside down someday, or for them to become unemployable like a friend's husband was, and I don't want them to grow up hating themselves for not being able to control it.

I think a big part of the addiction cycle is that it isn't talked about. I think a young person who is exposed to such stuff can overcome it if it is brought out in the open quickly. What normally happens is there is so much shame involved that they don't dare talk to parents or bishops for help. They're too ashamed. On the other hand, if there is open dialog on such things, they're more likely to get the help they need right away. Many just don't get the help they need soon enough.

[MorningStar]

Yes totally! You should be able to tell your bishop anything! And I mean anything. Yes a bishop has the right to ask the question about anything including masturbation from woman or man. Usually they ask because something that was said brings up the question. Sometime especially for young men they just have to ask because its kind of a standard question now.

Now there have been cases in the past of Bishops making advances towards young women and so on. We live in an imperfect world it happens sometimes. You know what is right and wrong, if he does something wrong, DON'T LET HIM AND TELL SOMEONE!

Hi! Thanks for your input. :)

I'm wondering though how you can ease the fears of women who have been victimized by men repeatedly. How can they get over their fear of sharing anything of a sexual nature with a bishop? For a young woman who has rarely spoken with her bishop, how can she be sure of what kinds of questions will and should be asked? I don't know how I could ever promise a young woman how wonderful it would feel to go talk to the bishop and repent when I felt a conversation I had with my bishop became inappropriate. He was probably just trying to help, but it felt very wrong. I have been mistreated by men many times and when I was in Young Women's, I believed that the bishop was one man I could trust and I believed it when I was told it would be an uplifting experience to go talk to him. I might be hypersensitive because of the things that have happened to me though, so it's hard to determine what is OK for him to discuss. I do believe that it is usually a great experience to confess, but my experience left me feeling sick and uneasy. I don't really think he was intentionally trying to make me feel uncomfortable, but maybe he doesn't understand how sensitive some people are. Even when I go to a male doctor, my blood pressure goes way high and they have to take it again later when I have calmed down.

[MorningStar]

I think a big part of the addiction cycle is that it isn't talked about. I think a young person who is exposed to such stuff can overcome it if it is brought out in the open quickly. What normally happens is there is so much shame involved that they don't dare talk to parents or bishops for help. They're too ashamed. On the other hand, if there is open dialog on such things, they're more likely to get the help they need right away. Many just don't get the help they need soon enough.

Thanks, Drew. I certainly never talked about my exposure to it that I didn't ask for because it was so revolting and as a 5-year-old, I didn't know how to verbalize what I saw. I would've been mortified to explain it. I think I'm doing well with communication with my kids, because they talk about everything with no shame. Sometimes they get annoying, but then I have to remind myself that it's good they're not embarrassed to talk about it.

[DrewM]

Thanks, Drew. I certainly never talked about my exposure to it that I didn't ask for because it was so revolting and as a 5-year-old, I didn't know how to verbalize what I saw. I would've been mortified to explain it. I think I'm doing well with communication with my kids, because they talk about everything with no shame. Sometimes they get annoying, but then I have to remind myself that it's good they're not embarrassed to talk about it.

I love my parents, but things like sex were never talked about openly. I don't think I ever got a "bird and bees" talk. So, whenever I made bad choices, I didn't feel comfortable talking to them. You know? I think that's the experience most people have. As a consequence, things like pornography become very addictive because you keep it hidden out of embarrassment. I think, at the right time, our children need to know that while such things are sin they can be confident in talking to their parents or their bishop about it if they make a mistake. If they know that, when/if they make mistakes, their conscience + that knowledge will help them repent. If they only have a conscience, it might not be enough in the face of such embarrassment and shame.

[MorningStar]

I love my parents, but things like sex were never talked about openly. I don't think I ever got a "bird and bees" talk. So, whenever I made bad choices, I didn't feel comfortable talking to them. You know? I think that's the experience most people have. As a consequence, things like pornography become very addictive because you keep it hidden out of embarrassment. I think, at the right time, our children need to know that while such things are sin they can be confident in talking to their parents or their bishop about it if they make a mistake. If they know that, when/if they make mistakes, their conscience + that knowledge will help them repent. If they only have a conscience, it might not be enough in the face of such embarrassment and shame.

My friend said they talk about the big M so openly in her house, she has to remind her kids not to talk about it when Grandma and Grandpa are over. She suggested we have a home like that too. She said you need to talk about it with your kids when they're 7, because it often starts around that time and by the time parents finally get around to talking about it, it's already a big problem.

[DrewM]

My friend said they talk about the big M so openly in her house, she has to remind her kids not to talk about it when Grandma and Grandpa are over. She suggested we have a home like that too. She said you need to talk about it with your kids when they're 7, because it often starts around that time and by the time parents finally get around to talking about it, it's already a big problem.

My sister has a friend that interviews the two boys every week and asks them if they did it or not that week. They are open about it and the Dad encourages them to do better when the mess up without making them feel like freaks. I think that's a good tactic, but it's probably a bit awkward at first.

[Carl62]

It scares me how people say pornography is more addictive than heroin. The idea that "it's going to happen" is like hearing, "Eventually someone will inject heroin into your sons' veins." I have a lot of friends and relatives who have been devastated by this, so yeah, I have to be realistic, but I'm going to do everything in my power to keep this garbage away from my kids.

I believe the thing parents really need to watch out for with kids is their cell phones. Forget the internet. They're waaay past that. One of the worst cases of 'teen sexting' (it's the newest form of texting, only they send pornographic pics) in the country, which was on CNN and even a featured segment on Bill O'Reilly's show, was just 15 minutes from where I live in a town with less than 3,000 pop. Yes folks, it's now in the tiny towns and not just in the big cities. I think the BIG thing is to keep that line of communication and trust open with your kids and have them know that they can come to you with ANY problem at any time. If parents could only work to accomplish that nowadays, I think there would be a LOT less problems with teen rebellion than what there is.

[HEthePrimate]

I was just discussing this with a friend. Have there been any lessons on what is appropriate to ask those who come to confess to the bishop, especially when it's young women? Or has it been addressed how she should handle it if the questions seem inappropriate? I don't really want to discuss personal experiences here, but I remember in Young Women's being told how wonderful it is to go to the bishop and repent, how you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, but we were never told what kind of questions we could expect or what would be an example of crossing the line just in case something inappropriate happens. A counselor friend of mine has a theory that many women who go inactive do so because they are too afraid to take the step to talk to the bishop about a transgression, especially if they have been abused by men. I could see how a woman could have a phobia of telling something very personal to a man and maybe it would help if they knew exactly how much detail they would have to go into. Maybe?

I appreciate your input. :)

One of my friends has a daughter who, when she was a teenager, felt uncomfortable with some of the questions the bishop was asking her. After that, my friend and his wife insisted that one of them always be present when one of their minor children was having a worthiness interview. This approach seems sensible to me, but the bishop resisted, presumably because it was outside his realm of previous experience. But the parents reminded him that they have that legal right, and that he had the choice of either having one of them present, or of not interviewing any of their children until they were 18! (Imagine how much trouble the Catholic Church could have avoided had they had a similar policy!)

HEP