9 Scriptures That Are Irreverently Hilarious When Used out of Context on Your Family

Michael Scott combined with the scriptures.

OK so… this is probably a bit irreverent (you’ve been forewarned), but we’re supposed to “liken all scriptures unto [ourselves],” right? Besides, it’s always nice to have a few easy-to-remember scriptures in your back pocket for just the right occasion. If you need a quick come-back, or if you just want to make your kids uncomfortable, then this list is for you. There’s a scripture for all occasions! Check ’em out:

1. When you need to go to the bathroom

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Behold, Jeremiah 4:19.

My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war.

The alarm of war indeed.

2. When your kids ask how long they have to do yard work

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Behold, 2 Nephi 16:11 (Isaiah 6:11).

Until the cities be wasted without inhabitant, and the houses without man, and the land be utterly desolate…

I’m sure that’ll go over well.

3. When your spouse is fishing for a compliment

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Behold, Song of Solomon 4:1.

Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.

Because there’s nothing more romantic than goat hair.

4. Whenever your son is scared to squash a spider

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Behold, Job 38:3.

Gird up now thy loins like a man.

This is most effectively said in the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

5. When you want to show your kids biblical proof of Santa Claus

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Behold, Zechariah 2:6.

Ho, ho, come forth, and flee from the land of the north, saith the Lord: for I have spread you abroad as the four winds of the heaven, saith the Lord.

OK, the ethics of this are questionable.

6. When your kids keep rattling off excuses

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Behold, Job 16:3 (NIV).

Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing?

The parent has spoken.

7. When your husband is just digging himself into a hole

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Behold, Job 13:5.

O that ye would altogether hold your peace! and it should be your wisdom.

You’re on thin ice, my friend.

8. When you want the final word

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Behold, Job 27:5 (NIV).

I will never admit you are in the right; till I die…

I’m sure this will go over well.

9. And after your wife sends you to the doghouse

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Behold, Proverbs 21:19.

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

I’m sure that will go over well. And ladies, you can just as easily substitute “woman” with “man” in this scripture. Let’s be sure to disparage both sexes equally.

Which scriptures did we miss? Let us know in the comments and maybe we’ll add it to our list.

David Snell is a proud member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He's the Founder of The Sunday Pews, and has experience writing for Mormon Newsroom Pacific, KBYU11, Classical 89 Radio, FamilyShare.com and plenty more. He tries not to take himself too seriously and just wants to brighten your day a bit.