slabbing

Hey all! Wow, I completely forgot about me writing this post beyond the couple of days after I wrote it and the initial responses that were made during that time. Thanks everyone for your input. I guess I'm back with more questions on my mind that are sort of a continuation of the initial issues of dating again after divorce. So the deal is, I'm still looking, still forced to do the online dating thing for the most part (I live in Hawaii, SO hard to date here! At least for my age group and what I'm looking for). I'm hoping to take my kids with me to Utah for Christmas to be with family. Being that this (hopefully) presents a rare opportunity to actually spend time with and date people I've 'met' and become friends with online, and possibly even see if something might become more serious, I'm definitely looking forward to this trip. This presents a new dilemma, however. Being that I'll be traveling with my kids, it's almost guaranteed that if I do meet up with someone, there is going to be at least some interaction between my children (who are age 6 and 3) and these friends, one of which may potentially become a significant other. As I was thinking of this tonight, it occurred to me that this is the first time this would occur since the divorce. Previously, my children have 'met' the woman I referred to in my original posting, although just on Skype on my computer. They heard me talk about her in very general terms, mostly being referred to as "daddy's friend". Also, although that previous relationship did not materialize into what I had hoped for and ultimately ended, my children were with me over the summer and witnessed me interacting with this person quite a bit (phonecalls, texting, in addition to Skype - the point being that they have a sense that dating is something important to me). So I guess my question is, what's the best way to go about this potential crossing of paths between my two young kids and a potential romantic interest? Pitfalls to avoid with the interactions that could occur? Ways to talk to my kids about it (whether beforehand, during, or after the trip)? Things not to say or do? Just to give you an idea of a couple scenarios I can see potentially happening - one might involve me traveling to WA (on the way to Utah) to meet someone (also a single parent, of a 3 yr old), possibly staying with friends or on our own at a hotel, and spending a few days there (this one seems sticky - 'group' date, with 3 kids woohoo! Or having my kids stay with a stranger - no thanks!). The other scenario would be finally physically meeting and going out with people while in Utah, where I would be around my family (i.e. they could help watch the kids, yet the kids would probably still meet my friends). I know some of you will probably flat out say, "Don't do it!" And that's totally fine! Whether that's the case or you have some knowledge and/or experience in such a situation, just give me your two cents, really not sure the best way to proceed here. Thanks!

Hi everyone! I've been officially divorced for almost 2 weeks now after a very long, grueling contested divorce that took over 2 years to become finalized. During all the trials I experienced associated with that mess, I became even more committed to the gospel than before, especially to seeing the divorce process through to its end and doing so the "right way". What I mean by that is following counsel President Kimball once gave - no dating, no looking about for romance, etc. until the divorce is legally official. I even kept my ring on until the very end (and then some) just to remind me of the choice I made to go about things in that way! Aaaaanyway...after not being in the position of single guy for the past 10 years or so, it's really weird to be here again! Truth be told, I thought it would be awesome and while it is exciting to think about my future and starting all over again eternally with the right person, the human emotion aspect of dating, wondering, wishing, etc....well it plain stinks! It feels like all those crazy up and down emotions back in high school again when you like someone. I know it's part of the deal of being human and having emotions toward other people but it's seriously so annoying and distracting! So yes, that last comment means I've become very interested in someone and in seeing where things will go her (fast, I know!). This is my first such interaction since becoming single again so maybe not being used to how this all goes has a lot to do with the emotional upheaval (not to mention that this is a long-distance thing, your thoughts and emotions play all kinds of tricks on you when you're waiting for that next contact from the person!). I guess my question is have any of you experienced similar emotions soon after divorce? Is it normal, does it get better to the point of just being a little more evened out and not so up and down? I wouldn't say I'm in a hurry to get re-married but it's definitely top priority for me going forward and I'm not looking to mess around, waste time, "enjoy the single life", etc. Any input is appreciated!

Oh wow - at first I was completely perplexed as to your response. But in re-reading what I wrote, I can totally see that what I was asking might be misunderstood! What I'm looking for is if anyone can help in the ways I listed in finding LEGAL HELP. To put it plainly, I'm in the process of looking for legal representation in the divorce and all of what I previously wrote pertains to what exactly it is I'm looking for. Sorry for the confusion and I hope that clears it up!

To make an EXTREMELY long and complex story short, I find myself in the midst of getting divorced and need big time help. Basically, based on my particular marital situation, our 2 very small children, my hopes to continue to work toward the Celestial Kingdom with those children, and my being male, I need someone who is: 1) A fighter and who will fight for me "until the death" 2) Either LDS or who has strong convictions in traditional family values similar to ours I realize that my chances are slim of finding someone on here who is or who knows of someone on Oahu island (Hawaii), that fits this description. I'm hoping, though, that someone out there at least knows of resources, people who know people, or other services that can get me pointed in the right direction so that I can find the right person. Thanks!!!

Still need help? Not sure what it is you're looking for, but if I can help, I'd be glad to do it. Feel free to PM me.

I'll say it again - GO TO ARP MEETINGS! I promise, you won't regret it! The Atonement heals and overcomes all and at these meetings and with the program, you WILL find out how to access this power. Everything else, in the end, comes horribly short of providing what we need.

My advice - and I know you might think this as just another book or resource, but it's not if you're able to come to know it for what it truly is -> practical advice on accessing the Atonement - is to immerse yourselves in the church's 12-step ARP program. Truly immerse yourself. I know it feels like you've tried everything because I can identify with what you're going through (I'd like some of the same advice as I'm going through the same thing), but I've come to learn that we can never really say we've tried everything until we've gone through a coming unto Christ and the Atonement. It NEVER fails - if it did, the plan of salvation would cease to exist, would it not? Somehow, you've got to find a way to access it and let it heal your marriage. There's no easy way to explain how exactly to do that, it's different for everyone (I myself am going through the long process of trying to access this power with a spouse who does not want to do the same to heal our marriage). I didn't read if anyone else suggested this book or if you've already read it, but for relationships, I HIGHLY recommend "Bonds That Make Us Free" by C. Terry Warner. In my opinion, the only "self-help" book that anyone ever needs in life.

I can completely identify with what you're saying! The mind intellectually understands how we should behave, but the heart is not always right there with it! To answer your questions, yes and yes. It does take time and practice, but I believe it is also possible to achieve fundamental change in our natures as people (i.e. I'm not doomed to be a certain way, just because "that's the way I am"). Relationships are everything in life and seem to be the source of just about all conflict and heartache! The key is to learn about the Savior and how the Atonement helps us become better people. There's way too much that could be said on this topic for a forum setting such as this, but here's one thing that's helped me: Do some kind of evaluation of yourself and ask yourself how much do you rely on self-sufficiency? If you find yourself trying to overcome your weaknesses with iron-jawed willpower, over and over again, and you have these cycles of success and failure, there's a good chance you trust too much in your own limited, mortal strength (and not enough in Christ). When I came to this realization recently of how much I do this, doors to the Savior and the Atonement swung open like you wouldn't believe. Bottom line: we can't overcome our weaknesses on our own without His enabling power! I will say this, though - it usually takes a fair amount of time for most of us to come to this realization. It's a swing of the pendulum from one side to the other -> when the pain of the solution (Christ's way) finally becomes less than the pain of the problem. Until we've come to that point, it seems like the harder, more unrealistic way than just dealing with things on our own (the pain of the problem still elss than that of the solution). So, I guess, in some ways, the countless times we strike out trying things on our own the hard way are all still a part of the plan in driving us to the Savior. No matter how long it takes, as long as we find ourselves there at that end destination, we'll have succeeded and found peace! Hope that helps and makes sense.

Wow, this is like a chilling foreshadow of what's about to happen to our little family. I, like others who have responded, feel for you and at the same time plead with you to follow the Spirit. And if you're not sure about messages you're getting, whether or not they're from the Spirit...then get the Spirit back in your life :)! Do whatever it takes, stop at nothing. I like what Elder Corbridge of the seventy said in a recent general conference - that every good thing in our lives depends on us getting and retaining the Holy Ghost to guide us. Please, from somone who is about to have a divorce and broken family thrust upon him against his will, find out what Heavenly Father's will is concerning what you should do! Good luck.

Emma Smith's story is a perfect example of how judgment must be reserved for the Lord. So many events, so many details, so many emotions - many of which, we don't really know, nor is it our place to try and know. There is much to be learned from her faithfulness, though, no doubt.

Wow, very cool! I'll be sure to watch!

Shoot! I want my 3 year old to be a 3 year old forever!

Hi there, Here are a few that I know of: LDS.org - Ensign Article - To Heal the Shattering Consequences of Abuse LDS.org - Liahona Article - The Tongue of Angels LDS.org - Ensign Article - Hope and Healing in Recovering from Abuse LDS.org - Ensign Article - Agency and Anger LDS.org - Ensign Article - A Conversation on Spouse Abuse LDS.org - Ensign Article - The Invisible Heartbreaker LDS.org - Ensign Article - “Judge Not†and Judging There are lots of others, too. I got the above links by going to lds.org. I typed in 'abuse' in the search box on the home page, selecting 'Magazines' in the drop-down box. Hope that helps.

Trust me, it often isn't. People know people on here, in 'real life'. From personal experience, hearts can get crushed by the things said in these forums. Here's some things to think about: "...When two people marry, the spouse should become the confidant, the friend, the sharer of responsibility, and they two become independent. No one should come between the husband and wife, not even parents." President Spencer W. Kimball "So long as the marriage covenant has not been legally severed, neither spouse morally may seek new romance or open the heart to other people." President Spencer W. Kimball A common idea, both on and off these forums, is that bottling up strong emotions is not healthy. I couldn't agree more. But letting it rip at the expense of one's spouse is probably even less healthy. Whether anonymous or not, let us remember the scriptural teaching that we will someday be accountable for our "idle words." In addition, I have found that we shape how we view our spouse (which in turn shapes how we treat him/her) both by our direct interactions with him/her AND our indirect actions, thoughts, etc. about him/her. This may sound juvenile to some, but perhaps a good guideline to follow is the old "Would I say this if my spouse heard or could read this?" If not, are we not gossiping, and doing so to the one with whom we should be united? Believe me, I know just as much as any of you how much life can stink due to the choices of our spouses. Although it may sound like I'm oversimplifying things, if one wants to rescue his/her marriage, don't compound the problem! Whether or not your spouse knows of his/her execution, you are indeed compounding things, if for no other reason than you've just hardened our heart further. If you don't want it rescued, well then I doubt you'd be posting here in the first place. What I'm trying to get at is the solution to the debate of "public execution" (which I think describes perfectly a lot of what is said here) vs. "bottling something up". Give it to the Savior. He's already paid for it and intends to take our burdens from us. We just need to figure our how to release our death grip on them and allow him to do so. It is an actual act of us exercising our agency. That's really the only thing that contributes to pain persisting, and it has nothing to do with how others have used their agency to wrong us (I have to remind myself of that all the time because sometimes I forget!). I know that sounds easier said than done - believe me, I'm preaching to myself right now, too - but that is THE lasting solution to permanently soothing our pain, is it not? Everything else seems to be a temporary fix and actually serves merely as a bandaid that Satan comes along and rips off of our wounds every now and then. He's one fast bugger and is gone before we can turn around and recognize it's him and all we're left with is the pain of the open wound. It was him, though, make no mistake about it. Toss the bandaid and heal the wound properly so that when he comes around, he can't hurt us. Sorry for the long rant but I give big ups to the OP for the positivity post. For a while, I've been staying away because of all of the negativity. It often chases the Spirit away, ironically, from so many who desperately need it the most.

While I cannot claim to comprehend what it feels like to be crushed by a loved one enslaved by pornography, I have had my experiences in being destroyed by other types of moral transgressions within a marriage. I will say, this, however... The advice in this thread could use a little boost of the Savior's limitless love and how he views both sinner and sinned-against. I'll leave it at that.