rachelbabe86

I just got divorced, and I or my ex absolutely would not date or get emotionally connected to somone of the opposite sex until the divorce was final. They are still married, even if not living acting as marriage. If you let him date you now, then when the divorce is final he may find you boring. Also look at it from his wifes side, if he was your husband would it hurt you if you husband dated someone seriously before the divorce was final? It is your choice of course, but you did come on here for advice on it. So I recommend talking, getting to know each other slowly, but I do not think you should date him, spend time with him in person, or rush things while he is still married. Plus emotionally he probably isn't really ready for a commited serious relationship, even if he says he is. Best of luck!

As I now divorced person I would like to throw in some of my points of view etc. I definitely agree with both of you. Divorce rate is way too high, people are trying less and less, and have some pretty stupid reasons to divorced. I would probably not divorce my spouse if he had cheated, had a porn problem etc, as long as he was willing to work on it, get past it, and get back to being strong in the church. I can not say my problems were not partly my fault, I did and said some pretty bad things alot of times. But I can say that I am completely sure that God told me to get a divorce and it was the right thing for me. Yes I did not always work on it in those two years, yes I was not always the strongest member, yes at some points of the marriage there are things I should have done different to make it work. But after what has happened I know that it was the right thing to get a divorce. And the biggest reason was abuse. I decided I could not bring children into that type of household after growing up in it myself. I needed a father for my children that was strong in the church and tried to have a good spirit with him. Yes I did get married in the temple, and I still strongly feel like in that point in my life I was meant to marry him, I do not regret it, I now feel like after two years of what has happened, him not trying, and the abusive that it was the right decision to get the divorce. I learn a lot from it. Some things I learned about marriage is, it takes three people: You, your spouse, and God That you need to think that divorce is not a word in your home. And this one is very important that I tried hard to go by: YOU CHOOSE TO BE IN LOVE WITH YOUR SPOUSE OR NOT! It does not matter if that person is different than the person you married, or if your not attracted to them anymore. This does not mean you have to love everything they do, or stay with them if they are abusing you. But you were in love with them when you married, and you choose to continue to love them and be in love with them. I was seperated two months ago, divorced last week, I never fell out of love with that person, I just decided I deserved to be treated better, and that just cause I love a person does not mean I should stick around for the abuse if I am trying my best. Right now I can honestly tell you that even when I was thinking about the divorce, times we were seperated, I still choose to be in love with that person, and because of that I still love and am in love with that person. I will let go of that when the time is right for me, but not ready to yet. Dizzy, I love your analogy! I can admit that I let the devil into my marriage far more than I should have. But at least I am aware of that and learned that so I can try a lot harder not to do that when I marry again!

Thanks for the info. I am still a little confused, but that is ok. I like to learn things simplily, and if I can't understand something in the gospel than I just know I am not meant to know and understand everything and move on. It doesn't hurt my faith at all. I don't need to know everything to have faith. I was refering to just the one prophet of the church, that holds the priesthood keys, that gets revelation from God for his church on earth. And as far as I have read there can only be one prophet of the church on earth at one time and that person is President Monson right now. So was wondering if after Moroni there were any one prophet that we know of. Also we are taught that Joseph restored the church on earth again. So to me that means there was no true church or prophet on earth for a certain amount of years before Joseph Smith.

I had a question on Sunday when reading the gospel doctrine manual and just remembered it. I have an idea of the answer from either church, seminary or something from the past, but can't completely remember what I learned. So Joseph Smith was the first prophet on earth in these latter days. So my questions are: 1. Was the reason there weren't prophets for a while before him because the people on earth were too evil for years to having a living prophet on earth? Or do we not even know? 2. Also do we know who and when the last prophet was before Joseph Smith? Was the last ones the ones we read about in the book of mormon? Or do we not know this either? I just couldn't remember what I learned about this before, and everyone I asked had no clue the answers. And if any of you know any answers and cojld give me sources from books, or talks that would be really great too. Thanks!

Hi again, I tend to log on here when we have had a really bad fight and I am at my wits end and feel like there is no hope. Read your advce over and over to remind myself there is hope and figure out what to do. I think I have pinpointed my hugest problems in this marriage, just trying to figure out how to get control over them. Selfishness and Sickness. I grew up in a big family, but was one of the spoiled one, this is because I was the only girl for ten years before me, 6 years after me, the baby for 4 years before next child, and have literally had health problems my whole life, 23 years, that I was spoiled by attention and medical care. This has been a problem in relationships for years. Problem in family, with boyfriends, with friends. I have come a long way in getting better at it, but still have a long way to go. The majority time of our marriage and relationship I put my needs, my emotions, my stresses, my bad days first. Sure I take care of my physical needs, but emotional needs wayy bad at that! I try and try to think of him, care about him, but then I get in a pity party cause I don't feel good, I'm stress, work is heck, or he is treating me badly, not spending time with me etc. I am currently reading "the proper care and feedig of husbands" I think my biggest issue with it, is alot of it apply to women with careers and kids, I have neither, but still trying to really study it and get what I can out of it. My next thought of action is this, ordering "the love dare" book. This is my worry about it though, it is written for the baptist church, with scriptures from the baptist bible I believe. So would it be sacra-religious to read this and try to do the things in it? It is still the same basic principles we believe in I would think. As for my health, it is a HUGE problem in our marriage, I am constantly fatigue, emotional, hard time sleeping, nausea, pains, hardly any energy, and not a single thing I can do for it. Doctors have been no help for years, tried natural things nothing has helped, no money for it, and all just a waste of money and time. And for the emotional help, yes I have ADD, anixety, depression for years, and been on meds for them for years, but can only do so much. So don't see a solution for any of that right now. My biggest question now, is I have been praying, reading my scriptures and other things aot for this marriage to work, and I really feel that getting out of this selfish set of mind can really help us, and help my husband stop treating me so badly. I tell myself to think of him, put him first, not be whining, critcizing, and negative, care about him. But than when the bad days come, the no sleep, the being sick, him criticizing, being mean, it is like that frame of mind disapears in a second and I get all mad, crtical, swearing, name calling, etc. Any advice on how to get that frame of mind to stay when those bad times come?

Were having a ruff day today, and thought I would come back to this post for a refresher on advice for our marriage. Than saw there were a few more posts since last looked at it. I think one of our hugest problems is when I am sick I am just not thinking clearly, have no strength to do a thing. Been really really sick the last couple of weeks, and I kind of feel that me being sick should be a test to him to be patient and treat me well. But after a day of being nice to me and helping me out he usually treats me like crap, and being so sick I can't emotional handle it, and it is a heck of a fight that makes me even more terribly sick. How do you have focus to be nice and calm when so sick? And someone wrote try a arp program, what is that? We are still going to counseling, but it keeps on getting canceled so having it once a month isn't much help. Besides paying for counseling, we haven't really had a bishop to really show care to talk to us and see us about our marriage. So just going to the counseling. I feel like counseling off once or twice a month for the last year...shouldn't we be doing better by now? Are we a lost cause if we been going for almost a year, and still having bad fights? We haven't been able to do all the counseler advised cuz of time, money, problems, sikness. But I can't really get my husband to read the books suggested, write down the things the counselor suggests. He just doesn't seem to care enough to try them, asks like he already knows everything...I just don't know how to get him to care anymore. Anyways, it's still touch and go, but for those who wrote me, just a update for you. Still not giving up, but still hard.

Thanks a ton Misshalfway! Honestly knowing someone else has been through the same thing and made it through it, is really one of the biggest things I needed! I see all my friends and siblings have this great marriages, and I know they have had problems, but never see that they have problems actually with their spouses, so it makes me feel like I am just a disaster and married the wrong person. I don't want to give up, I want to keep on fighting, and that is why I came here and wrote this cause I needed another reason to keep going. And I will try to strive to come here and read all your answers to me when I feel like giving up and it is worth it anymore :) Even though we have been horrible to each other at times, we do really love each other, we just don't know how to get past the pain sometimes. Anyways just wanted to say thank you and that I am finally seeing some hope!

i totally understand that knowing the situation better changes the advice, sorry was not clearer, just didn't want to write a book, and was exhausted and bawling when wrote. We had fights dating, dated two years before we got married, broke up a couple of times for a few days during it. But we thought we usually worked things out. Sometimes I feel like one of those times I really shouldn't have gotten back together with him, but doing so it finally led to getting married. We were in love, been together a long time, seemed like the right next step, and had a physically relationship enough that also didn't feel appropriate not getting married. By the time we got engaged, for the second time, long story there, prayed about it and really felt was suppose to get married. We both grew up with abusive parents, mine was my dad, his was his mom with mental problems. So we both married our parent in alot of ways. He can be pretty abusive and have anger problems just like my dad, and I have had mental problems since a teen, and have a ton of health problems he can't seem to learn to deal with. Four days after we got married huge fight threatenng divorce, since then it has been one after another. We will have a good week or two, and a really really bad one a week later. The threaten divorce happening a couple of times a month when so mad and hurt from the other. The abuse has been physical, emotional and mental on both of our parts. We have been going to counseling with the church for almost a year now, some of the advice has helped. Both read part of the books suggested. We can both be selfish off and on, but both do really try to put the other first a lot. I think we both at times felt like we shouldn't have got married, but feel stuck now. The thing he said that broke my heart he was saying in truth. That he did not feel I was his spouse, that their isn't love in our marriage, no making love, and that he thought of me as just a friend. That totally broke me, just kinda there today. Think the only thing he could say that would hurt more on if he was cheating on me. This morning before work, after sleeping on the couch which he always does when mad at me, he said sorry for hurting me but that he meant it. I just don't see any hope anymore. And after hearing that, don't have much umph to even try. He works down the street and came home for a break to talk, but it got us no where, he just left with us both really hurt. I am just broken right now. And counseling keeps on getting canceled, haven't been for over a month now. Don't really feel like I can talk to any of my firends or family members about my marriage anymore. In December the physical abuse got so bad I lived at my parents a few weeks, came back and still no better. Just got back from living a way from him for a month cuz of apartment problems, and back together and doesn't really seem like we missed each other at all. He said he did every day on the phone, but now doesn't act like it at all. So there is a bit more of our story. I have read proper care and feeding of husband, tried to work on some things on it, but didn't feel like it was much help cause I am not a mom or work full time. Counselor suggested fireproof, but being apart haven't got a chance to rent it yet, but we will now. Thanks for the advice!

Wow, thats a lot of stuff, thanks guys. Just woke up, and its been a VERY long night, got further and further away from a solution tonight, and he said something that just about broke my heart. Need to read over everything again when I can take it in. But just to let you know, we don't have kids, been married just over a year, so no worries there. And everyone tells us we got to get us under control before we bring kids in, which we know. Anyways, thanks for all the advice, I will read over it more, take notes, etc later when I'm not so out of it! :)

I really need some advice from someone who has been close to divorce but found ways to save the marriage and be happy with one anoter again. I feel like the church teaches if you get a divorce after being married in the temple for not a really good reason you are going to go to hell cause you will be breaking your temple convenants. But we are trying so hard and life is getting in the way and running out of ways to save our marriage and we are both just falling apart and ripping each other apart. We have read the books, we have listen to the tapes and talks, we have gone to counseling, but can only change so much and can't seem to stop triggering each other so we both get abusive, physically, mentally, emotionally etc. Its bad, we have found being married brings out the worse instead of the best in one another. It is like maybe marrying him was the biggest mistake of my lfe, but don't know how to fix it now. I don't think we have both tried hard enough to make it work to call it quits yet. Yet at the same time we are bringing each other down to hell in a way by bringing out the worse and most angry person in each other. We go to church, read scriptures, say prayers together, go to the temple, what more can we be doing. And how do you learn to reverse more than 20 years of thinking and acting the certain ways we do to not crash into each other. We know the steps and things to do, just can't figure out how to remember them and actually do them. Desperate for a change, my mind and body can't handle this stress, lack of sleep, etc much longer!

I know how you feel! The sorries, gifts, all I do is resent them anymore! Our fight last night, after he had pushed me, threw things, almost broke my brand new laptop whih I use to be able to work, called me about every name out there, and swore as much as poissble, yeah the last sorry of the night...didn't seem to mean much. We have seperated a couple of times, but it was always me leaving to my sisters when it got to a point when the anxiety was so bad, but I gave in too easily and gave in to missing him and his sorries. And I can never get him to leave, and it is way hard for me to leave cause I have health problems and have to bring a million things cause of this. I also get scared of what he will do with our money when he is mad, almost ready to open an account and move the money to that when he is really mad. Something you may want to look into, trying to close out your accounts from him so he doesn't spend all your money for bills and ruin your credit. She my husband is willing to get the help, but puts on a face and doesn't really follow the help! We are going to marriage counseling now. But when he is mad at me he won't take me...and I can't drive our car so no where thre myself, and no way to escape when he gts mad. But he is trying when at the time he isn't in his evil anger moods. I think all you can do is pray that he will get the help, maybe go to the temple yourself and put his name in. Have you talked to your bishop about your marital problems, if he won't go with you to see the bishop, maybe go yourself and start to go to counseling yourself if he won't go to get the support for you, and advice what you can to from your side to help your husband with his anger problems. Anyways some thoughts. I know you probably miss him a lot, and want to beg him to come back, but if he is getting that abusive than this can be the best thing for you. Hang in there!

I don't know how to send private messages yet, but if you get this, the person who posted this, feel free to send me a message anytime you want to talk. I am in a very similiar situation, and having someone to talk to who understands may help us both. I have been married 8 months, and we had our problems dating, but prayed and both felt God told us to get married, got married in the temple, 5 days later the bad, bad fights started, and no matter how much help we have gotten they have just exculated, and at a point like you where don't know if it is fixable or what to do to help the marriage. So send me a message if want to talk.

Hi, I saw your messae about leaving an abusive relationship. This is my first day on here and not sure how to send private messages, but if you want to reply privately to me you can. I was wondering how you decided that you had to leave? How bad did it get? I have been married 8 months, and starting to get really scared of my life. The fights excalate bad, the swearing and name calling is breaking my heart, it is starting to get a little more and more physical too. I am actually staying up all night, even though I have to work in the morning cause after today I am honestly scared for my life, and for my stuff, he breaks my stuff sometimes when mad, and almost broke my laptop which is the only way I can work. Who told you to leave, or did you decide yourself? I am starting to feel like one woman said, that the bishop, my counselor are on my husband side, and have basically ben told by them that God doesn't want us to break up a marriage and leave one even if the abuse is bad, which I don't get cause the abuse can turn you into a bad person, and make you really sick, and brings out the worth in yourself, and make it sooo hard to have the spirit within yourself even! So I really need a womens preception who has gone through this at what point do you need to leave, and know that it will never get better? He has improved in a ton of ways, and done alot of sweet good things for me, and makes me forget the bad for a time, but when he anger comes out it is all heck break lose!

I have turned to about everyone and everything I can think of, and its not getting better. I had a thought to see if maybe there for some online forums online mormons, and that maybe another woman who has gone through this could advise me what to do. I am starting to really get scared of my life here, and don't know what else to do. Either scared of my life of next tim my husband pushes, hits me with something that it could really hurt me, or scared that I just can't hold on anymore and the depression will get so bad I will hurt myself. We have gone to the bishop, marriage counseling, talked to married family and friends, and it just seems like by each fight it gets worse and worse and I'm so scared. I know it is my fault as much as his, and I know I have a lot of problems, but I feel like I have been trying to follow the different advice from differen't people. I read my scriptures, go to church, say prayers, have read some relationship books here and there, and nothing is helping. The fights are getting more physical, more swearing, yelling, throwing things, saying horrible things to each other, on both sides, Iits like when one person does something the other starts it. I used to hardly ever swear before I got married too! I have had anxiety and depression for years, and since being married it has sky rocketed to even how bad it was as a sick, lonely teenager, in a verbally abusive home. We got married in the Temple 8 months ago, really prayed about it and felt I was too marry him. Even my sister, who is my best firend next to my husband said she felt I was to marry him, despite the fights and problems we had while dating too. Now people are telling me that maybe this is a trial, and that I am not suppose to be with him tomorrow, but I don't want to give up that easily. He has come along way, changed so much, tries to take care of me and be good to me, me I think I am trying but with my physicaly and mental problems I have had for years it is impossible for me to be the perfect wife. I just don't see why God would tell me to marry someone in the Temple that is not suppose to be for eternity. He could be alot worse. I am just so scared that the next time he pushes me, or throws something it is going to be far worse, he is two and a half times my weight! And I am weak! Bad back, neck, can't exercise much cause of health. I have been trying to pray about what to do, but the emotions are so high and hurt so bad, it is hard to get a answer. Than in between the fights I think things are all great, and we are in love and will get past it, but these fights that are at least a couple of days a week get bad. And this is really horrible to say, but I kind of feel a little bitter to God that he told me to do something that has only been hell for 8 months and has torn me apart, brought out the worse in me, and is breaking my heart! Sorry so long, haven't really had anyone to talk to since this last fight today. And want to give you the idea of what going on as much as I can so you can hopefully give me some advice on what I can possible do next to save this marriage, or if perhaps this marriage is going to destroy me and end up I get really hurt. Thanks...