sakuragirl
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Posts posted by sakuragirl
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On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven's Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months... and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.
"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
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1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
AND . . . (drum roll please?)
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
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While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family's faith to class.
At the appropriate time she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.
The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
The second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."
The final child said, "I am Mormon and this is my casserole dish."
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Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' ollowers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak to Jesus they begin to ask for help.
The 1st guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back he felt relief for the first time in years.
The 2nd guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving asked if Jesus could do anything about his poor eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to the 3rd guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
You're going to love this..................
You're going to hate yourself for loving this!.............
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!
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Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
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Sakuragirl,
I am so happy that you found a job. God listens to our prayers.
Keep your head up and your faith in God and everything will work out fine.
Big hug,
Rain
after this ordeal I am finding myself drawn more to church. I know everyone turns to God when everything goes wrong. I have to say the internal prompting to go to church only weeks before this happened says to me, he knew and he wanted me to find comfort in the gospel. My testimony has grown leaps and bounds due to this. I am grateful for ll the help and advice and prayer. I am grateful for this community that helps people with the gospel most importantly i am grateful for HF and JC. Thank you all
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yay...I got offered a job today, its enough to pay my bills and I work mon-Fri so it wont interfere with Church
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I have never understood this "label"...I know only a few who are late, and we attribute it to being "the Smiths are always late", not to the Faith! How did we get this rap?
My very first day at church years ago...People walked in late and the missionaries leaned over and said don't worry, they're on Mormon time. Kinda stuck with me.
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You might be Mormon if you know that half of your dishes are at this neighbors and this neighbors house
You might be Mormon if you have to take two vehicles on the family road trip.
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You might be Mormon if you consider being on time is really being 5-10 minutes late
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You might be a Mormon if your pantry overflows in to the garage.
You might be a Mormon if there's more pictures of Jesus than your Kids.
You might be a Mormon if you have to check the ward schedule before you make plans
You might be a Mormon if your kids disappear for 2 years.
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Well, if he sweeps the whole house, he might find it. Alternately, it could have come off while she was doing dishes.
Close enough, he vacuums the house and finds it in the vacuum bag.
"George lay awake in bed for an hour while counting, but he couldn't fall asleep. Why?"
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Clue....not only did Brad find the diamond he lovingly did one of the chores for her.
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Answer to the spy riddle....He calls for the time to hide the number he called prior if anyone tried to hit redial.
"Brad walked through the front door and almost tripped over his wife. She was on her hands and knees with her face inches from the floor. 'Oh, Brad,' she pouted. 'The diamond fell out of my wedding ring and I lost it! I've been searching for hours! Our house is so big, it could be anywhere!' Brad calmly took her in his arms and told her it would be okay. "I bet I'll find your diamond in the very first place I look.' How did he manage this when he had no idea where the diamond was?"
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not yet....this is turning out to be a mean one lol
P.S: Whoot just made 100 posts
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Are we still on the phone thing?
Yes no-one has it yet....
clue ~ he's covering his tracks
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anyone want another clue
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Sakuragirl,
You don't by chance talk to an imaginary Rabbit named 'Harvey', do you??
Just checking.
No I talk to a rabbit called thumper though
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So it's not that his watch IS his phone?
right so any idea what the answer is
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OK heres another clue he is wearing a watch but not using that for the time
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One day Jesus decided to come down and play a little golf. He brought Moses to caddie for him. He teed off. The ball went high, fell into the top of a tree, bounced off the branches on the way down, hit the ground, rolled down the hill and went into the cup.
Moses said "nice shot,Lord" Jesus looked up and said "thanks DAD"
At the 2nd tee, the ball went way off to the left, bounced off a rock, richochted off a stump and went into the cup. Moses said "nice shot,Lord" Jesus looked up and said "thanks, DAD"
The third tee shot went straight into the lake. Jesus walked out on the water to see if he could find it.
About that time, two old men drove up in a golf cart and seen Him walking around on the lake. One of them says to Moses "Who does he think HE is? Jesus Christ?
Moses replys "He IS Jesus Christ, but He THINKS he's Tiger Woods."
In need of some clean humor!
in General Discussion
Posted
Good News/Bad News for Ministers
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.
Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.
Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.
Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.
Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."
Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men's softball team.
Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.
Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.
Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.
Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.
Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.