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sakuragirl

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Posts posted by sakuragirl

  1. In need of some clean humor!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

    They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

    Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

    Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

    "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

    Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

    Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet

    Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"

    God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

  2. In need of some clean humor!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

    When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

    He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

  3. Signs of the True Church

    in Learn about The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints

    Posted

    1. Christ organized the Church (Eph 4:11-14)

    2. The true church must bear the name of Jesus Christ (Eph 5:23)

    3. The true church must have a foundation of Apostles and Prophets (Eph 2:19-20)

    4. The true church must have the same organization as Christ's Church (Eph 4:11-14)

    5. The true church must claim divine authority (Heb 4:4-10)

    6. The true church must have no paid ministry (Acts 20:33-34; John 10:11-13)

    7. The true church must baptize by immersion (Matt 3:13-16)

    8. The true church must bestow the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands (Acts 8:14-17)

    9. The true church must practice divine healing (Mark 3:14-15)

    10. The true church must teach that God and Jesus are separate and distinct individuals (John 17:11; 20:17)

    11. The true church must teach that God and Jesus have bodies of flesh and bone (Luke 23:36-39; Acts 1:9-11; Heb 1:1-3)

    12. The officers must be called by God (Heb 4:4; Ex 28:1; 40:13-16)

    13. The true church must claim revelation from God (Amos 3:7)

    14. The true church must be a missionary church (Matt 28:19-20)

    15. The true church must be a restored church (Acts 3:19-20)

    16. The true church must practice baptism for the dead (1Cor 15:16&29)

    17. "By their fruits ye shall know them." (Matt 7:20)

    Thanks for your help I found them with the information from palerider and hemidakota

  6. In need of some clean humor!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    A man goes into a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

    The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog."

    "Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

    Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."

    The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

    The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

    The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What??! They gave me a Chihuahua??!"

  7. In need of some clean humor!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

    The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

    Again, the bartender tells him that, “no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

    The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes and if you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your little duck beak to the bar!''

    The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

    Confused, the bartender says “no”!

    ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?”

  8. In need of some clean humor!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    Two guys are out in the woods hiking.

    All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

    The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

    The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!

    The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you…

  9. In need of some clean humor!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

    They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

    The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”

    They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

    The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

    The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

  10. In need of some clean humor!

    in General Discussion

    Posted

    A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

    "Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for the lesson, I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

    The following week at the beginning of the class, the teacher said, "Now all who have prepared for today’s lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please come to the front." Half the class stood up and came forward.

    "The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk speak to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark!"

  11. Thoughts on Infertility

    in Family

    Posted

    This is a difficult subject matter to address however I agree its one of the most difficult things to deal with in the LDS church, because there are so many wonderful children. I have married twice and been divorced twice and the difficulty to conceive has been a primary issue. I married my first husband 2 weeks after my 17th birthday and 3 years later we found out we were expecting. He couldn't get off work so my Mum took me to my first ultrasound and that's when we discovered it was Ectopic (tubal). I was distraught so my Mum made the decision for the surgery. She said after wards the Doctor told her point blank that if it continued there was a 80% chance I would die. My husband never visited me in hospital and when my Mum went to get a couple of things for me, there was a note on the table saying that because I couldn't carry a child I wasnt a real woman and he had to find someone who could actual live to God's Plan and it also said that I must have been truly evil to bring this punishment on myself. I married weeks after my divorce came through, due to depression and wanting to prove that I was a 'real woman" and found out that I would have a difficult time conceiving as one tube is severely damaged. I married someone who wasnt right for me and he spent 6 years telling me I was worthless and that the thought of having someone who 'might as well be a man' was disturbing so he sought solace elsewhere and was extremely violent. He estranged from the church and helped convince me that I was a sinner and not loved by HF because he had chosen to curse me by taking away my purpose in life. I chose to leave him and gained a divorce. Have found someone who says he loves me for me and that one day we will have children and tells me even if we adopt a child that deserves your love you will be a mommy. Now I am 28, married and divorced : TWICE. Childless and the last time I tried church a year ago I was called to primary and it ripped me apart so I left church again. I feel like there is a sign over my head that tells me I am not worthy and that I can never fulfill my destiny. Its really hard to handle. Now I am racked with doubt and guilt, I want to go back to church but keep finding excuses because I feel that people will be looking at me. "theres the sinner" so to speak. Sorry to just put it out there but it feels like its time that I said it out loud

  14. Quick question

    in Learn about The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints

    Posted

    If you cant find it on the map simply look up the directory in your area and call any church office or indivuldual {bishop" e.t.c....} or go online to the missionaries. Or you can contact any member whom you trust to give your address and phone to to get a hold of your bishop.:)

    Unfortunately I have just moved to this area and know no-one also I have only just joined this site 2 days ago. I appreciate your help

  16. Quick question

    in Learn about The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter-day Saints

    Posted

    I have been less active for about 6 years and too be honest I have been really depressed in that time. Last night I decided I needed to come back to church and today has been a great and happy day. Until now, when I realized I don't know where I need to go. In the 6 years I have moved too far away from my old ward (about 10,000 miles) and I really don't know where to start to look for my ward here in the states. Can anyone help me with where to look to get the information.

  18. Hi

    in Introduce Yourself

    Posted

    Hi, I'm new here!

    I found this place looking on line, I have been LDS for 12 years, sealed in the temple and gone through a lot of drama. Now I am entirely confused about my religious viewpoint and feel lost. So I found this to try and connect in a non-judgmental way to help me see where my faith lies and maybe find myself again. I really don't know what else to say. Thanks and Hi!