Ivy64

Ok, I can understand what you are going through, but as a fellow rape victim, let me explain a few things to you. When a women is raped, it does more then just take away your agency for a period of time. It MESSES with you in wvery way. It riuns your life if you don't approach it properly. I am a great example. I don't know WHERE I would be (actually I have a good idea and it is not pleasant AT ALL) if I hadn't gone to a councelor. Also, many assume that raped women turn into men-haters and mistrusters of most everyone. This is one reaction, but there is a more common one people aren't aware of. Rape starts your system - particularily if you had been a virgin. It takes SO much from you so really, it hightens your libido. Studies show that women who are raped are much more sexual active... Here is my advice to you. You need to try to support and understand her. Understand that if she hadn't been raped, she probably would be saving herself for you. You know how many women are sexually abused now adays? You would be saddened by the numbers... Perhaps the Lord has led you to her to learn something? Maybe about the atonement? You shouldn't take what she did as a personal offense, but perhaps this experience is suppose to strenghten your testimony. But most importantly, PLEASE encourage her to to get some professional help. It took me 9 years to do....but it changed my life. I could never be where I am. Chances are she is experiencing the same things I have. The reason she is sooo affectionate, seemingly so laidback and never angry is because of this abuse. I say this because how you described her I can COMPELTLY relate to. You may not like to hear this but honestly, most of what you know about her was created by the abuse. She may be a completly different person inside...but Im sure you wills till love that, if not more... If you get married and she doesn't deal with this issue, she will be too attached, too co-dependent and emotionally unstable to handle a mature relationship. Now I know I don't know her, justkeep in mind this is typical of rape victims, and they usally don't know these things themselves. They willdeny it becasue they want to be ok. But as a post-therapy victim, I can tell you these things are very likely. Thats why it is SO important for her to get some help so she can heal and be an emotionally-stable (even if she seems even-tempered to you...) and independent women. But please remember, it is difficult for her to. None of us are perfect and sometimes the church standards we grow up to become so engrained, we lose sight of what is really important. Try to remember how she does feel guilty. Its not like she had a desire to be dirty and went off to do it. Trust me...abuse does this to you. There are times that I had to stop mmyself from doing crazythings, things I normally would never EVER do...it just effects you that way. This probably parallels the one night stand. So pray. Help her and support her. I am betting this will be a wondeerful and fulfilling experience for both of you. Your relationship, if you handle this all correctly and with the aid of the spirit, will probably strengthen and deepen more then you can imagine. Put your trust in God and His will and have him guide. I KNOW you will be richer for it no matter the experience but for sure sometimes what looks like ugly situations are beautiful gardens waiting to blossom. If she doesn't want counseling, tell her she can talk to me...im a stranger but a stranger who understands. I'd love to talk to her if she wanted. ([email protected]) Best of Luck and stay strong

You didn't seem like you got a lot of responses, and I like alot so I thought I would reply :) I also wanted to have my bf read it, and I asked him to and asked him if he identified with you. Immediatly after reading he said "yup." There are a lot of people that feel this way. You got some good advice here but let me remind you of something... I think there is so much organization and extracurricular things, as far as ingrained traditions etc in the "church culture" that we sometimes lose sight of things. My bf is a convert, so he got to have that fresh look and I have been more inactive then ever in my life- I was always a Molly Mormon- But I feel like now I have a more real perspective on myself, the world and the church. Its a blessing... What I want to say is this: Do not forget why we go to church. Yes, it is important to fellowship. Yes its important to interact and give service. But all of those things we do ONLY to HIGHTEN and help stablilize our testimonies and relationship with Heavenly Father. The atonement is the central part of our believes...Jesus Christ. Make him the center, and all else will fall into place. Also, don't forget that we grow by changing. Sometimes it is not easy. It has been hard for me and my bfs relationship because i was born and raised and he has NEVER had spiritual things come easy to him or even emotional things. But I have really had to take a step back, CHANGE myself, not expect him to change and be understanding. Never forget prayers are answered through other people most often. Gigi gave you some sound advice. Tell someone...they will keep it to themselves. THe bishop is there as a mouthpiece for a Loving Heavenly Father. He will recieve inspiration for what you need. I moved from city to city and they are VERY different. I find I don't really have a desire to interact with the people in my ward. its something that can reall hurt someones testimony if they seeit wrong or satan gets involved. Do what you need to for yourself, for your relationship with Heavenly Father and how you feel about others and what you do with them will balance out- The Lord will help you. But I do too hope you come back because you most definitly have the power within you to bless someone elses life there. Think about it... It is never the same with one less person. There is always something you can do that no one else can. Best of Luck. And if you ever need anyone to talk to...well, you know Oh and thanks for posting :)

So I woke up today feeling very good about everything. Feeling like I would have a good life and not to worry. Then I called my mother. She said her and my dad were just talkinga bout me. She then started asking questions about my bf, his progression etc...I have told them many times about what is going on with both of us spiritually (he had a bad experience, we dont like our ward etc) and they dont seem to get it.... Needless to say it really brought me down. I am so so so worried about what they think I feel like I'd rather go through hell to try and do what THEY want me to do jsut so I dont dissapoint them. *sigh* Im just ready for something to happen

I definitly feel like I have grown and learned. All that we have been through and are still going through I strongly feel is for a reason.... I feel like we are still, in a way in the Lord's hands but...different then other people may expect. I am certianly learning alot more about truth and myself. Im just scared...always been afraid of failure and this is one of those things I don't want to fail at. Yet, I feel like I am running out of time to live my life, you know?

I like that, thank you Jolee :)

Wow. I really appreciate all yyou all had to say. It makes sense. I have obviously been raised in the church and I think sometimes when you have you have heard things so regularily that you see things in a different way, sort of. Not as "fresh." Anyway, I definitly would not marry him for the sex. I am just not that kind of person. I never thought I would be doing this anyway. I've been wanting to marry him for so long. The wait has been unbelievable. I guess what happened sort of goes along with the reason they tell you not to be engaged for son long... I have learned alot and grown so I am thankful but it is starting to sound the right way for me perhaps. I agree with Ben. I would still have to repent, but with my past its very difficult for me to stop certain things. I definitly know I would need to after we were married but it seems that if I had him as my husband it would be better and a stronger support for me and us to move forward. Thanks guys. Now for another question...do I tell my parents, if it comes to it that I decide a civil marriage, that I have commited this sin?! Do they need to know?! (We are pretty close.)

There is something that has been on my mind that I am not open with sharing with ANYONE I know so I figure it best if I ask a bunch of random people I can have non-biased comments. I was raised in the church. Always very active, very very spiritual, HUGE testimony, always pious... About 9 years ago I got involved with someone who ended up abusing me sexually and emotionally and physically for almost 4 years straight. Luckily, I FINALLY worked it out with professional help last year that trully changed my life. I have become a different person. I was mangled, and unstable and so many bad things before and I really feel healed now. The only thing is is I have always had, well, you know a high libido. I always believed it was because of this abuse that started so early in my life... Anyway, I have been dating this guy who is assuredly going to be my husband. I can't imagine life without him he's amazing. We've been together for 5 years, 6 this june. I was never the kind of girl to desire sexual things...I believe if I was never abused there are things I would never do. My chastity was ALWAYS my prized posession. I prided myself in it. It was always a highest priority. Long story short, I lost it... I always imagined myself having a HUGE breakdown if it ever happened. I never ever planned on it happening before I was married - I was soooooo determined. Yet, I didn't experience this HUGE doom and gloom that I always expected would happen, like the end of the world inside. Infact, I have changed alot since I have moved out of the house about a year ago to live in the same city as my bf. Some for the better, some for not. I feel like sometimes life jsut happens that way. Years back I was in the most amazing physical condition of my life, but mentally weak. Now I am very much more mentally stable and mature yet spiritually weak...NEVER have I EVER imagined I would ever be saying that! So you can see how difficult this can be for me. The people here are different. I don't have anything in common with anyone in my ward and don't really feel like I belong. I am giving you ALOT of info because I want you to understand my situation before advice is given. Basically I don't know what to do. I've lost count of how many times we have done it...We've been trying to get married for years. It's like a never ending thing. Something ALWAYS gets in the way - if you understood my bfs life you would understand. Everything (and this is no exageration) that he has ever succedded in or worked for has been taken away from him. His own father (doesnt live with) tried to kill him years back. he has had bad experiences with church, put forth the effort and never really got what was promised....I totally would go to my bishop and repent so we could go to the temple....my problem is I am afraid I can't stop... Again, I want to blame waht happened to me - not to have an easy way out but because it has caused me SO SO SO many problems in my life. I cant leave this man. I just cant. He is everything to me and part of me. I feel like a temple marriage is (sadly) so high above us - and with everything going on , the economy our financial difficulties, the ever impeding feeling of the end of the world (we watch alot of the History/ Discovery Channels ) I just want to MOVE forward. I feel perhaps a civil marriage would be A step forward, even if it really really dissapointed my parents. But I am SO afraid of doing that. I want to go forward, but at this point am not sure how. Because of how I feel about church now - Still have a testimony just...sorta...out of place especially when it comes to my bf - how he feels like he is void of Heavenly Father's love and help...its all just so hard. I think thats enough of a novel for now? I wanna move forward. What should I do?!

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I have come across this problem myself, howeverm unlike you I am having a hard time forsaking the sin and wanting to repent. It's defintly not somewhere I thought I would ever be cause I was NEVER like this so take it from me, here's my advice. REPENT. Do it now. Don't delay. There is a beauty in the atonement. I have gone to my bishop before and it was very scarey but let me tell you, coming out of his office was this peace and joy you could not imagine. Do not think on how others will view you, just remember that when you repent Heavenly Father forgets it COMPELTLY. I am sure He is proud of you. your parents aren't perfect, if they "judge" you wrong, just remember your Heavenly Father. We all make mistakes, even with a "serious" one as chastity, but look at the state of the world. It is hard to live in it and not get some of the taint on us. The most important thing is HOW YOU HANDLE IT - not that you have never ever commited a cerious sin. I don't think He put us here for that. You're on the right track. Keep going.