nbblood

LOL, guess we see how smart I am don't we!....lol:D

You scared me off when you said "Entertain MOE". To me that means Entertain Measures of Effectiveness. I deal with that topic more than I need to on a daily basis, so I avoided the thread. Now I realize you meant "moi", as in French for "me". So, now I can entertain you. Oh, but you said the car is fixed now. Nevermind. Hope you had a great conversation with your wife! I also hope the car doesn't break down on you again! So, in lieu of entertainment, I'm passing along best wishes!

These are exactly the kind of questions a military forum could address. These are good questions. Here are the answers. Pretty much everywhere you go in the military there is a Ward, Branch or GROUP. A group is important when there is not a ward or a branch in the immediate area, particulary in deployed areas, such as Iraq and Afghanistan. Group Leaders are called and set apart in the Stake/Mission area to which a particular military unit belongs. They are called by the Stake President or Mission President. They are given training and a certificate of appointment from the Stake/Mission President and a memo outlining their responsibilities and authorizes them to preside over the group. These Group Leaders are then authorized to conduct Sacrament Meetings and other events. They do not, however, hold the keys of the Bishopric/Branch Presidency and there are many things they cannot do. But it is typical to hold Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, a Family Home Evening, or Priesthood activities, depending on the military mission and active participation of the group. There are many tools available to help Group Leaders in their callings. These include Sacrament supplies, military style scriptures (small, pocket sized), CDs or MP3s of hymn music, DVDs (including General Conference), etc. There are many materials in a Group Leader's kit that can be obtained by a designated Group Leader. Here is a link to that kit: Service Member Group Leader's Kit However, some things a Group Leader cannot do include: conduct baptismal interviews, interview for worthiness for ordination, collect tithes and offerings, etc. Those require keys of called leaders such as a Bishop. The important thing here is that Group Leaders are authorized to conduct Sacrament Meeting. Pretty much anywhere a military member ends up they have reasonable access to an LDS Group and these meetings. Here's a link from LDS.org that has more information on Group Leaders. Guidelines for Calling Service Member Group Leaders Unfortunately, the only people that really understand how this works are those that have been in the military for a while and seen first-hand how it works or have an LDS chaplain or Group Leader to explain it to them. But that's how it works.

Well there aren't very many for sure. Yes, LDS members can use their assigned chaplain for spiritual guidance. But very, very few non-LDS chaplains can speak knowledgeably on the LDS faith. Very few non-LDS chaplains even have an idea where the LDS meetings are held or when. I know from experience. That said, for general advice they're terrific, virtually accross the board. However, I am testament that an LDS chaplain can make a difference to an LDS soldier. I can say definitively that I would not be an active member today if not for influence, companionship, and advice of two of the chaplains I've listed, one in particular. They found their way into my life at the right time and the right place to make a tremendous difference. You never know when that may happen for someone else too. A non-LDS chaplain simply could not have provided what they provided to me. So, I'm not discarding the value of non-LDS chaplains. Merely trying to build a knowledge resource on who/where LDS chaplains are.

I've seen a few discussions on here about or having to do with the military. It got me thinking that perhaps a military forum would be a good idea. Moderators?? Anyway, I also thought that it would be cool if there was a resource that would identify LDS military chaplains. Perhaps somebody might find that useful someday, somewhere. Of course the challenge is to keep that information updated through changes of assignment, deployments, retirements, etc. Anyway, I only know of three LDS chaplains in the Army. I know there are more out there, but I don't know them/know of them. I also don't know of LDS chaplains in other services, i.e., Air Force, Navy, Marine Corps, Reserves, National Guard, etc. So, I''m listing what I know and I'm hoping others can help contribute to the information. We can copy and paste the list into the next post and keep it current (or at least as current as possible). So, here's what I know: Ok, I'm removing personal info that I previously posted so that I'm not posting info the individuals may not want posted. I still know of a list of chaplains and I would direct someone to the proper place if you ask. But I'm not going to post that info. Please help me out to get a more complete list. And, oh, by the way, if you happen to run into one of these brothers, please tell them thanks for their service, to God and country!

Yes, quite an effort indeed! But if I was going after thanks, I would need to be useful in some manner. Just think of the effort that would be required for me to actually be useful!!

I have finally accomplished my goal. This is my 354th post and I have been laughed at 363 times, more laughs than posts. I must be the funniest guy on here, but hey, looks aren't everything you know. Actually I made it a goal to get more laughs than posts. Call it vain or obsessive compulsive or whatever. It was fun trying. Of course it's not that hard when mostly what I do is copy and paste somebody else's jokes and put them in the "in need of humor" thread, but hey, it takes a calculating mind to get your posts at the top of each page so they get the maximum number of views and potential laughs before they get cycled behind another page. And no, I didn't laugh at my own posts. That would clearly be too easy to accumulate the sought after laughs. Ok, I have now repented of my vanity. I can now continue discussion in other threads, which I have previously refrained from in order to not skew my posts/laughs ratio. My petty goal has been achieved. Now I challenge all you with 10,000+ posts to try to do it! Ok, that is all. Now I have to find another quest. Perhaps I should strive for more thanks, as those posts have some usefulness other than humor. Ugh. I don't know if I can be that useful. Oh well, I'll try. I'm re-engaging in meaningful discussion now.

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that aeroplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance." "That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife. The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax---OH MY...!" Then silence. Soon, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of very hot coffee and she spilled it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray... 'Take only ONE. God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick. "Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick. "Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true." "What does that mean?" asks the guy. "Two miles down the road, you were gonna say, "I wish that bozo officer would've tried to do that to me! I would've....."

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories. In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.." "Very good," said the teacher. Next, Mary said, "We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched.." "Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far. Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete." "Go on," said the teacher, intrigued. "Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?" "Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

Creation vs Evolution has been settled! A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies." He responded. "Oh! Are you killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked ..... "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

How many online forum members does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames. 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp". 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct. 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy". 109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's. 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group. 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too". 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three". 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 44 to ask what is a "FAQ". 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs". 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

I received this from a CEO that I worked with a few years back. He doesn't want to admit it but I think this is his true experience. I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?' He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.’ So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like the little rugrat

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting,I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down. Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C: Return." Someone else chimed in,"Yes, Return" Unfortunately, the software worked.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?