[Forgetting the Past]

After attending the temple together over the weekend and the temple dedication, I feel like things are progressing. We had a good chat last night. We were able to talk about things without going into detail. No play by plays.

Many of your posts have helped me out, so thank you. It is comforting to carefully consider that after all of her dating, I am the one that she chose. I am the one that she went through the temple with.

It gets overwhelming to think about all the paths in life and how they might criss-cross and overlap each other. I often wonder how each of her and my decisions led us to find one another. Any one of those decisions could have turned each of us another direction, to another place, another job, another something. Perhaps the road she chose is the only road that could have led her to me. In a way, a strange way, maybe I should be thankful that the road, though bumpy, brought her to me.

Im sure I will continue to be haunted by thoughts. They arent all gone yet, and probably wont ever be. I have to wonder if I am being tested for something later in life and this particular experience is only helping me to be more understanding and compassionate towards someone. I really just need to recognize that I am in the refiners fire for a reason. Just be patient.

[Forgetting the Past]

Thank you for your kind responses. I fully recognize that Satan is picking on me. I recently accepted a calling that I feel is important to me and the ward. The timing of accepting the calling and when I started obsessing about this is too coincidental to ignore.

I feel I need to forgive her because she asked me to forgive her. I understand that I wasnt present when this stuff happened and it should have no bearing on me or my future with her or my family. I must disagree with the poster that stated I didnt accept her as she is. I accept her as a perfect wife and companion. Her slate has been wiped clean and I understand that. If anyone is leading the way to our exaltation, it is her right now. I knew from the start of our relationship that she was special, and all I wanted was to be with her.

All Im trying to say is that the images and thoughts in my head are simply unpleasant and painful. I dont think its unreasonable for me to experience pain thinking of her being with someone else.

As to why Im obsessing about this now, I dont know except for perhaps the timing of the calling I received. Why does it matter to me? Why does it bother me so much? I have no idea. I think about that all the time. It makes me feel foolish that I cant figure it out. I can only say that Im a man, and Im jealous and possessive.

I do try as hard as I can to not burden her with all of this. I know I shouldnt ask her questions and make her re-live those days. But I dont have anyone else to talk to about this but her. No one else needs to know. I waited a long time to go talk to the bishop about it, because I felt like he didnt need to know either. Its difficult to feel like you are facing a problem alone. Especially when you are asking for help ALL the time from the Lord.

[Forgetting the Past]

Hi Folks,

What can I say. . . Im looking for advice.

I have been married almost 10 years to a wonderful wife. She is beautiful, a great mother, perfect companion, she is really everything a man could ask for in a wife. I could literally go on and on about how much I love and appreciate her. Our marriage has for the most part been without difficulty. We were the best of friends before anything else.

The trails that led us together were different. We did not know each other in high school. I met her after I served my mission. As I mentioned before, we were the best of friends before we became romantic. As best friends, there was little we did not discuss. During these times, she shared with me a rocky past. A past that involved immorality with multiple men. I need not go into details with numbers or times. She drank on occasion that led to poor decisions. This period of time lasted less than a year before she realized she was living without the spirit. She abandoned her friends and her college and moved away. She confessed to her bishop and repented of her ways. I met her maybe 6 months after this. I was fortunate enough to stay morally clean until we were married.

I want to make it clear that I do not doubt her repentance. She is clean in my eyes. She has worked in Young Women's, taught in Relief Society and Sunday School. I am confident that she does not dwell on the past and rarely considers it.

Throughout or marriage I have suffered at the thought of her actions. Here and there something I hear or see will trigger a thought or image of what she was involved with. It takes a lot of work to put those aside. For most of our marriage I have been successful. Though for some reason, about 6 weeks ago, I have been consumed with these images of her actions. These images replay themselves over and over in my head. I feel like they have choked every good thought out. When I go to bed at night, I fall asleep to them. Within seconds of the alarm going on in the morning, they are back. I can find no refuge from them. I try extremely hard to not discuss these things with my wife. I feel she has repented and should no longer be burdened with it. However, when I need someone to talk to, she has been willing and gracious to answer my questions. But, I have found that when she answers my questions, it doesnt help. It only puts further thoughts and images there. These thoughts are driving me to severe depression. My wife can see it and I believe my children are catching on to it.

A couple of weeks ago, I chose to speak with my bishop about it. He was helpful and gave me a blessing. I listened carefully to that blessing and have followed his counsel. My wife and I study the scriptures each night together. I swear I pray 30 times a day. I no longer listen to the radio on the way to work, but rather listen to church cd's. I have read all I can on forgiveness. I have studied D&C 120-123 and have pondered how Joseph Smith suffered in jail. I have considered how he felt abandoned by the Lord. My wife and I are going to the temple tonight and will try to go weekly. I read the scriptures in the morning. I feel as though Im doing everything I can. But nothing is helping. These thoughts are all consuming. I would literally say I think about them 90% a day. Its becoming difficult to be intimate with her because I can only envision her doing these things with someone else.

Like I said before, I genuinely feel I hold no grudge against her. She has done EVERYTHING right since we have met and married. I feel like I have forgiven her, but question if I have. If I have, why would these thoughts still haunt me? I do not question her loyalty to me. I truly feel she is as loyal as a woman could be.

I can only conclude one of a few things. 1) I am being tested by the Lord. If this is the case, I am doing everything the Lord is asking. How long must I be patient? Is this really for the benefit of my marriage? Where is the wisdom in this trial? 2) I have not really forgiven her. If this is the case, how can I do this? If I do, will these images go away? 3) Perhaps I am mentally ill and need counseling and medication. I have always trusted that the Lord can fix everything through fasting, prayer, scripture study and temple attendance. Im doing this, but to no avail.

Right now our marriage is ok. She is patient with me. But Im recognizing that her patience may have limits, and I cannot function like this for much longer. I need peace, but dont know where else to look.