First off, before I create a massive controversial rift in the forum, let me give you some relevant background info on myself since I just joined. By the way, my name is Sean. =D I'm 19 years old, working on getting my papers filled out to go on my mission. I currently live in Washington, but I'm from upstate New York (long move, I know). While I was in New York, I used to live in a small town, in quite a small school. I only had 100 or so people in my graduating class there. Given that circumstance, it was incredibly unfortunate that I was on the bottom of the popularity food chain. I only had one good friend while I was there, and naturally I was categorically rejected by all the girls, even though I wasn't able to date. They voted against me with their lack of interest, lol. To make matters worse for me, most of the kids who I went to church with were troublemakers at the time (some still are, one is actually incarcerated). This includes most of the female portion of the youth as well. The ones who were worthy I wasn't interested in that much. Remember, this was just me thinking about who I'd like to date, not actually dating. When I was about 12 or 13 and started to hit puberty, all of this had an extremely adverse effect on me. From the start, I have always been very mature about love and dating and relationships. I knew my own capacity, but also that I couldn't date at the time. I also knew that for me, I wouldn't need to date to get to know many different people adequately because I made plans to make good, longtime friends. This includes possible prospects. I have also always wanted and treasured the chance to have a romantic relationship founded in worthiness as opposed to casual dating. The purpose of that was solved for me through friendship. I became lonely and depressed, I was thoroughly convinced that given my situation I wouldn't be able to find anyone to date when I was of age, or have any friends for that matter. It got to the point where I became so lonely one day that I couldn't take it anymore, I decided I was going to turn to God and use whatever resources I had available to meet new people to what extent was prudent. Given that I couldn't drive and, again, we lived out in the middle of nowhere, I saw that my only outlet would be to make good and righteous use of the internet. I found a website called LDSchat.com (have any of you been there?) and I immediately made a new friend. Her name is Kelly, you'll see her name pop up in here many more times. She's a year older than me, fyi. We hit it off instantly, it was both our first time going to LDSchat although we both thought the other had been going there a long time. We traded AIMs and got to know each other quite well for about a year. I lost contact with Kelly, unfortunately, because my AIM broke and at that time I had no knowledge that our firewall was blocking it. I continued to make new friends on a videogame website (anybody here play Kingdom Hearts? it was a fan site for that). Here comes my first silly mistake. I had a fling with a girl who I considered my "girlfriend" on that website. We flirted and did all that fun stuff (nothing inappropriate) but I found I wasn't emotionally mature enough to date yet. Go figure, I was 14! Silly me. It wasn't that long before I found out she was more immature than I was. She had a problem with me and decided to not talk about it, only to freak out about it like I was SUPPOSED to know, of course I was completely blindsided. That was that, and I have regrets about it to this day, I still want to make amends. Fast forward to 2007. My mom met my stepfather on a site called LDSMingle I believe. One thing led to another and pretty soon we were moving way over here to Washington. At that time I turned 16 so I could finally go on dates. I was planning on getting to know people here more in person so that I could date them, but I developed feelings for another girl online who I dated for six months. I'll spare you the details this time, it ended badly. HOWEVER! I had fixed my AIM, and Kelly and I got back into contact. She helped me through my difficulties with this other girl, and because I knew the relationship had been over long before I had given up, I started to develop feelings for Kelly again (remember when I said we "hit it off"? ). So it wasn't long until we decided to start a relationship, even though I had planned to date others physically around me. We're still together; it'll be three years in august. We've had our ups and downs like every couple does, and it's been a rather interesting balance of honesty, patience, and loyalty when dating long distance, but it can and will work with the right attitude and the right effort. Not only that, we've sought Heavenly Father to give us knowledge that we can trust one another, which we have received. We have had temptations, but we are worthy despite that, and we're wholly committed to both each other and Heavenly Father. With everything that we've experienced, I honestly feel like Heavenly Father wants this to succeed for us. We plan on meeting up after my mission and eventually getting married. :eek:!!! AND WE DECIDED THIS WHEN I WAS 17!!!! Now that my book is done, (did you enjoy?) I'll get to the reason why I'm posting this. It'll be volume 2. =P I find it rather disheartening and sometimes honestly quite judgmental the attitudes that are held by many of the members when it comes to teenagers dating steadily. I know that given my attitude change early on in life that I'm not like many of the teenagers around me and that I've gained a more responsible outlook on things. I've always felt that dating is something that should be taken seriously, and that friendships are the phase where you should get to know other people to see their mannerisms and whether or not you are attracted to them. I've also always felt that a relationship should be treated with the same amount of respect as would take place in a marriage, just without the additional privileges given in a marriage (sex? lol). I have also found a lot of the reasoning against steady dating can be solved by a matter of making good choices. Let me list some of my opinions of these. Commonly used LDS reasoning against steady dating after 16 and prior to mission: 1. You're crazy Sean! Don't you know that casual dating helps you get to know people better and helps you find traits to look for when you want to look for a spouse? Yes, I do. But as I said earlier, friendships accomplish that for me. Also, I would argue that simply making friends does more to meet that end than casual dating ever could. You can get to know a person much better by being friends with them for a few months to a year a lot better than taking new people out on dates and having exclusively periodic hour-long chats. 2. That may be true, but certainly dating steadily cannot bring you such information about what someone is like! Not to mention you will be faced with agonizing heartache if they're not what you thought! I have worked out a plan for this situation. With Kelly, and after my silly mistakes, I have realized that it's best to make friends with someone for at least a few months, and get a scope of what they're really like before delving into a relationship. I knew Kelly for 2 years before we decided to date. As a friend, they come to you for advice and you will see their flaws and weaknesses, and likewise with your own. This is what prepared me to be able to handle a serious relationship. AT 16!!!! :eek: 3. But you'd still be heartbroken. Teens don't need that while they're in high school or while preparing for missions, they have other responsibilities! This is very subjective. If you know you don't have time for a relationship or can't deal with a break-up well and it will affect your responsibilities, then don't start a relationship. Not everyone fits this mold, either. Personally, I'd be more miserable and less functional without companionship than I would be going between temporary joy and temporary sorrow until I find eternal joy with someone. Also, I find it kind of strange that people think that somehow this magically changes when you're back from your mission and in college, like somehow college has fewer responsibilities than high school simply because you can have a relationship. That's a funny joke, haha. Where's that laugh button I've seen everyone complain about there not being? 4. Even so, wouldn't you rather spare yourself the heartache and wait till those you date are prepared for relationships too? That's why we have these guidelines! Like I said before, I'd rather date someone and be happy for a little while and break up and be unhappy for a little while until I find someone who I'm always happy with, as opposed to being stoic for my teenage years. That's what made me so sad to begin with. Not to mention I've always looked for mature people to fall in love with. If they weren't mature, we'd break up, and I'd learn from the mistake. Life goes on. 5. What about the temptation of lust? Doesn't that magnify itself while steady dating? This is why teens should stay away from it. This comes down to choices. If you're immature and amassed with hormones (ages 13-15), then yes, this is a very bad idea. However, for me anyway, about 90% of the hormone issues were gone by the time I turned 16. This is probably why teens should not date AT ALL until they are 16. Now, there is also the argument that Satan will twist your love into sexual desire as your relationship becomes closer. Yes, this is a temptation, but we must again become aware of our agency and hold fast in righteousness. This may be hard for a lot of teens but it's certainly not an impossible endeavor. Additionally, I have found that lust has been presenting itself much, MUCH more in non-committed people. I have an LDS friend who does ncmo's (non-committed make outs) with female friends of his. I'd say that's more destructive than being in love. It also comes down to personal susceptibility again. If you feel you are too weak to withstand the temptations a relationship can create, then don't start one. 6. But wait! You said you're going on a mission. Won't thinking of your girlfriend impede you from doing the Lord's work? Not with the right attitude. This comes down to a matter of personal choice and responsibility. When you go on your mission, you have to set aside your affections and sacrifice your life wholly to serving the Lord. I have heard many stories from many missionaries about guys who set up shrines to their girlfriends, one even made a pillowcase with a photo print of her on it (LOL!). That sort of thing is what is dangerous and wrong. I have prepared myself emotionally for when I leave. I understand that I'll only be able to contact her through writing, and that's fine by both of us. Frankly, that's not very different from how we're doing things now since we're a long distance couple. Additionally, we won't have that physical tension of being apart because, again, it's long distance and we're already apart. (She lives in North Carolina by the way). I plan on keeping my love for her deep in my heart while I serve the Lord, not letting it pour out and impede the work. 7. You're forgetting, Sean. What if she can't maintain her emotions on her end of the equation? What if she decides she wants to date other people? That is also very subjective and is a matter of personal choice. Kelly has told me that she wants to remain loyal to me while I'm gone. She's not interested in anyone else. There have been times where we've nearly broke up where she has said that she didn't want to date anyone else at the time, it was because she didn't feel ready for a relationship. That has since changed (obviously), but it goes to show how much she has loved and still loves me. 8. Aha! I've got you now! How do you both know she won't find someone more compatible with herself? This is entirely possible, but... Personally, I believe that any man and any woman can come together despite their differences and fall in love with each other because love conquers all when you work at it. Also, even though the new person may harmonize better, I find that more growth can be achieved by accepting and loving someone else who doesn't have all the same interests. It shows profound tolerance and strength in spirit to love someone romantically for being what you are not. Frankly, I think breaking up with someone because of perceived "incompatibility" is the easy way out, and a lot of times is no better than a petty divorce. A little forgiveness and understanding can go a long way to preserve love. That said, OF COURSE it's important to have shared interests. But think of love as a Venn diagram. We both have things we like to do that the other may not, but we also have quite a few overlapping interests and opinions. I think it's unwise to look for your personality clone in a spouse because the more different you are, the more acceptance you develop and the more diverse you can grow while still having those similar interests to bind you together. 9. Ok, but back to the mission. What'll you do if she Dear Johns you? Surely that will make you too emotional to serve! This was part of my emotional preparation. If that were to happen, yes, of course I'd be distraught. But given that I'm being righteous I would turn to Heavenly Father to help me keep my emotions in check so that I can serve, after I've done all that I can do. Nothing can stand in my way by the grace of God. I would also pray constantly for things to work out for me when I get back, since everything happens for a reason, even break ups. If I missed any, post them below. =D
