koawinter

I agree. Everything you said. I am wholly responsible for the lack of progress spiritually for both of us because of my issues. I have to weed out the final bit of toxicity within myself. I've tried for 2 decades now. I know it can't go on anymore. I want to. There can't be anymore more buts. It's just really difficult. Once again, thank you for your candor.

@pkstpaul I appreciate your candor. I'm not so naive enough to think that just talking to a bishop fixes an issue. This is why your candor is appreciated. I never intended to have it look as if I was blaming her spirituality for what's happened. I'm fully aware that had I never done that, the only thing that we'd be going through is her lack of interest in children. I've experienced enough so far in order to know that that isn't even close to the amount of effort it takes. I've been there, I've felt that pain. But like any mistake, it can come back. I've asked more times than I can count why this was my curse. I hate it more than anything I can imagine. It disgusts me. This time it wasn't anything large, there wasn't anything that I did that would cause her to leave. I wasn't rampantly looking at pornography or seeking other women. I had a few mistakes with pornography since that time and I've had a few thoughts (but never acted on them). I know that it needs to be completely gone in my life and hopefully this period will exterminate it for good (regardless of whether she comes back). I work full time, go to church, the bishop knows enough that he hasn't prohibited any temple attendance, and had been praying (myself making those prayers) with my wife off and on for 3 years (and more recently doing so every day for a while). Once again, this isn't a justification, I'd come back from a very low point in my life and have been getting better every day since my confession.

I agree. I can do nothing but help me now. Which is what I AM doing. I'm not planning it. I'm doing it. That is my only hope here. But I also want her to have this time to help herself. I can want both can't I?

Like I said earlier. I haven't looked at listings... in years. I'm not trying to look for her faults. I know that she is a fantastic person and I know her qualities. I'm not trying to justify anything here. I know that I messed up, but I've gone to the bishop, I've gone through the repentance process for that injury (that was 3 years ago). What we've been dealing with now is the destruction of the remaining issues, which are few and far between, for myself.

Double Post

I wrote this post to gain perspective from outside my family, friend, and spiritual circles that are close to me. The story that I relayed to you is known by both my parents and my bishp. I appreciate your response. I know that I've had my problems. But I'm not really sure how to respond to you. I never said I "need" her. What I need is to be better. What she needs is to somehow find her testimony, which is, I would say, would be non existant throughout our over 6 years together. Like I mentioned above, she didn't want any help with her spiritual problems. I want to avoid saying what those are, but essentialy they are; the females role, whether or not God loves her, and a problem with mans role towards women. She never sought a bishops help, never sought a professional, or anything else. I know my problems, I've sought help for mine and got the largest problem to the point where I can't even imagine doing it. I need to go back to resolve a problem which runs deeper than the thoughts of infidelity through physical intercourse. And that's a revert that I feel through seeing an image and immediately getting that temptation, through boredom, and what seems like a repetitive behavoir that needs professional help to resolve (which I tried for over 6 months before having to leave because of an injury). It runs for close to 2 decades with a few years off in the middle (some 4-5 I'd say). And large gaps after my initial therapy sessions. My response to all of this was to seek out my bishop, my ward, and to see if I could exterminate the remaining problem of my life. She does not know how to resolve her problems. Her lack of spirituality in our home also caused issues where I couldn't depend on her to suggest anything spiritual. And for someone like me who on occassion would have problems, that is difficult. I know that isn't a justification, and I don't want it to be. Her response to all of this was to run, to go to a family that never wanted this, and to be with friends that don't even know who she is anymore. I'm not sure she will seek counsel, talk to a bishop, or anything of that kind. At least for a while she will not do this and only later try to spiritually heal herself.

That is the hardest part. We've had so many good memories that it's really hard not to want that.

I want to talk a little about who I am and who my wife is. We both come from good LDS homes (for the most part). We went to school together, just a few years apart and I not knowing who she was. And when I came home from my mission she was on break from school, we met, dated for a few months, and married after about 5 month engagement. Before we got married, her dad told me about her high expectations, how she would put people on pedestals, and what he wanted from her. He wanted her to delay the marriage for a while longer so he could “get us a better honeymoon” (even though he was dirt poor). We ignored that and got married. I’ve dealt with pornography since I was in Middle School. I saw it in school and couldn’t look away. For years during school it consumed me. Finally in my senior year of high school and leading up to my mission, with help from family and church leaders, I was able to abolish it from my life. But when I got back and was married, I found the temptations there again, and I fell for them. Of course this caused great distress in my marriage and my wife wanted out immediately. I convinced her that I could control it and went to a bishop again for help only to have a few more lapses. I wanted to quit, but found that I would make excuses for myself. They were only for a minute at a time, maybe once every other week (though sometimes more). We would get in fights about it, but I would never justify it, I knew it was wrong, evil, harmful and degrading. It was at this time that I also would send out messages to personal ads. Twice I caught myself walking in that direction, but caught myself. I knew that by going down that road I would only harm everything beyond repair. My wife had left to go to her parents one summer for a week or so. And I was working a job with a night crew at a local store. I was alone at time with just one employee and it was then that the biggest mistake I made happened. We found ourselves alone and there was some touching and kissing. And as soon as it occurred I knew that I had gone too far. I immediately distanced myself and waited for my wife to come home to tell her and the Bishop (who I had called soon after). What followed was professional counseling, more threats of divorce, and pain. I went faithfully to try to end my curse. I no longer sent emails to personal ads, which I had only done on a few occasions before. I was good from pornography for the longest since before my mission, and my wife had given me a year. I knew that I could come back from that. And since that time I’ve been able to avoid contact with any other female save my wife. But the story doesn’t end. My wife suffered from (undiagnosed) depression, and possibly being bi-polar. Her moods swings were all over the place and she slept at least 11-12 hours a day. She couldn’t focus on school when she was having mood swings and often failed. She couldn’t forgive, and couldn’t move on. It was a burden she wanted to carry herself. For longer than the period of my issues with pornography, my wife suffered from a lack of faith, perspective, and a knowledge of her divine status. In the years that we’ve been married, she never bore a testimony, never sought prayers, never read scriptures for longer than a day or two before giving up for months or years. She doubted God's love for her and even doubted God a few times. She was raised with a life of travel and a mother who would do everything for her (cook, clean her room, etc…) and wanted that life in marriage, only to be severely disappointed of where we would be due to unforeseen circumstances. Her life was no where near where she wanted herself to be or where her father envisioned her. In the times where she was ready to leave (which were too numerous to account for, even during our good times when we just had one bad fight) her father was ready to wisp her away. Thankfully we lived in another state which meant I had time to try to calm her down, to have her see not everything was terrible, and that we could work it out if we tried to rework God in our lives. But continually adding to your pain with all the little things you don’t like about your spouse, your life, your inability to make decisions, and being constantly down on yourself, all the while not having a strong relationship with God brought everything crumbling. We had just had a fight the night before. She eats tums (the chalk) like crazy because of bread and other things. And it was causing her problems (she had an ulcer when she was younger) and potential future health issues (her mother has quite a few). Of course I was worried, and she had been on a good diet but was cheating constantly (especially with pastas/breads - Veganism). Unsurprisingly she didn’t like that. She woke up the next morning and I had already chatted her that I was sorry (I was at work). She tells me I’m not forgiven and we have a back and forth until she says “It’s OK”. Little did I know that would be the last thing I would see from her. She had already called her father, looked up divorce in the state and they were on their way, taking the 10+ hour journey to come “save” her. She called up a friend she hadn’t seen but once in 5 years (but was a friend from her high school days) who lived about 2 hours south and I didn’t find any of this out until I came home from work to find the note, her stuff, and the dog (plus the only car we had and my phone which she was using) all gone. The sad thing was, for a while I would walk home after a fight and almost expect her to be gone. And this time… she was. So I was stranded, not knowing (yet) that her parents were coming up, I started to ask for help from my family, friends, and Bishop. I was heartbroken and saddened, but not surprised, that she would go to her father first and not the leaders of the church and the friends we had built up here for years. But I knew why, as I stated earlier, he had already wanted this. And I would find out later that he would lie to me to keep me off guard. He crafted a lie about the health of his wife and that he couldn’t talk because they were in the emergency room, but they were already on their way. The next day I would find that out. He would show up with her “old” friend with boxes (after I had just talked with him on the phone a few hours earlier, in which he said I should let her go) in hand and come in through the door without knocking. Obviously I was flustered, scared, and hurt already. So I pushed them back through the door. Her friend would call me an abuser (though I’ve never physically hurt my wife and never cursed at her), but later apologize. My friend showed up just after that and we would drive down (remember she was using my phone, which I could track) to the hotel that was last spotted by my phone. It was there that my Aunt would show up and help get the car back and the phone. She has had a lot of problems with men in the past (long story, none are her fault) and knew what to do and what to say, especially in regards to the Law in the state we are in and that they were leaving the state. The next day around 10 or so at night they would drive back. Her note said the next thing I would see from her is divorce papers. I’ve always thought we could work through anything. My family told me that constantly threatening divorce isn’t healthy, which I knew but I didn’t do anything (even though I should have). I love her and I don’t want anyone to think bad about her. We all have our problems, and I’m not giving you all the wonderful things we have done over the years. She is my companion, my friend, and even though we’ve had fights and we’ve both done stupid things, I thought we would come through. We didn’t fight constantly (big ones sometimes that would lead to her threats), we had just had a fantastic week of positive things, I don’t believe she pre planned this. She just decided that morning, because that’s how quickly her demeanor can change and how stubborn and prideful she can get. She had found old e-mails for more than 4 years ago to those personal ads (that I never deleted, because I was trying to be open) and used those as her weapon along with that fight. I ask anyone who is reading this to not judge her to harshly (though you can judge me all you want). I would have never left (even though she was struggling with the thought of children and had other issues). I write this because I want to use the anonymity of the internet to write things out and hear from others. I’m going to counseling, I’ve seen the bishop multiple times, my extended family is here, and one of my parents is coming up soon as well. We are taking precautionary steps and doing our best to make sure that we fix me. My bishop holds hope, as do I, that over time (maybe months, even years) she can work through things. I’ll be fasting and praying for her and myself to see through this problem. But I have to be a realist as well. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst as it goes. Thank you for reading.

Those are great recommendations. There are some wonderful talks by skousken that I would recommend as well, but I only have them in text form. If someone knows where they are, post em here.

Are you looking for a more in depth answer here? Because if so, that could entail a response that could only be done by a book. And there are several that I could recommend, and even some great talks on the subject. Let me know what you are looking for specifically and I will get back to you.

... and decided to join up for the occasional comment. I usually don't join these types of sites, but I decided I would give this one a go. I am a student at USU studying International Business and Finance. Grew up in the central valley of California, Fresno/Clovis. Went on a mission to Brazil and am married for 1 1/2 years. I like to believe I know what I'm talking about, but that remains to be proven . I love a good debate (with edicate :)) and find myself enthralled in doctrine that isn't necessary for salvation, but makes for good talk. Even though I like to talk about that kind of stuff, my base is of simplicity within the gospel and how that is the only thing relatively necessary for salvation in general. There is more I could spell here, but I'll wait for the time to come. Glad to be here.