sharonmarie

hey dory...your post sounds almost EXACTLY what i'm going thru w/ my spouse...except I'M the more 'religious' one [based on my level of enthusiasm for church participation, study, and all ]... people [family, etc.] told me i'm wrong, or told me to read this or that - things that will TELL me what is RIGHT...i KNOW what is ideal... my feelings, however, have brought me to a place that is LESS than ideal... i've learned over the years that i must ultimately trust MYSELF...when i was taught by the missionaries they did not say to believe them or anything they teach, or anything i read...but to PRAY & get my own answers...the lord asks, 'what do u WANT?'... and says to 'study it out in YOUR OWN MIND'...of course, divorce is not GOOD...divorce is not IDEAL...divorce is the last thing i EVER wanted...[everyone in my immediate family has been divorced...except me]...i wanted to be the ONE...the EXAMPLE... the SUCCESS story like paul newman and his wife...or brother & sister hinckley...or like so many others who make the grade...as one bishop's wife told me...'either choice will be hard'...whether you choose to stick it out , or choose to go it alone...you will have tough times...my spouse and i are both in personal church counseling for what has transpired over the years to bring us to this point ... right and wrong is not always black and white...as i experience things i NEVER wanted to experience in life i discover about 14 shades of gray...i tell people [who think things are always black and white - typically younger people] 'talk to me in 20 years...' i love the church; i participate; i attend the temple; AND i feel i cannot continue in the marriage i agreed to @ age 17 [i'm 47 now - and going thru this midlife REEVALUATION, i've found that there ARE exceptions to every rule...[remember, 'thou shalt not kill'...but nephi was commanded to take the life of laban?...abraham experienced this same dilemma...and i know people will say that my dilemma has nothing to do with these stories...but as we 'liken the scriptures unto ourselves' we will sometimes have the same EXTREMELY hard 'figuring out to do'...]...i always hated when a couple in church got divorced-i felt like they were weakening the resolve of 'the rest of us' to hang in there...and now i've become one of them...i don't know what else to say...except that i WISH ALL marriages lasted forever, and everyone lived after the manner of happiness equally yoked with their best friend...the lord wishes the same thing & teaches us this ideal; but i HAVE to follow the dictates of my own conscience AND let the consequence follow: good or bad...i know that even the 'very elect' can be deceived in the 'last days' and all i can do is the best i can according to the hand i've been dealt...and continue to believe the lord will not leave me or forsake me...everyone else may, but the lord, NEVER....

...after the birth of my first child, a relative came over, and lit a CIGARETTE with me and the baby sitting there...i did not know what to do - then i got up and took the baby into the bedroom...i cried...my perfectly clean, innocent child was already being subjected to filth...i asked the lord 'how can i stand to watch my child being exposed to the filth of this world!?'...my answer came a few days later...'that is what she is here for'...to be subjected to the things of this world...to be tested - but she can leave this world as innocently as she entered...through faith in jesus christ... life is not for the weak...we ALL proved ourselves strong in the first estate...those children you will help bring into the world are eternal, powerful, proven spirits of our heavenly father - my little baby went through lots of test and trials, growing and repenting, and served a full-time mission to australia...a few months ago, she was married in the mesa temple, to a young man who served w/her there...i know she will continue to be tested, as we ALL will...but the lord will NEVER leave us or forsake us as we turn to him in our trials and temptations... i joined the church @ age 19, and had experienced a traumatic childhood, was involved in alcohol, drugs, and all that revolves around that lifestyle @ an early age...i have been honest w/my children about my weaknesses [both past and present]...i bear testimony in church and in private how the lord saved my life...and continues to save me and show me the way as i turn to him at EVERY stage of my earthly experience... thanks...sharon...