Rimmer

shine7, I am glad to hear you were able to get things going right before he passed.

That is part of our trouble. We go to church, we fulfill our callings, but scripture study, family/personal/couples prayer, FHE, those we have never been good at. We've been lazy. We let the trappings of the world get us and we haven't ever been good at the "basics." That was one thing we said we'd do when I first got home. But after each of our separate disappointments, this again went by the wayside.

Just talked to her. The people she went to see tonight told her they know. One of my wife's good friends talked to the other man's wife saying she had called Child Protective Services. It is not at all like I beat my kids. But now, through all this, I might lose my kids too?! All I can do is fix me. I know this. My wife said that no one is going to come out a winner in this. I wholeheartedly disagree. I WILL BE A WINNER BECAUSE, WITH GOD'S HELP, I AM FIXING ME!

Watching Fireproof right now, wishing she would have either given me the book she had bought or read it herself before falling in love with this man. Breaks my heart.

I am certainly going to personal counseling. We just got back from a talk with the Bishop. The "friend" had called him sometimebefore we went and said that my wife had STILL talked to him, via our kids facebook account. It is sad. I feel bad for her because now, she seemed very angry at HIM! She went to a friends with our kids while I pack for her brother's house. I actually feel a little bad for her. I did say the rude comment of, "Not so perfect after all, is he?" Sad for me too, she was more broken from that then from us. Or at least she seemed to be. I hope she is going to the place she says with all our kids. She told the Bishop that I am smothering her and creeping her out. I am, because I am afraid. Because I am selfish. Thank you to those who are trying to tell me to not be so hard on myself. I really think I am being soft. I have been a controlling man. For over 18 years. I went away to work for two months and she had the relief of stress with me gone. She was able to look at our kids and herself and see that I was being controlling, selfish, insecure, unfaithful (with pornography only, not with any other woman), mean, condescending, and so many other traits that tie into those. I still kind of believe that there was no sex, but I will never really know. I think she would forever keep it hidden because of my abuse. I have grabbed her and pushed her and the kids over the years. So much for being honest in the earlier posts. I have spanked them. When I had her phone and left, she was blocking the door and I grabbed her then and shoved her out of the way. We have told this to our Bishop. I am out of the house. I AM going to LDS Family Services tomorrow to get help on ME. I am committed to get the help I need. If for no other reason but when/if we do get divorced, I won't be one of the dads that the kids are afraid to visit. I will not be that kind of dad. I will work on myself for the rest of my life. I really think that I want her to continue being my wife. Ironically, she bought me The Love Dare sometime around when Fireproof came out. She didn't turn to this book when she had trouble, but she did hand it to me a couple days ago. And, funny this, HIS wife was telling her to stay with me weeks ago and even gave her some Dr Laura books to help! Crazy is the world we live in.

I wish I had more strength for this. I know I need help but have been saying no to her pleading for years. Yes, I do yell at the kids. I have trouble when they totally ignore me when I ask for something from them. I yell then. It is a huge problem, I know. I have a pile of problems. I think I will be paying someone for a while!

Also, to be very clear, I am very insecure with myself and selfish. Knowing that, knowing me, I know that ruins the trust. I had a pornography problem from even before we were married. One year after General Conference, I admitted it to my wife and we went to our Bishop. I have slipped up a half dozen times or so over the maybe 3 years. Twice while I was away. I know this hurt our family. I am ashamed that I had this problem. I pray everyday to stay away, and with God's help I am doing much better than the countless years I used it. Because I have been unable to trust myself, how do I trust another? Because I have guilt and low self esteem, it is hard for me to see any good in myself. I know that I need counseling and plan to find a good counselor for myself, and if she will, for us. I have read some of the posts on here recommending different counselors for each. I will take that advice I think. She is at church now. I hope. I really don't know. I am not yet comfortable going and seeing him there. I hope she is there and not pining over him more. I know I need the help and am willing to get it. Why did it take ten or more years for me to accept that? So many years of bad communication built this up. Can it be unraveled? Does she even want to really?

It is very hard to trust. I still think they talk. Like the other night she went to the neighbor's house for a long time. I know she used their phone when I found hers and didn't give it back right away. When she was there she left her phone here too. I am not trusting now. I think I should have looked at her phone then. I did last night and saw even more. Dating back to the day I got home. It wasn't much then I think, but it advanced very fast into them saying "I love you" to each other. Within two weeks or so of me getting home. She denies it, of course. Also in the messages were things like "I liked our power hour." I don't know. She still says they didn't have sex and didn't even see each other that often.

he has a lot too

5 kids

I see a few people reading this... anyone have any comments?

I knew something was wrong. You get that feeling, right? I happened to see my wife's phone on the table. I picked it up and looked at the texts and facebook. Wow. Some very strong talk with another man that we mutually know. They've kissed. I do believe her that they didn't do more. It was hard at first, of course. Also texts and fb to a friend about leaving me. She was still talking to him on the phone after I found out. Maybe texting too, but she erased all of that. I was freaking out, hurt and angry. We talked to our Bishop. He didn't really scold her or anything, which was ok. She seemed to think she got off too easy though. I don't know. We have been talking. She is fairly cold to me. She has had time to prepare for this, while I am still in shock. I have been very sad and when she's around I just want to be near her for fear that it will be the last time. I think now I am being too needy and smothering her. She has said she's not used to it and sometimes seems mad about it. Like if I offer to do something I would not have offered before. But I have seen her points about how I've treated her up until now. It isn't real good. Some of the things I think are misunderstandings that have gone on forever. Others I admit to being the cause. I don't think that she has admitted that she is the cause of some things that I would "blame" her for. Of course, that is one of the problems. I don't see the same things she does about me blaming everything on her. She says it is all me. We have committed to praying about it and finding the answer about our situation from our Heavenly Father. We pray together at night, but she is reluctant to pray with me. The Bishop also suggested that I give her a blessing of comfort. She has refused this, too. Tonight she did pray with me. She prayed about things that really only had me at fault. That hurt. Over the years I have been verbally abusive. Sometimes I don't realize that she takes some things bad. I don't mean them maliciously. But I think she takes them that way. I am at fault for being mean sometimes. But not always. And not most of the time in my opinion. Having written that, I see how I could be deluding myself. Not wanting to admit another one of my downfalls. Today, we were in the community and saw him with his family some ways away. She denies it, But I could have gotten a clear photo of her even with an OLD camera that takes forever to use. A long time staring. I was away for work for a while, weeks. She, with the support of a friend decided that I am no good for her. I came back expecting her and the kids to be excited to see me. That day, we went over to this other man's home. This was before the kiss, but after a little flirtation. I even went with this man to give a blessing! All the while, they are flirting more and getting closer to each other. I wasn't even back 12 hours and she was already gone. I do have faults. I need help with my jealousy and insecurity. I am willing to get it. Why wasn't I before? I don't know. Scared, selfish. I think I see some of my faults. I need help to get over them and to see the others. She agrees. I don't know how to trust anymore. I think I never really did. I am selfish and insecure. I think those do not build a trusting person. I know she isn't giving me the whole story. It started out as being a "one or two week" thing she said. Reading the texts and facebook messages, I know it was more like seven weeks. The whole time that I have been home. She had upped it to like four after the first time I saw some things. Now I know the truth. She says we should just forget all the troubles that either of us had and start fresh with a new change of attitude. Ok. But how do we not repeat the same mistakes if we don't know them? How do I trust her? She definitely still has some feelings for this man. I am lost. I tried to do the first Love Dare today and held on for a long time until the repeated staring after this man today. I couldn't keep it in and said some negative things. I was doing so well until then. Help me?