needsomehelp

I am very grateful that there are many people out there willing to take time to give me words of encouragement and counsel. I also appreciate those who were either victims of these sins or doers of these sins giving me personal experience and advice. I know that the only thing that is keeping me from confessing to the bishop is fear and guilt and that if I can eliminate those two elements from my mind then confession will come easy. This is definitely easier said than done. I do care very deeply for my wife and I never wanted to hurt her nor do I wish to do any further damage to her or myself. I know that the first step will be to confess to the bishop. I am actually anticipating a great amount of relief from confessing to the bishop. If it meant confessing to him and receiving forgiveness, I would have done it right after stopping the sin. It is the potential years of repairing the broken confidence and love with my wife that I fear. I have spoken to others who have had similar experiences as me and some of them have wifes who didn't leave them but do not even want to be touched by them for years after confession. Some of these wives are so effected by what was done to break the covenants that they need to seek therapy for years and their marriages are never the same again. I have heard both promising stories and horrible stories. Some days I say to myself that I will do it now and others I feel like to do so would be like death. Of course if I do nothing then I will suffer a spiritual death. At least the good news is that my former sins feel so vile and repulsive that I am hoping that it will help me to forsake for good. I would like to think that my wife would eventually forgive and be able to help me rebuild the trust and promises that we had, but the mystery of what lies ahead and remorse for having done such terrible things to myself in the past and now to my wife, have made me hesitate in seeking the healing that I know the Savior can give me through repentance. That is why I have been desperately seeking to see if there is any way possible that I can repair what I have damaged without confessing to her. But it is becoming painfully clear that this is not an option. Everyone here has assured me of that fact. I guess I cannot chose the way that I want to repent. I have to do it the Lord's way. I wish that I had never gotten hooked on this vile habit and I wish that I had told my wife that I needed help before we were married. I wish so many things. I am desperately praying for Heavenly Father to give me the strength and conviction to face the consequences of what I have done and I hope that I will do the right thing so that my marriage will not suffer any more than it already has. Thank you all. And if anyone wants to add anything additional, feel free. I welcome all help and assistance I can get.

I have seen this cycle happen over and over again. It is so hard to admit that it could have happened to me. It has happened so many times in the past and I guess I have insanity because I think that "this time" it will be different. I am sorry if you were on the receiving end of what I am going through. You probably have a totally different perspective than I do. I wish for so many things but it really has to start with a change made by me. If I try the same things I have tried so many times in the past, then it will probably just relapse down the road. It is so devastating to me that this is what my life has become. I want so badly to just be a good and honest Latter Day Saint. I have such sorrow that I have become one who rationalizes and who tries so hard over and over only to fall again. It doesn't make sense to me that I have fallen this many times. But I think you are right. A real change needs to take place and that change must start with confession. Thank you Misshalfway.

Does it ever even happen that a bishop will instruct you not to tell your spouse or that it is up to you? I obviously have no experience with this but I am not even sure. According to Lemonherb's post, it does happen. When I created this thread, I assumed that I would have to tell her but has anyone heard of times where the bishop feels that it is best to forsake your sins and to keep the destructive information from your spouse? It probably sounds, at this point, like I am grasping at straws. I was just curious. And what is the harm in asking? Once I tell the bishop, I have resolved to do what ever he feels would restore my soul as well as my wife's (including telling her the truth). I just wanted to know. Thank you.

You made some good points, Misshalfway. If I were married for 25 years and found out that she had been sexually acting out with the computer for many years, that would freak me out and it would probably hurt more than finding out sooner. I have only been married for 2 years and my sins happened over some months, so it is hard to imagine the other scenario. If I forsake my sins from two months ago (when I stopped and repented to God) and confessed to the bishop sometime soon, and the bishop told me that it was up to me on whether I should tell my wife or not, that would be a very difficult choice. It would depend on whether I regained the spirit and felt assurance that I had been forgiven. I do not know if I will sin (in that way) again in the future but I am assuming that I will not. If my wife and I reversed rolls right now and she went to the bishop and the bishop told her that it was up to her whether she told me or not but that she had received forgiveness from God, and she decided to keep it to herself, I'm not sure if I would be hurt by that or not. If it meant that I could live my life in ignorant bliss and I end up living with my wife in the next life, then I suppose in the grand scheme of things I would not mind. I know that my point of view is tainted, since I obviously do not want her to go through the pain and suffering that I have caused. All of this is based on a "what if: scenario anyway. The bishop will most likely tell me that I need to tell her and work it out with her so that she is restored if I am to receive forgiveness anyway. I doubt that the bishop will tell me that I do not need to tell her or that it is up to me. When I confess to the bishop, at that point I will keep nothing from him and I will do whatever he is inspired to instruct me to do. I do not want to go to the bishop with half truths and half confessions because then I will just have to go back later in order to receive full forgiveness. I can assure you that if my wife had kept sexual sins that she repeated over the years and told my years and years later that I would be beyond hurt. It would shake the very foundation of our marriage for a long time and I would be more than heart broken. I think that my situation is slightly different because I am not planning to keep it from her for years, nor am I going to continue to sin for years to come (that's the plan anyway). But if I received the promise of forgiveness from the bishop without the need to tell my wife and we ended up together in the Celestial Kingdom, I think that she would be happy on Earth as well as Heaven. These are all hypothetical scenarios. I will tell the bishop and I will follow his counsel on what I should do to make restitution for myself and for my wife. I am not a bishop, nor have I had inspiration on what should be done in cases like mine. I'm not even sure if there is ever a case where a husband does what I have done and is instructed to either not tell his wife or that it is up to the husband. I would imagine that in most, if not all, cases, that the bishop instructs the husband to tell his wife and seek forgiveness from her.

Thank you tumbledquartz. I read that talk and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Fear is the only thing that is keeping me from confessing. Fear of losing even a portion of my wife. I do not fear talking to the bishop. In fact, I think that it will bring me a great deal of peace. The only thing that I fear is the pain and heartbreak that I have already brought upon my wife. That is all that I fear. I understand that it is only God that can grant us forgiveness and that the bishop does not forgive. But the bishop can receive inspiration as to what steps will be necessary to receive forgiveness. That is all I meant by confessing to the bishop and receiving forgiveness. I actually confessed to these sins years ago. I feared then because I had never gone to the bishop about any sin in the past. He was very understanding and very compassionate toward me. I knew that he wanted to help me in any way that he could. So, going to the bishop will actually give me some relief. Unfortunately, I fell back into past sins. Back then, when I first confessed, I was a young college student. I had no relationship that I was destroying. I had my family and friends but no wife. Now, besides the atonement, my wife is all I think about every day. I am trying to make up what I have done before she even knows. I know I need to talk to the bishop. I know that he will be inspired to give me the counsel that I need in order to cleanse myself of my past transgressions. I will still fear that my wife will have to go through a broken heart and a loss of trust. But perhaps that can be avoided if I receive forgiveness without disciplinary action and instruction to choose whether or not to confess to my wife. Thank you again.

Your story sounds tragic. I cannot imagine my wife sinning because of my sins but that was probably the case with you as well. Who imagines that their spouse is going to fall off the deep end? If my bishop told me that I didn't have to tell my wife in order to be forgiven, then I would feel like the most blessed man alive. I also think that if my wife was told that our marriage would be forever changed (perhaps for worse but some have said otherwise). I know that I am experiencing anxiety and that can't be good for our relationship. But I have found, ironically, that it is the times that she is away that I let my emotions out, and I pray, and I feel like total garbage. When she comes home at night, I am just so thankful to have her that my emotions increase to a happier state and all I want to do is be close to her and listen to her. It is hard to sleep at night and I am not sure if it due to withdrawal or due to the fact that I am thinking about scenarios of telling her. I used to sleep like a brick. The trouble with me is that I think and think and think out ever possible outcome for everything and it is very difficult to act until I have thought out every possibility. I wish that I could just bring this to God and let him take away this burden, as though I had committed a less serious sin. My life with my wife is just starting to bloom into a wonderful experience and it's as though I am going to chop it at the root and it will have to regrow from scratch. Most of you have been very helpful and I appreciate that. I know that I seem to be going around and around in circles with this issue. It has helped me keep my sanity to talk to you about these issues, even if I don't know who you are. I suppose that I will not know what will be required of me until I actually talk to my bishop. I guess that there is a chance that he will tell me to keep it to myself but I have a feeling that this will not be the case. I am so ashamed that I have brought this past with me into our marriage and that my wife had no idea what she was getting herself into. Of course, I'm sure that my wife will still love me after confession. I'm just not so sure that she will want to be as affectionate or as conversational as she was before. I cannot chose the consequences of my actions, but I am surely delaying them. It is easy to convince yourself that it will be easier to repent later down the road. I have repented, to God, several times. In fact, every day I am on my knees and asking God to forgive my past and to make the temptations bearable and to help me to block out the past images that I have placed in my memory. Somehow I have a vision of confessing years from now and that so much time has passed that the bishop will forgive and tell me that it is up to me whether I feel that my wife should know or not. Either way, I am forgiven. That might be just a fantasy that I came up with to escape the truth. Also, if I delay in repenting, it may be more destructive that I have lived with this secret for so long, and I could die somehow in between now and then. So, I will just have to keep praying and asking God to help me to have the courage and the spirit to endure this awful truth.

As much as I have prayed that God would allow me to confess to the bishop only, I know that restitution must be made. Thoughts of putting off my confession keep coming back to my head because right now my wife is pleased with me and I am living in fear of not knowing what will come. I fear not only that she may not forgive me right away or at all, but the potential years of recovery that she will have to go through. I keep thinking and wondering if there would ever be a circumstance where I could confess to the bishop after years of me forsaking and trying my best to serve in the church where he (the bishop) would forgive me and tell me that it would be more damaging at this point to tell my wife. Oh, how foolish and stupid I was to have brought these sins in my life in the first place. I have lived my life as an addict off and on for years. I don't know why I kept returning to those horrible sins. Every addict that I have spoken to in other forums has said that it is practically impossible for an addict to completely forsake these sins on their own. At this point I am not so sure. I mean I have promised myself in times past that I would stop and somehow I kept falling back into old habits. These are the behaviors of an addict. However, since forsaking my sins this time, I have felt the pain and horror that my wife would feel. I have contemplated her feelings and her trust in me and it has brought me to new levels of hell in my mind. The things that used to kind of trigger the temptations are vile and revolting to me now. I have never felt this way in the past. Before, when I tried to forsake my sins in the past, the temptations were still alluring and seemed desirable. Now, when temptations or triggers arise, I feel sick and disgusted that they even come up. For this reason I feel that I can actually do this. I feel that I can give these sins up for good. And lets say that I did. Lets say that I live my life following the commandments of God and trying to serve others to the best of my ability. Lets say that I die without ever committing a major sin but also without confessing to my wife or bishop (or perhaps just to the bishop and not my wife). In that scenario I would still not be saved, right? Even if I forsake my sins and I live my life according to the gospel, I would still not end up with my wife in the eternities, right? I am looking for any alternative than to confess to my wife an I am not sure if it is possible. Confessing to the bishop is simple but I am almost positive that he will tell me that in order to be fully pardoned that my wife will have to be told. I feel like I either have to bring my wife to the knowledge of the damage that I have already caused, or I have to end up in a lower kingdom than my wife in the afterlife. I know in the grand scheme of things, telling my wife may not seem all that tough of a choice when faced with those two outcomes. But it is the hardest thing I could possibly imagine doing in my lifetime. The reason I think that it will be so difficult for my wife to hear and recover from is because of the stories and articles that I have been reading about wifes of porn addicts and the disgust, shame, anger, humiliation, and loss of love and trust that they experience after hearing about what has been viewed by their husband. The more I have been studying the effects of pornography, the more I am viewing myself as a disgusting and vile person. The reason that pornography is so devastating and so easy to get hooked on is because it attacks who we are as people. We all have natural tendencies to be curious and interested in sex. It is part of who we are. And unfortunately, once you look at something mild, your mind will want to look at something worse and worse each time. The more I think about it and see what has happened to me, the more disgusting and worthless I feel. I have spend two solid months researching, talking to people in forums, and finding ways to help myself stop for good. But I am afraid that simply stopping and trying to live righteously is not enough. For my wife to know that during my life I have fallen into this cesspool of filth multiple times will change the way that she views me as a person, not just a husband. We have had conversations about living our lives with fidelity and not cheating on each other. I have told her that I have no intention of cheating on her. To her, this would probably be considered cheating. It was compulsive behavior that had formed a pattern over time. And let's say that I do end up forsaking these sins for several years and then I confess. It would be difficult to play the "I did it because I was an addict" card. There really is not excuse. That is the sad part. These were behaviors that I fell into in my youth and I tried to quit multiple times over the years. But now, I have a deep and strong devotion to my wife. I feel that she is everything to me. I could not imagine after the hell that I have been going through that I would be able to allow my mind to wonder back into the sins that I have given up. That is what is making this decision to confess so impossible to make. And I apologize for being such a sob story. I am trying to build up the strength and the faith to tell her. It is just so hard.

How did this turn into a debate on whether porn or the makers of porn are evil or good? Porn and masturbation are both evil practices. The prophets have said so and the spirit is definitely absent when these activities are done. The shame and destruction to families that these two activities produce are very evident. I have read many stories to that effect. I am not proud of the times when I participated in these sins. That is one reason why I created this post, because I wanted to know if anyone had a similar experience or had heard of one where confession to a wife had resulted in forgiveness. I also wanted advice on how to approach the situation. I am willing to do what it takes to change my life and I am ashamed of the fact that I have even remotely strayed from the covenants that I made with my wife. I only hope that when I do confess that she will forgive me and that I can rebuild the trust and love that I have damaged. I have been reading the prophet's words and earnestly praying daily that my life will reflect what the Savior taught. I appreciate those of you who have contributed positive and constructive feedback. It helps my resolve to do good by communicating with others on this subject. Thanks

Ardell89104, how is having her sin with me going to resolve anything? Do you understand that these activities are wrong? Plus, she would be disgusted at the very idea. Constructive ideas only, please.

I have not committed adultery. I couldn't imagine doing that. Of course some might say that if I couldn't imagine committing adultery then how could I have looked at porn and masturbated over the years? Well, I don't know. It escalated from small things to bigger things but then tapered off. But, in answer to your question, no I have not committed adultery

Are you saying that I should just not tell my wife? I am a loving husband, and now that I have contemplated losing my wife I have become desperate to do anything to keep her in my life. If she was not apart of my life anymore then I think I would sink into a chronic depression. If I tell my bishop (I know that this is the next appropriate step) then that will be it. I will have some sort of disciplinary consequence and at that point my wife will wonder what happened to my standing in the church. I don't see any other way out then her discovering the truth or me keeping it from her and everyone else in my life for the rest of my life. No matter what I do, the impact will be devastating. If I confess to the bishop then I will most certainly have to confess to my wife and then our marriage will be forever changed for the worse (at least that is what I am finding as I read stories about similar situations to mine). If I stay silent then I will just endure the guilt and pain for the remainder of my days and die without proper confession to the bishop, thereby putting me out of reach of the Celestial Kingdom with my wife. I cannot chose the consequences of my actions and so I am putting off dealing with the consequences. This is not a good approach but I am terrified that my wife will be forever hurt and inconsolable by me. If I told her in 2, 5, 10 or 15 years and I never faltered again during that time, would it be any better or worse than telling her right now? I know that a lot can happen in that time but living our lives together in happiness is all I want right now. If I told her now, then it might be 10 or 15 years before our marriage feels similar to how it does right now. This wound will take a long time to heal for her. And she may not want me to be a part of her life anymore. I know that I shouldn't get any sympathy. These were my sins that I chose to participate in but the sorrow and the guilt that I feel is monumental and soul crushing. I can only imagine it amplifying if I told her and that is why I am putting it off. I am also trying to find others that may have had similar issues in their marriage or someone that they know. I want some peace of mind and some hope before I confess. This much I do know, if this is an addiction that I am experiencing, I feel that the pain and sorrow that I am feeling right now has etched a permanent mark on my brain that I believe will block out all tendencies to ever look at other women again. I cannot even look at any women in a desirable way without cringing and diverting my eyes because I feel that it is another assault on my wife's emotions. One of the most difficult things that I probably couldn't explain to my wife is how I could let it go on for so long before I stopped myself. Or how she would feel that I felt that she wasn't enough for me. I do not feel that way about her at all but it is easier said than done.

I have been living with a huge amount of guilt for a long time. I have had issues with pornography and mb since my teens. I have had long periods of abstaining in the past because I know that it is wrong. But I often returned and couldn't explain to myself why. When I married my wife in the temple, I had unresolved sins and I couldn't bear to tell my wife-to-be because I feared rejection. Well, I went through the first year of marriage without any infidelity but, for some months, I started down the same paths that I swore I never would return down. The reason it lasted months is because I felt so badly that I had returned and this particular sin is a coping mechanism. Now, I know that a lot of people here will tell me that I am an addict. And I very well may be but I have been able to abstain for as long as over a year in the past. I am almost certain that after the bitter guilt and anguish that I felt when I repented for damaging myself and my wife that I will never return to this sin again. It has been two months since I have forsaken my sins. I have wept so many times because I have potentially ruined our lives. I am so grateful for my wife and I have grown a new and deeper appreciation towards her. I have not told her about these sins. She feels that everything in our marriage is great. I have felt constant guilt since forsaking my sins. If I had to confess to a bishop and do whatever I needed to do, I would be willing. The thing that I cannot get myself to do is to confess to my wife. I cannot bear to inflict that pain onto her and I have rehearsed confessing multiple times but cannot get myself to do it. Lately, I have just tried to put her needs first in everything that I do and I have tried to show her love every moment we are together. But I can't get myself to confess to her. It seems impossible. I have thought about telling her now, a year from now, a few years from now, or several years from now. All of the results seem to be the same. If I hide this from her for a long time, then the damage may increase. And lets say that I am an addict but that I stop for good right now. Or lets say that I had never looked at porn before and started for the first time after marriage and stopped myself a little later down the road? Would that have made any difference? It is still an assault on my wife's heart, trust, soul, and emotions. I know that unless I repent that our marriage will not last forever and that I must go to a different kingdom after this life. I grew up in the church, I know the gospel, I have just struggled with this horrible sin for a long time. Will my wife be able to forgive me? I know that that is a hard question for people to answer since you do not know my wife. She is strong in the church. She is kind to everyone. She is positive and loving. But this news would shatter everything that she holds dear. All of our life's plans could come to a screeching halt. Plus, I have no excuse or explanation as to why I did what I did. All I can say is that I made terrible, repetitive mistakes and that my only wish is to restore what I have damaged. Is there anyone that has had experience with this? Can I save my marriage? Will forgiveness and forgetting be possible for my wife? Again, assume that it will never happen again, as I feel that this is going to be the case. I feel like I am in the gall of bitterness and that things must get a whole lot worse before they can get better. My main two concerns, and the only things that I think about all the time are: I want to save my soul, and I want to save my marriage. Thank you.