bjjulie

bjjulie: I understand that my experiences are many and extreme. Yes, I have looked at myself over and over to see if I am the problem. I've gone to a counselor to see if I am the problem. I've spent many years blaming myself and asking what can I do differently and what do I need to repent of so that I can have a different experience with some leaders. I've even sought out a General Authority friend and asked his opinion. All I am told is to be patient, that the Lord loves me, that I've not done anything wrong, and that I need to continue to forgiving and faithful. And I have followed that counsel. Still, the experiences sting! Have I had good priesthood leadership? Absolutely! I've had the privilege of working with men who are true SERVANT LEADERS. I love and respect these men. They quickly earn my trust and loyalty and under their direction I have always had leaps of personal growth as they set the standards high and loving expect us to live them. All I can figure is that: 1. Because of excessive moving I've had more contact with different kinds of leaders than most. 2. Always being 'new' and everyone knowing we are only there 2 years - sometimes we get 'set aside' to focus on the 'long- term' ward members- and have actually been told that. 3. I am kind, but I do speak my mind with as much tact and thoughtfulness as possible, but I do speak up, and that can be an irritant to some men. 4. Times are changing as we near the second coming and these experiences will become more and more frequent as the Lord 'sifts' the church. Which is why I think there are so many women out there starting to speak up - enough of us have had bad experiences that it's time someone listen to our hurts, our calls for some compassion, kindness, and love. Yes, I agree local leaders need more training. But honestly, you either have the spirit or you don't. You are either loving & compassionate or your not. You either internalize the gospel and act like a disciple, or you don't. Those already with loving attributes will work harder to develop them more, those without them will think the brethren are talking about someone other than themselves and make no changes. The 'sifting' My responsibility when being treated poorly by the priesthood is for me to do my best to look past the offense, pray for the person, do my best to make sure I am supporting them the best I can, and then look to fill my own needs elsewhere. Sometimes, I've found it best to just fade as much into the background as possible and separate myself from them to protect my own heart. I fully support the Prophet and the 12 Apostles. I keep my eye on them, and NOT on my local leaders.

Oh boy, I've got a TON of experience with this topic. I am NOT a feminist. I do NOT wish to receive the priesthood, but I DO wish to be treated with respect and dignity as a women in the church. As a stake primary president my stake president told the women attending the stake council that we were not allowed to speak, not allowed to address issues in the meeting (unlike the men) and when I opened the handbook to read that we were to bring our concerns to discussion to this meeting, I was told, "I don't know what more women in the church can do than shake hands, pat backs, and be cheerleaders." At the next stake meeting, the women were no longer allowed to sit around the high council table - we were asked to sit in chairs at the back of the room. One bad experience? Oh no..... How about a man who during church had me backed against a wall in the hallway, in public, while he berated me - in my face, pointing a finger, threatening me - and then calling other men over to 'join' him in a gang-like verbal attack, because this man felt I had 'offended' his wife. No action was taken against the man or men. In fact, I was the one who was told I was in the wrong- even though I said and did nothing during the incident. The men, including the Bishop, surrounded these men as part of their 'club' protecting one another and blaming me. NEVER is it appropriate for a priesthood holder to act in this manner. Or a Bishop who threatened to not give me a temple recommend because I suffer from depression (therefore something is wrong with me). When I asked him if there was no room in the Kingdom of God for those who struggle with mental issues his reply was, 'there's not room for all of them.' Or the Bishop who I went to to share the sorrow and fear of my husband being deployed into Iraq. I begged him for help and support. I asked him to please 'keep track of me.' I never heard from him again. Or the time as a RS president I sat in ward council and brought up some serious issues our sisters in the ward were struggling with. The counselor in the bishopric said, "the women are taking too much time in the meeting, can their have their own welfare meeting without us so we can leave?" Or the member of the bishopric who use to come up and stroke and touch my hair and arm and make comments that made me, and other women uncomfortable. We went to the Bishop to tell him our experiences. Two weeks later this man was called to be a High Counselor - his actions only increased. Or how about the home teachers that NEVER show up -- I mean, does the HT program still even exist? Or the Bishop who saw me putting in sprinklers (by myself because my husband was deployed). I'm reading online instructions, having a few problem with it, and he said, "wow, looks like a lot of work, have fun!" and then he drove off. Or how about the time a bishop called my husband in and asked him how it felt to be the head of a less-active family? Confused, my husband said, "what?" I had had a surgery that didn't go well, was down for over 2 months, and then went in for another surgery - which didn't go well, then another surgery and finally I had spent 18 days in the hospital with infection and complications. When my husband replied that I had been in the hospital the Bishop replied, "it doesn't take that long for a women to get over a hysterectomy, it's not that complicated!" His RS president was well aware of my complications. Or how about the time I hear from several other ward member what I had shared in confidence with the Bishop about a problem one of our children was having. When I went to the Bishop.... he said, 'HE gets to determine what is confidential and what is not.' Not me, it is HIS priesthood responsibility to discern that... not mine. I could go on and on and on and on...... Being military we've moved every 2 years on average. We've attended 15 different wards in our married life. I've seen it over and over and over..... the brethren mistreat women, they 'hang' together in a male 'club' protecting each other, they ignore, demean, degrade, and punish women. This is only a SMALL sampling of what we have experienced. Do I think they have all done it on purpose? No. Some of them are just ignorant. Others don't understand the gospel. Still others have allowed their priesthood power and position to go to their heart and create pride. Have I gone inactive? No. Why?? Because I have a testimony of he restored gospel. Attending church for me.... has not one thing to do with being 'social' it is all about obedience to my God and worshiping Him. I might add, the way the brethren act is despicable, it is evil when they are in positions over us and use that position to put women 'in their place' or to 'punish or ignore' our tender hearts. BUT..... I can't say that the women treat each other much different. They gossip, backbite, they are threatened by other sisters.... they do anything but ban together to add support and uplift. Yes, there are exceptions, but I find them to be increasingly more rare. Always being the "NEW" woman (or family) in the ward gives us a different perspective as everyone quickly lets you know what 'kingdom' is THEIRS in the ward. THEIR kingdom of friends, THEIR kingdom of reputation for being the 'crafty' one, THEIR kingdom of their calling. etc. Continually being the 'new' one, in some wards... we don't even stand a chance. I have great concern about how we as saints are to endure what prophecies are coming about our times being more and more chaotic. We are told to find refuge in our wards and stakes. More than not, we have found that our wards and stakes ARE the chaos in our lives. The drama, the personal kingdom building. The unrighteous dominion. We've come to realize that we need to look outside the church for more like minded people for support and fellowship and friendship. We've come to understand that we must rely more on ourselves and our relationship with our Heavenly Father to fill our needs, guidance, direction and revelation. I will NEVER go to my priesthood leader again for help of any sort. They've proven fairly consistently that they are NOT trust worthy individuals. It's not the gospel that is the problem. The Savior has taught us... I'm just not sure the majority of the members are listening anymore.