cotopaxi

Thanks for the response. Ma*turbation was involved. And now that you mention it that was probably where a majority of the stress relief came from. At times there was lust (I guess that comes with the territory). But most of the time it was a coping mechanism to deal with my depression. I've always found it interesting that once I started taking medication, not only did the depression subside but my "need" to watch pornography also went away. Over the years I think the depression and pornography created a vicious circle - because I was depressed, I'd watch pornography; but because I was watching pornography, I would get more depressed. It was a dark time. And I regret it every day.

I've struggled with severe depression since I was in high school. I was never officially diagnosed until my early 30s. I started taking medication about 7 years ago. I was married in 2002. For a few years before I got married, and a few years after I got married, I would use pornography as a way of escaping my depression. It was a mental bandaid of sorts. I don't think I was ever addicted to pornography. But it was a problem for a while. I knew it was wrong but it was also one of the only outlets I had when my depression would flare up. When I started taking medication, my life literally did a 180. I was able to think clearly. I didn't have suicidal thoughts any more. I felt happy for the first time since high school. And I stopped watching pornography. I guess you could say the medication filled the void. She's obviously aware of the depression. And she's extremely supportive. But I never told her about the pornography. I haven't watched pornography for years. And I have no desire to watch it. But there's a lingering guilt that's always with me. I feel like there's a weight I need to get off my shoulders. I feel like I need to talk to her. But I don't know how. I don't know what to say. And I'm worried about how she'll react. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.