JKing
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Posts posted by JKing
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If my son was having mental health problems on his mission, would he have been given medical assistance whilst on his mission? My husband said when he was on his mission, being sad was just put down to being homesick. But that was so long ago when my husband was a missionary.
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11 hours ago, NeedleinA said:
Q: Though very limited, how were his 4x emails toward the end of his mission? Upbeat & positive? Depressed & negative? I would imagine if you were to go back and reread those 4x emails, you may be surprised at what you might notice now.
Q: What reason did he give for extending his mission?
Q: May seem odd, but did he ever make mention of a 'special' girl OR 'extra special' family on his mission?2 of his emails were wishing me and his dad happy birthday, they just said Happy Birthday. 1 email was him telling us he was going to extend his mission and we wouldn't hear from him for the last 6 weeks. The other email was blank but he had attached a picture of himself, because I had asked him in a few emails to send me a picture of himself, because he opted not to Skype us on Mother's day but to phone instead so I was worried then why he didn't want us to see him, so I asked him to send a picture of himself so i could see he was okay.
His emails were always really brief, I cant think of anyone specific who he mentioned. Although, that didn't concern me because he has always been very private and likes to keep things to himself.
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11 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:
If you have his mission president's or recent companions contact information you can talk to them.
I do have an email for his mission president, my husband thinks we shouldn't bother him though because if something bad did happen then we would have heard. What do you think I should say in the email?
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11 minutes ago, zil said:
1) When one goes from having 100% of their time used up in good work to having all their time free, it creates a void. The available opportunities can seem unworthy (by comparison), leading one to doing nothing, which creates unhappiness while at the same time being addictive. He needs good things to do - or even "not bad" things, so he doesn't get in the habit of emptiness and idleness.
2) If something bad did happen, he needs to feel safe before he'll be able to reveal it to you (or someone) and work through it. You need to figure out how to help him feel safe, like he's loved and accepted no matter what.
IMO, going from mission to never attending church is indicative of a problem. Withdrawing from family is indicative of a problem (unless said family are already dysfunctional or he feels it's not safe to open up to them). This casts doubt on his reasons for extending his mission - was it to stay for a wrong reason? Was it to avoid coming home to a situation that makes him uncomfortable? Or....?
I'd say some honest and loving conversations are in order where you or his father or someone else he trusts mostly just listens.
Do you think someone on his mission will know if something happened to him? Perhaps my husband or I could contact them
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8 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:
That is not normal.
Feeling out of sorts is normal-- you did just move continents after all. But not practically shunning your family and being THAT isolated. In fact, most missionaries are required to write their families weekly. Honestly, I would suspect a mental health issue.
Have you asked your son what's going on? Does he have any future plans?
He definitely didn't write to my husband and I every week. I have tried speaking to him but he wont respond to me. When I asked him why ye is spending so much time in his room he said he was tired. My husband said missions cannot exhausting but it has been 4 weeks.
He was meant to be starting college classes from Monday but he said he wants to wait until next semester now.
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Hi, my oldest son returned from his mission 4 weeks ago and I think he has been sad ever since he came home. He barely celebrated Christmas with us and he has hardly left his room since being home. Whilst he was still on his mission I had a feeling that something was wrong with him, he very rarely wrote to us after the first year of him being away, and when the rule changed so he could phone us every week he emailed saying he wouldn't be doing that and he wanted to finish his mission the way he started it. I emailed him most weeks and he only emailed us 4 times in the last 6 months of his mission. Then a few weeks before he was due to come home, he told us he had decided to extend his mission for 6 weeks.
My husband says it is quite normal for a returned missionary to feel that way and that he felt the same. Although, I remember when my husband returned and he may have been upset without me realising it but he was nothing like the way our son is now. Do you think it is normal behavior? He hasn't even gone to church since he has been home and that isn't like him at all. If it is normal how long do you think it will last?
Also, I am slightly concerned something happened to him on his mission. Is there someone my husband or I can talk to, so we can find out?
P.s I am not a member but my husband is
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52 minutes ago, estradling75 said:
The most important role of a parent is to teach/train there kids to become responsible adults. If this does not ultimately happen then the parents will have failed as parents.
This is not to say that your kids will not make mistakes or rebel (they will), this is not to say you will not make mistakes (you will). But it does mean that you as a parent have to keep the end goal of your kids becoming responsible adults in mind. And that means your kids actions have consequences and they need to make hard choices some times. What is your daughter doing now to be a responsible adult and single parent? What is her plan to support herself and her child? She needs a workable plan. Her parents (You) can be a help and a stepping stone in getting there but you should not be the way.
So does your daughter have a plan that get her independent of you? If not you are failing and you need to help her get one. One could ask the same of your son.
My daughter has gone back to college now out of state. She comes to visit the baby once a semester and comes back for Christmas and summer, but I am the baby's main carer. I hope she has learnt from her mistakes and is fully focusing on her studies. I just hope when she graduates she will be ready to look after her baby full time.
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52 minutes ago, anatess2 said:
How do you think it happened that a child you raised from when he was 1 second old grew up not respecting anything you say? They don't just turn 18 and all of a sudden "you couldn't stop him". And if you can't stop him, how do you think his dad can stop him? Devouring mothers end up raising adults they can't stop. But that's water under the bridge now. The only thing you can do now is support your husband 100% and take away your son's keys. He can knock on the door if he wants to be let in.
My oldest 2 children had an unstable childhood and in their early teen years my husband and I weren't always available to them. I admit that we made mistakes and now I only want to keep my son safe by keeping him at home, where I can at least know he is okay every day.
My husband will wait up until 2 or 3 AM, I just simply can't do that.
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39 minutes ago, Carborendum said:
you should have evicted her.
yes evicting a pregnant 18 year old would have made me a great mother.
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57 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:
If so, let him make the choice: 1) have rent paid for here and respect the rules, or 2) make his own rules in his own house.
What you are suggesting I do is allow my son to make the wrong choice, which goes against my maternal instinct.
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2 minutes ago, anatess2 said:
But you allowed it when his father was not home, right?
Yes and I know that it was wrong of me to, knowing that my husband wouldn't like it. My husband thinks I allowed it because I am too soft on our son. The truth is I couldn't stop him, I couldn't wait up until 2 or 3 AM and ask his girlfriend to leave. I have 2 very young children and a grandchild I am looking after by myself. I can't chase after my adult children and make sure they are behaving.
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3 minutes ago, estradling75 said:
Did your daughter fornicate in your house (or else were) with your tact approval? (like your son was doing before his dad come home) If so that is were you screwed up.
No, my husband and I didn't know she was fornicating.
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4 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:
I thought your son was an adult. How come an adult needs to ask their daddy if they can have sex? For that matter, how can an adult's mommy not "allow" them?
The obvious answer is "your son is not an adult".
I didn't mean he needs his father's permission to fornicate. Obviously, that makes no sense.
I told him he needs his father's permission to have his girlfriend stay over.
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19 minutes ago, zil said:
And you think his fornication isn't harming his younger siblings? Holy cow, woman! This is seriously messed up.
...and later, after reading about the daughter - guess where the son got the idea that having extra-marital sex is A-OK? From your response to your daughter's pregnancy - and no, I'm not talking about whether you kicked her out of the house. You may as well stop teaching your children morals now, because your actions are speaking with an amplifier turned up to 11 and your words will be ignored.
Okay, how should I have responded to my daughter's pregnancy? I didn't want my other kids to see me angry or hear me shout, because if they ever make a mistake I want them to come to me. However, my kids knew I was disappointed.
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11 minutes ago, zil said:
Your words whisper "don't fornicate". Your actions scream, at the top of your lungs, "do whatever you want, no one will stop you, and if your father tries, I'll make sure your father fails".
I haven't allowed my son to fornicate since his father has been home. I made it clear to my son that he needs to get his father's permission.
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1 minute ago, zil said:
2) Live by our rules under our roof.
Because my son wont. He is stubborn even if I did manage to convince him that he is disrespecting his father by fornicating in our home, he would probably just do it more.
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14 minutes ago, Vort said:
I thought you said you were allowing your son to fornicate at your house over your husband's objections. Did I misunderstand?
22 minutes ago, JKing said:Yes you have misunderstood. I haven't allowed him to since my husband objected. Whilst my husband was away I allowed it but I told my son he has to clear it with his dad and that I didn't want to be involved. Although, of course I have ended up involved. Since my husband has told my son no I haven't told my son that his girlfriend can stay over.
17 minutes ago, Vort said:In what sense? In the sense that you are willing to say, "I'm morally against fornication"? Because that's not much. Are you willing to put your actions where your mouth is and tell your son that he can live at your home only so long as he avoids certain destructive behaviors -- including fornication? Are you willing to grant your ADULT son the ADULT right to make a decision about whether he wants to live according to (what you claim is) your moral standards, or whether he'd rather go out and get an apartment with his girlfriend?
It saddens me that my son fornicates, I hoped he would want to live by the same standards me and his father do. However, he is his own person and what good will it do for my husband and I to force him out of his home and our family home just so he can fornicate.
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21 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:
So, JKing, I ask you again - you came here asking a question. Did you hear our answers?
Yes I get it, you all think fornication is wrong. Although, of course I already knew that and I agree with you, which apparently is a surprise.
You all think I should let my son move out. Even though, I know that is a terrible idea. I guess you judge rules to be more important than your children.
Apparently, I don't have a moral code. Despite the fact that I am religious. Go figure
Oh yeah and my favourite opinion that I have castrated my husband.
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10 minutes ago, Vort said:
Sister, you do so every time you tell your son to ignore his father and do things your way instead. You and your husband should be united. Your husband assumed you and he shared a moral code, which you claim is true. It is not true. You have no moral compunction against fornication, except maybe the way you don't like it when people track mud into the house. "Yuk. That's not good. But I'm not kicking my child out of the house for it."
30 minutes ago, JKing said:i have never told my son to ignore his father. Did I feel at times my husband was unfairly strict with our son? Yes. Did I constantly get stuck in the middle of my son and husband's power struggles? Yes. My husband even admits that he was too strict at times and is glad now that I dialled the punishments he gave out back. However, I never told my son to ignore his father.
I am morally against fornication.
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3 minutes ago, anatess2 said:
You are so blind. He does it because you allow it. Just like your 19 year old did it.
My son knows how I feel about what he is doing. He knows I don't condone it.
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9 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:
really?
Yes. You think just because I am not LDS it is impossible for my husband and I to have the same moral code?
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2 minutes ago, anatess2 said:
It is your own words. You said you have no problems with your kid fornicating. Your husband does.
Where did I say that I have no problem with it? It hurts me the way my son is living and I pray that he will repent everyday. So how does that differ from my husband's belief?
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5 minutes ago, anatess2 said:
Obviously not. Otherwise, you won't have this conflict with your husband for 8 years.
We haven't had conflict over moral issues we agree on those. We have had conflict on how we teach these to our children and about discipline. You are wrong if you think we don't have the same expectations of our children.
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36 minutes ago, Carborendum said:
1. I'm not controlling what you do. I'm controlling what behaviors are allowed in my home and what is not.
Okay, but it isn't just my home it is his home too. Just because he isn't completely independent and paying bills, doesn't detract from the fact he is legally an adult and I respect his decisions even if I don't agree with them.
Our 19 year old daughter had a baby last year should we have evicted her and her child? She made decisions we didn't agree with.
My son returned home from his mission, but he hasn't been himself. Have you had this situation ?
in Advice Board
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@Jane_Doe I am slightly confused regarding him not getting medical assistance. Wouldn't someone have been there who he could speak to? I am not criticising the people on his mission at all. Perhaps he is just missing it.