kevieb

It is 5:30 am---I have been up since about 1:am because i have had something going around and around in my mind. I had a visit with the take president yesterday. The last time we had talked we had discussed children and what the church handbook says they are allowed to do in church. I have struggled ever since moving into this stake because it felt like the children were ostracized at church. They were not allowed to sing for mother's day, father's day, easter, christmas.......nothing except the primary program. they also did not allow any child under 12 to bear their testimony. I didn't know if it was our bishop or our stake---and then someone told me this came from the first presidency. I have worked in primary since i was in high school, and before the block program. I used to play the piano for primary after school when I was still in high school. I have spent much of my adult life working in music---more often than not, I have worked with the primary children. I was so bothered by how different the church seemed in my new ward and stake, that I looked up the church handbook to see what it actually said---and it said that children's choir's and family choirs could sing for church meetings. As far as I could tell, it was only our stake that was treating the children this way---i heard a few theories about how this came about--and i wondered why no one ever questioned them. We eventually had a primary president and a new bishop that somehow managed to allow our children to sing for mother's day. To make a long story short, we are 3 years with a new stake president and the new handbook specified that children could bear their testimonies as long as they could do it by themselves. I was discussing this with the stake president, and I told him that the handbook had always said the same thing about children and music. He said I had given him a challenge, and that he was going to look it up, because he had to teach the stake about the handbook. he said something about the handbook saying children under 12 were not to participate in sacrament meeting except for the primary program. (My own assumption is that i must have meant giving talks) I think I asked him if he had looked up music specifically. I asked him yesterday what he had learned when he researched about children and sacrament meeting participation. He told me that I had been right and that he had apologized to the people he was teaching on the stake level because they had been teaching them wrong---but he said they weren't going to advertise it. He did tell me that his son had lived in my ward and had said it was weird that the primary children did not sing for mother's or father's day----seems that apparently our ward was far more strict about what they misunderstood---the stake president even suggested that it might just be our ward. I am wondering why our local leaders would not want to correct something they had been teaching people, once they discovered that they had been teaching them incorrectly. I realize that a lot of people would see this as no big deal----but it has really bothered me, probably because I have had so many children of my own, and I have worked in primary music so much---both leading and playing the piano. I realize that this is not a Major doctrinal issue---but we are supposed to learn line upon line, precept on precept. The huge differences I saw in the church after moving to a different stake have really shaken my testimony up and it is still rattling around a bit. I feel like I am back to line upon line, precept on precept and I am struggling with knowing that what i believed was right all along, but had been mis-understood for whatever reason by our stake leaders---and now that they realize their mistake, they don't feel the need to get the word out to people so that they understand correctly what the church actually teaches. I always kind of felt that if Christ were to show up at church---the first group he would want to visit would be the primary children.

Seminarysnoozer---if I am understanding you right, some of the blessings of the atonement will not come about until after the resurrection? My belief has always been the same as what you are saying---as far as many of our "mortal corruptions, carnal tendencies, etc." are concerned--that if we continually strive to overcome in this life, but don't quite seem to make it to the top before we die, that Christ will make up the rest. I have just been told so many times that the atonement would take care of things that made me sad or physical illness-------and somehow i felt like it was being implied to me that it would take care of it in the "here and now". I felt like I was not understanding the atonement, or that my faith wasn't strong enough to make me not feel sad, or.........I think I actually have listened to a couple of people that have a tendency to be a little self-righteous and get so deep into gospel "doctrine" that it no longer is "simple" as the scriptures have always taught us the Gospel Of Christ should be. I'm a little ashamed to admit that i actually avoid talking to one of them because I so often feel like I get a religious lecture.

If i understand your question about your daughter right--you seem to be wondering about her needing to be endowed to be sealed to you and your husband. She does not need to be endowed to be sealed to you and your husband. As far as your question about what happens to you and the ex-wife if you both live worthy and he is sealed to both, but married to you---I think it is one of those things we don't have a lot of clear answers on---but traveler makes a very good point----the ex-wife broke her covenants with her husband (your fiance) Even though he would be sealed to both of you---i have a hard time believing that God would make someone spend eternity with someone they didn't want to be with--but then you can get in to what you said about the atonement taking care of the ex-wife since she is repentant--it can get very complicated to think about----I think that is why they tell us not to dwell on things that are impossible for us to understand. I always try and remember that we are finite beings with finite minds and that there are infinite principles that our finite minds are incapable of understanding. That was a mouthful! I DO understand your concern---I wish I could really be of help and have the perfect answer for you--but I don't. My parents were sealed in the temple--I was born in the covenant--my father left my mother, my mother remarried an active church member, her sealing to my father was broken so she could be sealed to my step-father. I was told I would have to choose who I wanted to be sealed to--my father or my step-father---I was devastated and I sobbed. whoever told me that was wrong. I don't know how it will all come out in the end, but regardless of what happened with my parents, I am still born in the covenant and worthy of whatever blessings that entails.

thanks--good to know i am not alone in this!

I'm pretty sure i understand, now--but just to clarify----when a person is endowed, just because they may be hitting a bump in the road, and may not be worthy of a recommend for a period of time---they should continue to wear their garments. I'm pretty sure my husband would have no desire to not wear them---I was just wondering because it popped into my mind and I had never read anything on it. I appreciate you both for your patience with all my questions---I'm trying to get my ducks all back in a row and get rid of negative feelings I have allowed to creep in over the last 5 or 6 years.

DrPepper--I have believing Christ and Following Christ------One of the stories that gives me the most hope in my stumbling life is the "Parable of the Divers"---I believe it is in "Following Christ" applepansy--I'll make the time here soon to look up the mormon message you mentioned To the rest of you that gave varying insights--you made me think of something--and I wonder if it was the atonement in action. I have identical twin daughters--beautiful girls, and always very tiny. They have both had eating disorders. One did not act on the impulses until she went to college and had difficult room mates. She is married now and doing quite well---actually both are married and doing well. The first one to start with the eating disorder used to cry when she was only 4 years old because she was afraid she would get fat---I hoped we weren't headed for an eating disorder. When she was in 9th grade, she often did not look happy--but claimed there was nothing wrong--they had always been so skinny, I did not notice weight loss. She started acting on her eating disorder in Nov of her 9th grade year at about 14 1/2 yrs old. Over the Christmas holiday, she and her twin sister and the next daughter down were all diagnosed with celiac disease. I took all three girls to the Ped GI in Feb to have him talk to them about their condition. He told me that only one of the girls looked sick. He checked her thyroid, which was fine----it must have been apparent that she was losing weight by this time---I assumed it was the celiac disease---so we went about figuring out ways to add calories to her food---this is when she figured out how to throw up. The Ped Gi tried to suggest to me it could be an eating disorder--but I could just not believe that could be true. She ended up in the hospital the last month of school, just before she turned 15, at only 67 lbs. She was in the hospital for 3 months before we were able to bring her home. She appeared to do well for a time, but the following winter I was sure I was going to have to put her into treatment again. I searched for places on the internet as I sobbed, and requested info from one place. I received a phone call surprisingly fast--but it was someone else. It was a gal that had dealt with an eating disorder herself and had been to the very treatment center I requested info from. I had been given her name--but I had never called her. She was at work and was on her break. She told me that she just felt like she needed to call me--she had had to call my sister to even get my phone number, and wondered if it would be alright to call---my sister told her she thought it was an answer to prayer. She said she had been a patient at the place I was looking in to and she offered to go with me to tour the place if I wanted. i think she had even requested they send her info. I was amazed. It didn't fix anything or even make anything better at the time---but what it did do, was make me realize that the Lord was aware of me and that he knew I was suffering. just that knowledge alone buoyed me up for days--it brings tears to even remember----was this the atonement in action I was experiencing?

I'm not exactly sure how to word this, so please bear with me.....Quite a few years ago, my husband and I both went in to our bishopric for temple recommends. I managed to get over immediately and finish my recommend with the stake presidency. For whatever reason, my husband did not get over to see the stake presidency--(they were only available for recommends one night a month--although I imagine special arrangements could be made if needed). He went two years without a temple recommend----until my next birthday when it was time to renew our recommends. At the time, we had a lot of little children and the nearest temple was about 2 hours away. If I happened to have a nursing baby at the time, a temple trip would have been next to impossible since it would involve approx 7 hours round trip, including time to eat. Actually, how often we attend the temple has nothing to do with the question I have--just trying to explain how my husband could have gone without anyone realizing his temple recommend was not up to date--the bishop had "passed" him---and then assumed he had gone to the stake presidency and finished it. He may have seen the bishop on a night the stake presidency wasn't available and just didn't remember to get back since we were not going often. All was eventually rectified and we both have recommends due to renew next month. Recently, my husband told me that if he was interviewed at that time, he did not feel he would be worthy for a recommend. I do not believe he has DONE anything to make him unworthy---it is more of an attitude issue--and the fact that he only attends sacrament meeting at this time. He skips priesthood meeting, comes to church during sunday school and spends a good portion of that time cleaning the chapel after two other wards have met and arranging the hymn books because the spanish branch uses our building, so he makes sure there are english books available on every row. He also sets up the chairs in the overflow where many people sit. This is not his official calling, but I have heard a member of the bishopric say something appreciative to him about it---he really does not like to go to sunday school, but he is usually in the building and keeping himself busy. Whether or not is is unworthy is not my call to make--but considering the challenges we have had, and the fact that he is in the building more than he used to be, and the fact that I know going to the temple affects his attitude for the good---I would like to think that the spirit of the law might trump the letter of the law in this case---but that is also not my call. If our bishop should choose not to renew his recommend next month---is he supposed to continue to wear his garments until the bishop feels he is worthy for a recommend again, or am I supposed to buy him regular underwear?---he has no other undergarments of any sort except a sport support. Sorry if this is a stupid question---but I have never seen it addressed anywhere.

quartz--i'm sure I was meant to meet up with you on this board--you seem to be able to answer some of the things that don't make sense to me--without me even asking---and you aren't disillusioned and haven't lost touch with the spirit. I remember a time, after being inactive and leaving my first bad marriage, that i was far stronger in my religious convictions. That scripture in the D & C was always told to us about making decisions--but to me it is obvious that it can't work that way all the time for everyone--but they also told us that all the scriptures apply to us, even if they were given to someone else in another time period---which could translate to a lot of young impressionable minds that that scripture is the way we are to do things when we are seeking an answer. The quote you gave from Richard B. Scott's talk describes exactly what i was feeling when I was in the process of selling my last house and buying this one. I had the troubled and uneasy feelings about what I was doing---but I was not spiritually sensitive enough to recognize that it was the spirit trying to get through to me. It is amazing to see exactly what i felt actually written down in a talk from a general authority. I remember that same uneasy feeling when i was dating a fellow off and on for a year before I met my husband. everyone thought it was a perfect match---My Mother even told me I was crazy if I didn't marry him---but I had such an uneasy feeling almost right from the start. i met my hubby within weeks after we broke up---which had been perfect timing, because If my hubby had called me to ask me out--I would have wanted to go, but probably would have turned him down because of feeling obligated to the other guy. I had only a few snatches of worry when my hubby and I were dating---especially the week after he gave me the ring---but they were so fleeting, I mark them up to normal adjustments to a new relationships and a brief bout of cold feet. I just didn't have those feelings of thinking that there might be someone better out there. i called and talked to my dad yesterday about wanting to move and how I felt--he had some interesting points he told me and said he had a lot of confidence in gut feelings (he's not especially religious) he also had an interesting thought--he felt part of my unhappiness here could be from my growing up years in this house--maybe feelings i am subconsciously holding on to---I thought he had a good point on that one. I think the last quote you gave me IS relevant to my house situation----especially the part about acting on a decision. I have been thinking about this for some time, and the second house became available while I was thinking about it----and I haven't even acted on it yet. i need to go ahead and start advertising in one way or another that we want to sell this house---but I am scared and a little uncertain about how to go about doing it--it's not like i can't easily find someone to help me put it on craigslist and buy, sell and trade on facebook. I know that both houses have been listed on one or the other of those places---i can start the same way. If I sit here wishing away without acting, i will lose any chance there might be. I've also thought about my reasons for wanting to move---earlier, it had a lot to do with feeling uncomfortable in my new ward and stake---but over time, I have often felt a little more comfortable in the ward--so that is not nearly so much of an issue. The bus situation is a big deal because my youngest is only in 3rd grade, being closer to the store is a big issue because I don't feel well a lot, being close to people we have known for 25 years is a big issue because my own family has mostly moved away--people we know for a long time have a tendency to feel a little like family, having a yard big enough to garden in is a big issue--i used to love to garden and would can almost anything I could get my hands on, having a house that does not spread everybody so far apart while inside is a big issue because I feel like we are losing touch with our younger children----and my husband spends so much time in the bedroom watching TV---in this house, the master bedroom is far away from the main parts of the house. Also, having people who knew my husband when he was more active and involved seems really important to me--because i can't help but think that they would notice the difference and want to more readily "bring back the lost sheep". I feel like I have thought things out, now it is time to exercise faith and act by listing it where people can see it is for sale----plus getting the word out whenever we can (a realtor is my last choice because of cost--and everything is slow in the winter,anyway)

quartz, sorry that a lot of my post was a repeat of what i had said in the previous post--but it still did me good to go over it again. literateparakeet--somehow I missed your post before---I appreciate what you said. garryw--we live about 45 miles from the Twin Falls Temple. Our recommends are good until next month. i have definitely seen a difference in my husband when we have attended the temple. i have chronic pain, so doing a session is like walking a tight rope in trying to make sure I don't get too much or not enough medication to be comfortable---but doing sealings is much easier for me because I can change positions and slip out to the bathroom if i need--plus, they let you go to the celestial room after doing sealings, if you want---that would probably do my hubby and I both good to spend a little time in there. i also think initiatory work would be easier for me because you can do that for as short or as long of a time as you want. My husband says he does not think he is worthy to get a new temple recommend---I don't think he has DONE anything to make him not worthy---I think it is more an attitude issue and the fact that he has only been attending sacrament meeting. I feel like the spirit of the law might be a little more important than the letter of the law right now--forgive me if my thinking is wrong on that-----but i think a visit to the temple before our recommends run out might just do us both a lot of good.

quartz, sorry that a lot of my post was a repeat of what i had said in the previous post--but it still did me good to go over it again. literateparakeet--somehow I missed your post before---I appreciate what you said. garryw--we live about 45 miles from the Twin Falls Temple. Our recommends are good until next month. i have definitely seen a difference in my husband when we have attended the temple. i have chronic pain, so doing a session is like walking a tight rope in trying to make sure I don't get too much or not enough medication to be comfortable---but doing sealings is much easier for me because I can change positions and slip out to the bathroom if i need--plus, they let you go to the celestial room after doing sealings, if you want---that would probably do my hubby and I both good to spend a little time in there. i also think initiatory work would be easier for me because you can do that for as short or as long of a time as you want. My husband says he does not think he is worthy to get a new temple recommend---I don't think he has DONE anything to make him not worthy---I think it is more an attitude issue and the fact that he has only been attending sacrament meeting. I feel like the spirit of the law might be a little more important than the letter of the law right now--forgive me if my thinking is wrong on that-----but i think a visit to the temple before our recommends run out might just do us both a lot of good.

quartz-(hope you don't mind me shortening that for ease) I always remember the scripture that says you should study a thing out in your mind and then ask the Lord if it is right--if it is right, he will cause a burning in your bosom so you will know it is right, if it is not right, you will have a stupor of thought that will make you forget the thing which is wrong----but, somehow, i don't think it is always that clear cut for some of us. I know, now, that I felt the spirit when my hubby and I were kneeling across the altar---it was the calmest feeling, and I remember it was such a strong feeling and i remember that it was stronger than any feelings of Love for my husband or any feelings of excitement I had about marrying this man I felt so much in love with--it was just a perfect calmness---yet I didn't recognize it for what it was until i told someone about it and they told me what it was. I do think I thought it was kind of weird that my main feeling was calmness instead of excitement, love or nervousness. However, even with that assurance---our life together has not been easy at times. I guess that means that just because something is the right thing, doesn't necessarily mean everything will be easy or just "fall in to place". the scripture only says we will get a burning in our bosom assuring us it is right. The part I have difficulty with, is that the scripture also says you will have a stupor of thought and you will forget the thing that is wrong---that doesn't work with those of us that over-think things to death. I feel like the uneasiness i felt so strongly, and the fact that i was falling into a depression and my husband was becoming so difficult (plus the fact that I had never been interested in buying my mother's house) should have been a blaring sign to me that I was making the wrong decision. But, I was afraid it might be the only chance of us getting out of that neighborhood--I was afraid of what might be happening to our neighborhood--and the only houses we could find, that were big enough, would not take contingency offers---my Mom was willing to wait for us to sell ours. I think my sister was even planning to move my mother and sister out to her house, and for us to move into mom's house before our house was sold---then ours could be left clean for showing-----we both would have had to still be making payments----I was letting someone else make decisions for me-----and i still couldn't see it. after we sold it sight-unseen, on the internet, during a bad market made it seem like it was the right thing--even though I felt awful. Even our realtor, who had been in my ward, said she thought the Lord had a hand in it, and another of my sisters said she thought it worked out best for everyone because my Mom didn't have to completely clear everything out of her house or get it fixed up to sell (she wasn't up to that) We had to go through everything and get rid of stuff---and i still have an excess of stuff in the house I am working on getting rid of--and it is not easy for me to do. I think maybe I thought we would fix this house up and eventually sell it---it could be worth more than we bought it for with a lot of updating---but we can't afford to do what it needs. I just kept letting the positive things that other people were saying convince me that it was the right thing---even though I didn't feel very good about it, except for a random positive thought or idea here or there. I think I have regretted it everyday since we moved. So, i can't change the past--but now I have this very desperate feeling of wanting to move back. My husband is willing to consider it if i do all the planning and can make it work, and can show him on paper that we would be better of financially---once again, he is leaving the whole decision up to me--but is willing to go along with whatever i can work out if it is financially workable. I know for certain that a move would probably save us 100-150 dollars a month in power bills (at least at our old home)--ours are outrageous--the gal at the power company said this house had some of the highest power bills she had ever seen. Our old home, and the big side yard that we sold separately as a building lot, are both for sale. There is also another house in our old ward that is for sale. our old home would need to have the yard totally restored, but the house is in very good condition--it is at the edge of our old ward boundaries---we were always kind of separated from people, but we had space around us and were close to the store and the church house and the schools. I think we might have to expand it somewhat, though to fit our family for family gatherings. The other house is also in good condition and has a better lay out than my old house-- it is right in the middle of our old ward boundaries--in a neighborhood full of people we have known for 25 years----I think it would be really good for my husband, where he is struggling with church activity---I think there would be more positive support for him. The stake president there is our old bishop and offered to help me when i told him about our struggles. Interestingly enough, my husband mentioned once that he thought this particular man could help us---he didn't know he had already offered to help. It is also built on a double lot, so it would give me plenty of space to get back into the gardening that i used to love. ( I cannot garden in our present home because of several factors.) It also has a shop, which my husband has always wanted. We live in a neighborhood full of mostly older people------both other houses have neighborhoods with children, both are closer to the store--it is difficult for me to get myself out to the store when i don't feel well---especially since we have to drive across town and make a lot of turns from our present home---both other houses would be pretty much a straight shot to the store. Both houses also have bus stops very close to the house. We don't have that in our present home. Our present home is two floors high with a family room in the basement (3 stories) and I feel like it separates us more as a family, especially since there are fewer children at home. I know that I have a very strong feeling about wanting to move--and i feel like my reasons are very legitimate reasons, but i don't know how to tell the difference between what i just want and what would actually be best for my family. My family seems content enough here, but no one is really trying to work at getting my husband more active again--and he probably likes being left alone like that--it's easier. My oldest at home will graduate this year--so it is not that much of an issue to her. My 13 yr old has friends in the old ward---she doesn't do anything outside of church with the girls in our ward. My 15 year old son has friends in this ward, but he hangs out a lot with people outside of our ward, too. My youngest daughter goes to a different school from everyone in our ward----and I'm not sure if there is anyone in her grade in our ward--4th grade (next year) they all go to the same school regardless of where they live. When any of my married children come home--no one in our ward knows who they are, our old ward is full of people who have known them since they were either very young or since they were born--they would be greeted warmly when they came to visit. There are people in this ward i really like---but I have never really felt like i "fit in". I have also never worked in an organization (except subbing for primary music 4 years ago) with more than one person---so i have never been able to develop that comeraderie you get from working with a group of people. If I could move into the house in the middle of my old ward's boundaries----i would have two friends within walking distance that are both stay-at-home moms like me. Seems like I have every reason in the world to move---and almost none to stay--but I sit here frozen about starting the legwork to try and sell my home. I know this was probably information overload--but it did me some good to write it all down. The only thing I "think" I feel uneasy about is getting my heart set on moving and then having both homes sell before we can get ours sold. Maybe I'm also feeling that if I had people around me that i felt more comfortable with and have known for so many years, I would feel like I had more "family", since mine mostly moved away---and I would feel like I had more support---and if I was happier---our whole family would be happier----don't they say that it is often the mother who makes the home happy or unhappy? After looking back over the advice you wrote me, I think I have had an impression of what I want to do for quite awhile--and two houses have become available--I have prayed about it and not felt uneasy about the decision---I think I need to start acting on it by getting my house on the market one way or another---and then see how I feel and how it goes from there. Now to figure out how to try and sell without a realtor to save costs........ Please feel free to comment on my line of thinking, here---by the way--things are still going well with my hubby!

One of my son'r lived in his car through the winter--it about killed me and i worried about him---even went looking for him late one night. He still struggles with life and doesn't live according to our standards--but interestingly enough, he does go to the singles branch off and on. he is living with us again--he tried to get out on his own--but he wasn't making enough. we had to bring him back home--then he lost his job--just after my husband had co-signed on a car for him. I think he has some sort of learning disorder--we notice he can't always follow things well--even when we are very exact about what we need done. It is not the best situation--but we have him in counseling right now, he has anxiety and depression and anger issues--hopefully he can get it together one day. Every child and every situation is different.

tumbledquartz--i tried to read it---and i just can't right now---My hubby has been home early yesterday from work and all day today, of course--and not an unkind word from him. He was even sympathetic and listened as i briefly talked about my struggle with depression----and right now it is really bad. I honestly wonder how much of the problems in my life are all my fault because I have fought depression so long. i read an article recently that talked about how difficult it is for someone who is severely depressed to feel the spirit---and I don't think it is because they don't want to. I had my family all write their gifts to the Savior for this year on a piece of paper and put them in a white stocking to save for next year. My gift was to read my scriptures and get my prayers said 4-7 days a week. I know 7 days a week should be the ideal--and I used to be a lot better at it, but i figured i'd better not set a goal that i was sure to fail if I set it for every day. Ideally, I d like to get my prayers said every morning and every night--I'm pretty sure I used to get them in most of the time----I also used to be pretty good with my scriptures--even if it was only one verse. Receiving personal inspiration came up in sunday school this last sunday. I made the comment that I am somewhat obsessive-compulsive and I have a tendency to over think things to the point that I no longer recognize if I have been given inspiration or not. The best example I can give right now is this house we are living in. We lived in our last house and ward for 18 years---after we had lived there 9 years, I could see that we were outgrowing the house space--but I had loved so many things about where we lived. I found a house that seemed perfect and it was on the market forever, we were approved for a loan---It seemed like it was meant for us---but 3 offers came in on one day, and a friend of mine ended up buying it. I had been so sure it was the right place for us--but i remember getting the distinct impression after it sold, that us not getting the house had nothing to do with us--whatever that meant. I made up my mind I was going to learn to get by with our house. We added on to the family room, which took out a bedroom (dumb) we had had a different plan for remodeling that would have given us a bigger family room and not lost the bedroom--but we never prayed about it. A few years later we remodeled our kitchen and we had a lot of space in our new "great room"--it just wasn't as practical for living since the basement stairs took up a good portion of half of the room. I can't tell you how many times we remodeled our partial basement--but we ended up with a really nice big bedroom with an attached bathroom and a walk-in closet. We also had organized toy storage and a very organized food storage room--plus crawl space that held a lot of stuff. But, we had a very small room for the children to play in--and we had two bedrooms with 3 children in them--at one time we had 4 children in one bedroom--that is too many kids in one room for me. I always felt so crowded--and we had two more children during the next 9 years we lived there. Someone once suggested i buy my mother's house--but I was NOT interested in the house I grew up in. I needed yard space, I'm a gardener. After my step-father died, my mother wanted to stay there for at least a year before she made any decisions. Somehow it was suggested that we buy her house---it immediatly gave me a VERY uncomfortable feeling. My husband was content to stay where we were. My sister was going to remodel her house (with financial help from mom) so that mom and my brain damaged sister could move in with them--and my hubby and I would buy my mom's house. My husband wanted nothing to do with selling the house or even looking at the repairs needed on my mothers house--he just said he would go along with me if I managed to get it all worked out. I felt SO UNEASY almost the entire time I was trying to decide and even after we made the decision to go ahead and try selling and moving. I don't know why i couldn't recognize that uncomfortable feeling for what it was. I was sinking in to depression, my kids did not really want to move, neither did my husband, but I was determined it had to be the right thing. Only ONCE did I happen to be lying on my bed and have a very peaceful feeling that this is what I needed to do for my family---I never felt it again. I can't help but wonder if it was like the time the people kept asking for a king--and the Lord kept telling them no, and told them all the things that would go wrong with a king--but they persisted in asking for a King--until they were finally given the most righteous King possible---and still all the things they had been warned about happened. I was sinking into depression the whole time we were working on moving--and this is when my husband started yelling such awful obscenities at me. My sister told me they were just afraid that I would back out---and at the last minute I wanted to back out--and would have if my husband would have agreed---but we wouldn't--not after I had pushed him so much about it---and we sold our house sight-unseen on the internet in a very bad market. We had 3 weeks to move--and I completely fell apart, I reacted badly to an anti-depressant and got sick---and within several months of moving i had lost so much weight people thought I had an eating disorder. I have never really recovered or been back to myself since. Looking back, i can see that the almost constant unease I had about the whole move was most likely the spirit trying to tell me I was not making the right choice---and I ignored it! I did feel some pressure from my sister---but i can't blame anyone because I am responsible for my own decisions. To add insult to injury, it put a lot of the family in an uproar that we bought the house. Rumors flew around that the house and all the furniture were GIVEN to us. My combined family has had so many secrets---and secrets are not good for families. My mother payed the house down some so that we could afford it---but she said they had already planned to do that and she thought it had already been done---my parents did their own things with money and didn't always discuss it---plus my step-father had not been in his right mind for longer than anyone realized. The house was really outdated, and it needed a lot of repairs. My husband asked if any money could be loaned to fix things--he was thinking a few hundred a month. My mother and my sister decided on 20,000 and my husband was shocked when he was handed the check. (my mother's money, but my sister was supposed to be helping my mother with her finances) We used about half of it making the balconies safe and remodeling the master bathroom---then he lost his job. everything kind of went to hell after that---so many things were assumed and said about us---I have cried probably every day for about at least 80% of the time we have lived here----I want to move back so badly it never leaves my mind. My old house is for sale--but the big yard was sold separately--it is for sale, too--but we would be looking at major restoration in the yard if we could even make all the selling and buying work out. There is also another house in our old ward that is for sale that would give us enough space for our large family to visit and has a large yard for me to garden--but once again, the selling and buying is a problem. My sister could not deal with my brain damaged step-sister first--so they moved her to an assisted living home---then she couldn't deal with my mother living there--so she and another sister decided Mom had dementia (she didn't, forgetfulness was a side effect of a medication she took--I take the same thing and I forget things, too) My sister has 4 autoimmune diseases and i think she is probably not always in her right frame of mind--lots of medication, too. so, My sister from Utah, who I used to depend on so much, almost like a mother while my mother worked, came up and took my mother away to utah. I had lost two people that helped me feel secure. My sister had moved to utah just a couple of years before. My mother most likely would have never left the town she had lived in for 35 years--she had told me she did not want to go to utah, she said she really wanted to find an apartment in her old ward and stay here. I feel like everything is my fault because i was so set on thinking I needed a bigger house---and ignoring that nagging uneasy feeling that i think was the spirit warning me that i was making a mistake. I feel like I have lost my family (siblings), and my mother, my children are leaving home so rapidly, I've messed up my marriage more than the problems we were having--which may not have been really much worse than what other people deal with--you don't always see things clear with depression. And i can't seem to feel like I fit in where i am now. Funny, I always thought i would take care of my mother--I was one of the youngest and always insecure--and my mother had always done so much to help me. I realize this was REALLY long--but I just wanted to give you an idea of what I managed to do to myself and my family's lives by not listening to or recognizing the spirit---but I rationalized--and my sister would tell me to remember that one time that I had felt very good about the move. Looking back, It is almost as plain as day that I ignored the spirit. I think my husband and I have never made it a practice to really pray about the choices we were making as we went about living our life and raising our family. I think typing all this has helped me (along with some medication) to calm down--I can probably print the talk off and read it. Will it help me know how to tell the difference between my own wants and what the spirit knows is best? If you got through this--thank you!

I grew up in a blended family and I raised a blended family. It is not easy for everyone, adult or child, to automatically love a new parent or child that has come into their life---especially if it wasn't by their choice. However, there should always be respect and kindness---love can grow from there. Sometimes a lot of the differences between step-parents and children don't appear until after the marriage has already happened and everyone starts to go about living their lives normally---only to discover that not everyone has the same "normal".

years ago i read an article that said that whether or not a child follows in his/her parents religion has a lot more to do with how good the relationship with their child is rather than how strongly the parents lived their religion. My oldest son also started to rebel around the same age as your son. We went the rounds with him. We did insist that as long as he was still in high school, he had to attend church and seminary---in my opinion, that is just what LDS families do. He did not put up an argument about either of these things--but I don't think he was always honest about the reasons he wasn't there, either. However, at some point, I realized I didn't have a lot of control over the path he was heading down and I realized that i needed to work on my relationship with my son. My son did go inactive. He is 29 years old now---but we have a VERY good relationship. I know that even when he didn't go to church himself that he was defensive of the church when people talked it down--because that is where his family went. I don't know what the future will hold, he married a non-member, but i know that we have a better chance of him coming back around someday because we have a good relationship than we would if we had pushed him and pushed him until we turned him away.

I'm pretty clear on how the atonement works when it comes to sin and repentance and being forgiven and how Christ's mercy will satisfy the demand for justice, but i have heard that the atonement covers everything else in your life---such as sickness and sorrow and poor relationships, etc. I don't understand this. I have several medical issues--some i may be able to improve, some are probably going to be with me for life. i have had struggles with my family (siblings and parents) I have also had struggles in my marriage. How can the atonement help me with these things? i understand that in the Garden of Gethsemane that Christ suffered for all of our sins and that he has experienced--i assume vicariously, every experience we will ever have. Basically, I have been taught that he understands every challenge we deal with---but I don't understand how the atonement can help me with my health problems or my relationship challenges. Is there a Gospel scholar out there who can explain this to me in simple terms that I can understand?

I needed to do this in two different posts to separate the two issues. When i met my husband, he was newly divorced--i had been separated and divorced for 2 1/2 years and had dated a man off and on for a year---really tried to fall in love with that guy, but I just couldn't do it--it never felt right. I was set up with my hubby on a blind date shortly after my final breakup with the other guy and right after having my tonsils out. We went swimming, no less--with his children--and we ended up at the hospital having his eye stitched up because he hit it in a water slide---people kept asking me info about him--and I was too embarrassed to say I was on a blind date. He impressed me not only with the things he said, but with the things he didn't say--he didn't worry that his daughter was chubby and he didn't think i should have tried to take my ex for everything i could get. He told me all the things he did wrong in his first marriage--he was aware that he had really screwed things up. He also told me the things he thought it took to make a good marriage---I believed him. He treated me like a queen, he went out of his way to do the little extras and when i was offended by something he said, he apologized and sent me flowers---here is a clue to the dynamics of our relationship--the thing he said that i was offended by------should never have offended me---i think I was overly sensitive to certain things because of my first marriage and because i didn't have a lot of self esteem. He had been inactive for 13 years and said he would not marry me until he could take me to the temple. He knew he was in love with me and wanted to marry me--but he was content to wait until i felt the same way--the other guy was kind of pushy about those issues. My hubby could tell me he loved me and not be hurt that I couldn't say it back to him yet. When we were in the temple, kneeling across the altar, I wasn't feeling madly in love, I wasn't feeling excited, I just had this overwhelmingly calm feeling--I don't know how to describe it---and I didn't recognize it as the spirit giving me confirmation that I was doing the right thing until someone pointed it out to me later. Putting together a combined family is never easy, I grew up in one. plus, he had the ex-in-laws from hell---if we had been dealing with his ex only things would have been much better. His 13 year old son had problems I had not been warned about--and I was only a 4 year old mother. (my son was 4, daughter 2) I got pregnant and miscarried and was put in bed. I said that he hadn't planned on this--he told me he didn't make plans, he only made commitments. Yes, i was impressed with his attitude from the first time I met him until about 6 months into our marriage. i actually used to say things just to see what he would say back----and he always said the right thing. We spent hours talking while we dated. After 6 months, i think the strain of in-law problems, being still pretty newly active in the church, problems with his son---and not realizing how difficult working at a marriage really is, finally took it's toll on him. When i wondered why he didn't do the things he said he would do, he told me it was just too hard to keep up that much commitment. He was also dealing with some dissatisfaction at work-----I think it was really depression. I ended up having a complete nervous breakdown and became almost non-functional--i could do laundry, vacuum, and fix simple meals. I'm sure he was a little disappointed in me, too, just like I was in him. I had gotten pregnant again and we moved into a new home when our baby was 6 weeks old. We lived in that stake and ward for 18 years. We got along well at times, we fought a lot at times--but he never swore at me or threw things or hit me---he was just a yeller. A big issue has always been that i want to talk about things and he doesn't---i also did not develop an identity of my own---at least not enough of one---I depended too much on him to make me feel good about myself--and also on my sister, who was helpful and filled in for the things a mother would usually do because my mother worked, but she was also the kind of person who intimidated people and only saw her way as the right way. I was only just about to turn 25 when my hubby and I married--i had grown up insecure, been in one bad marriage and was probably overly idealistic about how a marriage was supposed to be. DRPepper--you seem to be a pretty insightful person, and you seem to be able to read between the lines pretty well---are you able to see what I am starting to see about myself as i write this? I used to never stand up for myself. My husband used to try and tell me what I could or couldn't do. I started to learn to speak up to him and tell him I could take a drive in the car when I needed to get away from him if I wanted to. (just an example) He sheepishly admitted that he was wrong to tell me I couldn't. He used to tell me that he liked it when I stood up for myself----but, I think somewhere along the way I could have possibly gotten carried away with what i expected from him. I also think that the fact that i had anxiety and depression makes me more sensitive than a lot of other people. I had the anxiety problems when i was in grade school and leaned towards depression in Jr and SR high school---so our relationship problems didn't cause them--but they brought them back out. I honestly believe that my husband has also had depression off and on over the years--i could see it with his dissatisfaction in his work and wanting to change jobs---i don't think he recognized it for what it was. I also discovered along the way that he was dealing with some personal issues that I don't want to go into---but he was keeping these things from me---and I am sure they had to be detrimental to our relationship. If you really want to know, I will PM you, only because something about you instills some trust---I feel like you could look at a situation for what it is without making an inappropriate snap judgement--I feel like I can trust your advice. By the way--the personal issues have been conquered, now---but they were there for a lot of years. what is your definition of "rough around the edges" And what do you consider verbal abuse. I read a church article about verbal abuse and was kind of surprised at the examples they used for verbal abuse---a few of them were so mild that i would have thought they were a little insensitive, but i never would have called them abusive. According to the examples I read, I think everyone of us would be considered verbally abusive. I have been yelled at a lot over the years, but i suppose I could have been a little more assertive in standing up for myself and saying I would not tolerate it. i could also be a little more sensitive to how he is feeling before i approach him with problems. He could also realize that sometimes he has to deal with things whether or not it is convenient---I have to deal with problems whenever they come up--I don't get to wait until everything is perfect. 12 years ago, I felt like i had a fantastic marriage---and no, everything was not perfect and my husband still yelled at me sometimes. I really pushed to find a bigger house because we have such a large family and they are really spread out in ages--i could see us having married kids come home while we still had kids in school. We ended up buying my mother's house a year after my step-father died. I was uneasy about it the whole time we were trying to sell our house--this is about the time my husband started swearing at me and throwing things. I was also falling into a depression--we had been through a lot of problems for a number of years----I think we were both strung out. I think my pushing a move that I was uneasy about was the biggest mistake i could have made. I have never been able to pull out of the depression i went into and our marriage has been a battle ground with my husband shouting obscenities at me and throwing things. I have some genuine health issues--and i have dwelt on them too much--which he hates--but I guess that is how I have handled my depression. I don't think him being abusive could have caused all of my health problems--but I'm sure it has worsened them considerably. You are right--i have lost the ability to pull myself out of the situation I am in. Thank you for recognizing that I want out of the situation--not out of my marriage (even though sometimes i think i do!) I think my husband will always be a little rough around the edges---i seemed to always be drawn to those kind of men---never liked the boys that were too "nice". My husband has been verbally abusive---but i don't know that he always will be, he may, however, be somewhat insensitive to certain things--I guess i will have to decide how I will deal with that--I'm not leaving my marriage---I'm not well enough to take care of myself and my children--but more than that, I still believe in him and i still love him--i just don't love a lot of the things he does. I know I am entitled to inspiration for myself, but i don't think i am capable of receiving it right now because i am lacking the spirit---so i DO need some help from my leaders. I do need help with self esteem. I have never understood how the atonement comes in to play with that---and no one has ever been able to explain it to me. I've been able to do a little soul-searching as i have replied to your post--it is good for me to see what part i play in my marital problems. If I can learn to approach my husband at the right time, he is much more receptive to what i have to say. He keeps telling me I need to be patient with him while he is dealing with his issues. I finally told him that I also needed some patience while I was dealing with issues. He was very cheerful during sacrament meeting and gave me a little hug--when i pointed out that he was so cheerful--he reminded me what i had asked him for----a minor success!!!! Please, if you don't mind, keep the comments and questions coming--this is helping me,

I can see that i am a bit confusing when i write--i guess it is because trying to condense a lifetime into a few paragraphs is pretty hard. I'll start with growing up--my step-father was not verbally or physically abusive---he was sexually abusive---but it was covert sexual abuse---but it didn't start until we were older and had figures--he wasn't a pedophile. I come from a combined family of 11 girls and 2 boys. I complained quite often to my mother that I did not like the way my step-father touched me. i didn't like the way he looked at me, and he always talked about very sexual things----i really didn't need to hear from him how my sister's breasts were as tight as melons after she had her baby. I didn't like being kissed on the neck and ears while I was trying to practice my piano. He once said something to me that made me feel so violated---with only words--that when I finally told someone, I couldn't even look them in the face when i repeated it. When my first marriage ended--i had to move back home--I was there for 3 years, so i think I got more of it than my other sisters---i was just the only one who spoke out. My mother told me I had better get used to it because it didn't bother anyone else. However, when he wasn't making sexual remarks or touching me in ways that made me uncomfortable----I enjoyed his company very much. I was the only one who was interested in the cattle he kept and i went with him to do watering--we had some great conversations--wish he could have been like that all the time. however after I remarried--he would come over to my house when my husband was gone--my hubby hated coming home for lunch and finding my step-father there. I would complain, things would come to a blow up--then they would calm down--nothing would happen for awhile---then slowly they would start up again. I had more than one counselor tell me that they thought I had been abused and forgotten it---i did not believe that i could forget something like that. I told one of the counselors about the things my step-father did--and he looked at me and told me that what I was telling him was sexual abuse---i had just thought it was sexual harassment. eventually my sisters spoke up and said he had done and said similar things to them------where were they all the years i could have used some backing up so my mother would have believed me? No matter anymore, i have learned to forgive him after he passed away--actually i would forgive him all the time and just hope he wouldn't do or say anything again--but he always did. He brought a lot of good things into our lives, not just bad. I choose to try to remember the good things, but occasionally some of the bad will come up. i also came to realize that his sexual problems did not make up his entire being--it wasn't the only thing he was. He was a hard worker, a fantastic gospel Doctrine teacher, a riot to watch a funny TV show with, and a very generous person---but he had a problem that he needed help for and never got. I truly did love the man---if I didn't, it would have been easier to deal with the problems. I just wanted him to be a father.

sustain means to strengthen or support physically or mentally---i could do either one of those things for someone who came to me and needed it---even if I didn't like them---and I don't dislike any of my leaders---I just have some negative feelings towards them about certain things--not about everything. I also think I would be willing to do what they ask if it is reasonable and i am physically and mentally able. I had a stake president tell me years ago that I had an overly developed sense of guilt. I guess i feel like i should never have negative feelings about my leaders or somehow it makes me a bad person.

somehow I haven't been able to make myself very clear, I guess. I need to clarify that all 25 years of my marriage have not been bad--there have been some very good times during those 25 years. My husband has been, and probably always will be, a little rough around the edges---i can live with that. (I can live with it a lot better when I am not fighting depression) I never said ANYTHING about wanting a letter from the First Presidency--I don't know where that idea came from. I quoted a letter that the first presidency sent out to all bishoprics to read to their wards letting them know they do not want phone calls or letters written to them because our local leaders, by nature of their calling, are entitled to inspiration to know how to counsel us. I choose to believe the prophets and apostles--so i assumed that if i asked for help, I would be given help---either from my leaders or help with counseling since our insurance does not cover it and we cannot afford it. My husband has often said he would not go to counseling--but he has also gone to counseling with me more than once when it was available---DRPepper--you said exactly how i feel--3 sessions and being sent home with a book just doesn't cut it---even my stake president, when I told him about it, said it had not been handled right. My frustration has been that I kept asking for help-----and it was falling on deaf ears. The church speaks out very strongly about abuse and says that the church has resources available. i just cannot understand why it took 5 years to get anyone to listen to me. i also can't understand why ME asking for help wasn't enough---why did it take several of my children contacting the stake president to get him to give us any help? We have been meeting with the stake president monthly now for several months. We each talk to him separately, but on the same day. He had asked me early on what I wanted from him since he was just a carpenter--and another time he asked me who i wanted help from--my farmer bishop or my carpenter stake president. I called him on the carpenter thing and reminded him that he was entitled to inspiration to know how to help me---i really didn't know what kind of help we needed. The last time i talked with him, he told me that he had received some inspiration for me----it had to do with what my life has been like---his understanding of my life was right on target---and he had something he wanted me to do---and i have been working on it. He also gives my husband things to work on, although i don't know what they are. Being fairly new as our stake president, i assume he is somewhat inexperienced---the only way we learn experience is by trying to help and seeking inspiration---maybe me reminding him that he was entitled to inspiration helped him to remember to seek it. I do not have a feeling of entitlement towards the church---but i do believe that if the apostles and prophets say there is help that they mean it----I just don't understand why help has not been available or at least why it has taken 5 years to get some help. After talking a little more about my stake president----I am suddenly realizing that I am receiving some help---probably my disappointment over it taking so long has made me a little (a lot?) jaded. It has been difficult to move from a stake and ward where help was easily found and readily given to a stake where they don't seem to know how to help--and i do think this stake has a problem---I went for help years ago with an abusive step-father--and never got help---fortunately I married shortly after and moved---but when i came back 20 years later---the stake still does not seem to know how to deal with abuse issues very well. The tithe paying thing came about because of some misconceptions from what i learned growing up. i always thought that if you payed your tithing that it meant you would be able to get by----(assuming you are not putting yourself into a lot of unnecessary debt) We had had so many medical problems and had more bills than we could pay. i had questioned my bishop as to why we couldn't get by when we were paying a full tithe. He told me that it did not mean what i thought, but that it meant that I had the right to ask the church for help. It had nothing to do with my present circumstance when i was told that information. I am glad to know that being a full tithe payer is not a requirement to receive assistance---I'm sure there are people who struggle with paying it that still need help. My husband lost his job shortly after we bought our house in this new stake---our first bishop had no problem giving us assistance with food until we got back on our feet--but then my husband was injured on the job and had to have surgery. He could not work for 7 months while his knee healed, because of the nature of the work he does. He did get workman's comp--but it was not enough to cover our bills and our food-----He felt like he pretty much got the third degree from our present bishop before he was willing to give us any help with food. I guarantee you, I absolutely HATE having to get help from the bishops storehouse---we wouldn't ask if we didn't need it. It has always humiliated me to have to go there. My husband took out his ACL twice in the past and could not work for a number of months---the first time i had to go to the bishop's storehouse---i left in tears---I was already humiliated and I had an onery old lady helping me. Unless you have ever really been struggling, you have no idea how difficult and humiliating it is to have to ask for help for ANYTHING, be it food, counseling or bills. It hurts to have someone assume I feel entitled. i am extremely grateful to the people on this thread who are sensitive to the fact that I am hurting emotionally and spiritually and choose to speak kind words to me rather than assume things because I have a hard time explaining my circumstances. I hope when i am on better footing that I will be able to reach out to someone else in need the same way you have reached out to me with kindness and understanding. I think this ended up really long--but it helped me work out a few things in my own mind.

I learned an interesting thing from one of my bishops concerning this very thing--although I was not considering leaving my husband (at least not seriously), we were having a lot of struggles and needed some help. My husband was not treating me the best and wasn't exactly the kind of priesthood leader in our home that would inspire our family to live right--but I knew what he was capable of and i loved him. My bishop told me that when I was sealed in the temple, I was given the promise that my hubby and I would be together, and as long as i tried to live my life the best I could--and i know the atonement takes care of our imperfections if we repent, anyway, my bishop told me that the Lord would keep his promise to me, and that my husband and i would be together--he said that my husband would have to pay for his mistakes, but we would be together---and without the strife. After he told me this, I remembered a scripture from the bible that talks about a believing spouse staying with an unbelieving spouse if they chose to because we don't know that the believer might not sanctify the unbeliever---or something to that effect. so----I guess going inactive would have to not be a deal breaker for me--although I worry that at my present time and state of mind that i am not strong enough to do what I need to on my own---and it makes me really disappointed in myself.

acommonman--thank you for understanding what I have been trying to say----i am not a person who feels 'entitled" -----I have just read what the apostles and prophets have said--and they say that there is help available--but for some reason, I haven't been able to find it in my ward or stake------I almost feel desperate to move back to my old ward and stake--especially since the stake president in the other stake, who was our old bishop, OFFERED to help me when I couldn't get anyone's attention after 5 years in this stake. If I could figure out how to sell my house I would move in a heartbeat.

skippy---you sound like an extremely insensitive person--and you say the kind of things that would drive a wounded heart away from the church. You know very little about me, nor very little about what our family has dealt with that has brought us to this point. It's pretty hard to put on paper what is really in my heart and mind. How dare you assume that i am a person that feels "entitled"---My bishop was the one who told me that I had the right to ask the church for help if I was a full tithe payer---i had always thought being a full tithe payer meant that we would be able to get by and take care of ourselves---and we have done without a lot of things that other people have because we had a lot of children, and I chose to be a stay-at-home mom so i could be available for my children. My husband would probably tell you I spend less money than anyone he knows. I have read all the articles i could find about abuse and I have chosen to believe the prophets and apostles when they say that there is help available and that our local leaders are entitled to inspiration to know how to counsel us---maybe you have never had to deal with this type of thing--or maybe you have never read how strongly the church speaks out about abuse. Since i could easily find the articles and since i choose to believe that the church is true, I expect that my leaders would have access to the same information. I'm not blaming someone else for our problems--but i do blame them for ignoring me for 5 years when i repeatedly asked for help. I truly hope that i never say anything as unkind and insensitive to anyone as you have said to me!!!!

I'm concerned about time to renew my temple recommend coming up in February. My concern is whether or not i really support my local leaders. In the past, I had worried about this same thing because i was so mad that my son was not allowed to take seminary because he could not be there every time--he had had some problems and needed to be in early morning seminary--but it conflicted with his drama class for a little while because they had early morning practice. I didn't care if he couldn't graduate from missing too many classes---I just wanted him there when he could be. our stake president was the seminary president. I was so angry at him!!! I finally was able to separate him as seminary president from him as stake president. I had a good talk with him and told him i owed him an apology---he had no idea what I was talking about! I still think he was wrong about not letting my son be in seminary whenever he could---but I realized that was not the stke president talking--it was the seminary president talking. My problem now is a little more difficult. My hubby and I have been struggling--oit took a long time to get help. My bishop has been good aboput visiting with me on a fairly regular basis---but my husband has some negative feelings---and I can understand why he does because of what I have heard the bishop say---I'm not sure if that means I don't support him. My husband was released from a calling immediately after there had been a problem (scouts) They said it had nothing to do with the problem, but my husband broke down---rare for him--and has struggled with wanting to go to church since--he still thinks he was released because of the problem. I have a problem with one of the counselors--after my husband was released, they tried to get him to teach a Sunday school class--he would not give an answer--said all he had done since we moved in was taught--the counselor told him that if he didn't take that job---the only thing left was the nursery---my husband told him to put him in the nursery. Of course the counselor wasn't serious---either he was trying to pressure my husband, or he was trying to be funny, thinking my husband would hate the nursery. My husband asked me if I would be willing to team teach with him---since I had been wanting to be able to go to sunday school with him, I was willing to do it---I asked if he would make me teach all the time--he assured me he would do his part---he is a better teacher than me, anyway. The following sunday the same counselor had my husband in the clerks office, with the clerk in there and the hall door open while he was asking my husband if he would take the job---I walked past the open door and overheard the counselor asking my husband if I was willing to teach with him-----I quickly walked away figuring it wasn't my business to overhear. No decision had been made when my husband was finished talking to the counselor. My husband was never called back to see if he would take the job or told whether or not I could team teach with him or told that they were no longer extending the call to him. A few weeks later another couple was sustained to team teach the sunday school class they had asked my husband to teach--and he had asked if i could team teach with him!!?? When I heard about the new sunday school program--I was really excited about it--and wished I could be a part of it. Our son is in that sunday school class. I play the piano in relief society--but I was willing to have two jobs if it meant keeping my husband at church and letting us be together for sunday school. I later asked the bishop why they wouldn't let my hubby and I teach together--he said he would have to ask the counselor. When i asked the bishop again--he said there had been the concern that my husband would make me do everything---no one ever asked me how I felt about it. Also, I thought all callings had to go through the bishop--and he knew how badly I wanted to go to sunday school with my husband------am I misunderstanding how callings work? I complained to the bishop about the way the counselor had handled things both times he spoke with my husband--i know we don't intimidate people or make jokes about the nursery to get them to do a job---i also know all callings are to be done privately. The bishop at first said it wasn't appropriate--but later he seemed to make excuses for the counselor saying he just didn't think about the fact that the clerk was in the room (what about the door to the hall open?) My husband tells me that the counselor treats him differently now--he used to be more friendly---and he blames it on me for telling the bishop what the counselor did. I see it as a lost opportunity for my husband and I to work together and study church lessons and scriptures together and to be in sunday school together. I have some negative feelings here and don't know how to get rid of them. I am afraid this will make me unworthy for a recommend. How do i get over this---especially since my husband doesn't go to church with us anymore--he showes up during sunday school and cleans the chapel, then we sit by the door and he leaves as fast as he can. Any advice?

I haven't noticed that culture you are speaking about in the area where I live--but I am dealing with a situation that is similar--my husband is semi-active, and hasn't treated me the best all the time--but there have also been good times---I am not ready to give up on him----but I am disappointed with what seems like a lack of concern that my husband no longer comes to church with us, shows up during sunday school and cleans the chapel---then we sit next to the door for sacrament meeting---and he is the first one out the door when church is over. I listened to one of the counselors in the bishopric on Sunday say that people need fellowship, something to do, and to be taught the gospel. I couldn't resist raising my hand and saying that if only one of those things is emphasized and not all three--we are going to lose them anyway. My husband is dealing with some issues in his life right now that are difficult. Moving into our ward was difficult---he used to say that he wanted to make sure that no one felt like we did when we first moved in---so he went out of his way to introduce himself to new people. I feel really bad that hardly anyone seems to care that he is only attending sacrament meeting and won't accept a calling.