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Showing results for tags 'self-loathing'.
I'm sorry if I have wrong grammars and marks on my post...I am really trying to go to sleep tonight as fast as I can....It's already 1:28 A.M. I know this is a forum for spiritual discussions and such...but I really want to type this because I have no other place to go to for advice. It's been a long journey to finding the love of my life. I'm 26, Male, college graduate (BYU)...I never ever had a real girlfriend...like a real relationship that's focused on love, understanding and all the good things that the LDS church talks about....eternal companion. When I was in high school, I was pretty much the most introverted kid. I didn't have much friends...I was the only boy in the family...I have 3 younger sisters...It was really hard. I really wished I had a brother. Growing up...we never really got along as teenagers in the family. My sisters are not that far apart in age. I was the most wayward/awkward kid. My family is all LDS, we were raised in an LDS upbringing. However, I had my rebellious days...because my father and mother were too strict that it really drove me crazy into revolt. It was almost obsessive of them to always demand things on us...like A+ grades, they expected too much of me, and never really gave me Affection for my achievements. I never heard "son, I'm really proud of you". I know it's really BETA for someone to want some affection....but we all need affection from our parents and others...we all need love...I never got that from them....they were basically "providers". They put food on the table, clothing, shelter, bought me a guitar, etc...etc... whatever I needed, wanted...I got it. The only thing missing was..affection...like my mom and dad would come home from work...and basically bail out on me and go to sleep after work or they'd go on a date...etc...like something was really missing....MAYBE a hug...:( I know it's really stupid to say that but that's really how I felt. I got bullied in school...so many times. I'd come home angry and wanting revenge from these bullies...I couldn't do anything. I really felt abandoned EMOTIONALLY when I was a kid. I was molested (at 11 yrs old) by my own cousin...I didn't know what it was till I realized and learned about sexual abuse in elementary school....I never reported it. I didn't know what to feel about it....until one day....I realized that it was really wrong what He had done to me!.............. My parents had a busy busy busy life of WORK...and never really got the time to give affection towards me.....I've read about this in Psychology...and it is true in my case...it causes a lot of self-esteem in most normal kids today...I stayed home (didn't have much friends), played my guitar, drew, played computer/videogames.... most of my days spent were inside....my parents barely allowed me to go outside. I attended swimming school and competed for the sake of it just to get away from the house...and I guess I seeked/sought approval by winning swimming matches...that was the only way I felt loved....winning. Now, when I was in BYU (college), I had the chance to be around people, classmates, away from parents...etc...this was really different in high school...because we had school dances every Tuesday and Thursday and sometimes Saturday...in which I religiously almost attended...I built my dancing skills through these classes and events. While dancing, I also had many chances in talking to women....There were so many awkward conversations...but I built my social skills through that...but when I'm not dancing....It's still hard for me to talk to people. I really tried my best to be "out there". Sometimes, after classes, I would wander around the cafeteria just to strike up a conversation. I didn't hold a job while in college because I took my parent's advice to just focus on school instead of having a job. I should've because I know that would have increased my social skills (if I worked as a cashier or anything that involved social interaction). I deeply regret not having a job while in college. It took me shorter to get my Bachelor's degree, only 3 years instead of 4 because I took more classes since not having a job has perks. So, this habit of mine, dancing, talking to women in events, striking up a random conversation, built up my social skills to the point that I thought I was really good at talking. I worked out and kept a routine, I worked hard on my grades! I practiced approaching women that I thought were attractive while in college. Most of the time, I would get rejected I know I can carry a conversation gracefully....Most of the time, they would have a boyfriend, married, refused me, and even GHOST me...that means they'd give me their numbers and never text me or call me back This really affected me because I would feel so hopeful to come home with a number from a girl..only to find out that she wouldn't even text me back!!! Now, I know I sound desperate but my approach count was about 212 women...in the campus...and I only got about 7 dates...and none of them turned to a relationship. I never had a girlfriend All I really want is this...Love, someone to love....Why is that so much to ask? I asked Heavenly Father for it and never really got anything... I would see couples, boyfriend and girlfriends in the hallway and I'd feel soooo bad about myself...wishing I had someone. Even on facebook, my BYU friends...news and updates would keep spreading from posts...that someone got married, have a boyfriend and girlfriend..and it makes me feel un-worthy, not good enough. I have a forearm tattoo...because I was being stupid and rebellious against my parents...I also got it because I had self harm scars from depression. Now that I have graduated from BYU, looking back at these memories..., It makes me really sad. I never really got I what I wanted and needed! Is it so hard to find a girlfriend? PEOPLE always say the right time will come...but I don't believe it anymore! I am really asking Him for this... It's affecting my self-esteem... Am I too ugly? Did God make me ugly? Did God give me a curse? Am I not attractive? Am I too short (I'm only 5"5, 5"6 with shoes on) I have abs, big muscles, big arms, ripped legs, good skin, etc etc...(humble brag) I have so much going on for me:( I really don't know why... Am I not good enough? but I just wanna feel loved, because my parents couldn't give it to me (emotionally) I try to stay close to Heavenly Father I kept asking Him for the same things over and over again...I'm pretty sure he's annoyed. I self-loath when I wake up every morning...hating myself... Wishing I had somebody else's face (a more handsome one?) Am I unlovable? Sometimes I think of not being born with this face, because I have such low self-esteem... I really don't know what to do... I keep thinking about plastic surgery.. maybe that will help:( Could someone help me through this? I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending spiral! I don't know where else to go to...I've seen many counselors....I don't know anymore...