What to do?

[tooelegirl]

I have a daughter who is 17 years old who has been "dating" her boyfriend for almost a year now. We have been careful about how much time they spend together and where they are and who they are with. They always have to be with other people when they do go out on an official date. Even our Bishop assured us that he was not concerned with them dating. Well, last night we found out that she and her boyfriend have been doing things that are leading them to a "home run". We went and talked to the Bishop, and things are going as good as can be expected. Her boyfriend's parents don't know yet because he is at scout camp right now, so her boyfriend doesn't know that she has already talked to the Bishop. I know that it will be awkward for both of them and for us because we are in the same Ward. My question is what do we do now? Do we invite the parents over and all of us sit down and talk about what has happened, or do we just act as if nothing has happened and just keep being friends? We as their parents get along fairly well, but what do we do? Is there a standard procedure for something like this? I have never been in this situation before, and really never thought that I would be. It's really kinda scary and devastating.

[Kirajo]

OKAY so...I was a teenager not long ago..as in im only 20 years old right now haha! If my parents sat us all down and had some kind of serious talk with us I would be mortified, but it would be very effective. I'd know that I wasn't going to get away with anything and that everyone was going to be watching me so I'd probably be emberassed and angry and who knows what else but I sure as heck wouldn't make a wrong move with everyone watching :). I have now been married almost 2 years and have a daughter of my own and I hope I never have to deal with the situation you're in. Good luck!!!

[LegendadryPerc]

Wow, I don't know if there is a standard proceedure or not. I would also feel more comfortable if I were in your shoes, if there was a standard proceedure... Not knowing of one, or simply going by my gut, I think it would be akward and a lot of unspoken issues would remain unadressed, if you didn't talk to them. I think it is right and very respectful of you to wait for the boy to get home and tell his parents himself. But it is not just their business anymore. It directly involves you. Talk to them. I would be carefull to simply get it all out in the open, adress it, etc., not acuse or make demands on them on how they should change, etc. Just a freindly, welcome to my life because you are now involved in it, approach. Good luck. Hopefully somebody who knows more can help you out.

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

I have a daughter who is 17 years old who has been "dating" her boyfriend for almost a year now. We have been careful about how much time they spend together and where they are and who they are with. They always have to be with other people when they do go out on an official date. Even our Bishop assured us that he was not concerned with them dating. Well, last night we found out that she and her boyfriend have been doing things that are leading them to a "home run". We went and talked to the Bishop, and things are going as good as can be expected. Her boyfriend's parents don't know yet because he is at scout camp right now, so her boyfriend doesn't know that she has already talked to the Bishop. I know that it will be awkward for both of them and for us because we are in the same Ward. My question is what do we do now? Do we invite the parents over and all of us sit down and talk about what has happened, or do we just act as if nothing has happened and just keep being friends? We as their parents get along fairly well, but what do we do? Is there a standard procedure for something like this? I have never been in this situation before, and really never thought that I would be. It's really kinda scary and devastating.

Well I don't know what your definition of "home run" is, but to avoid ambiguity I'm just going to speak plainly. I'm not trying to offend anyone.

If they have not had sex yet, then you're over-reacting and being an overprotective parent. If you've monitored their relationship as closely as you seem to imply, you're definitely being way too involved and controlling. As good as your intentions are, there's such a thing as trying too hard - and with teenagers it can backfire horribly, especially as they move into adulthood.

My suggestion would be, if they have not had sex, to sit down with your daughter alone and talk with her about how you feel, what your fears are and what your concerns are. Then I would suggest that you mete out some of her leash, extend to her some trust, and give her the opportunity to "choose the right" on her own. I remember at 17, knowing that my parents trusted me was a huge priority for me. True meaningful communication and trust are essential to any good relationship.

If they have had sex, then his parents definitely need to be aware of it. Invite everyone - your daughter, her boyfriend, his parents - to sit down with the bishop and discuss things. It'll be horribly intimidating and embarrassing, but as kirajo said, probably effective. Once the group discussion is over, give your daughter and her boyfriend a chance to speak with the bishop by themselves. And then follow your bishop's advice about continuuing further.

That's my advice, not that I have any experience as a parent from which to draw, but I know as a teenager that's how I would have liked to be dealt with. I've also heard that being strict, firm, and forceful can be effective, which I'm sure is true, but I never was a fan of the heavy-handed approach.

[Kirajo]

Well now the problem is,..how do we all define " sex"???

[puf_the_majic_dragon]

Well now the problem is,..how do we all define " sex"???

I *think* I'm being made fun of.. but I'm not sure! If you want I can break out a dictionary but I don't think that's necessary.

The impression I have is that we have a 17 year old girl being a 17 year old girl - kissing, perhaps making out with, a boyfriend she's been dating for almost a year (a record for most 17 year olds). If it's worse than that then my bad, ignore everything I've said. Otherwise, I stand by my previously stated advice with Webster's in my hand :)

[Hemidakota]

I have a daughter who is 17 years old who has been "dating" her boyfriend for almost a year now. We have been careful about how much time they spend together and where they are and who they are with. They always have to be with other people when they do go out on an official date. Even our Bishop assured us that he was not concerned with them dating. Well, last night we found out that she and her boyfriend have been doing things that are leading them to a "home run". We went and talked to the Bishop, and things are going as good as can be expected. Her boyfriend's parents don't know yet because he is at scout camp right now, so her boyfriend doesn't know that she has already talked to the Bishop. I know that it will be awkward for both of them and for us because we are in the same Ward. My question is what do we do now? Do we invite the parents over and all of us sit down and talk about what has happened, or do we just act as if nothing has happened and just keep being friends? We as their parents get along fairly well, but what do we do? Is there a standard procedure for something like this? I have never been in this situation before, and really never thought that I would be. It's really kinda scary and devastating.

"You only date to mate"....this is advice that I give to my own children. They truly recognized what I am referring too. And Yes! I do suspect there is now petty, if not more than being revealed here; and, I am surprised at the Bishop [spiritual Discernment] since there is no need for your daughter to be dating but to enjoy life to the fullest. Having fun by going to the movies or with other group type outings should be her path for now. I do suspect she is still in High School and needs to be more focus on her education and not on boys. Vice versa for the boyfriend. He needs to plan for a mission vice worry about dating at this time.

My advice is to confide with her and the Bishop, with your personal feelings to allow them both know on where you stand. Remember, your built-in motherly instincts are there for a reason.

Now, at this point, you need to build a close-friendship with your daughter that she can entrust you with her feelings and seek your guidance. I suspect she maybe at first hesittate in such but overtime, they will cling to you as my daughters due now.

Here are couple of tidbits from President Howard W. Hunter in regards to "Counsel for Youth"...

The Lord has provided wise counsel for youth. Let us grow up the way the Lord planned it.

He provided four stages: Infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. It was not his plan that we should skip any of them. But we do skip adolescence when we date and marry too young.

Lord gave us parents to help us through at least three of those stages—in infancy to care for our babyhood needs; in childhood to provide us with direction, food, clothing, and a home; in adolescence to counsel us and prepare us for adulthood.

Lord is all-wise. It was he who gave us parents. It was he who made them our guardians. He is our parent himself—our Father in Heaven. Should we pit our wisdom against his? Then let us fit into his plan of salvation:

His way of life provides for happy home life, for loving care from parents, for a willingness on the part of young people to be taught, and for a partnership of parent and child leading to the eventual success of the child.

So let us delay any dating until our mid-teens. Let us avoid serious dating before twenty. Let every boy go on a mission. Let every girl encourage boyfriends to fill missions and not prevent it by early marriage or sin.

Let every boy and every girl plan for a temple marriage.

Plan for a good education. Plan for the abundant life. Crowding too much adulthood into a teenager's life can only impoverish him. (62-02)....

Youth, confide in your parents. Your parents know that the friends you choose play a great part in your development as you grow up, and for that reason have an interest in your dating. They want you to be happy. They love you and want you to be successful and have the good things of life. Your parents will understand you, and you will better understand your parents when you can confide in them and talk things over. Young people sometimes feel they are not understood by their parents. This can often be overcome by the boy or girl trying to understand the parents' viewpoint. When young people learn that it is fun to share their experiences with their parents, they will find that their parents will understand them, and this will help solve dating problems. (60-02, p. 3) [Teachings of Howard W. Hunter

[Silver Girl]

I *think* I'm being made fun of.. but I'm not sure! If you want I can break out a dictionary but I don't think that's necessary.

The impression I have is that we have a 17 year old girl being a 17 year old girl - kissing, perhaps making out with, a boyfriend she's been dating for almost a year (a record for most 17 year olds). If it's worse than that then my bad, ignore everything I've said. Otherwise, I stand by my previously stated advice with Webster's in my hand :)

I don't think you are being made fun of...

How do each of us define "sex"?? One person may say EVERYTHING short of actual intercourse (including oral sex) is not actually "sex".... Another person may say "heavy necking and petting" are ok, and oral sex is not...

I don't think the other poster was making fun of you, I think they were trying to get their mind wrapped around how one has to go to make a "home run"...

Just My .02

Silver Girl

[tooelegirl]

ok, I wasn't sure how blunt to be when describing what my daughter and her boyfriend were doing. They are not only kissing, french kissing, but fondling each other to the point of orgasm. Now, that seems pretty serious to me. I have never even seen them hold hands, so to find this out is very upsetting to me. I thought that they were being good kids, but they seem to have found ways to fool everyone. They always made sure that they were alone in a car. (I didn't know that they were ever alone) One time they were with his nephews, (the oldest being 8), then they would make up some excuse to take each other home, and then they would be alone. The last time, they were supposed to be home at 8:15, and didn't get home until 8:30, but left his house 45 minutes before that, and it only takes 15 minutes to get to my house. I never thought they would be doing things like that. Anyway, my original question, do we all sit down and talk about what has happened, and get things out in the open, or just act as if nothing has happened to avoid any further embarrassment?

[Hemidakota]

Talk to her...first take time to pray and ask for the Spirit to be present while engaging this subject.

[Truegrits]

or just act as if nothing has happened to avoid any further embarrassment?

IMO...that would be showing that you condoned/approved their actions. I would not ignore the situation if it were my daughter OR my son.

[Hemidakota]

President Spencer W. Kimball was quite against this practice when I was converted to the church. In his book, 'Miracle of Forgiveness' he spoke about this leading to fornication;

Steps to Fornication

Among the most common sexual sins our young people commit are necking and petting. Not only do these improper relations often lead to fornication, pregnancy, and abortions all ugly sins but in and of themselves they are pernicious evils, and it is often difficult for youth to distinguish where one ends and another begins. They awaken lust and stir evil thoughts and sex desires. They are but parts of the whole family of related sins and indiscretions. Paul wrote as if to modern young people who deceive themselves that their necking and petting are but expressions of love: "Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves." (Rom 1:24.) How could the evils of petting be more completely described?

Too often, young people dismiss their petting with a shrug of their shoulders as a little indiscretion, while admitting that fornication is a base transgression. Too many of them are shocked, or feign to be, when told that what they have done in the name of petting was in reality fornication. The dividing line is a thin, blurry one, and Paul probably referred to these sins ranging from petting to fornication when he said: "For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret." (Eph. 5:12.) And the Lord perhaps was referring to this evil when in our own time he was reiterating the Ten Commandments: "... Neither commit adultery, nor kill, nor do anything like unto it." (D&C 59:6.)

Our young people should know that their partners in sin will not love or respect them if they have freedom in fondling their bodies. Such a practice destroys respect, not only for the other person but for self. It destroys the ultimate respect for virtue. And it ignores the oft-repeated prophetic warning that one should give his or her life rather than to yield to loss of virtue.

Too many have lost themselves completely in sin through this doorway of necking and petting. The devil knows how to destroy our young girls and boys. He may not be able to tempt a person to murder or to commit adultery immediately, but he knows that if he can get a boy and a girl to sit in the car late enough after the dance, or to park long enough in the dark at the end of the lane, the best boy and the best girl will finally succumb and fall. He knows that all have a limit to their resistance.

Those who have received the Holy Ghost after baptism certainly know that all bodily contacts of this kind are pernicious and abominable. They recognize too that the God of yesterday, today, and tomorrow continues to demand continence and to require that people come to the marriage altar as virgins, clean and free from sex experience.

Almost like twins, "petting" and especially "heavy petting" and fornication are alike. Also like twins, the one precedes the other, but most of the same characteristics are there. The same passions are aroused and, with but slight difference, similar bodily contacts are made. And from it are likely to come the same frustrations, sorrows, anguish, and remorse.

All those who have slipped into the disgraceful and most reprehensible habit of transgressing through petting should immediately change their lives, their habits, and their thought patterns, repent sorely in "sackcloth and ashes," and by confession get so far as possible a clearance from the Lord and the leaders of his Church so that a measure of peace may accompany them through their lives. To those who have been properly taught and who have properly appraised the evils and have restrained and protected themselves from these foul acts, God bless them and help them to continue their virginity and cleanness, that they may never have the remorse and anguish which has or will come to their brothers and sisters who have indulged.

[Aphrodite]

I would talk to her alone, Mother to daughter. Getting all these people involved for a 'crisis meeting' i think, is not a good idea. Your daughter will feel like you've betrayed her trust. Its upto her boyfriends parents what they do, I would deal with it within your own family, preferably just the two of you. She is 17, and getting to the point where its upto her what decisions she makes in life. Hard as it may be, you have to accept them. xx

[mormoncutter]

Ok, I think that talking to her first would be a good thing, mabey the two of you could meet with your bishop and have him counle with you about talking to the boya parents and mabey he could help you with what to say as well.

[Guest Alana]

I have a small daughter... I think I need to drive to that state where you can give away your kids. Girls scare me, and I am one. Well, I was a little while ago. I was a wayward teenager. I waited until I moved out of the house though. Which means I was only one year older. She's 17 which means, really, she is her own person, capable of making very grown up decisions and in less than a year, those are official grown up decisions. You having found out about this shows a LOT of trust and love from your daughter. It isn't always so easy to hide things from our parents but it is easy to just not say anything at all, even the obvious. So for you to find out about this when you had no inkling shows that she's been struggling with this. I only see two things you can do. The first is talk to her. IF this is a group talk, just you, just you and yours spouse, etc is up to you. But let her lovingly know again what is right and not and why. Ask her if she is saying her prayers daily (that was my first step towards going inactive.) Make sure you pray for her. Second thing you can do is make sure that any contact with her boyfriend is appropriate. You were doing this, and they found a way around it. Short of house arrest (and sometimes not even that) you can't control her and every situation. Eventually, even if not with this guy, there will be the opportunity for her to be alone with a guy. It's her job to make sure she steps away from those situations. It's her job to make sure she doesn't go too far. Other than talking to her and the things you've done, there's nothing you can do, it's her choice. Since they've gone this far, it will be fairly impossible for them to keep things appropriate if they are alone. If they are together it will be hard, though not impossible, to not be alone. Help her not be alone with him. Be loving and supportive. If she is anything like me (oh, I hope not) punishing her will make her resentful and feel like 'she can do what she wants.'

I'm not sure I've said anything even remotely helpful. I guess you just need to be open and honest with her, make it as easy as possible to choose the right and not be alone with him, then allow yourself to not take responsibility for her agency.

[zookeeper]

Intervening is not punishment. Get involved and save your daughter! She is still a minor and needs her parents. With lots of prayer GET IN THERE! She may get angry/embarrassed/resentful... I think that is a sign of good/involved parents. I'm in the YW at church and see the desperate need for involved parents, who are scared of their kids being angry at them. Also, IMO, the boys parents should be told so they have the opportunity to help him. The youth need their parents!!!! GOOD LUCK!

[Guest SisterofJared]

I do think getting involved as a parent is important, but getting a big group meeting together would be a horrible violation of her privacy. For you to talk to her as parents, yes. For your bishop to talk to her as a spiritual leader, yes. But to have the boy and his parents there... absolutely NOT! That would be a HUGE violation. You deal with HER, she is your responsibility, and let the boy's parents deal with him. I would be inclined to discuss chastity with her, the value of chastity, what constitutes chastity and what does not, and also the repentence process. I would have the bishop discuss such things with her. Then also as a parent, I would discipline her for the violation of trust.... leaving the boyfriends house way early so as to create a time where they can pet, that is a flat out violation of rules and breaking of trust. A violation of rules means freedoms must be cut back... earlier curfew, grounding, whatever you use. She must be given opportunities to earn trust back, and until trust is earned and deserved, her freedoms should be curtailed somewhat.

All these things must be done lovingly but firmly. Don't overdo or you will lose effectivity, and don't underdo or you never gain effectivity. I would say choose discipline prayerfully.

Don't act as if the boy is dirt. He is probably a decent kid who has feelings he doesn't know how to control. If you act as if he is terrible, you will drive her towards him and away from you. Gentle love and yet firm discipline is called for.

Good luck!

Sister of Jared

[skylercollins]

All these things must be done lovingly but firmly. Don't overdo or you will lose effectivity, and don't underdo or you never gain effectivity. I would say choose discipline prayerfully.

Don't act as if the boy is dirt. He is probably a decent kid who has feelings he doesn't know how to control. If you act as if he is terrible, you will drive her towards him and away from you. Gentle love and yet firm discipline is called for.

Good luck!

Sister of Jared

I agree with this post. I definitely wouldn't have a group meeting. As for the boy, I agree you don't want to bring him down but she also needs to understand that if he truly cared for her and her beliefs, he wouldn't have taken her there or allowed it to get there. Then again, it could have been her pushing him, you just never know these days.

[RainofGold]

I just went through something like this with my 17 year old daughter. She was dating a 18 year old young man from our ward for about 4 months, he was my daughters first boyfriend.

We tried to follow dating rule number one, group dating. We thought that if they were with other kids it would make it a little harder for them to get into "trouble". They were alone very few times, did we trust our daughter to do the right thing? Definitely. Did we trust this 18 year old boy who holds the priesthood and is getting ready to go on a mission? Of course.

Are we naive that nothing is going to happen because they are both good kids? Of course not.

Temptation is always there, and even more for two young people who are trying to live a righteous life.

My daughter trusted in me and told me that she felt uncomfortable with him at times because he wanted to get more "physical" and she didn't. After I had a long talk with my daughter of what was the right thing to do I had a talk with this boy and told him what was expected of him, that he was to respect my daughter and respect our home. That their relationship should be more of a friendship and that by wanting to be physical he wasn't respecting my daughter or honoring his priesthood.

Well did he listen to me and do what was expected of him after this talk?

Not really, but I didn't have the same trust in him and they were always with someone around and never left alone. Not long after that my daughter broke up with him. She told him that he wasn't what she was looking for in a boy, that he made her feel bad about herself every time she was with him.

I am glad that it didn't get very far, and also that my daughter trusted me enough to tell me what was going on. I know that we can't protect our kids from everything and everyone. But I do think that they are still young enough and unexperienced enough that they need our help and guidance.

My advice is to wait and talk with both your daughter and her boyfriend and remind them what you expect from each of them. And that they should follow your rules as to not be alone and to always double date.

I would tell this boy that you are trusting him with your precious daughter, to treat her with respect.

I hope this helps, just remind your daughter that you love her no matter what and that you don't think any less of her and that you just want to help her and will always be there for her.

Rain