A Lonely Girl..

[Guest Lexish]

Hey everyone,

Let me start by saying I don't often post here. To be quite honest I had enough of online chatting and online friends when I was younger, so I have avoided it lately, it is just hard for me.

I probably suffer from depression. I attend BYU and am smart enough. The problem is that I hardly ever trust anyone. On and off for a few years I have "planned" to "become" anorexic. I don't want to die, I don't want to be in a hospital like some people I know. I just want to be happier, I want to be content with life the way it is.

I have a boyfriend on a mission, he has been gone 6 months. When I think of him and the future we could have I know that that is what I want. In the mean time, I don't feel like I can truly be friends with anyone else. I am not really sure what to do. During the week I am okay, but on weekends I get lonely and scared again.

After I post this I am going to email my old psychologist, like I said I would once I came to BYU, just to update him. Like an old friend. And after I post this I am going to read my scriptures until I simply cannot keep my eyes open any longer.

I know that we all have a friend and brother in Jesus, that God loves me. But sometimes that doesn't feel like such a comforting thing when my friend and brother and Heavenly Father are so silent.

[countrygirl66]

hi lexish

I think a maybe it is something that gets worse this time of year. I find myself much more easily depressed. I don't know it this will help, but here are a few things I do to help. Change my lightbulbs to something brighter, if I don't have good lighting this time of year it can really do me in, Go to the tanning salon once a week, the infusion of light all around you can help to releive some of the darkness that you can feel. Be around people, I can't always deal with friends because I'm not up to it, but you can go to a rest home, a senior center, etc. where there are a lot of people around that won't expect too much from you. The other thing I do is find a good book wrap up in blankets with my favorite drink and treat and waste a day just reading. You mentioned being anorexic to be happy. I have an ed and it doesn't ever make me happy. It just drains my happiness away when it is out of control. Be really careful. I know there are times that I think why am I not happy, I have to remember that some days are just that way and they will pass. If you can go to the temple grounds and just sit there and spend some time. There are times I have even fallen asleep in my car. When I hear the scriptures that talk of jesus and heavenly father as light it has it's own meaning for me. Light for me can do wonders. Sometime it feels like heavenly father is silent, but I have come to feel that in those times he is just quietly sitting with me helping me to get through. Take gentle care of yourself.

[heartbroken]

Hang in there, things have a way of working themselves out. Find a support system!!! Hope it all works out for you!!!!!!

[justme78]

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. I agree with countrygirl66 about this time of the year. There's just something about it that enhances loneliness.

I hope you don't mind my asking...but do you feel like you can't be friends with anyone else because you would be betraying your friendship with him while he is away, or do you feel it has more to do with an inability to make new friends?

If you feel like you would be betraying him, then use it as something that you can share with him while he is away :-) Letters, tapes, pictures (not too many of course...he does have work to do ;-) ). I guarantee that he would be SO much happier knowing that you are happy, and that you are doing well.

If it is due to feeling like you are not able to make new friends, I would suggest looking online for local groups regarding one of your interests. If you are *painfully* shy, it doesn't even have to be a group that you physically attend. There are SO many places online to go and unite with people with similar interests. For example...I *love* photography. I have an online group that I am a part of which does weekly challenges. This gives me some of those "dumb little things" to get excited about :-) It also gives you the chance to feel a sense of "belonging" even if you're not physically going out and "making new friends". Then eventually, who knows? You might decide that you could then venture out and find a local group to possibly stick your toes in to see if you feel comfortable with that.

As far as the anorexic thing...I can very much relate to that. I'm not sure what your motivation is, or where the connection is with anorexia and the guy on the mission...so I'll just give you my story. I have always been overweight. When I started college, I weighed 220 lbs (and I'm only 5'3). I modified a couple of things (stopped drinking any form of carbonation...that's really the only change with my diet)...and with the combination of walking to all of my classes (which I didn't have a choice of), I ended up losing 60 lbs my first year of college without even knowing. I always wore clothes that were too big for me and I didn't own a scale while I was away from home, so I honestly had no idea. I would come home for weekends, and people would always ask if I was losing...and I would say, "*blink* are you kidding me?!? I'm sure I'm not!). I finally checked when I got home for the summer and was shocked.

The next year, I felt the "need" to keep it going...but it had just stopped coming off. I didn't eat much as it was...so of course the only plan I could come up with was to stop eating. I lasted 3 days before I almost blacked out in the shower. I was "stupid" (smart) and told someone, and they forced me to eat a bowl of cereal while they watched. I felt ridiculous. That didn't stop me from attempting it here and there over the next few years...but I grew to learn that for some people, even that simply doesn't work.

If your motivation is to lose weight, I would be MORE than happy to walk you through some things that made a huge difference in my life. My poor little 12 year old niece has been teased about her weight so mercilessly (kids are SO cruel!) that she has asked me to help come up with a plan for her. Feel free to message me if you would like some information on what we're doing :-) We're not doing any of the fad stuff, just concentrating on what we *should* be eating rather than what we shouldn't. It's actually been a lot of fun :-)

If your motivation is more of a control issue (in a world where you may not have control of other things...I don't know), the above plan works well, also :-)

I'm sorry this was so long. I was going to allow you to reply before I gave my advice, but I figure you're not the only person in the world with these issues, and maybe what doesn't help you can help someone else :-)

Seriously, though. Feel free to message me (this goes for anyone) if you wanna chat about any of that stuff :-)

[fish4kitty]

I use to loath this time of year. This year is different. The colors of the trees are brighter. The days are sunnier. I missed all last fall due to a knee injury that required surgery and I was out of commission for quite awhile. Get outside and get some fresh air in your lungs and breath in Gods goodness. I wish you the best and hope you can clear your head and heart and see first hand that you definitely are not alone in this great big world. I work outside 365 days a year and love to just sit back just for a moment every day and soak it all in. Man life is good!!!!

[MrsHart]

Hi Lexish,

I'm sorry that you are going through a hard time. If you don't mind me asking, why do you think you are having a tough time making friends? Also, what makes you think that anorexia would make you happy? If your goal is to lose weight, trust me, a healthy diet and some form physical fitness is way better; not only will you lose weight, but you'll also get in shape at the same time.

[Wingnut]

I echo MrsHart's question...why do you think that anorexia would make you happier? (not meaning to sound sarcastic...sorry if it does...truly curious as to how you reach that conclusion)

I found (when I was single) that if I was looking for a relationship, or jonesing for a boyfriend, I just couldn't get a date. When I got to a point where I was happy being me, suddenly the guys came around. It was an ironic thing, but I finally figured out that they were attracted to my confidence and happy attitude. My point: you will be much happier in the long-term if you learn to be happy (or content, to use your word) on your own. This isn't to say that just because you're happy you shouldn't ever marry. It's to say that your happiness should be independent, not co-dependent.

Also, married people need friends, too. To some extent after you get married, much of your time will be spent exclusively with your spouse, but it is not healthy to spend all your time with your spouse. Each party needs friends outside of the marriage that they can spend time with. Not anything that interferes with or supersedes the marriage, but that augments it. Find friends while you wait for your boyfriend. Have fun. Be happy.

Don't be in a hurry to get married when he gets home. You'll find that he's changed a lot (concentrated years of maturation), and you will not have changed as much (in most cases). Unless you have made some sort of binding promise to your boyfriend, go ahead and date while he's gone. If you're not comfortable dating someone repeatedly, that's okay. But get to know other guys. Someone once compared dating to a trip to Baskin-Robbins 31 flavors: you don't know that chocolate is your favorite flavor until you've tried all the others. On the flip side, you won't know that maybe it's not your favorite unless you try others. (Note: this is not to say 'go out and be promiscuous in the name of experimentation' but to give others and yourself a chance.)

[Misshalfway]

Lexish,

Hi Sweetie. Having a dark night it sounds like. I am familiar with dark nights and I kinda hate 'em. They get our heads thinking outside of reality a little bit and making conclusions about our worth and raise questions about whether or not we are loved. I have been there... or to some place sorta like that. I know loneliness. I struggle so much right now because of it. Sometimes I look at others and they seem to make friends so easily and I see that there family and friends swarm around them and seem so loyal. Me on the other hand, I tend to fly solo and struggle to trust others too. Sometimes being involved with your heart out there just hurts too much. And I often try again with people....hoping that there will be some break thru.....some trusting friend on the other side of my trying -- but then I feel the sting as I discover that I trusted where I shouldn't have.

I don't know what your history is or what your painful experience may have been, but you are not alone. I think a lot of us, if not all, have sections of our lives where we struggle.

There are lessons that I am learning in my own journey thru pain that are helping me. I am learning to trust myself FIRST! and to be my own best friend. I am learning to laugh at my jokes and like my ways and my ideas even when no one else appears too. I used to let others and their opinions determine my opinion of myself. I try not to do that anymore. And when I am tempted to think that way, something that often happens, I discipline my mind to reject those thought patterns.

I love that you want to be happy and content with you life the way it is!! There is great power in that statement all by itself. I usually struggle when there is part of my thinking that isn't following that path. It usually means that I am not tolerating some part of myself or my life or the people in it. Or letting outside forces determine my contentedness. I am knowing that I really can be happy with my life the way it is, EVEN when the way it is just isn't how I want it to be. And even then, I find myself questioning my criteria for "contentedness" in the first place.

I don't know what measures you use to judge your "loveableness" or your goodness, but perhaps look at those measures in your thinking and chuck them out the window if you find yourself in unreasonable harshness or unacceptance or shame. Just banish all those thought processes. Satan lives in them. I swear he is the author of them. And then love yourself and all of your strengths and all of your weaknesses too. And don't be worried if you have weakness.....even profound weakness. That just makes you like the rest of us!

Be kind to yourself when you struggle and be gentle in your thoughts thru the dark nights. That is what Jesus does. He loves us no matter how weak or fat or jerky or sinful we become. He helps us purge from us what isn't good for us, and replaces it with what is. And he doesn't baby us. He helps us find strength instead.

I am sending you a big giant virtual hug! Know you are beautiful, when you don't feel beautiful. Know you are smart, when you don't feel smart. Know that there are better ways to think about things, but that you are wonderful and that life is good even if you haven't found them yet or even if you have, but can't make them work for you.

I am learning that loving myself is the hardest battle of my life. It has been like a huge Mount Everest standing so dauntingly in front of me. And how easy it is for me to take a few steps and tumble back down a section of the mountain. But I am learning......with each step in the right direction and with lots of practice.....that I can do it! Heck, I am doing it right now! I don't have many friends or people inside my circle of trust. But I have ME inside my circle and I trust me. And some days that is enough and somedays it isn't. But I am learning that the more I love me, the more others want to be with me. And if they don't, then that is ok too. And I am even starting to make friends. Trust isn't coming as fast......but I have faith and hope that it will when the time is right. And I am also learning that everyone else is out there making mistakes too. And sometimes they make their mistakes at my front door and in my face. Well, I can forgive them. And I can I trust myself not to get bowled over by it. I mean, trusting that people won't ever hurt us......well, that is like trusting the wind not to blow. We will hurt and be hurt. It is part of the deal. But, that doesn't mean we can't groove with the process.

Take care my dear. Glad you decided to reach out and tell the truth about how you were feeling. Remember that depression is just believing lies. So, call out your lies....banish them.....and start loving truth! And remember that in each circumstance there is a gift. Start looking for yours!

Much Love.