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Misshalfway last won the day on December 15 2014

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About Misshalfway

  • Birthday 04/02/1970

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  1. It hurts me a little to hear you blame yourself so intensely. Not that it isn't good to take responsibility and not that it's not normal for what you are going through now, but it just seems like there was a lot more going on that just your hurtful reactions. I mean when you are in a marriage with porn addiction hiding in the undercurrents, it's hard to know how to react. You know something is wrong....that something hurts...that you don't feel loved or safe. But you don't know what it is. Stuff comes out your mouth before you've really got a hold of what it all means and what the enemy really is. And then the truth of his addiction comes out and of course your defenses are going to go up! It's like learning your house is on fire and you are stuck inside. And somehow you are expected to be calm and supportive? I mean you can't do that until you feel safe again. Right? I mean did he ever try to make you safe or was he so focused on his own needs in those early days? Yeah...maybe you could have handled it better but give yourself a little compassion. And let me say this, at least in my experience, men who struggle with porn also tend to struggle with distorted and exaggerated fears about rejection and expectations about being loved. Wives are not suppose to have feelings or needs. She's suppose to be there for him. Period. So when she has her own struggles or gets hurt by his behavior...he experiences a narcissistic wound of sorts and the resentment builds. It's like she becomes objectified as having all the responsibility for his needs/comfort, etc, and therefore his scapegoat when things do go perfectly. Going to therapy sounds good, but if he was trying to use that as another way to blame you or control to make you into object, I can see why your insides might have resisted. If any of this was going on with you two, it would make sense why resentments would resurface and why he couldn't forgive you. That distorted thinking doesn't allow for mistakes or repairs. It doesn't allow for the other person to learn, grow, or regroup with better information. It's absolute. Once you blow it, it's over. He sees the weakness and withdraws his love. Just like he did to himself when he saw his own weakness. And just like he might do with the next person. I have no idea if what I've offered is relevant to your situation, but whatever happened, I'm sorry he wasn't able to empathize with what you went through...see how his behavior might have contributed to your pain or imbalanced reactions. And I'm sorry he couldn't forgive you. It sounds like you've tried everything humanly possible to make things better. May angels attend you as your mourn this loss. But gosh...you don't have kids and you are 28! You have your whole life ahead of you. It's probably so hard to see the hope but maybe this divorce is a blessing. I think good things will come to you.
  2. I'm with Parakeet on this one. As hard as it is, I think it's important to understand that it's not your burden to carry. It's hers. She must decide what to do. Your job is to help her carry her own burden, not take over and override her. If she were underage, that would be different. Then it would be your responsibility. I think it's key that she came to you as a friend. Perhaps the lines of where your EQP duties begin and end are muddled for you. So, I guess I'm saying that yes you can hold this information and do nothing. Well, maybe not do nothing. Encourage her to go to the police or get counseling or comfort her fears. But you have to do what God has to do....respect the agency.
  3. Coming from a kid who got ignored a lot from my mother, I'd have given anything for a mother who fussed a bit over my welfare. Just the argument of "Ma! Stop it." Makes me jealous. I had some visiting teachers a while back who were both experiencing their first tastes of empty nest. One was talking about how her daughter had a new baby and didn't want mom to hover because she wanted to prove to mom she could do it herself. This woman felt rejected and excluded and it was a really hard transition. Now that I'm a mom and my kids are bringing home girlfriends and I'm thinking about losing my first in a year, who knows. I might just be fussing over his laundry when he gets home from his mission. Silly. But I think I get it.
  4. My son has had his license for six months. So far, he's blown the clutch in the old pick up. It's dead in my third garage. $800 to fix. Just drove in his first snow. Bent the front tire on car #2. Just dropped $600 to fix that. All I can say is that i'm feeling a lot of "good feeling gone...".
  5. My 10 year old painted a poster sized picture of me and her together holding hands. It was astonishingly beautiful. Maybe it's because she is budding as a little artist, or maybe I could feel the emotion she used to paint it. All I know is that tears flowed out of my eyes as I took it all in. Best present ever because it came right from her tender little heart into mine.
  6. Folk Prophet...does sustaining the brethren, to you, mean that you believe everything they say is gospel fact? Where do you draw your lines? With me for example, I don't include Deseret Book into the cannon. I only accept what is said in GC or when a formal letter is read to the congregations. For me, sustaining is a different thing than idolizing or idealizing. I find it difficult to idealize in my adulthood but as a child I was very much taught that was the essence of what sustaining was about. What are your thoughts on the nuances? I'm not even sure "support" means "agree".
  7. Yeah...you can set boundaries. But my guess is that it won't turn out the way you want. Not that you shouldn't set them. Just that I think something more fundamental is in play. So maybe ask a different question like.... ....What attachment need is your mother trying to fill? to feel needed? valued? What is her fundamental fear if she loses this access to your "laundry"? If you can figure out the answer, perhaps you can help give your mother the reassurance she needs and then her pressured helping behaviors might naturally relax. I think setting boundaries is important but my feeling is that we miss other important components of the process when we set them. And then we end up frustrated and confused. It's like we say "Here's my boundary! Respect it! It's the most important thing to me. Forget about you." Then the other one feels the hurt but stays fighting for something more fundamentally important to them. Attachment needs are survival. We fight for these just like we fight to breath. So, while you are saying no....it'd be cool if you could add some comment like "mom, I love what you give me. You've taught me selfless service. I need some independence but I don't want to lose you. You are so important to me." Get my drift? You are saying my boundaries are important but you are important to me too. Comfort the attachment need and the defenses relax. BUT you have to understand her first. So get curious instead of furious. I mean maybe this is the time in your life where you realize more about the humanness of your mother ....and if you have the courage, perhaps you'll be willing to learn how to love her without requiring her to change first. That's harder work that requires more selflessness but it's actually gives birth to sweeter interactions and more peaceful interactions than stark boundary setting alone.
  8. I like this thread. I think the ideas presented by the OP are important ones. At least they've been important for me to consider as my testimony and religious practice has evolved. I remember listening to Elder Oaks once. I'm sorry I can't post a link but I believe he was asked if people should sustain the brethren even if they were off or wrong in something. His answer was "yes". I think there is something important here. That we are suppose to "sustain" the brethren through it all. He didn't say "to agree with absolutely". Just sustain. And I can do that. I do that when I honor my human parents or my human bishop or my human VTers. I can do that with the brethren too even if I think they miss the mark a little. I mean I look at every General Conference I've witnessed since I can remember. I don't have one moment where I came away feeling anything less than uplifted. There have been times that some speakers didn't resonate with me in the moment. Or speakers that I didn't feel as much spirit with as others. But that never bothered me. I've assumed that those sermons weren't expedient for me but might be for someone else. I've seen the church evolve and will admit that some of those changes have caused me to pause and consider....even doubt. But at the end of the day...I still feel Father in Heaven stop my criticisms with a firm hand as He instructs me to follow the priesthood and it's respective offices and hand the humanness to Him. That direction means more to me than any intellectual measure of "correctness". At the end of the day, Father commands and I must heed his voice. And if I'd been an early Saint, I would have sold my farm, smashed my dishes, and left it all for a pipe dream in SLC. "and shall we die before our journey's through....happy day. all is right." Prophets are humans. They have a job to do. A really hard one, at that! And I have a job to do too. And sometimes believing is hard too. So, I guess it's hard all over. :) Makes sustaining each other so important! Maybe that's why I think this thread is important. I'd like to see the church do a better job at sustaining each other through our seasons of doubt or trial or midst of darkness. I'm wearied by the way we judge each other with such superiority and harshness. I wish instead for a body of the church that meets such weakenings/or strengthenings (depending on how you look at it) with understanding and sustaining encouragment, love, and support. I think if we could understand this principle and apply it, we'd be better off. Maybe even a little more like the city of Enoch. At least I hope so.
  9. You and I must be having the same week. We worked science fair last night until late and we have a like a million recitals, school concerts, and stuff the kids forgot to tell me until 5 mins before it's due. And I'm with the rest of you on wanting my babies home with me and out of all the school environment. I will say I'm happier this year than ever. I've found two charter schools that are excellent and my kids are really thriving. My older two are doing a hybrid schedule with half homeschool and half local school. That seems to be working well. I actually think my kids are learning and thinking! Not all that going through the motion drone training stuff.
  10. I'm sorry to have rocked the thread by my less than specific statements. Perhaps "wrong" was the wrong term. :) What I meant to say was that in some of Kimball's writings, like the Miracle of Forgiveness, he was rather, I don't know, perfectionistic, rigid, or black and white about the subject. And I think his writings contributed to a lot of misunderstandings and unnecessary shame about sexual feelings and actions. I remember reading once that even Kimball himself thought he had been too harsh with gay people in his earlier writings. I'll add too, that I've spent long hours studying these writings and asking Father to please help me understand and I believe my spirit communications about sexual feelings, development, and behaviors feel a little more balanced than what I felt reading Kimball on the subject. But this is just me as I try to understand the truth about these things so I can guide my little family. Please know. I love president Kimball. He was the prophet of my youth. My point was to illustrate that prophets are humans. That's all. And that sometimes their efforts to communicate are flawed. And I meant to express that I personally don't need to idealize them in order to follow them. How many times do the prophets in the BofM asking us not to condemn the writings because of their imperfections? It's the same thing. I don't condemn any of them for their imperfection. But I don't deny the imperfection either.
  11. I get it. She's changing the game and you aren't prepared for that. And your concerns are valid. The kids need stability anywhere they can get it. I also honor your courage to try to slowly adjust to these new changes. You said that she was able to calm a bit and start to respect your wishes. Perhaps she is slowly moving towards what you need as well. Sounds like there might be a little spark of hope here that might lead to mutually beneficial negotiations. Am I right? Is this a place of softening that could be nurtured? I'd love to see you through your energy towards building this bridge. In regards to your last statements, I'm not sure it's "wrong" to put wife 3rd. But I'm concerned that your statement is really only about you and your emotional survival and protection. Maybe you've lost trust in your wife's devotion to you. Or maybe you had trust issues before you got married. I couldn't know. But this is concerning especially for the children. The children's greatest protection is a the safe haven of a strong marriage. Don't think the kids won't sense your disloyalty to each other. They absolutely will! And it will instill inside of them a strain of insecurity and teach them not to trust relationships. I really like Estradling's post. It feels like really good counsel for you. Maybe when you are ready you'll have the courage to rise to it.
  12. Hi Priesthoodpower. Looks like it's been a few days since anyone has posted on this thread. Don't know how you are feeling now, but it sure sounds like the communication between you and your wife has really taken a turn for the worse. It's like you both have stopped listening to each other. And like you are starting to go to war. And that makes me really sad for you and your wife and those beautiful kids you have. Don't go to war Priesthoodpower. I know you are hurting and feeling betrayed. I know you are afraid. But don't let those feelings overtake your wisdom and cause you to stop practicing love. Slow your reactions. Calm your indignation. Don't let yourself blame or attack or withhold your patience, kindness, or long suffering. Your feelings are understandable and valid. I'm not suggesting you have lie or dishonor them in any way. I mean this challenge you've been given is very difficult and heart-wrenching. But remember you ALWAYS have a choice as to how you handle it. We don't always get to choose our problems but we always have a choice as to how we'll react to them. Reach out to your wife. Soften your heart. Soften your words and your judgments and your protests. The church is important. But not nearly as important as learning the lessons of love. Don't get stuck in a right fight. You'll win the battle and lose the war. There are no winners in wars like this and the ones who lose the most are those sweet kids. Try empathy instead. Try slowing things down. Try getting curious instead of furious. Try getting to the heart of the matter and validating your wife's feelings. Support her. Be her soft place to fall. ANd then ask for what you need. It's ok to ask for her to negotiate a new way to raise the children. It's ok to ask her to watch her mocking tone. But do so from a place of gentleness and peace. OK? I know it's hard what I'm suggesting. Selflessness is one of the hardest things Father asks us practice. But it works way better than the stuff our natural man comes up with. When stuff like this happens, it's so easy to feel like the victim. To feel like all this stuff is happening to us. But maybe it's happening FOR us. Maybe we need to be rocked on our heads so we can see our rough edges and realize our need for repentance or change. Pain tends to be like mud on the windshield and we panic and start swerving all over the road! Don't panic. Settle down and let the spirit teach you what to do next. Then follow those dictates. And grace will attend you.
  13. Well, at least you are learning that using fear to manage the natural man doesn't really work so well. It wears you out! What if you tried a different psychology when evaluating your behavior? Like love for example. Working with the natural man is a lot like working with kids. You can scream at them, punish them, and threaten them. Then they will hate you and rebel. Or you can let them walk all over you and watch them become spoiled entitled brats. Or you can love, support, and guide them with good counsel and proper limits. And lots of times we just have to trust them. I have no clue whether a confession to the bishop would help you or not. But don't you think you should stop all this worry and just trust yourself? Why fear the natural man more than you trust your spirit self? Half the problem with self mastery is all the fear. Fear just makes us weak and reactive. Trust makes us strong and flexible and wise.
  14. Three of my kids like school. They're weirdos. :) It's me that's chomping at the bit for the vacation. I'm feeling burnout and really wanting fun. And sleep.