Non-member wife doesn't want me to go to church

[geebee]

My husband is a non-member and although he doesn't object to me going to church he was adamant that I wasn't to mention anything about 'church stuff' to him. I have respected that condition for over a year. During that time I have prayed for his heart to soften and also for my attitude towards him to change. I resented his hardheartedness for a long time and I became patronising towards his lifestyle, drinking etc. I realised in time how I was changing towards him and began to pray about it. He is a good, loving husband and father and I decided that me respecting his opinions were just as important as him respecting mine. I cannot say he has become interested in the church but he will occasionally ask me a question about it. We are happier as a couple because I show him as much respect as he shows me. I allow him to take the lead, I don't talk church unless he wants me to, I don't ask him to go with me to any church related events, I arrange home teaching visits, etc for when he is out of the house. BUT, he knows that I will attend church every Sunday and also any weekday meetings, that I will not negotiate my membership or my lifestyle in any way and that my faith is more important to me than anything else. It works for us and I know that through constant prayer and faith it will continue to do so. I don't ask the Lord to make my husband join the church or make him change because he has his free agency. I just ask for a softening of my husbands heart and that is what I've experienced. Contention is not a good road to go down if you love your wife. Be respectful and loving towards her at all times and it will be returned, let her see that the church is important to you but don't throw it down her throat. Pray sincerely for the Lord's help and guidance and counsel with your bishop and I'm sure you will work this out.

[Islander]

This is a very difficult issue. There are many stories in the Forum about part-member families and the challenges it create when the inactive member tries to resume attendance to church.

You must understand that it was a conscious and willful choice to marry a non-member. You had no expectation of joint attendance at the time. Years may have passed already since you first married and you are asking your spouse to alter her routine, lifestyle and expectations of the relationship. It could feel like you lied to her.

You HAVE to bare your soul to her and express why you feel you want to return to active worship and membership in the church. I have no idea about the nature and quality of your marriage, but if she cares for you she will agree that you have spiritual needs and are trying to meet them.

The ONLY thing you can do is love her, care for her, be attentive to her and develop again the Christ-like attitude and behavior that could potentially impress her thru the Spirit to share in your religious life. Tough road ahead but have faith and persevere.

[Latter Days Guy]

I'm in a similar position to the OP. I returned to the church after a long period of inactivity about two years ago, my wife was not at all happy about her husband joining up with a "cult". My wife was pregnant with our second child at the time and was having a pretty bad pregnancy so after a while church took a back seat as I took care of her needs and the needs of my soon to be born son. Anyway she made her feelings known about what she thought about my membership of the church so I kinda stopped going, thinking I would get back into regular attendance after the baby was born.

That never happended. My wife wanted us to get our son Christened so we both started to attend our local Anglican Church which was nice for a while. Then over the last few months I began to feel the calling of the Lord to retrun to the LDS church but kept putting it off because of the trouble it would cause with my wife. Finally it all came to a head, I just could not continue living a lie, I knew that the LDS church was true and that that was and is the church that I should belong to. I have told my wife that I love her but I must follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit and go to the church that I know to be true. She did get upset and had a few tears but it wasn't half as bad as I expected she would react. I feel a lot happier and I believe that we can work through whatever problems she has with the church. She may or may not join the church in the future, but at least I know that now I am in the place that Heavenly Father wants me to be.

[Misshalfway]

I am for the patience and negotiating side of things. It is clear that your spouse is threatened by your new desire to attend church. People have deep feelings about church no matter which way they land on the issue. I am guessing here, but perhaps your wife has some ancient pain about the issue or maybe your new commitment inadvertantly makes her feel guilty or that you won't love her anymore or any number of emotions that could be there.

Have you taken the time to listen in a non-reactive/defensive way to her feelings? I mean in a way that doesn't include talking about your own. Just a few hours dedicated to really understanding where she is coming from. She may not even know right away why she is acting the way she is. It may be beneficial for her to hear herself talk about her feelings.

I think if you can hear and internalize and empathize and validate her feelings, it may open some doors to solutions. If she feels that you won't love her anymore, you could take steps to reinforce your love and acceptance of her to compensate for the loss she feels. Or maybe knowing how patient you are and willing to hear will soften her heart so that she will then be prepared to listen to you and your needs.

I think these changes are threatening. You act one way....something she is used to and oriented to....and then you make what might feel like a sudden and threatening change and it disrupts her security. Try to understand, NOT REACT, to her feelings. Remember, feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. She has a right to her honest feelings and so do you. Listening and validating those feelings do more for the salvation of the relationship than reacting and giving ultimatums.

Hopefully, as you do validate her feelings and give it time to sink in, then she will open to be able to validate yours and then both of you will be ready to adjust creative solutions to fit both your needs and that calm and comfort fears.

Best wishes. Remember that people are more important than practice. Going to church is a good good thing, but how you handle your relationship and feelings of your spouse speaks even more loudly to your commitment to Christ.

[mlbrowninwa]

I understand some of what you are going through. My wife and I have been married for 16 years. I have been a member of two different christian denominations in my life and was an active church goer until we were married. My wife has never been a very "religious" person although i know she believes in Jesus. We have both had friends over the years that were members of the LDS church and i have always felt a certain pull from the church.

Back at the first of the year, after completing our move to the west coast I decided to explore churches in the area. One of them I decided to explore was the Latter Day Saints. I called, meet a few times with the missionaries and attended a few services near by my house. However this really seemed to turn my wife off to the entire church idea as a whole. She continued to tell me that she knew Mormons and what they believed and we should not be part of it. She had not attended one service or talked to the missionaries or even read any of the info that I had gathered. Over time i stopped going and cut off contact with the missionaries. However now i feel an even stronger need to return to the church. I read some of the book of Mormon again, but it was the gospel of John that sent me back on this track. I have recently started a journey to renew my life and I plan to go back to the church, call the missionaries back and maybe even join.

I am currently reading a book called Mormon America, basically a history of the church written by non-members. They so far seem to present the church in a nice and honest light. But i have noticed my wife looking at the book. I continue to pray that she will open up some day, but I do not think she will stand in my way if i choose to attend.

[MarginOfError]

She has no right to tell you to go or not go to church. Freedom of religion is one of our fundamental rights as Americans. That is something you must do for yourself and decide for yourself. If it were me, I would just up and go and let her deal with her "frosty" self. Hopefully she would see that you are trying to become a better person and her heart will soften.

Let her know that no matter what, you love her and that nothing will change that.

I disagree with this approach. It is a very contentious attitude.

Patience and love is the only way to manage this situation.

Be that as it may, it is one of my *personal pet peeves* to see someone's legal rights impeded, that is all. No offense meant, nor taken, I hope you can somewhat see my perspective.

This just opens the question of which is better:

a) Going to Church but having a broken marriage, or

b) Not going to Church and saving your marriage

You can make a really strong case either way.