Thoughts on Infertility

[Tarnished]

Since joining the forum and wandering around a bit I have noticed that there are more than a few women who have problems with infertility. As my husband and I have been dealing with this problem for eight years now I thought I might see if I could start a discussion on it.

On our first year anniversary we were notified by the doctor that Faded had cancer, again. This was the second instance of it and it was the same type of cancer that he had before. The first bout of cancer came around the time he returned from his mission. He had gone through Chemotherapy and was currently in remission. He had almost hit the 5 year mark which marks the time where they usually don’t see cancer return. When it came the second time he was only 26. Because it was a reoccurrence of the original cancer the doctor wanted to pull out the big guns to fight the disease. So he decided that Faded would need to go through Chemo, Radiation and a Bone Marrow Transplant.

For those who don’t know what is involved in a Bone Marrow Transplant I will elaborate. During a Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT) they give the patient chemotherapy that is 40 times the concentration that they usually give regular cancer patients. They give three types of chemotherapy separated by a day to give the body time to recover. The chemo goes around and kills everything, all of the rapidly dividing cells in the body and this also means bone marrow. After giving the last batch of chemo they wait a few days and then insert the new bone marrow, then everyone prays that the bone marrow is accepted by the body. One problem behind this procedure is that it results in a 99% chance of sterility. So before going through any of the chemo Faded banked some “opportunities” for us.

Currently Faded is in remission, it has been 7 years and he is doing well. However we are currently battling the infertility problem. Our current option is In Vitro Fertilization (IF), however if that does not work then we will look into adoption. Though we have options I still go through times where I feel sad about it all. It often hits home whenever I see a baby or when someone asks when we are going to have children, but it hit hardest when my little sister, the youngest in our family, had her baby this last August. I am happy to have my newest niece and I am happy for my sister, but my arms are still empty.

Throughout this all I have talked to many other women who are going through similar situations. They struggle at having children or are completely unable. All of them are saddened by the fact and often ask, “Why me?” I have seen many of them blame God, get angry, or hurt, and have seen quite a few grow inactive as Mother’s Day is a painful experience and hearing about new babies in the ward often makes them feel sad rather than happy.

It causes me to wonder, those sisters in this forum who are struggling with infertility, how do you feel about it all? How is sacrament for you? Mother’s Day? New babies? How do you react to the question from well meaning people, “So when are you going to have babies?” What are your thoughts on your situation? Do you blame God? Or have you found a way of viewing things that puts things in a different perspective?

[qtpie09]

Wow...you have quite a story and I can relate to so many of the emotions you expressed. I have suffered from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) since my early teens, which has many symptoms--the worst of which is infertility. Of course, when I met my husband our hopes and dreams hinged on having children and creating a happy little family. After a couple yrs marriage, that didn't happen. Slowly, tension, anxiety, and guilt began to surrounded our physical relationship. So much so, that it pretty much became non-existant. I felt guilty ---my body was the root of our marital issues.

My situation is now extremely complicated--my husband cheated and is now expecting a child from another woman. A huge part of my decision as to stay or to go is....how am I going to handle raising another woman's child as my own, when I couldn't give this gift to my husband myself? Will I struggle with resentment? Would he have still cheated if I could have gotten pregnant? Is this a blessing in disguise? Not saying that this child was by any means conceived in righteousness, but I can't change what has happened...if my husband and I reconcile, is this my only chance to be a mother? Was this God's plan for me? Ugh...the questions go on and on.....

I think the BIGGEST part of infertility is dealing with the guilt and the self esteem issues. I feel guilty when our friends announce they are pregnant. I feel guilt when I go to church and see floods of primary kids filling the halls and sit in sacrament and look at all the families. We have been innactive much of our marriage--for various reasons/excuses--but for me I was always so emotionally drained by all the expectations of having a "family". I can't tell you how many times I cried because someone, not knowing our situation, gave us crap because we had been married for years and hadn't had kids. They would say things like "the prophets have councelled...blah blah blah" Basically saying we weren't having children for selfish reasons. I felt I couldn't live up to what a family in the gospel "should be". Also, adoption is wonderful, but nothing is more miraculous than feeling your baby grow inside you and know that is a part of you and your spouse. That's what I grieve over the most. Over the years, I feel I have lost my self worth because of it.

Everyone has their own situation and how this impacts their lives. I am curious to see how everyone is dealing with this too...thanks for the great post! You and Faded are in my prayers!!

[sakuragirl]

This is a difficult subject matter to address however I agree its one of the most difficult things to deal with in the LDS church, because there are so many wonderful children. I have married twice and been divorced twice and the difficulty to conceive has been a primary issue. I married my first husband 2 weeks after my 17th birthday and 3 years later we found out we were expecting. He couldn't get off work so my Mum took me to my first ultrasound and that's when we discovered it was Ectopic (tubal). I was distraught so my Mum made the decision for the surgery. She said after wards the Doctor told her point blank that if it continued there was a 80% chance I would die. My husband never visited me in hospital and when my Mum went to get a couple of things for me, there was a note on the table saying that because I couldn't carry a child I wasnt a real woman and he had to find someone who could actual live to God's Plan and it also said that I must have been truly evil to bring this punishment on myself. I married weeks after my divorce came through, due to depression and wanting to prove that I was a 'real woman" and found out that I would have a difficult time conceiving as one tube is severely damaged. I married someone who wasnt right for me and he spent 6 years telling me I was worthless and that the thought of having someone who 'might as well be a man' was disturbing so he sought solace elsewhere and was extremely violent. He estranged from the church and helped convince me that I was a sinner and not loved by HF because he had chosen to curse me by taking away my purpose in life. I chose to leave him and gained a divorce. Have found someone who says he loves me for me and that one day we will have children and tells me even if we adopt a child that deserves your love you will be a mommy. Now I am 28, married and divorced : TWICE. Childless and the last time I tried church a year ago I was called to primary and it ripped me apart so I left church again. I feel like there is a sign over my head that tells me I am not worthy and that I can never fulfill my destiny. Its really hard to handle. Now I am racked with doubt and guilt, I want to go back to church but keep finding excuses because I feel that people will be looking at me. "theres the sinner" so to speak. Sorry to just put it out there but it feels like its time that I said it out loud

[Tarnished]

This is a difficult subject matter to address however I agree its one of the most difficult things to deal with in the LDS church, because there are so many wonderful children. I have married twice and been divorced twice and the difficulty to conceive has been a primary issue. I married my first husband 2 weeks after my 17th birthday and 3 years later we found out we were expecting. He couldn't get off work so my Mum took me to my first ultrasound and that's when we discovered it was Ectopic (tubal). I was distraught so my Mum made the decision for the surgery. She said after wards the Doctor told her point blank that if it continued there was a 80% chance I would die. My husband never visited me in hospital and when my Mum went to get a couple of things for me, there was a note on the table saying that because I couldn't carry a child I wasnt a real woman and he had to find someone who could actual live to God's Plan and it also said that I must have been truly evil to bring this punishment on myself. I married weeks after my divorce came through, due to depression and wanting to prove that I was a 'real woman" and found out that I would have a difficult time conceiving as one tube is severely damaged. I married someone who wasnt right for me and he spent 6 years telling me I was worthless and that the thought of having someone who 'might as well be a man' was disturbing so he sought solace elsewhere and was extremely violent. He estranged from the church and helped convince me that I was a sinner and not loved by HF because he had chosen to curse me by taking away my purpose in life. I chose to leave him and gained a divorce. Have found someone who says he loves me for me and that one day we will have children and tells me even if we adopt a child that deserves your love you will be a mommy. Now I am 28, married and divorced : TWICE. Childless and the last time I tried church a year ago I was called to primary and it ripped me apart so I left church again. I feel like there is a sign over my head that tells me I am not worthy and that I can never fulfill my destiny. Its really hard to handle. Now I am racked with doubt and guilt, I want to go back to church but keep finding excuses because I feel that people will be looking at me. "theres the sinner" so to speak. Sorry to just put it out there but it feels like its time that I said it out loud

One thing I have learned through my experiences with this is that it is not our fault. We did nothing to "earn" or "deserve" this on ourselves. There is no sin that God would send this kind of punishment for. It is my belief that God sends trials in each person's life, things that if we can overcome and live through we will become stronger people from our experiences. My heart goes out to you for what you have gone through. Truthfully what those men told you isn't true at all. What "real man" would come into a marriage and discovering that there would be difficulty having children not look for ways to help his wife through the pain that comes from this. I would have to say that your prior husbands were the sinners in the situation for saying such horrible things and then leaving the marriage because they needed someone who could have children. As I have watched the world I have come to the conclusion that there are many women who can bear children, but not so many who can be good mothers. Many of the women who struggle with infertility would make wonderful mothers.

I can understand the pain of going back to church. Since we have been married I have been called to Primary three times, twice to the nursery. It can be a painful calling as you watch over other people's children and wish that you could have your own. If you do decide to return to church I would go and talk to your bishop, explain to him your situation, explain the pain that comes from serving in callings in the Primary. Talk to your Relief Society President about things, I have found that many women in the LDS church are very understanding. You are a worthy daughter of God, this is just your trial in life, it is my belief that if we are strong through these trials we will be blessed for it.

[Tarnished]

Wow...you have quite a story and I can relate to so many of the emotions you expressed. I have suffered from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) since my early teens, which has many symptoms--the worst of which is infertility. Of course, when I met my husband our hopes and dreams hinged on having children and creating a happy little family. After a couple yrs marriage, that didn't happen. Slowly, tension, anxiety, and guilt began to surrounded our physical relationship. So much so, that it pretty much became non-existant. I felt guilty ---my body was the root of our marital issues.

My situation is now extremely complicated--my husband cheated and is now expecting a child from another woman. A huge part of my decision as to stay or to go is....how am I going to handle raising another woman's child as my own, when I couldn't give this gift to my husband myself? Will I struggle with resentment? Would he have still cheated if I could have gotten pregnant? Is this a blessing in disguise? Not saying that this child was by any means conceived in righteousness, but I can't change what has happened...if my husband and I reconcile, is this my only chance to be a mother? Was this God's plan for me? Ugh...the questions go on and on.....

I think the BIGGEST part of infertility is dealing with the guilt and the self esteem issues. I feel guilty when our friends announce they are pregnant. I feel guilt when I go to church and see floods of primary kids filling the halls and sit in sacrament and look at all the families. We have been innactive much of our marriage--for various reasons/excuses--but for me I was always so emotionally drained by all the expectations of having a "family". I can't tell you how many times I cried because someone, not knowing our situation, gave us crap because we had been married for years and hadn't had kids. They would say things like "the prophets have councelled...blah blah blah" Basically saying we weren't having children for selfish reasons. I felt I couldn't live up to what a family in the gospel "should be". Also, adoption is wonderful, but nothing is more miraculous than feeling your baby grow inside you and know that is a part of you and your spouse. That's what I grieve over the most. Over the years, I feel I have lost my self worth because of it.

Everyone has their own situation and how this impacts their lives. I am curious to see how everyone is dealing with this too...thanks for the great post! You and Faded are in my prayers!!

Qtpie, your situation also shows a husband who is not living up to his role as a husband. Though we have been counseled to have a family sometimes because of infertility there are walls put up in our way. This does not mean that we are not living up to our potential, it just means that we have a road block in our way.

It saddens me that you should have to go through such a situation, where you feel that your only possible way to raise a child is to raise on that was created through an affair. None of us may know what the future holds, but I hope that you do not place all your hopes on this child.

My husband and I have looked at adoption as well. It is a difficult proposition, there are so many factors, but it really comes down to giving a child a loving home, and loving them as your own. Though we have the option to try In Vitro there is a very real chance that it will never work. So we keep the option of adoption open as well.

As for those at church who feel the need to encourage in multiple ways to procreate I have always been very open with letting them know exactly what the situation is, I figure the more people know the less they will be willing to be hurtful.

I am hoping that the future for you is a bright one, that either your husband will see his errors and be willing to change, or that you may be free to find someone who loves you for who you are. You are a worthy wonderful daughter of God, and he does not judge you or love you any less for infertility. He did not give you this trial as a curse or as a punishment, I can not believe that he would do such a thing. Infertility is a devestating trial to deal with as a woman, however it never means that we are any less of a person for it. Please remember that.

[Faded]

In an ideal world, every man would be an honorable Priesthood holder and every Woman would be an honorable mother.

Welcome to this lost and fallen world that is FAR from ideal.

Tarnished has the exact role reversal here. I'm sterile. She is not. She could leave me, find someone else and probably get pregnant soon thereafter. That is not what marriage is about though. Marriage is a commitment and it was never intended to come with "child birthing" as a condition. I don't beat myself up over these problems because it's not my fault. Nobody should beat themselves up over this. But sometimes, especially in an LDS culture of "multiply and replenish the Earth already!!" -- a lot of members misunderstand. More often than not, it's because they simply don't know the circumstances and most members have not experienced this agony.

Because of treatments for my cancer, we've moved around a good bit. In our first ward, we were called to serve in the nursery. In the next ward, we were called to serve in the nursery. Nice double dose of being confronted with "here's what a child looks like and you can't make them!" Since then, primary and youth callings have abounded. But one thing we never did: We never talked to the bishop or anyone to tell them that it was awkward. Church leaders are trying to follow the counsel "every member needs a calling" so it's not like they're trying to pick on us. And just because one couple dealing with infertility is uncomfortable being thrown into constant interaction with other people's children, it doesn't mean that all such couples will feel the same way. Some might prefer to work with kids. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: The leaders in a Ward will need you to communicate with them so they can factor your feelings in when praying for inspiration on filling callings in the ward.

I do think that the experience make the wives of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob make a lot more sense. "Child Birthing Wars" would be a good name for it. I always thought those stories were so weird. Now I'm starting to understand better.

[Tarnished]

It causes me to wonder, those sisters in this forum who are struggling with infertility, how do you feel about it all? How is sacrament for you? Mother’s Day? New babies? How do you react to the question from well meaning people, “So when are you going to have babies?” What are your thoughts on your situation? Do you blame God? Or have you found a way of viewing things that puts things in a different perspective?

I would like to answer these questions for myself. As I have found that my thoughts on the matter are similar yet different from some of my friends who have been going through similar circumstances.

As Faded mentioned in our relationship the infertility is originated through him, there is a good possibility that if I married a different man that I could have children naturally. However, I married him knowing the risks and knowing that this was a possibility, and I married him knowing that no matter what the case was that we would work through it together as a couple. And we have done so, we currently have the option of trying In-Vitro as an option, there is no guarantee that this will work. I have never found myself blaming Faded or thinking less of him because of this, in my mind it is something that affects both of us because of this it is something that we deal with as a couple.

It has been eight years, so the reality has sunk in, thus things that used to bother me a lot don’t bother me quite as much now. This does not mean that they don’t hurt but they do not sting quite as much. Sacrament meetings are bitter-sweet, especially as we are currently living in the ward I grew up in. I see couples that I grew up with, went to dances with and watched date and marry walking the halls with their children. I look at children who are the age ours would have been if we had children and wonder at all the years we have lost.

Mothers Day is especially difficult, because the youth go around and pass out flowers, or plants or something to each mother and the people around me encourage me to accept one as well, but I always feel awkward and unworthy when I do. What have I done to deserve to be numbered among the other mothers, what do I have to show?

New babies have begun to dull for me, at first it was difficult to see them, now it is only painful when the person is close to me. However, how can I not be happy for them? When I wish so desperately for a child myself how can I not be happy when my loved ones are blessed with a child of their own?

I have actually become good at fielding the questions by well meaning people, I am not rude about it but I don’t let them walk away feeling fine either. I make sure that they know the situation and I don’t cut corners. I make sure they know how dearly I would love to have children. To tell the truth though these people usually mean well they really need to learn that it is not polite to encourage people to have children, there are many reasons behind why a couple has not had children yet and all of those reasons are the couple’s business, no one else’s.

To tell the truth going through cancer with Faded taught me a lot about living through a trial in life, and I learned the most from Faded himself. When we were told about the cancer I didn’t know how to react, I wanted to break down, but instead I took my cues from Faded. He remained calm and worried mostly about me and how I would take things. He smiled and joked around with the doctor and the nurses, making it seem like his biggest goal was to make everyone around him laugh. How could “I” the spouse of the person who had the cancer act any differently when he was all smiles and cheer? So I put on a brave face and worked my way through it with him. Also though it was the second time that he was going through cancer not once did I hear him blame God or ask, “Why me?” Instead he trusted in God and believed that if it was his time to die then he would go. I could not have asked for a better example.

So when the full weight of the reality that we were not going to be able to have children naturally fell upon us we went forward much in the same way we had with the cancer. We supported each other, but we tried to stay cheerful and we realized that there was no point in blaming God because it wasn’t something that a loving father in heaven would do. So now when terrible things happen to good people and there are people asking, “Why did this happen? Why does God allow terrible things to happen to good people?” I realize that the answer is, “Because these are our trials in life, they are things that we need to work past. They are not done as a punishment or because God is mean. Sometimes in life bad things happen, what really matters is what we choose to do with those situations. Our next actions are the ones that tell God exactly what kind of person we are.”

I don’t know if my viewpoint will help anyone, but I hope that it does.

[sakuragirl]

Yesterday was the 1st time I went back to church in a long time and hearing the children in the sacrament meeting was hard, i went through a range of emotions from thinking how wonderful they were all too why cant these parents control their kids.

You know what it then hit me, these are all children of God and I need to smile at them and accept them for who they are, beautiful sons and daughters. maybe thats what I needed, to know it was ok, and I cant really describe the peace I felt afterwards I even played with a little girl in RS, maybe its going to be ok and thats what I came out with.