In Law Woes

[sugarcrane2]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He joined the church a year after we were married. His family was not happy but were tolerant at the time. Things have gotten worse as time has passed with they way they treat us. They don't visit very often no matter how many times I invite them (we can't go to their house as they smoke and our son has med issues and is on o2 most of the time). They even asked us to get a babysitter for him at Christmas time so the rest of the family could go to their house to celebrate. I was pushing for family activities but stopped after I found out that his mom told him to leave me when we were in the mist of all of the medical problems. The siblings both participate in illegal activate and are all heavy drinkers. The last straw was just recently. His sister had an abortion as a form of birth control then lied to him about it. He has stopped talking to them. I guess they call and he won't answer or return phone calls. He told me that he did not want them to come for his birthday and that there would be issues if I did. Part of me is glad. But on the other hand its family. They don't believe that what they are doing is wrong. They haven't really hurt us. I personally don't think I could be friends with someone who thought it was no big deal to have an abortion. We would just have such a different regard to human life. But like I said its family, what do you do when you’re fed up with toxic family?

[Islander]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He joined the church a year after we were married. His family was not happy but were tolerant at the time. Things have gotten worse as time has passed with they way they treat us. They don't visit very often no matter how many times I invite them (we can't go to their house as they smoke and our son has med issues and is on o2 most of the time). They even asked us to get a babysitter for him at Christmas time so the rest of the family could go to their house to celebrate. I was pushing for family activities but stopped after I found out that his mom told him to leave me when we were in the mist of all of the medical problems. The siblings both participate in illegal activate and are all heavy drinkers. The last straw was just recently. His sister had an abortion as a form of birth control then lied to him about it. He has stopped talking to them. I guess they call and he won't answer or return phone calls. He told me that he did not want them to come for his birthday and that there would be issues if I did. Part of me is glad. But on the other hand its family. They don't believe that what they are doing is wrong. They haven't really hurt us. I personally don't think I could be friends with someone who thought it was no big deal to have an abortion. We would just have such a different regard to human life. But like I said its family, what do you do when you’re fed up with toxic family?

The question is: why do you still want to be close to people that do not respect you, do not care for you, insult you, disregard your family needs and completely deny you of dignity? Just because they are "family."

I wonder where you learn that it was OK being mistreated, regardless.

[FunkyTown]

I am a bit wary of this post, simply because these people seem like such a caricature.

"Your son is sick? You should leave your wife.", his sister using abortion as a form of birth control(But it only happened once. Have you considered that maybe it was more complex than that?) and his brothers the career criminal/heavy drinkers(What is heavy drinking outside the church?).

If all you're doing is venting, don't make your inlaws out to be monstrous caricatures of real people. If you actually want advice, try to be more honest in what the real situation is.

[sugarcrane2]

They are not members of the church to start with, for the drinking I'm talking run boyfriends over, police being called multiple times type of drunk. The criminal thing come on I’m a criminal because I speed when I drive so that’s a little harsh they do drugs and other stupid things that get you thrown in jail for a night or two but nothing really major that we know of. The mom did raise a son good enough to marry so no they are not monstrous they do have some redeeming qualities. The whole leaving thing was that while I was pregnant and we found out about the defect I had a break down and basically closed everyone off for a day while I locked myself in our room and had a pity party so yes not my best that day my bad. You are right in part about some of it is venting but I wanted to also point that this is not just normal I hate my in laws kind of a thing. This is these people are not healthy for our family but I was raised that family is family no matter what. I feel guilty in just writing them off and am having problems supporting my husband in doing that.

I was hoping that others may have had to put distance between them and family and how they did it so that they were still acting in a loving manor. Can it be done?

[Guest]

They are not members of the church to start with, for the drinking I'm talking run boyfriends over, police being called multiple times type of drunk. The criminal thing come on I’m a criminal because I speed when I drive so that’s a little harsh they do drugs and other stupid things that get you thrown in jail for a night or two but nothing really major that we know of. The mom did raise a son good enough to marry so no they are not monstrous they do have some redeeming qualities. The whole leaving thing was that while I was pregnant and we found out about the defect I had a break down and basically closed everyone off for a day while I locked myself in our room and had a pity party so yes not my best that day my bad. You are right in part about some of it is venting but I wanted to also point that this is not just normal I hate my in laws kind of a thing. This is these people are not healthy for our family but I was raised that family is family no matter what. I feel guilty in just writing them off and am having problems supporting my husband in doing that.

I was hoping that others may have had to put distance between them and family and how they did it so that they were still acting in a loving manor. Can it be done?

Sugarcane, sugarcane... what are you doing, girlfriend? This post is a rant. You know the answer to your question. Why do you need to put distance between you when they're doing it for you? I'm of a mind to think that you want to impose yourself on this sorry family so you'll have more ammo to rant with...

Okay, okay, maybe I just have the wrong impression. In any case, this is your husband's family. It's his decision. He wants to keep relations, fine - let him deal with their brand of crazy. If he doesn't want to keep relations, then you need to respect that. But, from what you're saying, you're just asking for abuse if you stay close with your in-laws. So, girl, step back, analyze the situation, and protect your family from your in-laws!

[NeuroTypical]

what do you do when you’re fed up with toxic family?

My wife and I moved 663.8 miles away, and have contact with them only from a position of strength.

[ryanh]

Sometimes I'm really left scratching my head wondering why replies like the first three are even posted. I don't understand.

I'm of the persuasion that loving and caring for someone as fellow children of Heavenly Father does not preclude our right to protect ourselves from harm. There are family members that I have not had meaningful contact with in over 11 years because their behavior is repetitively harmful and sadistic. I don't think there is any reason, nor purpose, in exposing ourselves to such situations any more than we should expose ourselves to moral evils.

Have you critically examined your own thoughts and motivations for wanting to continue to interact? Does classifying an individual as 'family' really put them in a different category? Are we not all 'family'? And yet, does it not seem reasonable to avoid interacting with certain elements of the human family?

Disrespecting your husband's wishes to cease contact could feel to him like a forced subjection to that which he doesn't want to be subjected. I would urge you to consider his perspective in the matter. I've been there, and when my wife made moves to contact certain family members, it really hurt.