New and Struggling

[pyxiwulf]

Hi, my name is Shelli and I'm a 30 yr old mother of two married to a wonderful man, and living in Virginia. I converted in 2000 after years of wanting to but never making the commitments that I needed to. Within a couple of years I fell inactive and made excuse after excuse for years. I've recently found my way back though friends and realizing my oldest is turning 8 soon and I was hurting her with my excuses.

So far it's been a struggle. My husband is agnostic and when we married, we agreed I would lead the home in matters of faith and that's held up, but it's hard. I feel like he's secretly rolling his eyes at me and as a result our home is not the "Mormon Home" I want it to be. For example, we have FHE weekly, but maybe one time out of 10 do we do a faith-based activity and we have never prayed before. I try to find time to sneak away to pray at night, but even that's hard. I remember my best friend growing up who really brought me into the church had nightly scripture with her family and they were so dedicated to it, that her mom would send her to the next town to pick me up each night to participate. My kids don't get this. And you'd think as a home schooling family this would be much less of a struggle

Add to this that my testimony is struggling, which I NEVER thought would happen. I had testimony of our beliefs as Mormons when I was a 6 year old girl in Catholic school attending mass 6x a week and had never heard of The Church. Testimony came easy to me, but now I feel more like I'm just going through the motions. Plus I love my ward, but I feel like an outsider. I try to attend nearly everything, only missing 1 or 2 things in the 4 months we've been back, even giving a talk at enrichment and trying to reach out to other women that expressed additional interest in the skill I talked about, but I just don't feel like I can break into the crowd. Oh and big coincidence, my bishop works with my dad who lives 60 miles away in another state. So I am having a very hard time feeling like I can talk to him due to some old background.

Anyway, that's why I googled for this forum and am glad to find it. Thanks for listening.

[citygirl]

It really takes time for you to be in the church again. I myself have been inactive for years..sometimes I would attend church sometimes not. But i never los my testimony for the church. Its just hard to get back when you have no friends. Yeah you can go alone but sometimes you need to have atleast someone who fully supports you in going to church, activities, etc. Have faith in Him, He will always make a way in the right time but you have to do your part.

[Dr T]

Welcome Pyxi :)

[RachelleDrew]

Your FHE's don't have to be faith-based. It's about sharing time together as a family, and if not everyone in your family is LDS then obviously you have to find something else that you can all share together.

I think sometimes we focus too much on being the "perfect mormon family". There is no one shining example of a good LDS home. Everybody's family is different.

[Misshalfway]

It sounds to me like you and your husband need to talk about some of these feelings. If he is indeed rolling his eyes, then he isn't standing by his promise to back you up on faith based decisions. If you are feeling ridiculed, that can't be good for the trust you feel or for the example you both are setting for your children.

Could you bring this up with your H and explain how you feel and then make it safe for honest responses from him? Once you validate each other, then you can move to negotiating some solution that may work better for the two of you. If he disagrees with what is happening, perhaps he could think of a kinder way of addressing it.

I think I agree with Racheldrew in that FHE's can be recreational and inclusive activities. But I think we shouldn't forget that the teaching of the gospel to children is to be done in the home first. We shouldn't rely on church only to make sure our kids have a solid understanding.

I don't know exactly what to say about how you are feeling about the church. Sounds like you are slipping into some isolation. What about talking to the RS pres? This isn't a worthiness issue. The bishop isn't needed. Perhaps the RS pres could adjust your callings so that you were more involved or so that social opportunities could be opened up for you. It is hard to be a part member family. I think you need some extra support. Are there other partmember families in your area? Maybe you need to make a friend with someone in the same boat.

And you know, maybe this is just another one of those spiritual down times for you. Your spiritual tank is low and you just need a good refill. Put your energies into the filling, instead of the worrying because you aren't full. :)

Edited July 2, 2009 by Misshalfway

[pyxiwulf]

Have faith in Him, He will always make a way in the right time but you have to do your part.

This is what I have been trying to hold to.

I think sometimes we focus too much on being the "perfect mormon family". There is no one shining example of a good LDS home. Everybody's family is different.

LOL, this is something I think I struggle with because my best friend and the only other member that I socialize with locally is the RS 2nd Counselor, her husband is EQ 1st Counselor, and they seem like the model mormon family. So that's the bar I see

It sounds to me like you and your husband need to talk about some of these feelings. If he is indeed rolling his eyes, then he isn't standing by his promise to back you up on faith based decisions. If you are feeling ridiculed, that can't be good for the trust you feel or for the example you both are setting for your children.

Could you bring this up with your H and explain how you feel and then make it safe for honest responses from him? Once you validate each other, then you can move to negotiating some solution that may work better for the two of you. If he disagrees with what is happening, perhaps he could think of a kinder way of addressing it.

I think I agree with Racheldrew in that FHE's can be recreational and inclusive activities. But I think we shouldn't forget that the teaching of the gospel to children is to be done in the home first. We shouldn't rely on church only to make sure our kids have a solid understanding.

I don't know exactly what to say about how you are feeling about the church. Sounds like you are slipping into some isolation. What about talking to the RS pres? This isn't a worthiness issue. The bishop isn't needed. Perhaps the RS pres could adjust your callings so that you were more involved or so that social opportunities could be opened up for you. It is hard to be a part member family. I think you need some extra support. Are there other partmember families in your area? Maybe you need to make a friend with someone in the same boat.

And you know, maybe this is just another one of those spiritual down times for you. Your spiritual tank is low and you just need a good refill. Put your energies into the filling, instead of the worrying because you aren't full.

We do need to talk about it, I think it's probably mostly my insecurity combined with the fact that I know internally he thinks all the stuff we do as mormons is unnecessary.

I would feel a lot less apprehensive about the FHE issue, if I was a lot better at making sure we did our religion curriculum during our school day.

Slipping into isolation is exactly what I am trying not to do, but I'm not doing such a good job. My best friend who we have standing appointments with 2x a week is really bearing the burden of keeping me from drowning and that's not fair to her. It's funny you mention adjusting callings, because I meant to mention in the post that I don't have any which I know is hurting. I wish I knew of any other part member families, but as far as I know there aren't.

This may not be a worthiness issue on the surface, but I do need to confess and I'm really having a hard time with the lay clergy thing. This is the first time that I've felt uncomfortable with it, but it's really hard for me to trust in confidentiality when he'll be at work with my dad in the morning. I'm sure it's the adversary, but I don't know how to get past that.

Thank you all for your words. They've given me something to chew on.