Dealing With Terminal Illness

[Winnie G]

Snows father in-laws passing made me ask myself a lot of things. Your incite would be appreciated.

I have struggled with this whole problem as Snows father in law’s family has with his wife’s father. Like Snow I would like some answers or at lest understanding.

My mother has dealt or not dealt with her illness, cancer and heath. She too has emphysema (was a smoker) but she does have a DNR but it has never been used by the doctors they can always “SAVE her”.

I called her when I returned from holidays (she called wile I was gone) she has been told the lung cancer is back. She was told that 7 years ago, she has been treated with chemo radiation and surgery, Colin cancer. They have even radiated her brain at one time!

They have said oops sorry we were wrong its not cancer of your lung or brain it could have been a stroke, now they say its back and a CT scan and biopsy of her pituitary gland was just done.

I know it sounds bad but I said “Well mom they have been nailing your coffin for 7 years now and your still here” she is again going for another ……… option.

Your right the system is so screwy. Her choice to live out her days with out all the help she could have had has been heaped on to us the family and is selfish.

She won’t walk with a cane or a walker or even a scooter chair. She’s NOT Old you see. She is only 79 and her brain says she is young so she won’t help her self, thinking some how she can stem the tied of old age in stead of embracing it.

I have learned and talked to my family about my wishes. 1 my husband and myself will make and pay ahead of time for our final arrangements. One phone call that’s all my children will have to do. Struggling with a terminal illness with dignity is the key, arrangements, arrangements. Arrangements.

I know it sounds awful for a child to pray for your parent to pass but how miserable and ill dose she have to be before she is called home?

My husband says HF does not want her yet she has more to learn. Humility is not a part of her personality, her never!

A friend not that long ago told me our mothers were alike, that some elderly women become bitter and selfish because they look back on their lives and see what they did not do instead of what they have done. They bowed under the presser of being the 50’s house wife like every one else and missed the freedom of the 60’s and all it could have been. That maybe true but all my life I was told by her to “be the glass half full kind of person” were she is know miserable ill and old and taking it out on every one who love her. What is it she is suppose to learn? Am I suppose to learn something? If it is not me then who is the hold out? My bothers or sister who is battling her own terminal illness with a heck of a lot more grace then our Mother is.

I remember my grandmother dieing with grace she was ill for a long time and she taught me so much. My mother has not spoken to HF since then saying her mother suffered and that aged her. She never suffered like my mother is now.

I pray to understand all this but it just seems to be there no answer’s just there to deal with ever day.

The thought that years from know I will understand it and clearly see it is what keeps me from going goofy over it. I have the gospel and that is my saving grace.

[StrawberryFields]

Winnie,

Reading your post I don't know which is worse.

My mom was diagnosed with Lung Cancer on February and she was gone in March of the same year. We had no time to come to grips that she had a terminal illness. We had no time to make a few special memories. Each day was spent to that which we thought would make her well. We were in shock and just going through the motions. Today I live with many I should have's and that to is hard. My mom was only 63 when she died and I think about her everyday. I think about all of the times she has missed out on being here for a special occasion.

I think that sometimes when someone has a terminal illness it isn't always the one sick who needs to do some learning...it can be for the benefit of someone close to them.

I am sorry you are struggling with this; it is difficulty to watch our loved ones suffer.

[Guest lt]

Strawberry....

My grandma "Mom" .....Because she raised me....went to the Eluthera with me in March after my graduation, we had a blast....In Aug two weeks before my wedding day my dad phoned, my gram's had went into the hospital telling jokes because she was coughing so... bad, she went into a coma and died a few days later " Lung Cancer" She never new and she had no life insurance......My dad covered most of it, the sale of her property took care of the bill and was split between the kids.....

Is anyone ever ready? even when there estate of affairs are?

[Winnie G]

There is A LOT of history with my mom she is not or was ever a happy woman.

There is a lot of reason my husband says the Lord does not want her yet.

To give you a idea, when I was 28 and was told I had cancer after a routine surgery my husband called my stepfather to brake the news I received a get well card wile I was still in the hospital saying what a grate way to ruin my birthday. I forgot her birthday when I went in to the hospital. Children’s aid called and asked for her to come on their dime to care for me, she refused, she had a busy life. Weeks later wile in bed in my dinning room being cared for by home care my mother walked in the front door. She had flown in a week before for a friends sons wedding. She visited an hour and never stayed to see her grandchildren after school.

Now I was and am a good daughter even with her lack of caring.

I decided I was no longer going to be her doormat this summer and this new news just makes me struggle as to how much someone has to take and if someone is going to learn something from all this I want them to learn it already!

[StrawberryFields]

Winnie, your last post really makes me think. Now that my mom is gone I seldom think about the times she hurt me and the same is true for my children. We think about her good qualities and the things she taught us. The last few years when my mom was alive I had done a lot of soul searching about why I was the way I was in certain areas of my life. I decided to de-toxify my life and get rid of many things that caused me to hurt inside. I decided to let go of things which I could not control. I decided to forgive. I learned that we can only good things according to the knowledge that we have. I believe that my mom did the best that she could based upon the knowledge that she had at the time. I believe that we are our own worst critics. I have no doubt that now my mom finally understands her devine worth. My only question is why it had to take her so long....

If we can't forgive others for their short comings then how can we expect to be forgiven?

[Lindy]

Originally posted by Strawberry Fields@Aug 9 2005, 10:08 PM

If we can't forgive others for their short comings then how can we expect to be forgiven?

One of those powerful statements that cuts to the core of the matter.

I remember a bishop saying to me almost the same thing.. that I needed to forgive a certain individual, because the hatred and loathing I had inside was keeping me from being the type of person I should, and needed to be.

It took me awhile to come to terms within myself...but I did forgive .... *didn't mean I forgot ..somethings you can never forget....

but the forgiveness was the more powerful force within me :)

*edited...just because

[Winnie G]

I have also given her the benefit of her knowledge at the time she raised me.

This forgiveness seems to be attacked by more heaping of mean and painful actions on her part.

I get to that point and it’s like my kindness is a poker in what makes her. Kindness returned with negative actions.

I am still trying to understand her at the same time protecting myself and my core family.

Her illness has fueled the fire.

I did write her a letter at the beginning of the summer laying it out that I would no longer take much of her verbal poison and she has stopped spewing hate filled remakes about my siblings and her sister when talking with her on the phone.

That was the best thing I have done in years with her.

I am always brought back to a time I visited the Temple in LA on a trip were I brought my worries to Heavenly father when I was in the Temple. When I left the temple my sister and I were driving through the gridlock and I was telling her about my visit to the Temple when the spirit bore to me the will of my father right there in gridlock. (My body was covered in goose bumps and it was 80’)

“Leave her to me Winnie” from that time on I have stopped trying to get my mother to understand the gospel. That was a flash point with her, my faith.

I know I will have to do her work after she is dead and I have fallowed that council to leave her to our father in heaven. I take it that story sounds odd Huh?

[Lindy]

Originally posted by Winnie G@Aug 10 2005, 08:50 AM

I am always brought back to a time I visited the Temple in LA on a trip were I brought my worries to Heavenly father when I was in the Temple. When I left the temple my sister and I were driving through the gridlock and I was telling her about my visit to the Temple when the spirit bore to me the will of my father right there in gridlock. (My body was covered in goose bumps and it was 80’)

“Leave her to me Winnie” from that time on I have stopped trying to get my mother to understand the gospel. That was a flash point with her, my faith.

I know I will have to do her work after she is dead and I have fallowed that council to leave her to our father in heaven. I take it that story sounds odd Huh?

I take it that story sounds odd Huh?

Not at all Winnie, not at all..... I'm sure that there are many who know and have experienced the same goose bumps.... :)

[StrawberryFields]

Winnie,

Thanks for sharing that with us it is a great story and one that can help us all. Just recently I was able to do my moms temple work and it was a beautiful experience that I will always treasure.

Among the meanness she delivers squeeze in a few meaningful hugs and pictures while you still can. You are a treasure of a daughter I am sure of that. :)