Need help and advice, please

[gwoods]

hi my name is Gordon. I joined the LDS church 30 yrs ago. i would like to tell you something that is probably the most important thing you'll ever hear: the church is true. I'll explain what makes that so important.

Is it good to be alone?

It seems that everyone, given the choice, wants companionship. In fact, the question posed by the title of this chapter brings to the heart of those that have given it sufficient thought, a dread ranking second to few other fears. In the arena of normal relationships being without a spouse is akin to the loneliness of solitary confinement. President Gordon B. Hinckley speaking of the doctrine of eternal marriage, the only permanent antidote for being alone, said: “I think that if we had the capacity to teach effectively this one doctrine, it would capture the interest of millions of husbands and wives who love one another and who love their children, but whose marriage is in effect only "until death do you part."

Marriage is universal, except in rare cases everyone marries. Most of us have no desire to be alone; we are not content except as a couple. Marriage is all-important and yet every wedding ceremony includes the statement: “until death do you part”? What does this termination clause mean and how did it become part of these legal contracts? Surely those that “love one another” will still be married after death?

Questions like these reflect the uneasiness of this great Christian mystery: why did God, in Genesis 2, declare; “It is not good that the man should be alone;” and then, during His mortal ministry, teach that men and women will not be married after the resurrection? For all that profess to be Christian, the following verses, from the bible, must be accepted as the Lord’s law regarding marriage.

Matt. 22:29 Jesus answered and said unto them, Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God. 30 For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.

Mark 12:25 For when they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angels which are in heaven.

Luke 20:34 And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage: 35 But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage:

When asked, “whose wife shall she be”, the Savior’s answer was that after the resurrection she wouldn’t be married to anyone. His answer, recorded three times in the New Testament, instituted what eventually became the termination cause, “until death do you part,” in marriage ceremonies.

There are some that “err, not knowing the scriptures,” who take it upon themselves to create a God, of their own design. They say, “God won’t separate my family because we love each other,” they are satisfied that marriage by earthly authority, in spite of these verses, will be recognized by the Lord. They are convinced that a loving God would never separate married couples that love each other.

Take a few minutes and ponder each of these questions:

o Have you ever felt concern about being alone forever?

From childhood, visions of future options revolved around one constant; marriage, plans fail, goals change but the intent to marry was never permanently cancelled. Marriage is never intended to be temporary, but even following the unhappiness of a divorce it once again finds its way back to the top of our priority list. In the book of Matthew we read: “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh;” only in marriage do we find that sense of being complete. All are born and grow to adulthood feeling that until they’re married they’re not quite whole.

o Do thoughts about your own future hinge on the dread of being alone?

In spite of the hard work, the challenges, and the occasional disappointments associated, even with good marriages, men and women devote their whole life to preserving these covenant relationships.

o Do these New Testament scriptures make being alone forever inevitable?

We all know older couples that, as they approach the end of their lives together, cling to each other for dear life. Because of their love for one another and the dread of being alone, they willingly expend all their combined resources to delay the inevitable separation.

o In the light of these questions, do you fear anything more than being alone …forever?

As members of the Lord’s church we often speak of going back to Heavenly Father’s presence. We talk and teach and think eternal marriage but we seldom even consider being eternally alone. We really have no way of knowing anything about living in the presence of exalted beings, nor do we have, even in the scriptures, a description of what a celestial world will look like but we all know from experience, what being alone feels like. It’s a terrible empty feeling that gets worse the longer it lasts.

These questions, included to provoke thought, when given sincere attention make one shudder at the very thought of the weeping inherent in being alone forever. They bring to mind this sobering realization: either my marriage is forever or it isn’t. Fortunately for mankind Jesus Christ redeemed us not only from death but also from the hell of being “alone”.

Along side the Lord’s law governing civil marriage, stands the biblical key to the doctrine of eternal marriage. Six days before the Savior took Peter, James, and John into a high mountain apart "and was transfigured before them” He promised Peter: “I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven”. Keys to bind; modern inspiration tells us that the keys of Melchizedek Priesthood ordinances were given to Peter, James, and John under the administration of the Savior, Moses, and Elias.

Even those that claim the authority held anciently by Saint Peter don’t profess possession of the power to perform marriages that will be valid beyond this mortal life. More questions: if marriage covenants are binding after death why then did Jesus teach that they weren’t, why is there a termination statement in all-wedding ceremonies, and why did the Lord deem it necessary to bestow the authority to “bind …in heaven”, upon His apostles? If the Lord truly values families and patriarchal lineage, which is really the theme of the Bible, then wouldn’t He, in spite of His New Testament teachings, provide a means to “bind” families together forever. Is there any way for our marriages here to be, “bound in heaven”? The answer is yes; the Savior was speaking of the power to “bind” in this life for the life to come. The authority to “bind on earth” is the priesthood authority given to the Mortal Messiah’s chief apostles to seal couples and their children together “in heaven.”

But, what of those that won’t believe the words spoken by the Lord, are they to be separated forever at death? The thought of marriages being dissolved seems harsh and unloving until we understand that the Lord in his love for mankind, by the power of the atonement, has restored the priesthood authority to, if accepted, seal husbands and wives together forever. Eternal marriage is an essential part of the Lord’s plan of salvation.

For the countless ages of our pre-mortal existence we were all separate single individuals. As we prepared for our mortal sojourn here on earth we must have anxiously looked forward to possessing this body and to the countless sensations associated with a physical existence. I submit that more than anything else we anticipated that great day when we could finally become a couple; when we would be flesh, not “twain, but one flesh.” We lived for millennia in the presence of our Heavenly father and other glorified beings of flesh and bone; we witnessed first hand an exalted existence and yearned to experience the “fullness of joy” we saw in their lives, and because we brought these pre-mortal longings with us; we came to earth, literally wired to be a couple. I would further submit that when we leave this life our desire for companionship will not only go with us, but because of our mortal experiences, it will now be stamped into our very being.

We came to earth with the promise that, if accepted, the Lord’s plan would allow us to return to his presence and spend eternity sealed to someone we love. The plan has never been to dissolve marriages between couples that love each other. From before time He has provided the means, in his Kingdom, for marriages to be eternal. However, if by choice, the plan with its associated covenants is rejected our fate is to return to the single separate pre-mortal condition we came from; in the mortal Christ’s own words: “they neither marry, nor are given in marriage”. He was speaking of anyone that has been married, in this earthly kingdom, by earthly authority only. The scriptures are clear that this “being alone” will be forever.

Modern scripture provides true doctrine about the consequences of marriages performed by earthly authority only. Note the correlation with the New Testament scriptures: ”therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he marry her not by me nor by my word, and he covenant with her so long as he is in the world and she with him, their covenant and marriage are not of force when they are dead… 16 Therefore, when they are out of the world they neither marry nor are given in marriage; but are appointed angels… 17 For these angels did not abide my law; therefore, they cannot be enlarged, but remain separately and singly, without exaltation… Joseph Fielding Smith interprets ancient and modern scripture, regarding marriage performed by earthly authority, with this warning: Unless young people who marry outside the temple speedily repent, they cut themselves off from exaltation in the celestial kingdom of God… …When they marry outside of the temple, they cut themselves off. If they are content with that kind of marriage outside, when they come forth in the resurrection, they have no claim upon each other, or their children upon them, and there will be weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. The Lord further decreed: "Except ye abide my law ye cannot attain to this glory"

Love for my wife, Christine, and my desire to spend eternity with her keeps the future in an eternal perspective. I think we could easily, in the verse, “it is not good that the man should be alone,” replace the words “not good” with the word, dreadful. I hope this dread, of a future without the love of my life, is part of the broken heart the Lord requires of me. Along with the prospect of being forever “alone” comes, sober contrition and an urgency to “do what ever it takes” to avoid it.

The Savior established Priesthood authority anciently and it has now been restored again to the earth. One of its purposes is to seal husbands and wives together forever. Like mankind in all previous dispensations, we are given choices. The choices are: a “fullness of joy” or to be “alone” forever, great care must be taken as these choices have eternal consequences.

So, is it good to be alone, forever? The answer, from an eternal perspective, is no. Can this being alone be avoided, forever? The answer, from an eternal perspective, is yes.

the bible speaks of this authority to be restored to the earth in the last days. if you're interested i'll show you where. good luck

[Prodigal_Son]

I feel that this is the right place to talk about it, honestly, and with people who will understand. She however is furious that I am getting advice from "strangers" and cross checking info she gives me. Maybe Im a jerk for that but I never accept just one source of information, I try to gather as many different viewpoints as possible, sort of a sanity check on myself

In a sense, she's been taking advice from "strangers" that has led to her conversion.

Are you coming across too defensive when you communicate with her? Is that why she's bothered/hostile about your reaction to her actions?

As for searching for multiple sources of info: that's wisdom. That said, however, when it comes to religion... well, it's easy to find lovers and haters, defenders and assassins of EVERY religion out there. So if you go looking for what's wrong with the Mormon church (or Catholic or Baptist, etc.), you'll find boatloads. Just remain unbiased and level-headed about the information you gather and you'll be able to sort through the extremes of both ends and come up with a pretty good feel for LDS theology - and how it affects its followers...

I don't know how religious you are personally, but the Savior taught, "ye shall know them by their fruits." While we are an imperfect people attempting to follow a perfect role-model, I believe that it would be a gross untruth to declare that the LDS faithful would qualify as anything other than good fruit.

Try to relax and really focus in on ensuring that your communication with your wife is as peaceful, loving, and caring as you can possibly make it as you sort through this new development in life.

[Prodigal_Son]

unfortunately she doesnt have many friends as neither of us are the most social of creatures

:lol: That'll all change. We're one big, happy, semi-dysfunctional, fairly goofy family that LIVES for doing stuff together!

[SGT_C]

Yes I probably do come across as defensive. Or many other things for that matter, I am just frantic over the pave that things are moving at, on top of which i still have a job to do here, I have soldiers going through a divorce, getting demoted, so my plate is really really full.

I try to ask her questions as tactfully as i can but somehow I always screw it up, its as if im only human or something :)

[Prodigal_Son]

I try to ask her questions as tactfully as i can but somehow I always screw it up, its as if im only human or something :)

Is there a possibility that emailing her your questions BEFORE the conversation would help? Giving time for her to ponder over and then respond - without knee-jerk reaction (as you sit on the other end, biting your knuckles to quietly listen to her answers)?

Just a thought...

[SGT_C]

how did you know i bite my knuckles and wait for answers? lol

i have tried the e-mail thing but it doesnt really change anything, i have to ask if she got it, then wind up asking the same things over again.

im trying to understand her side of it, i mean she is "alone" this year as i am

[hordak]

LOL You know Hordak, today i had the devious idea to re-enlist for someplace whacky and call it a "personal decision" but I thought better of it, but it sure was a fun thought for a sec.

I am active duty, I will try to find out if she is in a military ward but she will doubtlessly be very suspicious if i even ask that.

unfortunately she doesnt have many friends as neither of us are the most social of creatures

There you go, Volunteer for some crappy station;).You could join Scientology.

Seriously though i'm sorry to hear what your going through. I can imagine making such a big change without discussing it with my wife. And there isn't much you can do from your end except maybe have the 1st shirt drop by.

All i can say is good luck, and i hope the change isn't too drastic.

[somuchtogive]

Is it possible to be on guard duty with someone you met when you attended the LDS church services? Perhaps instead of letting things stew and drive you to distraction while you are on guard duty, you could have someone in which you could ask about their beliefs and share your concerns with. That way you have a constructive way to process your thoughts. Just a thought. Try to be constructive in your thinking.

Of course, if talking is not permitted while you are on guard duty this wouldn't be advised. If the above is not appropriate, ask one of the LDS members if you can bounce off your questions and concerns with him frequently at other times.

Also...I know if I think about stressful things way too much and doubt things way too much I become negative, pessimistic, and become stuck or spiral down. Mole hills become mountains and I find I have created a situation that is a lot bigger than what it is. My advice would be to choose to be constructive in your thoughts drive doubts away (i.e. thoughts that this will lead to divorce, etc.). You will feel much more settled about things.

Perhaps the thing that may be of most benefit to you is to start seeking a relationship with God. Try really reading the Book of Mormon with a sincere heart and real intent. Give it a really good read (at least 100 pages). I think you will find a strength and peace that will help you in your current situation that doesn't negate your wife and will help you sift through the concerns you currently have. Just a suggestion.

I think you can still regard your wife as your soulmate even if you don't feel as though she consulted you like you would have liked about her decision. I can understand the hurt you would feel. You should share that with her. I don't foresee this being a wedge in your marriage unless you let it.

My Dad was the most amazing man. He did whatever he could to make my mother happy. He loved her and trusted her. She did the same with him. There were the odd occasion that they would disagree but my Dad always lived by the motto: It is more important to do the right thing than to be right. He always did what he could to make my mother happy. He always put her first. They are soul mates and have an awesome marriage. It takes sacrifice and a willingness to make each other happy. My Dad was and is incredibly unselfish. I have so much love and respect for him. Your daughters will too as you trust in your wife. She seems like she is a level-headed lady who truly loves you. I think you are a lucky man. I think she also thinks the same of you.

Try not to let your mind over process this whole thing. We don't always have all the answers to the future. Sometimes we have to live by faith. I have so much admiration for you for what you have already done seeking for information.

You are doing a great job out there serving. I am guessing it is not easy mentally, physically, or emotionally but you have my full support. Thanks for serving!

[talisyn]

The garments are not the sexiest things in the world, I totally agree. But before you decide your lovely wife is about to become a nun please remember that LDS families tend to be very large. See what I'm trying to get at?

[rameumptom]

SGT_C,

One thing that will help you in this problem and in many of the problems you are dealing with out in the field is: don't sweat the small stuff.

The second part of it is: most of it is small stuff.

Will you both have some adapting to do? Of course. But use a sense of humor and you'll do fine.

She's joining a major church, the 4th largest in the United States. She's asking for a little support and understanding while she does this. She is not asking you to hold her rattlesnakes while she writhes around the ground, chanting in some unknown language. (Honestly, we don't do those things).

Let her know that you support her, and ask her to be a bit patient as you adapt to the changes. She'll appreciate your support, and you'll see her become a better wife over it.

As for her being lonely, the Church is truly one big family. I spent 20 years in the Air Force, living in a lot of places, including South Korea. Wherever I went, the LDS members were family to me. They befriended me, helped me when I was lonely, helped me stay sane, and helped me be a better person. I think that for both you and your wife, having such good friends (whether you join the Church or not), will be a big benefit.