Struggling...

[Tarnished]

From my experience, I told my husband details when he asked for them. I warned him each time that what I would say might hurt him more and that I did not want to do that to him. I think getting the details helped him. But as I said, I didn’t tell him unless he asked. When it came to my bishop I told him about the affair and then left it in his hands, he didn’t want to know in depth details. He just wanted to know the basics, is the man a member of the church, how many times, how far did you go.

My personal advice, be honest with your husband, no matter what else you do, be honest. Your husband has just been told something that most likely caused him to loose all trust in you. Lying to him about it will do nothing to rebuild that trust. The best way for you to rebuild that trust is for you to be as honest as possible with him.

Also get into counseling if possible, have a marriage counselor and possibly a counselor for him. He will need someone to vent to, someone he can vent all the emotions that are going on with him right now. It can’t be you, and it shouldn’t be you, but he will need someone. A counselor, preferably a church counselor would be good for him.

Repenting from adultery is a difficult thing, but it is worth it. Stay strong and keep your hope up.

[Aussie]

im not a counsellor. i dont know if my advice is right or wrong- only what worked for me

in short it was with other people while i was on my mission. so no we didn't have kids or marriage but it meant no virgin bride either. so while its 1 portion of breaking any vow that you guys aer wronged again, hurt is hurt you know. hurt is frikkin hurt. and i felt that hurt for a long time

15 or so years "later" im glad i dont know the details. i did at the time want them, i needed more information to help me cope, hoping somethign i'd hear would help, help add context, heal my pain.

but it woudlnt it, it couldnt have. i also destroyed some things i regret i did as well, thinking they were part of him/ them/ that part of her life. i wish we still had those journals and things cos we threw the baby out with the bathwater there

i know she bears scars too. theres things she hasn't told me. i told her i dont want to know,. i really really dont want to. if it means she has to live with some things she'd rather get off her chest- go tell the bishop not me.

does that mean our relationship isn't full, complete, deep. probably. we have secrets and we want it that way.

so if a wife does this, well i say there s gonna be some things SHE thinks might help alleviate her pains if she shares with her husband, but will they help him, or is it just more pictures for his already working overtime imagination

the only thing that got me through was my older brothers (both who i assume had been in realtionships where there was infidelity) said "bro, if it were you, could you have done that?". i paused, thought, said yeah, absolutely. they said well pull your head in and get on with it. you either are this christian you thought you were or you aren't. you either do believe in forgiveness or you dont.

of course it was not as easy as that, but it was what got me through it.

like i say, time helps, doesnt fully heal. but there are too many shared moments and experiences of us together for things

i accept my pain was not a broken marriage vow. i accept it is comparatively insignificant/ but i know the pain. i understand a person who says there is something in my head that really hurts me and i want it to go away but it just wont.

i am here to say it does. it sucks. it really really sucks. but it does

also, kids, they are the victims. if we put it bluntly she just f***ed up. sorry to put it so bluntly but i feel that is in context to this and there is no other word that so fully describes it. she really did - up. but all she did to you was screw a guy, maybe a lot of times. and now she feels worse for it and she and they are the bigger victim than you. get over it and help the kids through it too. if they need to know- whcih is moot. if my old lady did i'd not want to know

some people here had a youth of awful abuse. thats not to minimise our pains in infidelity, but its just to say sometimes we have to get over ourslves. big frikkin deal. she screwed a guy. 50% of the people on this planet probably there consider that a lifestyle choice.

there are some amongst us who as kids or had kids were_really_betrayed, or who have a partner into kiddie porn etc and would only wish that the most of their pains were a cheating husband or wife

hang tough and get on with it

[ttribe]

I know I did something wrong. I know I committed an unforgivable sin.

This is incorrect. My guess is that you are incapable of actually committing the only truly "unforgivable" sin. Everything you have done is covered by the Atonement.

[annamaureen]

I know Dr Laura (she is not God, I know, but she understands men pretty well) is never for adding the salty details of an affair.

Personally, I wouldn't take too much advice from Dr Laura, considering she's had affairs herself and doesn't practice what she preaches.