To stay in grad school or not

[mavreenrose]

Last year I asked for advice whether to pursue grad school or not and I've had various insights from this site.. I truly appreciate them..And I am also grateful for the relationship advice and support and comfort I got...

Once again, I turn to you..hoping that maybe hearing some of your thoughts will help me as I make crucial decisions..

I just went through a break up. It was painful and I was blindsided. I never saw the break up coming. (I posted a blog about this -- The worst 48 hours).

Anyway, my ex and I recently talked and I now understand (somehow) why he broke up with me. I have to admit that at first my feelings of rejection overpowered me so as to question whether he ever truly loved me. The only reason he gave me was that the distance was hurting him. He is in Hawaii and I am in Texas. But when we talked, I believed in his sincerity. He just wasn't made for long distance relationships. I cannot fault him that. We were well aware of the risks associated with a long distance relationship before we got into this, but I guess he never realized it would hurt him so.

You see, he is graduating soon..and will be home bound in 2 months while I have years of grad school ahead of me. We did talk about marriage. He seemed intent in marrying me. He considered his options but if we get married he will be my dependent and thus cannot secure a living (We're both international students). He tells me he doesn't want me to quit grad school because these are my dreams..my family's dreams for me. He said he feels like things aren't falling into place for us and that we should wait. I wish we both handled it better. But we already broke up. I am trying hard to deal with it. He said he's still in love with me but he doesn't want a long distance relationship anymore. I asked him that if I pass by Hawaii on my way home for a break, if he would see me. He said he's scared to face me..and joked that we might get married at the temple in a rush. He said he actually planned to see me before he left for home.

To be honest, I can do away with grad school. When I left my country, I had a good paying job which I'm pretty sure I can acquire again. I am confident in my abilities in finding a job. I left because I was searching for something -- a sense of purpose..and grad school felt like a "productive thing" to do. Still, I place greater value on marriage and family.

In a way I feel like this break up had to happen.. I realized that I truly do love him. But right now, I'm asking myself if he is worth all this.. if he truly does love me as he says he does and part of me believes that he loves me.. Still there's this nagging thought -- if he loved me, then why did he break up with me just like that? I guess i still have very strong feelings of rejection.. I don't know..

Now i really am wondering what I should do..I am not totally unhappy with grad school. I am struggling but i feel like I can make it through. Yet I feel like if this is stopping me from my "happily ever after", then I can give it up and not think twice. Though now I am unsure how to proceed. Though he says he loves me, I am asking myself is there something worth fighting for at all? I feel like he wants me to make my own decisions without him influencing it, because I feel like if he asked me again to marry him, I will in a heartbeat and I'll say goodbye to grad school just like that. But maybe this is just some romantic notion in my head.

I need your prayers and insights please. I am confused whether to stay in my program or what. Somehow my feelings of loneliness is overpowering me these days as well. I miss my family back home. And I am wondering if working on my PhD is worth all this trouble..Add to that the loss of what could have been an eternal marriage.

Am I just struggling with my emotions? Or is there something substantial here that is worth fighting for?

[MisterT]

The truest form of love is sacrifice.

Your family loves you so much that they have sacrificed what they have to help you with your education; you love them and what they've done for you enough to sacrifice your time with them to achieve the education which will enrich your life and those of your family, future children, and posterity throughout all generations and time.

It is my opinion that if you do not finish graduate school you will regret it for the rest of your life, and those regrets can hurt future relationships and leave you with depressed feelings.

Were he the man you were to marry, and his children yours to bear, he would sacrifice for you to finish school, or he would move to where you are.

I think, and this is just my opinion, that if you finish graduate school you will be made confident in yourself and any future relationships will be blessed by your confidence and strength.

I too know what it is to be 'dumped' suddenly; my wife of 12 years just up and disappeared with our 4 children one day, and I've never gotten an answer as to why. I felt hurt, betrayed, lonely, and piteous. Its been 2 years and I still hurt, but I do hope that someday I'll find love again.

Just tough it out and know that we all love you; your family loves you, and your Heavenly Father loves you. Abide by the precepts of the church and you'll get through this and someday you'll find that man who will take you through the Temple and whom will be your eternal companion.

[Nelly]

The truest form of love is sacrifice.

Your family loves you so much that they have sacrificed what they have to help you with your education; you love them and what they've done for you enough to sacrifice your time with them to achieve the education which will enrich your life and those of your family, future children, and posterity throughout all generations and time.

It is my opinion that if you do not finish graduate school you will regret it for the rest of your life, and those regrets can hurt future relationships and leave you with depressed feelings.

Were he the man you were to marry, and his children yours to bear, he would sacrifice for you to finish school, or he would move to where you are.

I think, and this is just my opinion, that if you finish graduate school you will be made confident in yourself and any future relationships will be blessed by your confidence and strength.

I agree with MisterT, the truest form of love is sacrifice. It's really your decision of what to do for yourself, nobody else can decide for you but yourself. If it was me, I would finish graduate school. A lot of couples that get married do still go to school and is somewhat dependent on their spouse. They are there to support you as well, and if he wants to help support you through it then let him.

It just seems a lot of it has to doing with timing, what if you did quit grad school but you two didn't end up together? Would you regret the decision of not finishing grad school?

I kind of felt like this as well [somewhat]. I felt like if I went to college and got my degree and went on to Medical school my boyfriend and I would never have time to ever get married or end up together... but to my surprise he said he would be there to support me because that's what I want to do with my life and that's what is going to make me happy. Now I'm just waiting for the right timing.

There's always a way to work it out with him in another way if you go to grad school. It's not going to stop you from having your 'happily ever after'. I believe it's all about timing, but if he really does want you stay in grad school because its your dream he should be there to support you throughout it all and he shouldn't make it a option between him or you finishing grad school.

If the long distance is really killing him and he wants to be with you badly, I'm sure he'll figure out a way to be patient to be with you, or he'll find a way to end up where you are so you two can spend the rest of your lives together.

I say pray about it, and don't let no-one else decide for you but yourself. Think of what you want for yourself and what you think will work out in the end the best.

Sorry I'm not much help. That's what I would do :). Hope it all goes well!

[mavreenrose]

Thanks MrT and Nelly...

He actually took himself out of the equation so I can decide for myself what it is i want to do... He loves me enough to support my dreams..He actually said the same thing..about timing..Sigh.. We were talking about options as to him moving here to be with me..He wants to do that but it seems like he doesn't have a lot of options as his scholarship requires him to go home..He has feelings of inadequacy as well..He says his grades are not good enough for grad school or an optional practical training that will allow him to stay in the US for a bit longer.

I just feel like the easiest way for me is just to go home as well. I want to be with him. And when I look at my life's plan I feel like I won't regret not finishing grad school..Maybe I'm letting my emotions rule over my head.. I'm sorry..

But thank you.. You did give me things to think about..

[MisterT]

You WILL regret not finishing what you've started; regardless if you use the degree or not. You'll always have that question of "what if?" in the back of your mind.

[Nelly]

Going home is easy, but is quitting what you've started going to help you feel any better? It's a good thing he took himself out of the equation. Think about what you've worked for so far and how hard it was for you to get there.

Maybe there will be a good reason why you finished as well besides just getting a degree. You never know what kind of experiences you could miss out on.

I would regret it if I didn't go to grad school if I started. I don't like making decisions that make me wonder "what if" as MisterT says. It makes you worry if you did make the correct decision in the end.

If something is meant to be; give it time and let it happen.

Edited April 6, 2010 by Nelly
quotes.

[hordak]

You WILL regret not finishing what you've started; regardless if you use the degree or not. You'll always have that question of "what if?" in the back of your mind.

I pity the foo who doesn't listen to MrT:thumbsup:

[mavreenrose]

If something is meant to be; give it time and let it happen.

I actually have similar thoughts.. and he feels that way too. To just wait. To let go and let God.

But it's a struggle for me. I feel like I'm on to something great..and now it eludes me again. I trust in the Lord's divine design for my life. But it's hard at this time when I don't "see the end from the beginning". I feel like the Lord wants to teach me something..

I actually have several affirmations a week after the break up that this is where I'm supposed to be. I guess I'm just working through my emotions...

My friends think I'm crazy for thinking of giving up on grad school. It is taxing but I somehow manage to survive. It's just now that I'm beginning to question things.. In the grand scheme of things, what is it really that i'm working for?

Eternal perspective. On one count, I feel like he is the one for me and he says he feels the same way. But things aren't falling into place. Hence I feel like there must be something I can do. Maybe I am being impatient..

It is hard waiting on the Lord..

Please pray for me that I might have strength and enough faith to get through this.. I'm waiting till the semester ends..and then I will go home.. For a bit at least..maybe I can find some clarity..

Because truth is.. I don't feel a reason for me to stay in grad school...

[Nelly]

Well what was the reason you went to grad school in first place? Did you want it in the first place?

Yes a lot of emotion happens after a break-up that is really serious. I think I understand where you're coming from. You probably feel emotional about if it's your fault why most things can't happen how you and him want it to happen because of where you are located and you're still in grad school.

I will pray for you and I hope that you will be able to figure out what you think will be best for yourself :).

[mavreenrose]

Hmmm.. That's a good question..

Maybe a recap of what brought me here is necessary.. Although, I think I posted it in an earlier thread when I was deciding whether to go or not...

Hey, Nelly.. Thanks for asking me about this.. I'm beginning to realize now that a lot of my decisions have been influenced by a boy, whether he intended to or not.. Here's my story..

Last 2007, I was already doing my masters while I was working for the bank. I was doing my masters because it seemed like the "productive thing" to do. It gave me a sense of fulfillment -- like I was actually doing something with my life. I was living the life -- I magnified my calling as the Stake Primary President (even if I was a single gal), had a well paying job as an assistant manager and I loved the people I worked with, and I was home with my family after living in dorms for most of my student life. I was waiting for my missionary boyfriend. Life was good.

And then 2008 he came home. We talked about marriage and I was filled with this sense of dread. Our plans were supposed to be for when after he graduates which was two years from that. But, I was in love and I believed that we could work it out. So we began mapping out what we ought to do. You see, I was pretty sure my father will question the practicality of that decision. We agreed that we will both work hard and save enough. I quit my masters program to show him that I wanted the relationship to work. It was a long distance relationship (see the pattern?) and he can only visit me weekends. Anyway, it came to a point when I was the only one working hard for the relationship. He quit his job and wouldn't find a new one no matter how i pleaded with him. That did not sit well with my mother at all. My mother was furious because she doesn't want me to be the sole breadwinner if ever I married my bf then ( She was right.. And yes, I could be pretty dumb). Anyway, I discussed with her an option which I felt would be more agreeable to her -- get married, go to school together, work together. My boyfriend then was planning to attend BYUH -- he was finishing his undergrad. I sent in my application to BYU Provo -- I was going to grad school. I was thinking it will all work out somehow. Anyway, we broke up soon after because it came to a point when the relationship was unhealthy. I couldn't be with someone who gave me little value. He had plans but didn't really see them through. While I built my life so hard to fit his plans, he kept changing plans with no regard for me at all.

Anyway, he got accepted but decided he wasn't going. (I got accepted too but I decided to go to a different university as the school where I am now has better research.) Anyway, by the time our acceptance letters arrived we have already broken up by then.

Anyway, I had the opportunity for grad school and I had a stable job. But then after almost 4 years at the bank, I was feeling restless. I didn't see myself being in the bank forever. I have always loved my first job -- teaching Chemistry to undergrads. And I majored in chemistry, not banking and finance. So I thought, hey, a PhD would help me get a better paying job doing what I love doing. So off I went to grad school. That was the objective. A PhD at a world class institution so when I go back home I can teach college chemistry.

Anyway, that's what brought me here.

I didn't foresee falling in love when I came here. I thought, if it happens it will happen. But I did. And I feel like I have found the one. Hence, this dilemma.

Sigh. I am such a girl.

[Nelly]

The things we do for guys huh?

I think you should do what makes you happy. (and that seems like teaching Chemistry to undergrads) is what makes you happy.

I try not to fit my plans around a guy if he isn't trying to fit his plans around me as well. There comes to a point where both people in the relationship need to work at it except just one. That's where a lot of them fail. It sounds like he became comfortable with the idea of breaking plans off or not following through making you trying to figure it out or changing all your plans which made much more of an effect towards yourself than him.

He should of at least tried, it seems like he didn't really care after a certain point.

I guess it's best to do what's best for yourself. Maybe you should finish grad school and go on to teaching Chemistry to undergrads wherever it takes you to. Maybe you'll find a guy who will fit

you into his plans or has a place for you to be in his life and make sure you are aware of what

his plans are.

Who knows. It might be best to move on him and find someone who is ready to be committed

to you and a relationship.

[mavreenrose]

The things we do for guys huh?

Maybe you'll find a guy who will fit

you into his plans or has a place for you to be in his life and make sure you are aware of what

his plans are.

Who knows. It might be best to move on him and find someone who is ready to be committed

to you and a relationship.

Thanks, Nelly.. I really liked what you said.. This reminds me of "The Plan" -- it was a set of email exchanges between me and the guy who just broke up with me.. In it, were the things that we were aiming for.. And now they are just promises that were broken. I really thought I had it. Apparently not.

I pray that I will find someone who will fit me in his plans.. and committed to see me through..

Sigh.

[Nelly]

you will find someone :) they just have to find you don't give up =) just focus on school and stuff it will come all together =)

[MisterT]

...I pray that I will find someone who will fit me in his plans.. and committed to see me through..

Sigh.

Hey, I'm always looking for the future ex-MrsT... :)

[Nelly]

Hey, I'm always looking for the future ex-MrsT... :)

Lol. Make sure she's a keeper MisterT .