Explanation Needed?

[PV2004]

Before I jump into my question I must give you a little background of my situation. My wife left me a litte more than 3 weeks ago (easter weekend). The whole story behind our marriage is too long to tell (involves my wife suffering from bipolar or depression, but never confirmed by a doctor), but for her the final straw was when she stopped believing in the church back in January. Soon thereafter she decided that should could not remain in a "Mormon Marriage" and decided that she wanted a seperation and would leave to Utah when she found a job. For those paying attention, I thought it was ironic as well that she stopped believing in church but wanted to move back to Utah. She had cousins there. Our marriage was on the rocks at his point and so divorce would have been so easy. At times I think I wanted it. However, I knew that we were sealed in the temple and I took that seriously. I felt that even if she didn't believe in the church we could still make it work. We just had to respect each other and both work on it. So I told her that it didn't matter if she didn't believed in the church any more or not I wanted to try and work things out . I knew that the journey ahead would be hard, but I knew it was the right thing to do. In end she left me and my two children (two daughters 2.5 and 4.5). I told myself that I am not going to be mad or bitter. She made a choice and she will have to live with the consequences. I would just like to move on.

As for my question, now that people in my ward are finding out about our seperation and as I talk to people about it, I feel (probably self imposed) that I have to explain what happened. I am affraid that if I don't people will put the blame on me for the seperation and say "What did he do wrong?" I probably feel like this because I am guilting of thinking the same thing of other people who are divorced. The funny thing is that wife had been divorced before we were married. I never really talked to her about it much, but just asked what happened. I just wanted to know if it was something she had done (looking for red flags) or if it was due to her x-husband. Am I the only one that thinks this way or do others? As for my question, is there any explanation needed when I talk to people about our seperation or should I not say anything at all?

A second question I have is, is being sealed in the temple a good enough reason to stay together even when the marriage is on the rocks? The reason why I ask is because I felt it was. I thought we both may not love each as much as we should and we both may want a seperation because that is the easy way out, but because we were sealed in the temple we need to stick it out and try and work it out. There was no physical or any type of abuse in the marriage, no serious sin (ie pornography or anything like that), just two people having a difficult time getting along and I felt if love failed in the marriage we should still honor our temple covenants and try and work it out. Unfortunately, my wife didn't see it that way. She felt if there wasn't love nothing else mattered, even if we were sealed. Am I off my rocker for thinking that even if love fails a couple should try and stick it out and make it work if they are sealed (baring any type of abuse or serious sins)? I guess my exmple for this is my sister. Her husband and her were having a difficult time in their marriage and she said even in that difficult time they told each other no matter what happened they would not get a divorce. They would make it work and they did.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[mightynancy]

You don't owe anyone an explanation. If people want to speculate, that's their flaw, not yours. :) Also, if you do end up working things out in the future, you don't want anyone to hold your wife's current behavior against her...they don't need to know about it. You may want to come up with something to say that is neutral but also closes the door to further questions on the topic. That way you're ready, and not caught off guard and saying things you'd rather not.

I do think that, barring the breaking of a covenant, it's good to try to work things through and stick together. That said, you can't control someone else's behavior, and if they break their vows of marriage, you are no longer responsible for maintaining yours.

Best wishes to you - I hope you find peace and a healthy resolution to your troubles.

[john doe]

Why do you care about what others think about your situation so much? If any of them knew your wife they probably suspected that she had issues anyway, unless she was an expert at hiding them. My experience with bipolars and depressed people is that their condition is usually not hidden from outsiders, those who pay attention can spot the signs.

As to your other question, you can't force someone to stay married or committed to you or the relationship. If they want out, they will opt out. All you can do is be the best kind of spouse you can be. If they decide to leave, then that's their decision, as painful as it is.

[rameumptom]

Focus on what is best for your children. Spreading info about your wife's issues will not help them.

Usually it is best to try and keep the marriage intact, if for no other reason, for the kids. That said, if arguing and abuse are going on, then it is better to separate and give the kids the best life they can possibly have.

Focus on your children. They are the real victims here. They need your full support, to help them make sense of everything. It is possible they blame themselves for the separation. Help them to heal, and in doing so, you will also begin to heal.

If for no other reason, having the sealing intact means your children are sealed to you for all eternity. That is a very wonderful thing.

[dizzysmiles]

You can bluntly say: "Thanks for your concern, but I am going to keep that personal" unless you need the comfort from a close friend of family member. Don't be surprised if she tries to come back due to bioploar and the kids she left behind (I'm not saying tht in a good way) I honestly think the "D" word is ok in two reasons:1. If there is abuse, 2. IF the person isn't willing to change. There has been emotional infidelity in my marriage, but we take each other back when one is repentant. If the person wasn't willing to change and kept doing it then there is nothing in your power to change them. So in your marriage you did everything you could, she wasn't willing to change, and you can only change yourself. I am sorry for your hardships. Hug those kids everyday!

[dizzysmiles]

A second question I have is, is being sealed in the temple a good enough reason to stay together even when the marriage is on the rocks?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

p.s Marriage isn't just GOOD all the time. the hard times will hit. YOu have to remember why you fell in love with the person AND COntinue to fall in love MULTIPLE times. THere is a HUGE difference from LUST and LOVE. PEople who want LUST all the time will be getting divorce multiple times when the lust runs out and will never fully be satisfied. I think you are 100% justified in thinking you work at it.

[Roseslipper]

I agree it is no ones business. You shouldnt tell others what went on. Sorry for your heart break.