PV2004

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  1. PV2004

    Once great marriage now more like a domestic partnership

    I have not had a chance to read all the replies so I am not sure if someone has said what I am about to say but here are my two cents. First, in regards to your wife taking everything personally I can feel you pain and frustration. Unfortunately I found that to be the case with my x-wife. She took, not everything, but a lot of things personally and it sounds like she reacted similarly to your wife. I found it difficult to talk to her about sensitive subjects and that she held on to the hurt for long periods of time. She even had a hard time forgiving me for things (I didn't do anything serious or anything like that, but rather I may have been joking around or something and all of a sudden I hit a sensitive subject and she would get upset with me and couldn't forgive me for the comment, which was never meant to hurt her) Anyway, I digress. It got to a point where I had to watch my words and how I talked to her because if I didn't phrase things correctly she could get upset. In the end, I believe she was very insecure with who she was and therefore took a lot of things personally. I won't go into details because it will take too long but after our seperation, I told her she needed to get help because she may have biopolar. She had been preliminarily diagnost with biopolar but never went through all the testing. Anyway I told she should go in and get tested. Well she did and the specialist came back and said she didn't suffer from bipolar but rather that she didn't know who she was, what she wanted, and was a people pleaser. Again there is too much to go into but it made sense to me. If she didn't know who she was and was insecure with herself, if someone commented on something she did, she would react to it for good or bad,even if the person making the comment had no intention of hurting her. In other words her feelings at any given time were always dependent on the feedback she got from others rather than someting more solid. If someone knows, I mean really knows, they are a child of God that persons happiness comes more from that knowledge rather than what others thing of them. A great example of that is the book "You Are Special" but Max Lucado. It is a kids book but teaches a powerful lesson. There are definitly other reason why she could take things personally, but I honest believe that if someone is offended by a comment most of the time that person is probably insecure with themselves in regards to that topic / comment. Try giving her positive feedback in regards to things she does well. Tell her the great qualities she has and help build her up. My question to you is did she have a rough time growing up, did her parents support her, had she had a lot of negative feedback in the past? That was the case with my x and that is why she never really had a firm foundation of who she was. Second, in regards to the sexless marage. My guess is that may not necessirally be you but she may have other issues, depression, stress from the kids, etc she is dealing with. Try and find that and help her deal with it. You need to remember though and acknowledge that what turns you on doesn't necessarially turn her on. She will more likely get turn on acts of kindness toward her or the family (helping out with the dishes, kids, and so on). Anyway I am not expert so I won't go into much more but I do want to say one other thing on this. I can't remember where I read it but it was an article on sex in marriage. Basically the article was about a couple and how they had a strong sex life in their marriage. The couple said they realized and acknowledged that sometimes the husband may be in the mood and the wife wasn't, or the wife was in the mood and the husband wasn't, or they both were in the mood. The thing that really stood out to me was their reactions to when one was in the mood and the other wasn't. The wife said she sometimes she came home from a long days work and really wasn't in the mood for sex and her husband was. She said in those times instead of arguing about it, she would tell her husband she wasn't in the mood and wouldn't be into that much but basically said let's have sex and you do all the work! Sometimes the tables were turned and the husband had the same reaction and let his wife do all the work. In the end though they helped each other with their sexual needs and realized that sometime the other person is just not going to be into that much. I know this isn't the same as your case but my point is you need to stop thinking about what you "thought" you sex life would be like and start acknowledging that people are different sexually and have different sexual needs. My belief is that to have a secessful sexual life in marriage you must address these differences and realize it is not necessarially personal when someone is not in the mood but inherent differences. Like most have said, I would recommend looking for help, ie bishop, counselors and so on. Good luck.
  2. OK I have a good story. Not about me but about a friend. To make a long story short, basically the friend and his then to be future wife, knew they were should get married before they even went on a first date!!! Basically this story goes like this. My friend had made some poor choices in his teenage years and didn't go on a mission at 19. He was kind of inactive. Later on (he was in his mid to late 20s) he got active and decided to go on a mission. He was old enough though that he was going to need special permission to go on the mission. Anyway, he had gotten everything squared away, was worth and ready to go and had the special permission he need to submit his papers. He told me he kneeled down one night to say prayers and he rememberd his patriartical blessing, which basically said when the time is right you will know who to marry and then a particular sister in the singles ward came to mind. Well, he thought about this and couldn't get it off of his mind. He started to think that maybe he wasn't suppose to go on a mission. Well, one Sunday he sees the sister, that had came to his mind during his pray, in passing and he decides to ask her out. Before then they never really hung out or anything, but knew who each other were. She says yes and heads out to her car. Well, after she leaves the building he thinks to himself that he needs to tell her and goes out to the parking lot to find her. He found her and basically told her that he thought they were supposed to get married and asked her to go and pray about it. She said OK and went to the temple that week and prayed about it. Low and behold, she gets her answers and tells him that he was right and that they should get married!!!!!! Then they went out on their first date!!!!! You may not believe me but he told me this with his wife standing right next to him and she confirmed the whole thing!!!!! If that isn't crazy I don't know what is
  3. PV2004

    I deserve better - Rant

    In the end, after reading a number of your comments, and have taken the time to think about why I am bugged about my friends comment (not offended which is different but I won't go into) I realized I don't really have an issue so much with the comment "I deserve better than that,". I can agree that a lot of people deserve better than what they currently have. I realized anyone could say it and I probably wouldn't care because that is their issue not mine. I think the thing that bugs me is person who made the comment. I don't expect you to understand that, because you don't know all the facts to the situation. But it bugged me that such a person would make a comment like that when I know the pesons history and the decisions they have made in life, of which I didn't always agree with. It is hard for me to hear her say "I deserve better than that." when I see that she was not willing to fight or make the sacrifice for what she had ( at least in my opinion). In the end, I believe she took the easy way out of a particular situation and now wants to be rewarded "With something better." In my mind I found it somewhat hypicritical of the person. Again I don't expect you to necessarially understand that. Also I admit most of you are probably right, I shouldn't let this bother me, so I am going to let it go. It is not worth the brain power to think about it. It doesn't effect me. It is her life. In the end I shouldn't really have an issue with it, because I am making a judgement on her life and the decisions she made when I probably shouldn't. In the end I don't have to agree with her, but I have to respect her right to chose.
  4. PV2004

    I deserve better - Rant

    skippy740 said it best. Her standards have nothing to do with it. Her choice words is the issue. Dravin - You make me laugh. You are trying to nit pick and start an arguement that isn't even there. You are just like my brother who tries to do the same thing. You pick out words and phrases and then twist them around. My brother did the same thing when he tried to argue. I have even used that tactic before as well. So I am not going to get drawn in. You fail to see the big picture.
  5. PV2004

    I deserve better - Rant

    Dravin I think you are misunderstanding what I am saying. by standards I am saying / meaning the qualities she is looking for in a husband. She is definitely looking for someone who is active in the church. Just becuase someone isn't active in the church doesn't make him substandard, it just means he does not possess the qualities she is looking for. I personally believe that it doesn't make him less of a man or anything like that. I believe by her saying "I deserve better than that" she is making him sound substandard. that is why I don't like that comment. I am also saying if she is looking for someone who is active in the church she shouldn't give that up. She shouldn't settle. Again I am not implying that someone who is not active in the church is less of a person. I am just saying that such a person just doesn't meet my friends criterial for a future husband and therefore she shouldn't date him. that is why I say it would have been different if my friend had said "we are just not a good fit." She wouldn't have been putting him down, but also would be acknowledging that there are difference between them (active and not active) that she isn't looking for in a future husband.
  6. PV2004

    I deserve better - Rant

    OK this has been bugging me all day and so maybe I just need to get this out. So a friend stopped by last night and we started to talk. She started talking about her single life situation and a guy who was interested in her. She said the guy wasn't active in the church and so on. Then she made the comment that she would never date the guy because "I deserves better than that." Refering to the fact she deserves someone who is active in the church and so on. That comment just really bugs me. It just bugs me that people say "I deserve better than that," when refering to someone who is interested in them. Now don't get me wrong. If the guy isn't active in the church and isn't a worthy priesthood holder then she shouldn't go out with him if she doesn't want to. I am in no way implying that she should date him or comprimise her standards to date him. I guess my issue is that by saying "I deserve better than that." I feel the person is being condescending to the other person and is saying they are better than the other person. Does anyone else feel like that when they hear that comment? I mean it is one thing to say, "We are not a good fit." or "He just isn't my type.", but to say "I deserve better than that." I think is on a different level. Am I alone here or do other people feel the same way?
  7. PV2004

    2 hour meeting

    I don't know why this rumor gets started. My ward was on a two hour block one time for a few months a few years ago and the only reason was because the stake building was being renovated and 4 wards or so had to meet in one building. There wasn't enough time to fit all four wards in one building and have a three hour block and so they cut it down to two. Once the building was finished it was back to a 3 hour block I believe that is the same reason in Arizona as well. I have a sister down there and had a bishop with a son done there as well. The bishops son said the wards were growing faster than they had buildings for and so to accomodate everyone they had to go to a two hour block until enough buildings were built. I can't say for sure that is still the same reason now, becuase that was a few years ago, but I can't image the church going to a 3 hour block. Just no reason for it.
  8. PV2004

    Ready for Dating

    All this talk of desirable and picky make me wonder if I fall into the "desirable single men" category or some other category. LOL :) Let me see. In following beeche's list, I have a testimony, go to church ,go to the temple (only once a month though), have stable job, my own place to live, responsible for two little girls, and I personally believe I can talk about more than just sports. I guess I am doing OK??? :) I do have to say I agree with Saldrin. There are plenty of middle singles who are rather picky and that is why I think they are still single. I would say to Saldrin stay away from those types. They are not worth the effort. But I also agree with mirancs8. Don't settle just to fill the void. To the women out that, that is just so unattractive. I don't know. To me if you settle you are comprimising your values and are not showing faith. However, desirability is in the eye of the beholder. I guess it can be a fine line sometimes (picky verses holding out for what your interpretation of desirability is).
  9. PV2004

    Ready for Dating

    Mmm. Where do I start??? :) I feel like I am answering for all LDS men everywhere (a lot of presure here). :) No, in all seriousness let me see what I can come up with to answer your question first and then I can move on to your so called "theory". In regards to your question of "If you just got out of a marriage that was years of disappointment and unhappiness how is it that within months you are locking and loading?" I can only answer for myself, but I can throw out a few "theories" of my own regarding other guys . I honestly don't have a lot of single friends let alone only ones trying to get married (I am in Oregon and the single scene here is a little.......slow at best where I am at) and that is why I am can't speak for other guys. As for me and my situation though I am not in any rush to remarry, but I know I want to. My x left about 9 months ago and the divorce was finalized 6 month ago. I started to date again soon after the divorce was finalized. Why did I date so soon after the seperation and the divorce....Maybe it was a way to move on. I think a big chunk of it was the fact that things had been tough and difficult in my marriage for a few years due to choices of one person. therefore, when it was over, it wasn't like I was suprised or anything like that and I was ready to move on to a new life. How can I word it better. If you see the end coming or possible end coming you are not supprised when it happens and therefore it is not as hard to move on. Let me put it this way, if everything was nice and rosy in my marriage and then one day out of the blue my wife were to come to me and say she wanted a divorce, I would be shocked and hurt because I wasn't expecting it. It would also make it a lot harder to move on, don't you agree. However if we were having problems in our marriage for years and I could see the writing on the wall, then it wouldn't be such a suprise if my wife were to come to me and say she wanted a divorce and it also wouldn't be as hard to move on. I realized my marriage didn't work due to in large part the choices of one person. I am not trying to say I am perfect by any means, but you get my point. I saw the writting on the wall and when it was over I was ready to move on and therefore started to date again soon thereafter because I still believed in marriage and knew / know that is what I want long term. Now in regards to these guys getting remarried soon thereafter that is an other issue. I am not there yet so I don't know. Like I said, I am not in any rush, but I am dating. I would like to think that I wouldn't rush it if I do start dating someone serious, but wouldn't be suprised if things did happen somewhat quicker than people outside of the church. The reason why I say this (and this is part of my "theory"), is that I have a better idea as to what I am looking for in a potential wife. I mean I have a much clearer picture now than when I was in my 20s, when I first married, of what type of woman I want to marry and the qualities I am looking for. So I will be able to tell sooner than later if she will be a good fit or not. As for me personally, I see the steps in dating like this. 1. Go on a few dates to see if you "click". For me personally I also look to see if the person has the qualities I am looking for in a wife. If the person doesn't then there is no point to move on. 2 If you "click" then start to date and hang out more and then get serious if things progress. By serious I mean exclusive dating, not necessarially meaning you are going to marry but exclusive. 3. Then "date" as you put it and get to know each other better. Like you said people change once they get to know them and you get to know the person better. 4. Eventually you (the couple) will get to a point that they will decided whether marriage is in the cards in the long term and wil decided from there to stay together or move on. Again this just me. So....as for these guys remarrying soon after getting out of marriage my theories are this - 1. The guy may have been in a tough marriage and didn't receive the attention or connection with his wife that he wanted and so he moved on quicker to get that attention. Remember... if a guy is in a marriage where he is not receiving the attention or affection he wants, when it is over and someone else then shows him the attention he wants he will most likely jump at it. He will say "There is someone else out there that loves me or wants to be with me" and therefore jumps at the opportunity to be with that person. Even guy need to be wanted. 2.He may have a clearer picture as to what he wants (from being in a prior marriage that didn't work out) and so they are able to move quicker when it comes to dating and remarriage. 3. Like in my situation if the marriage was tough and he could see the writing on the wall then when the seperation does happen it probably isn't as tough to move on for the guy. 4. The guy may just be horny and needs to move on and get married before he get's himself into trouble if you know what I mean. These are only my theories though, so take it as that. You said you know why women move on quickly after getting out of long tough marriage and so I am curious about that. Do tell. :) As for your theory, I need to ask a question. Is your issue with the fact that guys don't "date" (as in getting to know the person better) because they are afraid the relationship may mean marriage or do you have issue with the fact the courtship / dating isn't long enough. The reason why I make this distinction is because I guess I see those as two different issues. Some guys just don't "date" because they have commitment issues and think that marriage is implied if they date seriously, which is seperate from the length of the "dating" / courtship process. Does that make sense or am I just splitting hairs? There are other threads discussing the appropriate courtship length so I don't want to go into that. However just in short, the courtship process tends to be shorter in the church because we are encouraged to marry and that is the main goal of most singles in the church. With that goal in mind, the end (marriage) tends to come quicker (ie shorter courtship). Where as outside the church (please correct me if I am wrong) people tend to date for fun and to get to know people better. My guess is that marriage is a second thought once the couple has been together long enough and they think maybe it is time we get married. OK this response is long enough. Hopefully this helps. I am curious as to your thoughts.
  10. PV2004

    Ready for Dating

    mirancs8: "I have found out very quickly that LDS men (I've met) have no concept of how to actually date." I find this very amusing. It makes me laugh (in a good way). So how should an LDS man "actually date"? Being a single LDS man myself I am curious. I also could use all the help I can get. :)
  11. Interest question and a good one. My x-wife left the first weekend of April and our divorce was finalized mid June. Pretty quick I think, but when we agreed on everything it made things go quicker. I didn't feel like arguing with her about things so we were pretty agreeable. What is the one thing about yourself that you are working on making better? Become more outgoing and pro-active. I am somewhat already outgoing and pro-active, but I would like to become even more so. The other things I will need to work on is trusting other people are being real with me and not telling me what I want to hear. I trust other people, the issue is more of believing someone who I am close with is being real with me. My x-wife was clinically diagnosed with "not knowing who she really was and what she really wanted out of life and was a people pleaser". Straight from the behavioral specialist's mouth. She told me what I wanted to hear and showed me what I wanted to see rather than who she really was (which she didn't know). Therefore I have this issue with women just being real with me and not pretending to be something they are not. Do you think you are more picky now compared to how you were when you were let's say 20 years old? I would use the wording "more refined" rather than "picky". Yes I am more refined in what I want than when I was in my 20s. Before I just wanted someone who was active in the church. Now I want someone who is active and firm in the gospel but spiritually mature as well. I also want someone who knows who the are and what they want in life. I have realized marriage is such a huge and important commitment and wonder how can anyone make such a commitment to marriage when that person is still trying to figure out who they are and what they want. It is like trying to commit to playing football for the rest of you life, but still wondering "Maybe I would like to do piano, or play soccor, and so on." If you were married and now separated/divorced do you enjoy this time alone? Do you feel like you are getting to know your true self again? I don't have much time alone because I have custody of my two little girls. I am sure some of you know how that is. But in the sense that I am not in a relationship, yes it is nice to be alone at this time and I do feel like I am getting to knwo my true self again. Do you miss being married? I'm not asking if you miss your ex/stbx-spouse, no I'm asking if you miss being married. Yes I miss having someone else around. Someone to have fun with, with share ideas with, and like seeking_peace said, the sex. Looking at where you were 6 months to a year ago do you see drastic changes in yourself or subtle changes? No drastic changes, but more subtle ones. I am more relaxed now and more outgoing than before. I seem to have less stress. I also seem closer to my Heavenly Father now that before. I think the big thing for me was (regarding changing) when I heard from two people that they thought I was back to my old self again. They said I was back to the more relaxed, outgoing, friendly guy I used to be before things went wrong. They said this was good thing. What is the one thing that you did or that happened in your previous relationship/marriage that you will never do again? Assuming this means in a future relationship, for me this comes down to the type of person I am in that relationship with. I feel I tried as best I could. I admit I wasn't perfect. I said things at the wrong time, should have been more patient in others, and been more compassionate still in other times. I think the big issue fo r me was that I was a little too honest with someone (my ex wife) who was very insecure and couldn't take such honesty. I will probably be more careful of that in the future. What degree of contentment do you feel now compared to 6 months to a year ago with your new life and future? I am pretty optimistic. I been comforted more than once by the Holy Ghost that things are going to be OK and so I don't worry about the future too much. What is the one thing that you learned about yourself that you didn't know was there? And how has it changed you in your day to day life? I think the big thing I learned (not necessarally about myself) is that forgiveness is a choice. This has helped me to let go of my resentment towards my ex wife. Finally, where do you see yourself 5 years from now? (Life, relationship, career, family, etc) Not sure, but I am optimistic. I personally hope I am married in 5 years, but only time will tell that. To the OP, you asked some good questions, however I am interest to see what your responses are to your own questions. Obviously you must have thought about the answers to these questions if you are asking them.
  12. PV2004

    Is this blasphemous?

    OP here. Great discussion. I appologize because I haven't had a chance to read all the comments but after the few I did read, I realized I needed to change my thought process. From the comments (I am probably putting a few of the comments together), I have concluded that I was incorrect to a point. God can do anything, even brake the Law of Justice, just as we can smoke, drink or commit any any sin. However, because God's plan is to bring to pass the immortality and life of man, he can't break the Law of Justice in order to fulfull that plan. This just like us, if I want to be worthy to attend the temple and return to God, we can't drink, smoke or do those sins. Therefore we choose not to break those laws, just as He chooses not to break those laws. Even as God he has to have a choice. Thanks again.
  13. So I had a hour or so drive the other day and I was thinking about things and I came across the thought that God can't do everything. We all think he can because he is all powerful but I realized he can't. My reasoning is that God is bound by laws just like we are. A perfect example of this is the Law of Justice. We learn from the study of the atonement that mercy shall not rob justice and that even God himself can't break this law. Therefore an atonement had to be made, so Christ satisfied the law of justice so that mercy could be satisfied as well. Therefore we can conclude that God himself could not break the law of justice and therefore he is bound by laws as well, which means there are things had can't do. In addition, there must be other laws as well (ie laws of physics and science) Please correct me if my thinking is not correct here. I am open to being wrong. When I think about it though, it only strengthens my testimony that we are as God was and God is as we can become and that hed is our Heavenly Father. In addition I started to think about an experience a friend had told me. He said his mom was suffered from a tumor in her head (if I remember correctly) and that it was very tough time for his family. During the examination process and trying to determine the seriousness of the situation and whether it was cancerous or not, his family had a family fast that his mom would heal and things go well. Well some time after the fast his mom went into the doctors to get another scan of the tumor. When the scan results came back the doctor said the tumor was completely gone. The doctor wasn't ever sure if he had diagnosed the tumor correctly and had two or three other doctors looks at the scans to be sure (original and the new one) and they all concured that she did in fact have a tumor and that it was now gone. This was a mircle in their lives. As I thought about this and the nature of our Heavenly Father, I thought again that Heavely Father is bound by laws and the limiations of our bodies.. I personal don't know how the tumor disappared, but I can only guess that our Heavely Father knew how to manipulate (for a lack of a better word) the body to remove the tumor itself. He knew the right chemicals the body needed to release, the cells that would remove the tumor, and all the other fuctions of the body that needed to work together in order to remove the tumor. In all honesty the tumor could have disappeared and I conceed that God's understanding is way beyond mine, however I also believe there are aspects of the human body we don't understand that God only understands and I personally believe the body (with the help of our Heavely Father) removed the tumor itself. This in no way is intened to downplay the role of Heavenly Father in this miracle. If it wasn't for Him, she would not have been blessed. From my friend's story I realized and began to believe there is a cure for cancer. Our Heavely father knows what it is without a doubt. Then I realized the question regarding the cure for cancern is not when will we find the cure for cancern, but when will God grant us the knowledge of the cure for cancer. One last note. When I say God is bound by laws, please remember he is bound by his knowledge of the laws, which is perfect and far greater than ours. Some may say the human body if not capable of curing itself from cancer. To them I say that is according to our limited knowledge of the body. God knows the things the human body is capable of and sometimes he just needs to assist in helping it to do what it is capable of, because we don't know how to.
  14. PV2004

    Wife makes more money than husband

    Wow. I didn't think my initial question would attrack so much attention. Overall, I can see both sides, but let's all remember it is up to each couple and what works for them. My sister works and her husband stays at home and that works for them. However both my brothers work and their wives stay at home. Overall, personally it wouldn't both me if my wife made more than me and I stayed at home, but hey, not everyone see it the same. Luckilly the Lord has given us the gift of personal choice and reveralation and we should all respect that. Thanks for the good comments.