Insanely Frustrated

[missdaisy]

I was 28 when I got married, and had been on my own for awhile, I still had my eyes opened and grew up fast when I got married. I did know that he was an Eagle Scout and had served in the military, was an active, devoute Catholic. I stayed nearly 4 years because I made a vow to Heavenly Father "til death" and it almost killed me.

Mine showed his addictions AFTER we were married - and was addicted to role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons and then later into drugs. He also hid the facts that he was dishonorable discharged from the military for violence, and "border line personality disorders", oh and let's not forget that the foster system had removed him from a psycophenic mother for 3 years because she would not take medications ("GOd would heal her if she needed healing" ) and Grandpa used a bullwhip for disapline. FActs I was able to find out when he was sleeping and told me where the "papers" were hidden. I later came to fully, truely and still believe that he was demonically possessed.

My 2nd married night my ex husband had night terrors. I had only herd of these in my nursing text books and thought they were related to a horror movie we saw until he started begging his grandparents and parents to not hurt him. I madethe mistake of trying to wake him. I ended up in the hospital with broken bones and bruises. Whenever he awokefrom these terrors he only remembered monsters chasing him, but he would scream for his parents and grandparents to stop hurting him. I learned very quickly to sleep on the couch when he got restless. I left almost 4yrs later, with him still dening any childhood abuse while awake, but while asleep telling tales that would leave my therapists sobbing years later, after I was still trying to 'soften my heart and soul back up" as my Dad called it.

I opted not to have children due to my concern for their safety. My then Bishop said I was wrong to fear for their safety, but I went with my heart and know it was the right decision. I got kittens on the advice of my parents and the Bishop I grew up with to see how he might deal with the stress of children.

He was constantly abusing the kittens "in rough play" because "they need to get tough for the world", one had to have an eye removed, one a broken leg, both had dislocated hips and broken tails, all before 3 months old.

He insisted on getting, against my knowledge and desires and huge dog (I was attacked as a child by a dog and am afraid of big dogs) and kept it in the house, unrestrained. that dog had it's hind paw dislocated 2 times and was beaten with a broom handle trhough the kennel bars while I was sleeping - I woke up to the poor thing howling in rage... I paid someone to take the dog to the pound in the next town (I lied and said the dog ran off)when my ex was at work, but he found the dog. My ex's response was to get me a little dog (best thing I got out of the marriage) abuse and threaten when I 'stepped out of line.

I fianally humbled myself and went to the Bishop, who had changed in those years. I told him I was leaving and why. I will never forget. He asked me to pray with him, I agreed but was defiant, thinking he would give me the "good wife stays" lecture. I had already spoken with my parents and had their support and promise that whatever happened my maiden name would be on my tombstone in big capital letters.

The bishop then asked me for a favor. He said that a speaker for Sunday had backed out and he and Heavenly Father would appreciate my help. I was a little dumbstruck, at this worthless feeling time in my life, what was I qualified to talk about? Bishop asked me if I knew anything about the law of repentence. Yeah, I knew it and I told him the steps.

1- make a mistake

2- acknowledge the mistake

3-try to fix the mistake

4-apoligize to all involved (3 and 4 can be interchanged)

5-acknowledge to Jesus and Heavenly Father, Priesthood authority if necessary

6-learn from it, move on and don't let it happen again

Bishop asked what the biggist mistake I ever made was; My response was so fast, it was almost flip and caught us both off guard.

"OH, I married the ..." with a few explicatives - this being the only time I have ever sworn in church... We both ended up chuckling, relieving the built up stress and he said that if I could restain my enthusiam for the subject, I would do great on the talk. I then received a very special blessing. and the great gift of knowing I made the right decision and have no regrets.

I am proud I stayed, I needed to prove to myself I tried to honor my vow to Heavenly Father,

A MARRIAGE TAKES THE COMMITMENT OF 3 PEOPLE; YOURSELF, HEAVENLY FATHER, AND YOUR

SPOUSE. ANY 2 AND THE TRIANGLE CAN NOT STAND STRONG, IT IS BUT SEPARATE STICKS

PEOPLE STANDING BESIDE EACH OTHER AND NOT UNIFIED

I am proud I choose to leave and have gotten the counciling I needed to learn to love, laugh and smile and sing again. I have had to learn to see the daughter that Heavenly Father and my Earthly Parents never stopped believing in. My bishop also told me this greath truth that I Have come to cherish and have framed.

HEAVENLY FATHER DOES NOT WANT HIS CHILDREN TO BE PUNCHING BAGS, EMOTIONALLY OR

PHYSICALLY.

Would i marry someone different if I had the chance? The me then would nat have. The me knowing what I know now would. I am no longer 27, but 47. The only regret I have is that for years I judged each man's motives by his, even though I kept saying and my heart knew that there are men out there as good and wonderful as my Father and Brother are to thier wives. I would like to have children, I had always dreamt of one day being surrounded by a "flock of my own kids" That will never happen because of injuries I have suffered because of choices I made. I would not be the woman I am had I made different choices. I am strong and proud. I am beautiful and unique. I have an independence that others don't. I am the child that Heavenly Father and I have chosen and raised together.

I did not mean to write do much or so long. I do not know if this makes your decisions easier or harder. You need to live with your decision. I know that in most parts of the country it is easier and more accepting to be a devorced sister than it was 20 years ago. We are counsceled to avoid people, places and things that bring our testimonies down. If he is not at all supportive of you, your beliefs, the Gospel, you have fear in your lile you must consider this. If this is not what you want for any future children, consider that. If this is inconvient but you knew what you were walking into and just did not want to see and now are having your eyes opened, consider that, if you thought you knew but things have gotten worse, gambling often leads to other problems, as I am sure you have considered. I spent 6 months working in the Cochilla Valley near Palm Springs, CA at one of the hospitals. I heard and saw first hand what gambling did to families, member and nonmember.

I reccomend before you make your finally decisions, spend time on yours, fasting, praying and listening to Heavenly Father's council. Also spend time talking to a lawyer without your husband knowing, if possible; several reasons.: 1 protect yourself physically and finacially - the most dangerous time of ANY relationship is when someone tryes to leave. 2 get a bag or box and start saving the monthly receipts or copies of bills, rent, utilites, credit cards, bank accounts. If the time comes for you to leave these will have to be closed or frozen to protect you or both of you financially, trust me 3- if he knows that you are talking to a lawyer about the possiblity of ending your marriage, and does not know or accept how seriously your marriage is in trouble, he will lose trust and make picking up the pieces more difficult if that is ultimately your decision to do also.

There are challenges to being single, especially if you are to be single and older. There are blessings too. I don't like Mother's day at Church - I haven't decided what's worse the wards that don't acknowlegde the single sisters or the wards that acknowldge us as "those that aren't yet mothers in this dispensation or will be in the coming dispensation..." and give a gift to all sisters of 'legal age' I try to laugh it off, but depending when it hits me hormonally, I've been known to wush out and skip the celebration completely...

There are perks too - I don't have to change diapers if I don't want to, I can play aunt and still give the crying ones back, I have only once been asked to serve in the nursery (knock on wood), I can watch the personalities develope and cheer and give all the pointers I want - and if the advice turns out to be bad, I simply say, well, I'm not a mom, what did you expect..."

Again I am sorry that this is so long and difficult a read. I am going to see what I can edit from my story - all of which is true an happened in VA in the late 80's -early 90's.

Listen to Heanly Father in this most montous descion. I pray and wish you, and all of our sisters and brothers struggling with these horrendous decisions, peace, comfort, love and accetence with open arms and hearts from the rest of us. Wounded hearts can be mended with love and paience.

[Jazok]

Since you don't have children, I believe you should leave and have no further contact. You openly state that you married the wrong man; you can change that and must for your own health. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that religion, faith and love will make it work out. It won't. Praying won't work because the person you are dealing with has their own free will and God can't make them do what they don't want to do.

You must also protect yourself by making sure your finances are separate from his.

I've learned from sad experience that keeping a marriage going because everyone else thinks you should and because the church teaches that you should do "everything" is a horrible idea. What are you going to do if you have a child and your husband goes off on a real bender? Worse, what if he starts borrowing money from the wrong people? Do you really want to subject yourself and your children to that (when you have children, everything you thought about protecting someone else goes out the window. I didn't believe that either until my children were born; suddenly your options and outlook completely change. In your case, don't be forced to let your husband have visitation only to have him leave his kids while he goes gambling.)

[mnn727]

if you regret the marriage as much as you imply with your comment about talking to yourself before you met him.... talk to a lawyer and start planning your way out. you don't have to do a big dramatic walk off to leave. you can plan it financially, make sure all the bases are covered and what the best route is to cause the least pain possible and give you the best chances at a new life.

i know there is no way this can be easy for you or a simple decision. in the end you have to make that decision with a lot of thought and prayer. good luck and god bless.

I have to agree with this, gambling the rent money repeatedly is out of control.