Elder Lawrence's: courageous parenting vs. overprotecting

[MrShorty]

I reviewed Elder Lawrence's talk from the Sunday afternoon session of conference, and wanted to suggest a discussion topic from it.

As a springboard for the discussion, I'll start with the example of a gaming son as described to Elder Lawrence by the mother. Mom was "worried" about her son's gaming and tried to prevent the son from playing games. Dad saw no harm in it, so he "vetoed" mom's decision. The implication being that the son's gaming was important in his drifting away.

I want to point out that I agree with Elder Lawrence that parents need to be united. Mom was correct in expressing her concerns and attempting to enforce rules. If Dad didn't agree with Mom, he should have discussed his point of view with Mom until they could come to an agreement that they could both enforce.

The real question I had, both when I first heard this talk and after reading it again is how to tell when we are following the Spirit, and when, out of fear or other influence, being overprotective. How do you as parents try to balance protecting your children without being overprotective? How did your parents manage this balance?

[JudoMinja]

I believe parents cross the barrier into overprotectiveness when they are not allowing their children to use their own judgements to make decisions. Take your video game example- not only should the parents have consulted with one another to come to a compromise, but they should have consulted with their son as well. Children have better judgement than we sometimes believe, and when presented with a clear choice will often choose right.

They could have had a family counsel, discussing the benefits and downfalls of gaming. Together, they could have set limits on what games would and would not be allowed, as well as time limits for when and how often those games could be played. Allowing the child to be part of the decision making process will make them more likely to follow the rules, as they gain a sense of ownership for the decision.

When parents simply impose limits in order to "protect" their child, children will feel restricted and be tempted to resist the limitations. If children are not learning about the things of the world and how to be prepared to protect themselves, any limits imposed on them will prove useless. Eventually, your children will be on their own, making their own decisions, and choosing for themselves what they will and will not do. Overprotectiveness does not so much entail the rules themselves, but the lack of teaching the reason behind the rules and instilling in children the ability to decide for themselves what is right and what is wrong. Placing limitations without teaching will only harm children in the long-run.