SaturdayLove Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Well, I am not really good at communicating... sadly this is true for trying to get my feelings out online as well. My whole life has been terrible. Well then, since this fact is out I guess I better sort out my thoughts and figure out exactly how every thing lead to the terrible part... cause I still don't know how. Number one it could partly be that my Christian mother married my Muslim father and than my Mother and I became Mormons... However my father remained a crazy Muslim man and has always been against us... I think this would be a good place to start...... My mother is from Russia and has always been a devoted Christian women. However when she was in university she met my father who was an exchange student from Bangladesh, at that time she didn't really know that much about Islam religion and all... Yes my father was Muslim... After my parents came to the states... things got worse... my father had to quit his studies and work in Mcdonalds because it was hard to support a family and go to school.... later on His family and friends told him that all his life troubles were because of my mother because she was a Christian. She didn't want to convert of course. However she didn't mind if he followed his own religion... My father was really angry and would come home every day and beat her when things wouldn't go well for him... I was only 4 years old and I remember how my mom would put me and*at the time* baby brother into another room so we that we couldn't;t hear her cries... but it was horrifying.... I snuck out a couple of times... and and saw how my father beat her with a vacuum cleaner or a broom.. or would just push her to the ground.... My mother came to the US by refugee status and couldn't return to Russia because possibly being arrested... at the time getting a visa was hard and my father told her to go to the states.. she took out a visiting visa later applied as a refugee stating that she couldn't go back because she was not free to practice her religion and if she went back to Russia they would arrest her for applying as a visiting visa and then stating that..... Also My mother worked part time for 4 $ an hour selling donuts... I remember being 5 Years old... my mother would leave my my baby brother and me at home and tell me to keep and eye on him.... she told me that during her 10 min break she would rush home and check up on us.. also an elderly lady next door was kind enough to watch us for free for 4 hours a day on most days.... This is getting tooooo long so I will shorten it.... Basically we lived in this kind of poverty and abuse in the states for six years from the time I was 2 to the time I was 8... My mother couldn't leave this abusive environment because she was afraid to leave ... if she left my father services would takes us away and put us in to Foster homes..... So after putting up with this... my mother realized that it was impossible to get documents in the states ... so some how my father and mother applied for canada and got it... my childhood continued to be horrible as we still lived in an a impoverished and abusive environment.... When I was 8 missionaries were living not to far away from us and came to our house to introduce the gospel to us... My father drove them away.... yelling and swearing ... after we moved and my father when back to his country for a little while ... I was 10 the Missionaries came to our house again.... My mother Accepted that Gospel and got baptized... even though I didn't know what was going on I got baptized a week later.... My father found out about this and became absolutely crazy.... Even though we could not have missionaries over my mother, younger brother and I would sneak out of the house on Sunday and got o church from when I was 10 to about when I was 16 years old... My father eventually found out where we went on SUndays and what not... and became really even more angrier than usual... at this time my mother started going to school... eventually go a better job to become independent of my father...... I was about 16 here... One night he came into the room where I was sleeping and tried to stabb me with a knife and also threated to stabb my mother with a knife... so I called the police and they arrested him....... eventually my dad begged my mother to let him out and so she did.... he doens't live with us... but still comes home top threaten us and make us feel terrible... I think due to all the stress and abuse my mother has taken... she developed a disability and can't work now..... I am having a lot of trouble with life... I am almost 22... My birthday is next week.... ~ I've had trouble with school and realize that in my situation I cannot choose to do what i wanted to.. so I decided to take this semester off and applied to Uni for Early Child hood education... since it offers a bachelors degree which will mean I will finally have freedom from my Dad..... Alot of my friends will soon be graduating... and enjoying their life.... While I have to be stuck in school for the next 4 years.... I am just really hating how my life turned out.... I just really want to die and Ask God if I can be reborn in a better family... I really don't know what to do... or what kind of advice i really need.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 You are in a world of hurt and internal turmoil that will not go away until you talk to a professional about it. Maybe there's one at the school you go to in student services or the health center. Beyond that, I would tell you this: - Don't measure your progress in life by comparing it to others. I can assure you, it will never work. You are not them, they are not you. I'll still fall into this every so often and I will look at myself as an utter failure. However, I still have something to contribute. It may not to solve the Darfur crisis, but something nevertheless. I know that from where you are now, everything is dark. But please realize that it is a temporary situation. Keep your head on straight. You'll be able to think through this. - Don't EVER play the "What If" game. "What if my mom never married that guy." or "What if I was reborn." or "What if I was <enter name here>. My life would be so much better." You are thinking on things that will never happen, ever. "What if" has to be the most destructive phrase to anyone in a crisis. - Get your patriarchal blessing. In this you will find guidance and security. Read it often and pray about it. - The hardest step: Forgive. Read through my posts and see what I've been up against. It's not pretty at all. And what I've posted here is less than 5% of my story. I had a deep seeded hatred for everyone. I hated people. I hated my family. It wasn't until I learned to forgive others that I was able to jettison the pain that was crushing my development. Then I had to forgive myself. One thing people do not realize is that children who are abused or watched it in their family, harbor a massive amount of guilt, even throughout adulthood. You will hear this a lot, but it is so true: NONE of your childhood was your fault, NONE OF IT! Don't take it on, don't own it. It's not yours. You will not find freedom until you forgive. - Stay close to the church and those in it. Be with people who have a level of peace in their life and countenance that it rubs off on you. Hang with people who share high values. Don't tell them what your past is if you don't want to. But seek out good company. - And, as simplistic as this sounds, twice daily prayer, daily scripture reading, constant and active church attendance. I call it the "Trifecta of Obedience." I promise you that this will help. It will put you into a spiritual frame so that you will be able to hear the still small voice whisper comfort to you. If you need to, get on your knees and ask our Heavenly Father to wrap his arms of love around you. He knows you, He knows you personally. He knows what you are capable of and what you can handle. He knows that all these horrific experiences will come to be a benefit to you latter in life. You can't see it now, but I can assure you it's true. Our Heavenly Father transformed me, a terrible person who only was able to wish ill on everyone, who had no concept of empathy and quite frankly didn't care, who never lived a day without thoughts of harming others and myself and who hurt a lot of people. I ultimately lost everything of importance. How did he turn me around? I was doing my trifecta of obedience and I dared to ask him to free me of the burdens of all this baggage. "Knock and it shall be opened up to you." The Atonement is more that just repentance. It's freeing us from pain, guilt and temptations. It is surprisingly broad and unimaginably all encompassing. He did that for me. He will do that for you. He will do that for any of his precious children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyler90AZ Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 Luckily circumstances do not determine destiny. "Decisions determine destiny" Thomas S. Monson. We need to rise above our circumstances. Look at the birth of Jesus. The Savior of the world was born in a manger. You need to set goals for the future. Then go out and put your whole heart into achieving those goals. Never ceasing till they are accomplished.When you achieve the goals you set it will be a great day. You will look back on your circumstances and be thankful. For your circumstances are what shape you. That's how I look at it anyways. God Bless! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rameumptom Posted January 18, 2011 Report Share Posted January 18, 2011 SL, sadly our lives can be terrible at times. But look forward with hope that things will get better. You are only 22, still very young and the perfect time to begin. Many people never get the chance to attend college (I was 35 when I received my Bachelor's Degree), yet you are getting that chance now. You obviously could use some therapy. Talk with your bishop about possibly a recommendation to see LDS Social Services or a local therapist, as they can help you to make sense of the struggles you have had, and how to deal with those past issues better. Remember that your Dad's issues are his, not yours. Do not blame yourself for his offenses. Seek to God and friends (including here) for strength and relief. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaturdayLove Posted January 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thank you for the advice.. Sorry I kinda just read answers and think to myself for a long while and never bother to come back and reply cause I'm just so lazy ~ or just kinda forget.... Well anyways.. I don't think I will get any kind of therapy or counciling I don't do therapy and I don't due conciling... j Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SaturdayLove Posted January 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thank you for the advice.. Sorry I kinda just read answers and think to myself for a long while and never bother to come back and reply cause I'm just so lazy ~ or just kinda forget.... Well anyways.. I don't think I will get any kind of therapy or counciling I don't do therapy and I don't due conciling... just like some people don't do poetry ... don't do therapy and I don't due conciling.....I 'm not good at admitting that I need help... I like helping others.... but I hate getting help.. it just makes me feel weak.. I mean I was always the kid in class that would read 5 chapters ahead just so I wouldn't need to ask the teacher for help in class and be able to solve things on my own... so I'm hoping i can get through this as welll..... ~ I think I got an Idea.... ( i guess I can ask for help on the forum since no one really knows me ).... well anyways... The plan is that i need a bachelors degree to finally be free of my dad... I quite my college last week...cause I could not switch into a degree program from my diploma program and was originally gonna apply for another university to do 4 years of school and starts over....... however I realizes something.. I have been studying korean from the very same textbooks that BYU uses for their korean major.. and my friend whom I know online used those textbooks as well for her proficiency test .. she told me that I can take it and try to skip some courses if I can get thoses credits so... I am thinking of taking the korean test and applying to BYU for the korean major.. in the mean time i'll get employed Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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