Am I responsible?

[needingadvice]

So DH is inactive. It all started when we had our daughter two years ago, and I became a SAHM. It became clear pretty quickly that he was not prepared to shoulder the reponsibility of providing for the family, even though it was something we had talked about and planned on form the very beginning of our relationship, and we also had waited 4.5 years to have our first child, during which time DH's career grew and I worked. But, when we had our daughter he took the stance that since he was working, it was HIS money. He got very controlling about buying basic needs. He did not want to cut back on any of his spending. He makes adequate money but not GREAT, so there just isn't a lot of "extra" money. His job includes the possibility of OT to supplement the income, and OT pays quite well. He went inactive and quit paying tithing. Now he is much better about "allowing" me to buy the things we need.

So my question is...... is it my responsibility to do everything possible to get DH to come back? Should I get a job just so that DH will be happier with the money situation and maybe come back? My only experience is working in daycare (I do have an AA in early childhood ed), so I wouldn't really make much. Once we have another child I probably would not even break even with paying for child care. I also have a 2 year old with autism who is sometimes difficult to handle. She has therapy every day that I drive her to. Also, DH tells me not to work during his days/hours off because then he can't work OT and he can make way more working OT than I can.

I guess I am just feeling guilty, like it is my responsibility to "fix" DH. I also think about temple covenants and just wonder to myself whether I am doing everything I can to live up to them. I try to be frugal and not be a burden on DH for providing for us. I dunno... advice?

[Gwen]

based on what you have said here, are you responsible? no. did you contribute? yes. can you fix it alone? no.

when you both worked it sounds like you had your money, he had his, you did what you wanted with it without being accountable to each other. the money never belonged to both of you. the issue is now you have no money and he has to share. he's not changed how he sees "his money". i would suggest some of the reading in this thread, http://www.lds.net/forums/marriage-relationship-advice/25622-resources-links-your-marriage.html his needs, her needs might be a good one to start with because it talks about how to divide up the responsibilities. if he's not willing to talk it out i'm not sure what there is you can really do. if you can get him to agree on "your" budget for taking care of the needs of the family then when the check comes in pull it in cash and keep it separate from his. then he can't reclaim it or change his mind later or tell you how you can spend it. if it gets to the point where you know for a fact you could better provide for you child without him than with him (child support, assistance programs, your own employment, etc) then it might be time to have some frank and hard discussions with him. find out what he really wants.

[Guest]

Everything Gwen said. You both started it by never establishing the concept of family finance. Even when you both were working you both should have had a FAMILY BUDGET. That is - it is not his money, nor your money, unless the family budget says so. That is - the family budget says - this is his allowance, this is your allowance... those allowances are for whatever you want to spend it on.

So, what you can do right now is to sit him down and get him to work with you on establishing a FAMILY BUDGET. As the home manager - you can help make this easier by finding every possible way for you to make the house needs affordable (try to budget groceries under $200 instead of $300 and that kind of stuff). You can trim down some more by getting rid of cable tv or home phone or getting cheap internet, making your own laundry soap... there are tons of tricks out there for this. So you can research how much you really need to run the house and take care of the child. On the family budget - give him an allowance that he can spend for whatever he wants. Give yourself an allowance for your personal spending as well. Anything any of you spends that is not in the budget comes out of your allowance.

When doing a Family Budget - tithing always comes out first, then the bills (mortgage, car, gas, insurance, electricity, water, etc.). It would be good if you can convince him to do this. If he refuses to do it, then compromise.

His inactivity is a separate issue. If I were you, I would let him worry about that...