Marriage and Life Crumbling

[dexter]

The past year went from the highest of highs to lowest of lows, I began 2010 with the determination to resolve the unresolved and just change my life. I began taking those steps, went to my bishop, even returned to temple. During that time we noticed our youngest son had a "twitch", and while trying to discover the causes of his twitch my husband confessed to being addicted to porn and masturbation which had gone on since before I met him and most of our marriage, he did tell me it wasnt a "daily" thing but a "binge" thing, there would be times where he would "abstain" and times where it was somewhat frequent. I was shocked, there were moments in the past where I was suspicious that something was going on, when I would ask him he would deny it and I just took his word. A couple months after his "confession" he messed up a few times, when I asked him how things were going his response didnt feel right, so I asked him again and got another denial, within a couple hours I asked again and got another denial which turned into an admission. I was hurt at the dishonesty, and even though he eventually told the truth, I still didnt trust his word. Shortly after that incident our youngest son's twitch was diagnosed as a brain tumor which would require surgery. Prior to the surgery and afterwards my husband kept telling me that as long as we keep doing "the right thing" our son will be watched over, and just a couple days after the surgery he messed up again. I was staying at the hospital when he told me, which was the same day, and due to all the stress, emotions of the surgery I wasnt in a good place to deal with the information, I was very upset. I stayed with my son for the entire month he was at the hospital, and during that time my husband and I really didnt spend any time together just the two of us, and he says that during the rest of the time nothing happened but I struggle to believe that. When we got home the hospital, life was clearly different and life just generally became more difficult. During this time I have became inactive, even became angry with Heavenly Father at points, and I really have lost hope in my husband and have a tough time believing him or even listening to advice he has. We have attended counseling and havent returned since our sons surgery. I dont know what to do, we have reached the point of separation or divorce because neither of us are happy, he is unhappy that I dont trust him and I am unhappy also because I dont trust him. I dont want a divorce I think their are better options out there, if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful, this is clearly just my side of the story but I really dont know his side so I cannot comment on that.

Edited January 31, 2011 by dexter
missing words

[ttribe]

First things first - your son's condition has nothing to do with whether your husband "messed up" or not. Your anger at God is stemming from a belief that God is somehow responding to every last thing that we do with our actions. It seems, culturally, we as LDS seem to forget the breadth of the Atonement and what it means to actually progress through the repentance process.

[dexter]

I did not mean to imply that my sons health issues were related, it was more to explain why I havent been able to handle all of this in a reasonable manner. I do not think that our God responds to our every action, I dont believe that my son or my family for that matter is being "punished" for one persons sins. I am angry, but not all at God, myself included, a lot of it comes from the idea that "you will never be given more than you can handle" and lately I have felt I have more to deal with that what I have to tools to handle. I know there are people out there that have it worse than me, much worse, but that doesnt change the fact that I am beyond overwhelmed with all that has happened.

[bert10]

The answer is to go into "Unconditional Love" which is the same love God has for us. It is the same type of Love that allows God as well as us to love our Enemies. This is a giving Love and does not care if it is returned or not. It liberates us from our fears and co-dependency on others for love.

With "Unconditional Love" one does not lose hope. And if you do...you will regain it quickly. It first works on the person giving it out and then it begins to work on our Spouse. Praise and thank God for your problems and weaknesses and your husband's weaknesses. When you get pretty good at this...God will begin to take things in His hands and He will straighten out your path.

bert10

The past year went from the highest of highs to lowest of lows, I began 2010 with the determination to resolve the unresolved and just change my life. I began taking those steps, went to my bishop, even returned to temple. During that time we noticed our youngest son had a "twitch", and while trying to discover the causes of his twitch my husband confessed to being addicted to porn and masturbation which had gone on since before I met him and most of our marriage, he did tell me it wasnt a "daily" thing but a "binge" thing, there would be times where he would "abstain" and times where it was somewhat frequent. I was shocked, there were moments in the past where I was suspicious that something was going on, when I would ask him he would deny it and I just took his word. A couple months after his "confession" he messed up a few times, when I asked him how things were going his response didnt feel right, so I asked him again and got another denial, within a couple hours I asked again and got another denial which turned into an admission. I was hurt at the dishonesty, and even though he eventually told the truth, I still didnt trust his word. Shortly after that incident our youngest son's twitch was diagnosed as a brain tumor which would require surgery. Prior to the surgery and afterwards my husband kept telling me that as long as we keep doing "the right thing" our son will be watched over, and just a couple days after the surgery he messed up again. I was staying at the hospital when he told me, which was the same day, and due to all the stress, emotions of the surgery I wasnt in a good place to deal with the information, I was very upset. I stayed with my son for the entire month he was at the hospital, and during that time my husband and I really didnt spend any time together just the two of us, and he says that during the rest of the time nothing happened but I struggle to believe that. When we got home the hospital, life was clearly different and life just generally became more difficult. During this time I have became inactive, even became angry with Heavenly Father at points, and I really have lost hope in my husband and have a tough time believing him or even listening to advice he has. We have attended counseling and havent returned since our sons surgery. I dont know what to do, we have reached the point of separation or divorce because neither of us are happy, he is unhappy that I dont trust him and I am unhappy also because I dont trust him. I dont want a divorce I think their are better options out there, if anyone has any advice I would be very grateful, this is clearly just my side of the story but I really dont know his side so I cannot comment on that.

[ChaseC]

Dexter,

First I have to say that you have done a great job so far it sounds like. Keep your head up and remember what you even said "you will never be given more then you can handle". I know this seems like we go way past what we ourselves can handle and its true, we need to rely on Christ and our Father in Heaven. Please do not give up hope, you seem like a wonderful woman that has strong faith. I really cant say what you can do or anything along those lines. But I do know that if you lay the problems with our Heavenly Father and Christ they will be taken care of, but in Their time not ours. I am so sorry to hear about your son and truly pray that he will be ok. As for your husband there is nothing you can do to change him, he has to change him self and it will come from Heavenly Father. Please seek help from your church leaders, this problem your husband has is very rampant in the world and they will know how to handle it. I hope for the best for you and know that you are cared for and watched over.

[kevinpeter]

his is the question that keeps popping up in the minds of thousands of married men and women. The truth is that it is possible to save your marriage however difficult it may seem to you.

Are you trying everything possible in your hands to save your marriage at any cost? You are not alone.

With passing years and the responsibilities of managing a household and bringing up children most couples find it difficult to spend time for themselves or to nurture their intimacy and romance.

But things like financial problems, drug or alcohol addiction, infidelity and aloofness can be more threatening your marriage than issues like boredom or neglect. But if it has already happened and there is no effort on your spouse to repair the damage, you may feel that it may finally damage your marriage irreparably.

If you have tried to make your spouse see reason by sincerely trying to follow the advice from friends, relatives and on the brink of giving up, stop and think. Professional marriage counselors can help though their success rate is not so encouraging. But some spouses flatly refuse to go for counseling and if that is your situation, do not lose heart, there is still hope.

The fact is, all marriage problems can be resolved regardless of how complicated it is. The truth is now you have help at hand - expert counseling and advice with proven techniques to save any failing marriage is within your reach.

Never make the mistake of handling everything by trial and error and risk a divorce. Do yourself a favor by getting yourself the best practical help before it is too late.

[Guest]

I just have one piece of thought to give out.

Your husband's problem is a "problem". It's not just something he can STOP or even have the choice to stop. It's an addiction that robs us of free agency. So, when you ask him - did you do it? Of course, his reply would be, "No!". He knows he's in trouble - he doesn't want to have to be scolded (even if you don't scold, it will feel like that to him) for it.

The better approach, in my opinion is not to address the problem like you are the parent and he is a child that needs reprimanding. Approach it like you are a nurse and he is a patient. Tell him that you are on his side and wants to help him treat the problem and that he can come to you for help and you will try to find ways to beat the addiction together. Make him feel that it is safe to confide in you. But remember, you are just a nurse - you really need a doctor to help with this. So, if both of you find that you cannot handle it yourselves together, then it might be time to go get a "doctor" - some professional to help (a bishop, maybe... or some counsellor).

You know what I'm saying?