I think I need help

[Guest The_Real_Enigma]

Once upon a time I wrote a post that I wanted nothing to do with women, since that time I have among other things done some soul searching as well as getting active in the church and again doing the things I need to do with one exception: I'm 28, Male and never been married never dated and have no plans to.

The reason's I say I think I may be in need of help are thus: Recently I decided to spend my life as a celibate recluse.

After years of telling myself I wanted to get married someday I finally got to the point where I didn't want to anymore, part of it I am sad to admit was because I wasn't doing the things I ought to. I didn't admit it because I didn't want people to judge me, well I have swallowed my pride and taken a good hard look at myself and why I feel the way I do.

I have had a lot of bad experiences with members of the church growing up, I have Attention Deficit Disorder, and am A-typical, I don't generally have the same interests as other men, I don't like football, actually I hate it, I don't watch sports period, I couldn't care less who is who in the sports world, what the latest look is, and am scared of trying to interact with women.

So needless to say growing up I was ostracized, put down, had treated badly by my peers.

I had no real friends most of the time because I was scared of being betrayed or rejected,

I had had enough of that early on.

As a result I grew to hate YSA activities which I was almost always forced by my well meaning parents, to attend. I was a recluse and still am, yet I wanted companionship too, I wanted a girl to like me, love me, that I could love back. Yet I watched as the girls in my ward swooned over young men who were rebellious, disdainful of authority and the church, rude, bullies, and just angry youth. And who spat upon me.

As time passed I came up with reasons not to date, I haven't gone on my mission yet, I don't have a job, I'm still in school, I'm getting ready to deploy. All of them seemed logical and reasonable but all I was doing was avoiding dating, why because I am and was scared.

Yes I am scared of rejection; I've had enough of that, at least the brutal kind I have always gotten. Just a simple "no thank you" wouldn't be too hard to take.

I am also scared of failure, what if I don't know how to love a woman right? What if our marriage goes sour because of something I didn't know I did to upset her, what if I end up like my parents and am just forcing myself to be with this person.

I feel like I am subpar as a person not good enough for a woman. I've made some mistakes in my past that have left me scarred and feeling inferior. I'm scared of getting hurt or worse.

And the big one, I am repulsed by sex, short and sweet I grew up under the impression that sex was this terrible thing that only wicked people did, not good LDS people, then it evolved into sex is this terrible thing that men force on women, that all men are insensitive, crass and sex crazed. That one has stuck with me for years; to this day I still struggle with it.

As a man yes I have certain desires but I have perhaps overcorrected by conditioning myself to believe that sex is evil.

Finally, I am scared of getting help even though I probably need it, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I have put myself at a real disadvantage over the years but I just don't know what to do anymore.

I have decided to take my conserns to the lord and have prayed for guidance at to what I should do. Having said that I wish to thank all of you for your feedback. I know now what I must do and that there is still hope for me. But even a thousand mile journy must begin with the first step, I have already taken that step and now it's time to take another.

Thank you all, my brothers and sisters.

Edited February 9, 2011 by The_Real_Enigma
Update

[mightynancy]

It does sound like you could use counseling - there's nothing wrong with it. It may take a few tries before you find the right one...it's kind of like buying shoes. I know this from experience.

It's hard to be different - it's got a good share of awesome in it, too, but it's hard to see that when those who don't "get" you don't value you. Once YOU come to value you, and understand how much God values you, then it'll be easier to recognize it when people around you try to connect with you. Someone close to me suffers from anxiety, and it prevents them from seeing how much others actually care.

My best wishes to you - I do hope you'll give counseling a try. It's really helping my family currently.

[mightynancy]

Oh yeah - the LDS preaching of "the standards" often misses the mark when it comes to sex. I'm the YW president right now, and as a presidency we strive to make sure our girls get a healthy perspective on the topic. Rather than NO NO NO we focus on "not yet."

AND I just want to give you a hug. :)

[slamjet]

Dude, you need to talk to a professional. You have so many hang-ups that it will take time and a lot of willingness and work on your part to untangle it all.

Don't be so definite that you need to close yourself off from the world. Making yourself vulnerable to another person is scary, actually, down-right terrifying. It's a process, and you need to start it if you're going to find any happyness in life. Joy doesn't walk through the door unless you open yourself up and take the risks.

You are far to comfortable shutting down when things go wrong. You are finding far too much comfort in seeing yourself as less than a person, a failure and not worth anything. All this because it's easy and safe to be this way. So you get hurt, who hasn't? So you get embarrassed, who hasn't? So you get rejected, who hasn't? It's life. No amount of concrete you pour into that wall you're building around yourself will ever protect you from any of this.

You need to talk to a professional. You're about to deploy. When you get back, you are going to have to deal with a whole lot more. And not having the skills to release the anger, suffering, hurt, bad experiences will serve to eat you up from the inside out.

I have never been in the military, but I've been in a place that's one step above hell. Only because I could kill the person next to me if I felt like it. I came out of there with an attitude and experiences that still affect me. I may have been there a short time, but it was time enough to see all kinds of blood, hear all kinds of suffering, hear and see base behavior. Worse of all, having to delve down into that behavior to survive. And yes, I did and got respect enough where I was not messed with.

I am more worried about you not having the skills to handle what you're going to experience when you deploy and afterward. I went into my experience having had some counseling. I had to have more when I got out. Please, talk to someone. You need to learn to live in your own skin. Try Family Services. Believe me, there's nothing they haven't had to deal with. At least they weren't shocked with my confessions.

[Soulsearcher]

I can say i relate to most everything you've said, actually for the most part it's the same story I've been explaining to a friend the last lil while almost to a T. To avoid facing a lot of my fears i picked up and left my life behind to try and start over, and even then it only helped with a lot of superficial things. I still refuse to put myself out there and try to pursue a relationship. Yes I'm sure professional help could do good things for me but i have issues going down that road so i try to do a lot of it myself and that can work but it takes much longer to get a result you can live with. Best i can say is start with the little things, slowly start to change your comfort zone. For me it started with looking at what i wanted, being 100% honest with myself and getting past the lies and blinders that were self imposed. Sometimes that can be the hardest part. I'm still running up against lies i tell myself so i don't have to get too far outside my nice little comfort zone that i've told myself i deserve and can live with. As an example steps I've taken, and yes it helps me get to my goal but could be 100% unique to me.

1)moved away from my family and the only city i've ever known so i could feel free and anonymous.

2) Find someone I can trust to help me and be honest with me even if i don't like what they say. I've lucked out and found 2 people like this.

3) Figure out what you want, not think you want, not what people tell you that you want, be honest and say what you want. Took me a long time and to be honest still working on it.

4) Learn how to take care of yourself and get to a point you like yourself. This will be unique for everyone. For me it was a mix of physical and mental, so far the physical is coming along the mental will come over time.

5) Set little goals and test. I'm not keeping up as much as i should in the eyes of my support, but here and there i try to set a lil test for me to push myself in some way to force myself to go past where my comfort zone is right now. For me it's baby steps for others i know it's leaping tall buildings, but if you set them too high you will just back track and you feel over whelmed.

6) humility, it's hard but it's important, professional help, sage advice, or a slap upside the head, learn you need to accept it and admit that you need the help. Also get used to the smug i told you so that will come now and then, see it as the learning experience it should be vs the pain in the butt it can feel like.

As i said these are how i've started to move forward. I'm scared of rejection cause I've never had a healthy relationship and i know it's largely my fault for settling . Tie this is with stigma's I've been afraid of for over 30 years and confusion about starting over in a culture that confuses me and is against a lot of the ways i've gotten used to living my life and i feel very lost a lot of the time, but i have to make a choice just like you do. Either settle for less of a life than we deserve or suck it up and step up and life the life we deserve no matter how hard and uncomfortable.

[Origen]

I think you are just a sweet, sensitive man who is only missing self-esteem. I am about your age, I have never dated, and yes, I am not exactly a chick magnet. But I sincerely believe that the right girl IS out there. I actually have a very clear image in my mind of what she looks like and whatkind of person she is. Now I am just waiting for her to manifest and I fully expect that she will manifest when the time is right.

You say that most of the girls seem to prefer bullies and jerks? Well, yes there is a certain type of woman who loves jerks. These women (from what I have observed) all suffer from very low self-esteem. They desperately need EVERYONE to approve of them and like them so when a man comes along and preys upon their feelings of inadaquency, they are willing to do anything to earn his approval. Ignore these women. even if you got together with one of them she would drive you crazy with her insecurities. You can do better.

And the big one, I am repulsed by sex, short and sweet I grew up under the impression that sex was this terrible thing that only wicked people did, not good LDS people,

Are you really repulsed by sex or do you just have a very low (or non-existent) sex drive? You should really be clear about this with yourself because they are two different issues. I also had a very prudish upbringing but when I really analyzed my feelings I realized that I just didn't have a high sex drive; my upbringing had nothing to do with my lack of a sex life.

Maybe sex isn't what you are looking for. Maybe what you really crave is intimacy. This can be really hard for men because in our culture (I'm assuming you are American) men are not encouraged to form intimate friendships with each other and so you are only left with women who might mistake your desire for friendship for a sexual pass. What's worse, even if she does understand that you want to be her friend, her boyfriend or husband probably won't. I really wish I had a solution for you. Maybe try forming a friendship with another male who is more like you. Not macho or afraid of doing something 'gay' like giving his best friend a hug. If you still feel lonely then it may be that you really do need a woman in your life.

then it evolved into sex is this terrible thing that men force on women, that all men are insensitive, crass and sex crazed. That one has stuck with me for years; to this day I still struggle with it.

Are you serious? Seriously? I have have never had a girlfriend, but I have had LOTS of female friends and I can assure you with absolute certainty that you have it completely upside down! Women get just as horny as men it's just that, due to social conditioning, it is very easy for them to get what they want. Some women would have you BELIEVE they don't desire or enjoy sex because they want it to seem like they are doing you a favor so you will feel obligated tor them. But I assure you it's all a facade! Don't fall for it! Any woman worth your time will not play games like this. The minute a woman plays any kind of game with you, drop her and find someone else.

Yes I am scared of rejection; I've had enough of that, at least the brutal kind I have always gotten. Just a simple "no thank you" wouldn't be too hard to take.

The trick is to only ask women out girls whom you don't know very well. That way, if they reject you, it has very little emotional impact. Why should you care what a stranger thinks of you? The worst thing in the world is to be rejected by a woman you are already in love with.

I wish I could have been more helpful to you. When my dream girl comes into my life maybe I will have more to say.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Origen

[rameumptom]

There are many men in the Church who are extremely shy, and have a difficult time meeting and dating. Don't worry so much about it. Slow down.

Hugh Nibley was 46 years old when he first married. You are in good company.

Take one step at a time. First, work on your self confidence. Read books on building self confidence and happiness. There are hundreds out there that you can check out of the library. Take a couple years to build up your self confidence and self worth.

When you are ready in that area, you'll be better prepared for dating. I know several young men like you. One I know, who is 31, is just now beginning to date after years of being a recluse, because of struggles in his earlier years.

Work on yourself for now. Figure out where you are lacking in self esteem and worth, and work on those areas. Once you have healed yourself, or on the road to healing, you will be more prepared to deal with relationships outside of yourself.

[Guest The_Real_Enigma]

I think you are just a sweet, sensitive man who is only missing self-esteem. I am about your age, I have never dated, and yes, I am not exactly a chick magnet. But I sincerely believe that the right girl IS out there. I actually have a very clear image in my mind of what she looks like and whatkind of person she is. Now I am just waiting for her to manifest and I fully expect that she will manifest when the time is right.

You say that most of the girls seem to prefer bullies and jerks? Well, yes there is a certain type of woman who loves jerks. These women (from what I have observed) all suffer from very low self-esteem. They desperately need EVERYONE to approve of them and like them so when a man comes along and preys upon their feelings of inadaquency, they are willing to do anything to earn his approval. Ignore these women. even if you got together with one of them she would drive you crazy with her insecurities. You can do better.

Are you really repulsed by sex or do you just have a very low (or non-existent) sex drive? You should really be clear about this with yourself because they are two different issues. I also had a very prudish upbringing but when I really analyzed my feelings I realized that I just didn't have a high sex drive; my upbringing had nothing to do with my lack of a sex life.

Maybe sex isn't what you are looking for. Maybe what you really crave is intimacy. This can be really hard for men because in our culture (I'm assuming you are American) men are not encouraged to form intimate friendships with each other and so you are only left with women who might mistake your desire for friendship for a sexual pass. What's worse, even if she does understand that you want to be her friend, her boyfriend or husband probably won't. I really wish I had a solution for you. Maybe try forming a friendship with another male who is more like you. Not macho or afraid of doing something 'gay' like giving his best friend a hug. If you still feel lonely then it may be that you really do need a woman in your life.

Are you serious? Seriously? I have have never had a girlfriend, but I have had LOTS of female friends and I can assure you with absolute certainty that you have it completely upside down! Women get just as horny as men it's just that, due to social conditioning, it is very easy for them to get what they want. Some women would have you BELIEVE they don't desire or enjoy sex because they want it to seem like they are doing you a favor so you will feel obligated tor them. But I assure you it's all a facade! Don't fall for it! Any woman worth your time will not play games like this. The minute a woman plays any kind of game with you, drop her and find someone else.

The trick is to only ask women out girls whom you don't know very well. That way, if they reject you, it has very little emotional impact. Why should you care what a stranger thinks of you? The worst thing in the world is to be rejected by a woman you are already in love with.

I wish I could have been more helpful to you. When my dream girl comes into my life maybe I will have more to say.

I am deadly serious, as I said that was the impression I was given growing up and I still have some troubles with it to this day.