Blended family issue

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

I am not exactly sure where to put this at. My wife and I (well, mostly myself) need advice on a situation that is currently happening in our household.

Recently, we found out that my step-son (my wife's son) had established a new Facebook account. Not only did he establish a new Facebook account, he also established a new email account.

The rule of our house is that we are to have access to his emails and social media accounts. If we are not allowed access to these accounts, he can't have them at all.

Well, the problem started when my wife went into her son's Facebook account today (yesterday) and played Frontierville under his account, sending herself the things she needs. I let my wife log into my Facebook account to do the same thing. I have no problem with that. I have her password to hers, and she has access to mine.

At this time, my step son was at his father's house for the weekend and his stepmother was on facebook and asked why he could be logged in when he was sitting across from her. He then called and spoke to his mother about this, she informed him exactly what he was doing.

When they got off the phone, and within thirty minutes, we noticed that he established a new facebook account, and that he listed his step mother as his mother and his father as his father.

My wife came unglued and called him and asked him about this. I was not privy to the conversation, and only heard my wife's side of the story.

Now, this problem is much deeper than going and getting a second facebook account. The issue is that when he is here in our house, we have chores for him to complete, we are tight on our budget and what we can afford and what we can't afford. We are trying to teach him to work for the things he would like to have. Yet, whenever he goes over to his father's place, it is essentially daddy disneyland there. He gets whatever it is he wants. Unless it is new clothes, shoes or things he really stands in need of and then we get told "that is what child support is supposed to be for"

His father is a member and his step mother recently joined the church as well.

David also has access to energy drinks. We could not figure out why he comes home from his dad's and he is so wired to the point that he is up until 4 or 5 in the morning (again, lack of consistency between here and there).

Whenever we try and talk with his dad about these issues, he brushes them off as if we are making a big deal about it. That we should not be making a big deal.

Thus, we have parenting conflicts going on and we have done everything we can to resolve these issues. Yet, my step son still displays the same out of control behavior, he is starting to show a tendency towards violence by making statements that are inappropriate. He does not act appropriately when we are out in public (lack of self-control), he is very self indulgent and selfish. For instance, whenever I come home from the store, he is right at me asking if I had gotten him anything and then gets upset when I tell him no, I got what we needed for dinner for the week, or for that night.

He is very disrespectful because his dad has told him (as well as his favorite uncle) that he is to not to listen to me, and that I am not family or his father.

We have prayed, and we have done everything we can and we are at our rope and not sure what more we can do. I have suggested contacting our attorney and limiting his father's visits to one day for only 5 hours and then with the agreement that when my stepsons behavior improves and that the influence his father has on him is realized to being detrimental to his own son, we would increase visitation times.

Basically, at the end of my rope here and not sure what to do about this situation. The option to have his father take care of him is not one we will consider. My step son is in his early teens.

[applepansy]

Blended families are difficult. Especially under the circumstances you describe. I'm so sorry that all the adults in this child's life can't be on the same page for his sake.

Have you considered counseling? Would it be possible to involve both bishops and get the family as a whole into counseling so that issues can be resolved and all the adults are working together in stead of at cross purposes?

Addition: I realize money is tight. Bishops have the ability to help financially with counseling issues if they feel its necessary.

[Maureen]

There are good online sources about blended families; google them and check them out.

It might be a good idea to meet with your stepson's father and step-mother and work this out between the four of you and the child.

M.

[SeattleTruthSeeker]

There are good online sources about blended families; google them and check them out.

It might be a good idea to meet with your stepson's father and step-mother and work this out between the four of you and the child.

M.

Thank you, and yes, we have spoken with his father at length on several interrelated issues. The response we got back was a mere excuse making, shrugging. In fact, when my stepson was at a DI volunteering (His dad is working there now and going to school), one of the clients of the DI program made a casual threat against my stepson. His father got made because I raised a big stink about it. My wife and I looked at each other and I asked her, doesn't he appreciate the fact that I am looking out for the safety of his son while he is in our care?

We are thinking of going back to the bishop and getting family counseling for all of us and how we can cope with my stepsons behavior. It is getting to the point that it is out of control.

[Echo2002]

I agree with Apple, counseling might be beneficial, especially if the adults can all meet together and have a moderator for the discussion. Your son is at the age of rebellion and his father is encouraging the behavior. I'm not so sure decreasing the time spent with his dad is going to help, it might make it worse. Your son may act out even more because he thinks you are taking his father away from him.

[classylady]

Blended families are hard. My husband received custody of his two children from his first marriage. His ex-wife was excommunicated and did not live gospel standards after their divorce. It was hard to allow the children to stay with her when she had visitation, because we didn't know what kind of atmosphere she was putting the children in. We never knew when she would have boyfriends over while the children were there, etc. And as a lot of custodial parents can tell you, when the children visit the non-custodial parent, it is often like visiting Santa Claus. The non-custodial parent has a tendency to indulge the children--and that's understandable to some degree. They don't see the children on a regular basis, so they try to make up for it when they have the children. And they tend to be more lenient with discipline because they want to make sure the children like visiting them. Again, that is understandable to some degree. But, it does make it hard on the custodial parent. And it is very hard to step back and allow the other parent to discipline and care for their children in the manner that they see fit. As long as there isn't any abuse, there's not a whole lot that can be done. The ideal situation is for all adults to agree on discipline and to treat each other with respect. Sadly, that is often not the case.

Has your wife and her ex been divorced long? It seems like the first years after a divorce are the hardest. Often, there is still some bitterness involved, and they often get the new spouses involved with the bitterness. From my perspective, the bitterness fades over the years. And in my case, it got easier over the years. But, it's so hard when you're right smack-dab-in-the-middle-of-it.

My advice is to let your step-son know that you love him. You may not be his biological father, but you still love him, and you care about him. You want the best for him. You want to see him succeed. Let him know this by word and by how you treat him. Communication is so important, but at the same time can be difficult. Set him the example of a loving, concerned parent. He will, as he matures, see that in you.

Best of luck! Hope things get better soon.

Edited July 11, 2011 by classylady

[rameumptom]

This would be an issue of custody. If your wife holds full custody, then it is within her rights to determine his computer access, etc. If there is joint-custody, then you are kind of outta luck, unless you want to readdress it in court.

Your wife really should not have been accessing the boy's Facebook account as she was. In creating it, she should have established with him that she can check it to ensure he's not doing anything bad. And then leave it at that. She should not have used his account to play her games. Because of her indiscretion, she's lost his trust. And I don't blame him for not trusting her in regards to this now. Have a talk with the boy, apologize for the bad choice. Then work an agreement that she will stay out of his stuff for her games, but she needs enough access just to check up on occasion to make sure he is not doing what he shouldn't. And then keep that promise.