Still hurting over husband rejecting the church

[JudoMinja]

Thank you for addressing my concern, zuko. I just wanted to make sure that my little "red flag" wasn't catching a bigger problem. While your husband slighting your faith in front of his family and friends is not a good thing for him to be doing, it does not sound like he is doing it as a way to be controlling from what you described. And his insecurity sounds like the natural consequence of the changes you are going through. These are both things that will settle with time, if you are able to show him unconditional love and fidelity.

I can also understand your concern about your future. I sometimes wonder myself if I will ever be able to have the blessing of a temple marriage in this life. It is something I was promised in my patriarchal blessing- conditional upon my righteousness, and it is possible I have blundered that blessing. My situation is a bit different from yours though in that I am now a divorcee with a child and I could potentially find a temple worthy husband. In your situation, you could only have a temple marriage in this life if your husband converts or you divorce him to find someone else. I strongly advice against that second option as we should only resort to divorce for extreme circumstances, and it sounds like you agree :).

If your husband is going to feel secure about your marriage, you are going to need to build confidence in your own ability to have eternal happiness. Since he does not believe the church is true, to him your only option for happiness is to divorce him. Why would you stay with him if you believe you can never be truly happy with him? Of course he is thinking this and it is causing him insecurity, and you are clearly worried about it too.

The key is to have faith in the Savior and the atonement. You need to believe that your past decisions will not exclude you from blessings you are currently worthy of receiving. You need to believe in the process of repentance and that God truly delights to bless His children. You will be granted ALL the blessings you are worthy of, eventually. Even if your husband never joins the church, even if you never experience a temple marriage in this life, as long as you live worthy of the blessings God has promised, there will be a way made available for you to receive them. You will not be punished for circumstances beyond your control. You will not be punished for remaining faithful to your husband and your covenant of marriage just because he does not believe the church is true.

You do not need to fear. All will work out in the end. Your marriage can be a happy one. You just have to have faith and trust in the Lord and continue to do your best in striving to be worthy of God's blessings.

[cew03]

sounds like a deal breaker ....you might as will just throw in the tail go to byu and get a certificated in marriage

[Dernge]

Ok, this will probably end up long and rambling but I think I have some insight into this. I was raised LDS but always felt it was forced on me and as soon as I was old enough not to be forced by my parents, I stopped going to church. My wife also was raised LDS and was generally active. When we started dating, I made absolutely no secret of my general lack of belief in the LDS Church. We dated for six years and have been married for 20 as of this September. Through these years, my beliefs have never changed. When my mother-in-law passed away my wife became more serious about the church and she went through the temple. I had no issues with that and praised her for following what she believed. I was slightly worried that it would change our relationship because I didn't know, and still don't, what goes on the temple, etc. At first, nothing changed. It's been three years or so now and I can say that things have changed. It's subtle, but the changes are there. Two of my kids are at the age when they don't really like going to church. At one point, my wife made a comment that I was a bad example. I have taught them to be moral, honest, hard-working, and respectful. Just because I don't go to church I'm a bad example? Which leads to the next issue. Of course at church they talk about temple marriage and how it's required for a family to stay together forever. My belief is I don't need passwords and secret handshakes to get into heaven. I also believe that families will be together, temple or not. So, when my son is telling me that I have to go to the temple or we won't be together what am I supposed to say? I simply told him I, personally, don't believe that's how it works. Naturally, my wife was unhappy with me for that response. So, I should lie about my thoughts and beliefs? I don't believe something as personal and serious as religious beliefs should be faked. I have a friend who straight up lied to his Bishop so he could renew his recommend and go to his daughter's sealing. He directly told me to my face, "just lie so you can make everybody happy." I refuse to do that. Finally, I was joking one day about a church that had a coffee bar and generally worshiped nature. I said "man, I should join that church." Again, just joking around. She says: "At least you would believe in something." So, she's dismissing all my feelings because they don't jive with the LDS Church. In contrast, I have not once made a comment about her activity, beliefs, hideous looking garments, etc. I don't know how you interact with your husband, but it is possible that his comments about drinking and your church membership are in response to subtle comments you've made. Again, I have no idea if that's the case or not, but I've seen it personally in my situation. The bottom line is I can sympathize with your husband's insecurity. I have it as well and at times I feel like my wife thinks less of me and is not happy. I don't know if this is actually true or not but it is a feeling I get.

I don't know how well any of this relates to your issue, but I do know I understand your husband's feelings and I don't think it's fair for you to make him change or make him feel like he's at fault because he won't. (not saying you are doing that, just that you shouldn't) My wife knew exactly what I was when she married me and I haven't changed. She has, and I'm fine with it. I still love and accept her and I feel she should do the same. As far as the girl goes who married the non-member and then divorced when he wouldn't convert, the relief society class should have been chastising her for compromising her beliefs in the first place. If temple marriage was that important to her she shouldn't have married a non member in the first place. I'm sure the guy didn't go into the marriage telling her he was going to convert.

[Backroads]

I think that Dernge brought up some great points. From what I understand from friends who have mixed-faith relationships, complete respect and lack of bitterness are KEY. I'm not going to go as far as accusing you of saying little nasty things to your husband because I just don't know, but it is possible that little things have been done/said unconsciously that your husband is responding to, which may lead him to saying things. Even perception of what is being done/said can no doubt affect this.

I don't think I ever made an official response to this, but I say stick with your husband if you love him and want to be with him. Have faith that all will work out as it should. Always be sure to stand up for your beliefs and don't settle for anything less than completel respect for them, but offer that same complete respect to your husband.