I need some help!

[sportsfan]

I'm contemplating divorce. I've always been active in the church. I try really hard to progress spiritually. My wife was abused as a child and has some major issues. She will not pray with me. She says she has issues from her childhood. She's not affectionate with me... she's always got a different excuse. I've tried really, really hard to have her pray with me. Does anybody have any suggestions? I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to progress spiritually with me. She doesn't have a temple recommend and she hasn't been to the temple since we've been married.

[skippy740]

Okay... let me get this straight...

- She won't pray with you

- She won't 'be affectionate'

- She hasn't been to the temple

- She has issues

- She has excuses

You can't fix her. You can only fix you.

That said... what happened when you suggested marriage counseling with an LDS marriage counselor?

Counseling first. THEN you begin considering the next step... whatever that may be.

BTW, coming from a man who is soon to be divorced and trying to learn from his own mistakes, the more times you say 'she' or 'her'... makes me wonder if you're looking at yourself in the right way too.

I am of the opinion that Self-Righteousness is a marriage killer. Be careful.

[Justice]

You describe my wife and our relationship about 20 years ago. My wife was also abused, and suffered from many of the same things you describe.

All I can tell you is that we've been married 20 years (almost) and it didn't get better overnight. It's going to take a huge effort on your part to overcome the destruction done to her by the abuse. If you're not willing, or if your marriage isn't worth it to you, then you may as well just throw in the towel now. You're just wasting your time.

But, one piece of advice before you decide... remember the harder you work at something the greater the rewards are. You're in store for a great marriage if you grab the bull by the horns and decide now you're in this until the end. So, put away this doubt and uncertainty and decide your marriage is eternal, and put your working shoes on. It's going to take a great deal of effort and sacrifice, but unless there's something else in your life more worthy of your time and effort, what have you got to lose?

My wife went through counseling shortly after we got married (I only went with her when she asked). She says it helped her, but she had surpressed memories that were brought out during the counseling. It made it very difficult on us, but is necessary for long term health and sanity... especially for when you have kids.

You've chosen your path, and you now have to be the bigger man, or get off the horse now before any more harm is done. In my case, it took several long years before she even "began" to trust me. As far as your relationship with her is concenred, you have to be beyond reproach with her. Any dishonesty will go a long way. Be honest, and let her know you are going to be. You have to tell her everything for a time.

She's the one that needs help, and you're the one that is "put out" because of it. But, she's your wife, and she's worth it. Just love her, and don't give up on her... don't even think that you want to leave. She can't think or see it in you that you're considering leaving. Tell her you're there no matter what, and she'll test you... but do it. Even when she's angry, screaming, and calling you names (and hits you if it happens) tell her you love her and you'll always be there for her. It'll all be over soon, and you'll have the marriage you want with the person you've chosen.

You're going to have to pray for His help and strength. But, make the decision now.

[applepansy]

You describe my wife and our relationship about 20 years ago. My wife was also abused, and suffered from many of the same things you describe.

All I can tell you is that we've been married 20 years (almost) and it didn't get better overnight. It's going to take a huge effort on your part to overcome the destruction done to her by the abuse. If you're not willing, or if your marriage isn't worth it to you, then you may as well just throw in the towel now. You're just wasting your time.

But, one piece of advice before you decide... remember the harder you work at something the greater the rewards are. You're in store for a great marriage if you grab the bull by the horns and decide now you're in this until the end. So, put away this doubt and uncertainty and decide your marriage is eternal, and put your working shoes on. It's going to take a great deal of effort and sacrifice, but unless there's something else in your life more worthy of your time and effort, what have you got to lose?

My wife went through counseling shortly after we got married (I only went with her when she asked). She says it helped her, but she had surpressed memories that were brought out during the counseling. It made it very difficult on us, but is necessary for long term health and sanity... especially for when you have kids.

You've chosen your path, and you now have to be the bigger man, or get off the horse now before any more harm is done. In my case, it took several long years before she even "began" to trust me. As far as your relationship with her is concenred, you have to be beyond reproach with her. Any dishonesty will go a long way. Be honest, and let her know you are going to be. You have to tell her everything for a time.

She's the one that needs help, and you're the one that is "put out" because of it. But, she's your wife, and she's worth it. Just love her, and don't give up on her... don't even think that you want to leave. She can't think or see it in you that you're considering leaving. Tell her you're there no matter what, and she'll test you... but do it. Even when she's angry, screaming, and calling you names (and hits you if it happens) tell her you love her and you'll always be there for her. It'll all be over soon, and you'll have the marriage you want with the person you've chosen.

You're going to have to pray for His help and strength. But, make the decision now.

Justice, very well said. Your advice applies not just to this situation but for all marriages.

[Justice]

It took me a minute to find it, but here is the talk and counsel you need, my friend.

?Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time? - general-conference

[JudoMinja]

What you've written sounds like my mother. She came from an abusive childhood and has a hard time with prayer and affection. She does have her temple recommend and a strong testimony of the gospel, but anything that requires human interaction and affection is difficult for her. If you had been my father posting this and she would have seen it, she would have been devastated.

Loving a woman who has been through abuse and has a hard time with affection takes an enormous amount of patience, but it is worth it. My father has strived to show her an unfailing love, and their marriage has benefitted greatly from it. They have been married for 25 years now, and my mother still has some issues to work on (and so does my father), but I can see that they are far happier and more "together" than they were at the beginning of their marriage. I remember them having many fights as I was growing up, but they always handled their emotions responsibly and strived to communicate clearly with one another. I could never even imagine them being divorced. My mother often worries that my father might leave her, but he is a very stubbornly stalwart and righteous man. That he might be unfaithful and/or consider divoce is unthinkable.

I'm sure he struggles with the lack of affection. I can tell it is sometimes hard on him. But though my mother lacks affection, she is still very loving- she works very hard to show her love through her works. Keeping the house clean, budgeting, doing laundry, cooking, caring for my brothers who still live at home, etc. She is always supportive of my father's decisions, and they often do things together. I do not doubt that she loves my father very much.

Don't give up on your marriage. Seek help and counseling, but don't give up. There was a period in time where my parents were going to a marriage counselor, and they realized that they were often communicating past one another. Once they came to better understand HOW the other expressed love, HOW they managed their stress, HOW they implied they were struggling with something, etc their marriage become much stronger and calmer. Counseling can work wonders if you both go into it with a desire to improve your relationship.

[sportsfan]

Thanks so much for the advice. I love my wife but I'm losing interest in her as every day passes. She drains me. She is so negative I don't know what to do.... I've spoken with her about it and it doesn't help. It's true. I either need to get off the horse now or saddle up for a tough ride. We've only been married for two years so either way there can be recovery. I really appreciate you guys. I know a marriage takes two, plus the Lord but I feel we've never had any sort of spiritual bonding.