Who's your friend?

anim82r · November 29, 2011

There was a story told by one of our general authorities from his personal experience. I’m sorry I can’t remember who it was who told it. And also I’m sorry that I might not tell it accurately, but the story goes somewhat like this:

As this Elder (the story teller) was about to go to a Church meeting he saw two boys on bikes racing against each other. They were newsboys and they were out to deliver the papers for that day. One of them was of course ahead of the other. As the boy upfront passed by our goodly Elder something happened which caused him to fall off his bike, tumbled and was downed to the pavement, papers flying all over. The Elder hastily ran to him to help and check how the boy was. He got himself up and quickly picked up the scattered newspapers. While both of them were picking up the papers the second boy speedily passed by boisterously laughing at the other one. The Elder, shaking his head, remarked, “Your friend doesn’t quite treat you well now, does he?” To which the fallen boy replied, “He’s not my friend. He’s my brother!”

Can someone be our blood relative but not our friend? Seems to me that more often than not, this is quite the case. I have to admit my siblings aren’t my friends either. I don’t think there is any of my relative who is also a friend. Of course we do love our kin but they were not always our friends. What’s worse, we so often see lovers, such as engaged couples and married ones who loved each other so dearly but are not friends. Some songs actually go with lyrics like, “I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be your lover!”

Spencer W. Kimball taught that genuine love doesn’t come overnight. It grows through time. He stressed that it should build up within the bounds of friendship. No wonder he sweetly advises Latter-Day Saints, “Marry your best friend.” I think this is what’s lacking in many marriages. Correct me if I’m wrong but I think many friends don’t keep secrets from each other but do keep a few from their spouses! A leader in the Church wisely taught, “If your spouse is your friend, your best friend. Quarrels and fights will be lesser. There will be only laughter and joking around all the time.” Maybe less jokes and less laughter but less fights too, because you are best of friends. And let me add from my personal married experience, whenever my wife and I would fall into heated arguments, we converse with each other as friends. The things that we can’t resolve as married couple we resolve as friends. As best friends! I think I can safely say that whenever couples got into fight they ran to their friends for comforting. Whereas if your spouse is your friend and you’ve gotten into an argument, you run to each other for comforting because you are friends. My wife and I would always find ourselves playing like kids immediately after an argument. Because after a little silent treatment one of us would start throwing a pillow or two. Then, a smile. Then a revenge—throw a larger, heavier pillow! Then the riot begins! It’s all that. Then we can start talking about what we’ve argued about, this time more peaceful and a lot of giving in. Nothing beats friendship. If your spouse is only your lover, chances are you’ll end up unhappy. Now we have extended this friendship with our kids. We are very happy they open up to us and tell us their deepest secrets as if they’re just talking to their peers, giggles including! Try building up that friendship in your marriage. I believe that our closest relationship with the Lord was when He offered His friendship: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you (John 15:13, 14). In my opinion friendship is by far the strongest relationship in the world! It has the power to save marriages!

Edited November 29, 2011 by anim82r

Forget-Me-Not · November 29, 2011

Thank you for this wonderful post. I had to put on the Tim McGraw song "My Best Friend" after reading it. This is how family, and marriage, should be. :)

Dravin · November 29, 2011

Some songs actually go with lyrics like, “I don’t want to be your friend. I want to be your lover!”

If anything there is a tendecy to depict marriage (and lovers) as friends who have sex which I think mischaracterizes the nature of the relationship because it is much more than that. But maybe I've just never had any really deep friendships.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I think many friends don’t keep secrets from each other but do keep a few from their spouses!

I admit I only have my own personal experiences to go on, and they run counter to that. The nature of 'secrets' tends to be different, you don't hide the fact you bought a new power-tool from your friends but many people keep relationship difficulties from their friends. It also depends how you define a secret. I certainly 'keep secrets' from friends by not sharing every aspect of my life with them, for instance my sex life in any sort of detail is not going to be something I'm sharing with my friends.

The things that we can’t resolve as married couple we resolve as friends. As best friends! I think I can safely say that whenever couples got into fight they ran to their friends for comforting. Whereas if your spouse is your friend and you’ve gotten into an argument, you run to each other for comforting because you are friends.

Sounds like you're talking about cleaving to each other in the marriage relationship. I whole heartily agree but I disagree with the dichotomy you seem to draw that places such cleaving in the friendship category. But then I see the qualities of friendship as aspects of the marriage relationship which the marriage relationship should strengthen and intensify (and while I have a responsibility to seek comfort and counsel from my spouse I have no such responsibility with friends). And I suspect that's what you are talking about. It's just your presentation depicts (in my mind) this idea that you have these two separate concepts of A and B. I'm inclined to look at them as A + B = C and C is what you should have.

I suspect it's mostly a perspective difference rather than anything substantive.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Dravin

anim82r · November 29, 2011

If anything there is a tendecy to depict marriage (and lovers) as friends who have sex which I think mischaracterizes the nature of the relationship because it is much more than that. But maybe I've just never had any really deep friendships.
I admit I only have my own personal experiences to go on, and they run counter to that. The nature of 'secrets' tends to be different, you don't hide the fact you bought a new power-tool from your friends but many people keep relationship difficulties from their friends.
Sounds like you're talking about cleaving to each other in the marriage relationship. I whole heartily agree but I disagree with the dichotomy you seem to draw that places such cleaving in the friendship category. But then I see the qualities of friendship as aspects of the marriage relationship which the marriage relationship should strengthen and intensify (and while I have a responsibility to seek comfort and counsel from my spouse I have no such responsibility with friends). And I suspect that's what you are talking about. It's just your presentation depicts (in my mind) this idea that you have these two separate concepts of A and B. I'm inclined to look at them as A + B = C and C is what you should have.
I suspect it's mostly a perspective difference rather than anything substantive.

Well thanks! that's a good observation you presented there! It does quite sound a little not too substantive. Almost like a dream, ain't it? but hey, it's a perspective that works hehe! And I suspect that I'm not the only one enjoying this perspective. And it's my prayer that it become a solid substance for everyone else to enjoy.:)

November 29, 2011

Thank you for this wonderful post. I had to put on the Tim McGraw song "My Best Friend" after reading it. This is how family, and marriage, should be. :)

It isn't???

Okay, relating to the story. If my sister and I would be racing our bikes and she falls down and scatters her papers everywhere, I can see myself speeding by laughing too. It's pretty condescending for the Elder to judge that the brother speeding by was not "being a friend".

The thing with friends (and sisters) is - we know each other so well that we can glance at the other, read their faces accurately within a split second to tell if they're hurt or not, and get on with the game! She gathers her papers, hop on her bike, try to catch up, the whole time I'm sticking my tongue out at her... we reach the finish line laughing our buns off!

We don't have to let the other win to be "nice"... we take every advantage to win the game and beat her by a mile if we can! And that's just okay - because that's the great thing about being friends - you can let go of all inhibitions because your love for each other is too deeply rooted to have to kowtow to express it. The love is constant.

I guess it's the Filipino culture in me. But, I see my brothers in a fist fight against each other one moment and then somebody comes to side with a brother and take a punch at the other and the brother takes umbrage at the new guy beating up his brother so it ends up in fisticuffs, two brothers against the new guy... that's just the way of things in families. Especially brothers.

Is my sister my friend? Friend is too mild a word. She's not my friend - she's my sister! That goes deeper than just being friends. We can be at each other's throat one moment (which happens) but she knows that she can borrow money from me before the yelling even ends.

I never dated. Anybody interested in me can join my circle of friends. My husband was one of my best friends for 2 years. I've seen him in his worst and best moments within those 2 years and he has seen me on all my ugly splendor. He asked me to marry him, I said yes, and a week later we got married. We didn't need giant festivities and bridesmaids to celebrate, we took all our friends and family to Pizza Hut! We wanted to be together as soon as possible. We've been married 14 years. He's not my friend. He's my husband! That goes A LOT DEEPER than just friends! I have a jillion friends a lot of them I consider best friends. I have one husband.

So yeah - you don't have to like your sister - you never had a choice on who you get to be your sister. But that's the true meaning of charity. To love your sister - in everything that she is - the good, the bad, the ugly.

And that lesson you can apply to your husband. This time you had a choice. So it should be easier. Sisters can be considered as... practice.

And here's a shout-out to my sister! I LOVE YOU, POOPY HEAD!

Edited November 29, 2011 by anatess

anim82r · November 29, 2011

It wasn't my plan to include that kind of "secrets" when I said many friends don't keep secrets from each other. I was not going there. And I used "many" to mean not all. I believe you're not one of the "many" who tell "every aspects" of their lives to friends, of which I commend you. But there are those who do. One of the things that hurt spouses big time. The moral of the thread I posted is that friendship can really play an important role in keeping a happy married life and family.:)

Edited November 29, 2011 by anim82r

sister_in_faith · November 29, 2011

anim82r I think you hit the nail on the head. nicely done!

anim82r · November 29, 2011

It isn't???
Okay, relating to the story. If my sister and I would be racing our bikes and she falls down and scatters her papers everywhere, I can see myself speeding by laughing too. It's pretty condescending for the Elder to judge that the brother speeding by was not "being a friend".
The thing with friends (and sisters) is - we know each other so well that we can glance at the other, read their faces accurately within a split second to tell if they're hurt or not, and get on with the game! She gathers her papers, hop on her bike, try to catch up, the whole time I'm sticking my tongue out at her... we reach the finish line laughing our buns off!
We don't have to let the other win to be "nice"... we take every advantage to win the game and beat her by a mile if we can! And that's just okay - because that's the great thing about being friends - you can let go of all inhibitions because your love for each other is too deeply rooted to have to kowtow to express it. The love is constant.
I guess it's the Filipino culture in me. But, I see my brothers in a fist fight against each other one moment and then somebody comes to side with a brother and take a punch at the other and the brother takes umbrage at the new guy beating up his brother so it ends up in fisticuffs, two brothers against the new guy... that's just the way of things in families. Especially brothers.
Is my sister my friend? Friend is too mild a word. She's not my friend - she's my sister! That goes deeper than just being friends. We can be at each other's throat one moment (which happens) but she knows that she can borrow money from me before the yelling even ends.
I never dated. Anybody interested in me can join my circle of friends. My husband was one of my best friends for 2 years. I've seen him in his worst and best moments within those 2 years and he has seen me on all my ugly splendor. He asked me to marry him, I said yes, and a week later we got married. We didn't need giant festivities and bridesmaids to celebrate, we took all our friends and family to Pizza Hut! We wanted to be together as soon as possible. We've been married 14 years. He's not my friend. He's my husband! That goes A LOT DEEPER than just friends! I have a jillion friends a lot of them I consider best friends. I have one husband.
So yeah - you don't have to like your sister - you never had a choice on who you get to be your sister. But that's the true meaning of charity. To love your sister - in everything that she is - the good, the bad, the ugly.
And that lesson you can apply to your husband. This time you had a choice. So it should be easier. Sisters can be considered as... practice.
And here's a shout-out to my sister! I LOVE YOU, POOPY HEAD!

Hmm... :mellow: you know. That thread I posted was majorly based on the whole body of the story. That was just the head. Since I cannot write all in here the content (as I do not have the material here so I can't put it all in as verbatim as I could) I thought of just shortening it by relating my own experience. But the general idea of that wonderful general authority's message in that talk of his is the essential role friendship plays in our family relationship. I only focused on the marriage part because this area is about marriage. I love my brothers and sister too. We even extend help to distant relatives without ever waiting for something in return. I think I do understand Charity by as much as you do sister. One of the things foreigners admire about Filipinos is our close family ties, one of which I'm proud of as a Filipino. And it would be better with friendship in it as the good Elder wants to put it. On the other hand I admire your great love for your husband and family. I will not attempt to incline myself into telling you anything else to better your relationship. It is already good. Probably one of the best! But what you presented here is in total disarray with what I was trying to convey. In a way it wasn't my story you are trying to discredit, but that of a wise Church leader. I hope everyone here will understand that it is not my intention to argue or push my personal beliefs and say mine is better than yours. I just want to follow Elder M. Russel Ballard's counsel--Use the internet to preach the Gospel. The thread I posted was a message from a respected leader, only paraphrased. Maybe much lesser in degree than how he delivered it. So sorry I can't remember who it was. But his message was too impressive for me to ignore it so I thought I should post it from memory.

Peace Anatess. I would love to be your friend.:)

Forget-Me-Not · November 29, 2011

It isn't???
Okay, relating to the story. If my sister and I would be racing our bikes and she falls down and scatters her papers everywhere, I can see myself speeding by laughing too. It's pretty condescending for the Elder to judge that the brother speeding by was not "being a friend".
The thing with friends (and sisters) is - we know each other so well that we can glance at the other, read their faces accurately within a split second to tell if they're hurt or not, and get on with the game! She gathers her papers, hop on her bike, try to catch up, the whole time I'm sticking my tongue out at her... we reach the finish line laughing our buns off!
We don't have to let the other win to be "nice"... we take every advantage to win the game and beat her by a mile if we can! And that's just okay - because that's the great thing about being friends - you can let go of all inhibitions because your love for each other is too deeply rooted to have to kowtow to express it. The love is constant.
I guess it's the Filipino culture in me. But, I see my brothers in a fist fight against each other one moment and then somebody comes to side with a brother and take a punch at the other and the brother takes umbrage at the new guy beating up his brother so it ends up in fisticuffs, two brothers against the new guy... that's just the way of things in families. Especially brothers.
Is my sister my friend? Friend is too mild a word. She's not my friend - she's my sister! That goes deeper than just being friends. We can be at each other's throat one moment (which happens) but she knows that she can borrow money from me before the yelling even ends.
I never dated. Anybody interested in me can join my circle of friends. My husband was one of my best friends for 2 years. I've seen him in his worst and best moments within those 2 years and he has seen me on all my ugly splendor. He asked me to marry him, I said yes, and a week later we got married. We didn't need giant festivities and bridesmaids to celebrate, we took all our friends and family to Pizza Hut! We wanted to be together as soon as possible. We've been married 14 years. He's not my friend. He's my husband! That goes A LOT DEEPER than just friends! I have a jillion friends a lot of them I consider best friends. I have one husband.
So yeah - you don't have to like your sister - you never had a choice on who you get to be your sister. But that's the true meaning of charity. To love your sister - in everything that she is - the good, the bad, the ugly.
And that lesson you can apply to your husband. This time you had a choice. So it should be easier. Sisters can be considered as... practice.
And here's a shout-out to my sister! I LOVE YOU, POOPY HEAD!

Thankfully we can learn to love those around us, even when they're as imperfect as we, lol. Sometimes, though, we can also learn painful lessons about life that can change our understanding of what we value most. A painful lesson I learned in my life was how important it is for a husband and wife to truly be friends, and best friends. Others may not have this need for themselves, but I have learned that I do.

P.S. Don't want you to think I laughed at your entire post either, but I couldn't help laugh at your shout-out to your sister.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Forget-Me-Not
P.S.

November 29, 2011