"What Happy Couples Do." by Br. Brinley

[MrShorty]

I picked up my Jan. 2012 Ensign and read this (What Happily Married Couples Do - Ensign Jan. 2012 - ensign) article. Br. Brinley lists 10 ideas for enriching marriages. It's a short article, so one couldn't expect a thorough treatment of any of the concepts presented.

A few of my own thoughts on each:

1) Positive conversation: I can't think of any serious treatment on improving marriage that doesn't include some thought on increasing/improving conversation. It's so common, it's almost cliche. At the same time, routine conversation doesn't come naturally to everyone (including me). I find that I have to be very deliberate in putting things out there to share with my wife. A lot of time, I try to say something I wouldn't normally say just to get/keep a conversation going. I would be interested if anyone wanted to share how you have made positive conversation a part of your marriage, especially when it doesn't come naturally to you.

2) Show affection: As I read his paragraph on this, I took this to mean mostly non-sexual touching and other ways that we show each other we care. Without going to much into #6, this one is a mixed bag for me, but, as one whose primary love language is physical touch, I can say that non-sexual touch, cuddling, etc. can be important in communicating love and caring.

3) Remember that you are each other's therapists: I'm not quite sure what he means by this one. This point here seems to me to be about going beyond the "positive conversation" of point 1 and really opening up to each other. This can be tricky, though. Sometimes it is too easy to dismiss our spouses deepest feelings/dreams/wishes as unimportant because we don't seek to truly understand.

4) Humility and Christlike attributes. Another point that I don't think I fully understood, but the one thing that stood out to me was trying to approach marriage as a team. Trying to work together to resolve problems rather than let our spouse solve their own problems while we sit on the sidelines and wait.

5) Date frequently: Another one that is almost cliche, but it is important to spend time together outside of the daily routine.

6) Enrich Intimacy: This is one of those little pet peeves for me -- using the word "intimacy" as a substitute for the word "sex." I can also understand, though, that the Ensign is supposed to be a "family" magazine, and the editors are trying to avoid any chance of offending readers, so we couch such concepts in these little code words that, IMO, rob the discussion of some of its teeth.

Anyway, from the point of view of one in a sexless marriage, this is an interesting part of the article. I'm gratified that he chose to include this idea in the article -- it is too often ignored. I find it interesting that he chose to include this separate from 2 - non-sexual touch, because the two parts need to be dealt with separately. At the same time, however, I sometimes find it difficult to keep them separate. It just gets hard to show non-sexual affection when it never leads anywhere.

7) Spend time with children and grandchildren: This was an interesting inclusion. Many studies show that raising children adds a stressor to a marriage that isn't always good. At the same time, I would agree with him that sharing in the challenges and responsibilities of raising children provides a common endeavor to share in. If shared in the right ways, which will involve a lot of #1, #3, and #4, this can help a couple grow together rather than driving them apart.

8) Seek feedback: This one is really hard for me, because I'm not always sure I want the feedback. I'm in the middle of one of the Gottman's book, and they have a concept they call "flooding," where someone, in response to a difficult conversation/topic, becomes so emotional that they can't engage in the conversation. It can be really difficult to seek feedback when it scares you.

9) Eliminate anger: This one almost seems self-evident. It is also way too common.

10) Be sensitive to each other's stress levels: This maybe goes back a little to #4, but we should strive to help each other rather than be part of increasing their stress levels.

Marriages around the church struggle in many ways. How have you implented these 10 principles? How have you seen them help your marriage? What difficulties have you faced trying to make these work?

[Guest]

1. I admit that this is one that comes pretty easily for us, even though we're both on the introverted side. We enjoy each other's company. But there have been times that I've felt like I just don't have much to tell him. That's when I know it's time to read a good book, pick up a hobby, spend time with some other people, even learn more about something on the internet. Then I have something to go on. I guess that's become a habit, because I got tired of having nothing but how many times the baby pooped and what was on Oprah to talk to him about.

2. We rarely pass each other without a hug, a little kiss, a pat on the bottom (lol), a touch on the shoulder. . . something. This one hasn't always been easy for me, coming from a family that showed virtually no physical affection. He let me know early on, though, that it was important to him. I had to learn that even if I was busy doing something else or headed somewhere else in the house, it was worth those few seconds to stop and accept a hug or a kiss. Then I found myself initiating affection after awhile.

3. We are best friend to each other. We don't talk about our relationship problems with anyone else. We discuss our personal struggles with each other, and get input from each other on whatever might be eating at us. We can be vulnerable with each other because we can trust that the other won't go running to mom or sister or friend to relay information that is none of their business.

4. This makes me think of 1 Cor. 13, especially the ever-famous wedding verses (4-7):

4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Of course we substitute the word "charity" for love. To me that means thinking the best of my husband and his intentions. It means trying not to be offended, but taking for granted that he is still my sweetheart who I fell in love with, he is a good person, and he loves me, and wants me to be happy and doesn't want to hurt me. (Of course a necessary part of this equation is that those things are true. If he were abusive or mistreated me, this would be dangerous, enabling thinking and behavior.)It's realizing that he is as human and mistake-prone as I am and that he is trying his best, just as I am. It's working as a team and rejoicing in his victories and successes as he does in mine, instead of being jealous or resentful of the things he "gets" to do away from home, especially since he'd rather be home anyway.

5. We are really, really bad at this one. Especially since we have two babies and three young kids and babysitters for all of them would be way beyond our budget. But we do take time to talk every night that we can, and watch movies and shows that we like together, and work together on chores or projects or errands when it's practical to do so.

6. We communicate openly, don't take things too seriously (it's not brain surgery. It should be fun.), and try earnestly to understand each other. He gets that there are times that I'm exhausted or recovering from childbirth or not feeling well, and I keep in mind that it's an important way for him to feel love from me and that I should be mindful that things not go too long between.

7. We need to be better about having fun play time together with our children. We've talked about doing things like hiking, playing games that don't involve a screen, etc. It's easiest with our oldest daughter because she shares our love of books, so we read the same books and talk about them. We try to have a fun, playful atmosphere in our house (results definitely vary here). I think you could insert the importance of family dinners around the table and FHE here.

8. It's taken developing some humility on my part to me being open to my husband's suggestions. Sometimes it feels like an affront to how I'm doing things, but then I do as I mentioned before and remember where his heart is and that he's only trying to help me, not hurt. I think I have gotten pretty good at asking him how he thinks things should be done around the house and with the kids, and honestly I think he's a lot happier when I do that and seriously consider his viewpoint. He is my partner, and this was totally my failing for the first few years of marriage and especially parenthood.

9. For the most part, we're slow to anger with each other. There are a couple of things that trigger me, and of course him, too. I think what we've talked about most recently is trying to keep perspective and overlooking the small stuff. Another important thing seems to be dealing with really bothersome things as early as possible, before they fester and become huge things.

10. Communicating daily, praying for each other, planning together, and being mindful of each others' schedules and obligations seems to keep us in pretty good tune.

Thanks, this was a good and interesting exercise. It's good to think point by point and see what we're doing well, and where we can improve. Overall we are very happy together, but there is always room for improvement.

[applepansy]

Dr. Brinley is amazing. I have several of his books and my husband and went to a two-night class he gave here in our Stake. He has good practical gospel centered advice, which when followed has amazingly positive results.

[Guest]

1) Positive conversation: I can't think of any serious treatment on improving marriage that doesn't include some thought on increasing/improving conversation. It's so common, it's almost cliche. At the same time, routine conversation doesn't come naturally to everyone (including me). I find that I have to be very deliberate in putting things out there to share with my wife. A lot of time, I try to say something I wouldn't normally say just to get/keep a conversation going. I would be interested if anyone wanted to share how you have made positive conversation a part of your marriage, especially when it doesn't come naturally to you.

If you can post on lds.net you can converse with your spouse. Basically just tell her everything you post on lds.net, ask her what she thinks, and you're talking.

This is not a problem in our marriage - nor our family. We just got back from 10 days of vacation driving all over the place in our old van - at least 3,000 miles worth of it - staying at different hotels most of each night. In the car is my husband and I and the 2 children ages 8 and 10. No video player, no portable electronics. We talked the entire time. We brought several books on CD and we didn't even get the chance to listen to them - we were talking too much. The thing is, we are all interested in everything everyone has to say. My husband went for hours talking about the NFL with me and the 2 kids debating him on who's a better quarterback - Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers. We talked for hours on the real estate market, the GOP primaries, my kids' school stuff, the latest movies we watched, the latest books we read, these youtube videos my kids like to watch, etc. etc.

2) Show affection: As I read his paragraph on this, I took this to mean mostly non-sexual touching and other ways that we show each other we care. Without going to much into #6, this one is a mixed bag for me, but, as one whose primary love language is physical touch, I can say that non-sexual touch, cuddling, etc. can be important in communicating love and caring.

Affection goes beyond physical touch. My husband is not the touchy-feely kinda guy. But he calls me a jillion times a day just to hear my voice. Here's a conversation we always have on the phone:

DH: Hey, babe.

Me: Hey, babe.

DH: Whatcha doin'?

Me: Nothing much. You?

DH: Same-o, same-o.

Me: <silence>

DH: <silence>

after about 3 minutes or so...

DH: Ok, gotta go, love ya.

Me: love ya.

DH: <hangs up phone>

It's one of those things I really love about him. And then there's the emails he sends that has a picture attached to it - like when he found an alligator in the retention pond at his work, he took a photo off his phone, sent it to me via email saying, "hey, babe, look what I found at work!". I really love that - just him thinking about me when he sees something interesting.

And then, of course, there's the cuddling on the couch while watching TV - our nightly routine. He likes playing with my feet, I like playing with his ear. Yeah, we're wierd like that.

3) Remember that you are each other's therapists: I'm not quite sure what he means by this one. This point here seems to me to be about going beyond the "positive conversation" of point 1 and really opening up to each other. This can be tricky, though. Sometimes it is too easy to dismiss our spouses deepest feelings/dreams/wishes as unimportant because we don't seek to truly understand.

Basically, if I have a problem, I go to my husband. Even if my problem is my husband. He's my therapist. Sometimes he doesn't understand why it's a problem, it doesn't matter. He just knows it's a problem and I need help with it.

My husband is the typical male - if you tell him you have a problem, he feels he must find a solution. Women - or at least I - sometimes just want to tell him of the problem and I don't really want a solution... I just want somebody to listen to me and validate my feelings. So, I have to specifically tell him - I don't need you to do something about this problem - I just want you to listen to me.

My husband doesn't want me to solve his problems. I'm basically just an FYI when he tells me of a problem he's having - unless his problem is me, then I get to do something about it. But sometimes he tells me a problem and I see that he's not handling it correctly, so I ask him things like, "how about if you approach it like this..." or something like that. But, in the end, he does what he feels is the best way to solve the problem - even if I don't agree, I just leave him be.

4) Humility and Christlike attributes. Another point that I don't think I fully understood, but the one thing that stood out to me was trying to approach marriage as a team. Trying to work together to resolve problems rather than let our spouse solve their own problems while we sit on the sidelines and wait.

I think you misunderstood this one. Working together to resolve problems is under #3, I think.

If you really think about it, most marriages that end in divorce usually goes along the lines of: "I deserve better". That, to me, is an un-Christlike attribute. Imagine this: Jesus got scourged at the pilar, crowned with thorns, hung on the cross. It would be depressing if Jesus would have uttered, "I deserve better!", instead of, "Father, into thine hands I commend my spirit".

I am not perfect and neither is my husband. We put up with each other's weaknesses because we don't believe "we deserve better". We believe that we are to serve each other and help each other be better. In my family, we don't wait for "I'm sorry" before we say "I forgive you".

5) Date frequently: Another one that is almost cliche, but it is important to spend time together outside of the daily routine.

Make it a scheduled event. My husband and I go to the movies every Friday night. But then, I have to admit that most of the past couple of years, we've taken the kids with us because it's just more fun that way.

6) Enrich Intimacy: This is one of those little pet peeves for me -- using the word "intimacy" as a substitute for the word "sex." I can also understand, though, that the Ensign is supposed to be a "family" magazine, and the editors are trying to avoid any chance of offending readers, so we couch such concepts in these little code words that, IMO, rob the discussion of some of its teeth.

Anyway, from the point of view of one in a sexless marriage, this is an interesting part of the article. I'm gratified that he chose to include this idea in the article -- it is too often ignored. I find it interesting that he chose to include this separate from 2 - non-sexual touch, because the two parts need to be dealt with separately. At the same time, however, I sometimes find it difficult to keep them separate. It just gets hard to show non-sexual affection when it never leads anywhere.

Why does it have to lead somewhere? Can't you have intimate affection without having to expect sex out of it? Or are you saying you're not feeling affectionate when you're denied sex all the time?

Intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy is the entirety of it. A woman doesn't think of sex as only the 15 or so minutes of the act itself. It starts when you see your husband the very first time after waking up in the morning. How you treated your wife then is the start of the entire intimacy and goes on throughout the day so that how she felt about the first words you said to her during the day affects whether she'll be in the mood to have sex with you that night...

So yeah, enriching intimacy would definitely be a must-do if you want to have sex.

7) Spend time with children and grandchildren: This was an interesting inclusion. Many studies show that raising children adds a stressor to a marriage that isn't always good. At the same time, I would agree with him that sharing in the challenges and responsibilities of raising children provides a common endeavor to share in. If shared in the right ways, which will involve a lot of #1, #3, and #4, this can help a couple grow together rather than driving them apart.

I think you're misunderstanding this one. Sharing challenges and responsibilities in raising children is not optional. It's not something that drives couples apart - unless they don't know how to deal with challenges in general.

Spending time with children and grandchildren means spending quality family time so that #1 and #3 doesn't just involve the couple but include the rest of the family as well. LDS people are familiar with this. It's what FHE is all about.

8) Seek feedback: This one is really hard for me, because I'm not always sure I want the feedback. I'm in the middle of one of the Gottman's book, and they have a concept they call "flooding," where someone, in response to a difficult conversation/topic, becomes so emotional that they can't engage in the conversation. It can be really difficult to seek feedback when it scares you.

Goes back to #1 and #3. Feedback is part of it. Honesty is a house rule. My husband has no problem telling me I look fat if I ask him how I look in a particular dress. If I don't want to hear the truth, I don't ask the question. But then, how else can I know if I need to improve on something if I don't ask? But then, my husband is never cruel when answering questions, so I'm not afraid to ask.

9) Eliminate anger: This one almost seems self-evident. It is also way too common.

I don't agree with this completely. You can't eliminate anger. There will be something that will make you angry. Ignoring the feeling is not going to help. In my family, it's okay to be angry. We understand that anger is not AT someone but at a situation. We, of course, teach our children how to express anger in a constructive manner.

10) Be sensitive to each other's stress levels: This maybe goes back a little to #4, but we should strive to help each other rather than be part of increasing their stress levels.

This goes back to #1 and #3. If you're talking a lot and being each other's sounding board, you will be able to tell immediately if your spouse is stressed out and then you can adjust accordingly. My husband is awesome at this. He usually picks up my routine chores so I can go to bed earlier or read a book, etc. A lot of times, we would do my routine chores together so I don't feel guilty about "dumping" on him.

When my husband is stressed out he "tunes out". He'd usually just sit and watch some sports channel and ignore everybody. This is not the right time for me or the kids to tell him of our problems or engage him in conversation. You always see it coming because he'd be talking about something that I know is leading to this stress-out mode. This phase doesn't last long either, so we just wait it out.

[Backroads]

Didn't read the article, but it sounds great.

My hubby and I still seem to be in the honeymoon phase (not that I'm complaining, mind you), but I still think it's important.

The stuff on affection/intimacy is interesting. There still seems to be a lot of people who see sex as "dirty" or that there is no need for touch outside of sex. Not a good balance. I kind of see what you mean with them being connected: my husband and I actually had to come up with signals to let each other know if a touch is sexual or non--thought I suppose there's nothing wrong with a misinterpretation leading to intimacy.

On that note, my husband's love language is primarily physical touch as well--in his first marriage they struggled a lot with affection, be it sexual or just affectionate or whatever. He's learned that they really are not as separate as one might think. While the act of sex is important, for a healthy relationship they should be facets of the same thing. I recall reading recently in another magazine how some couples who couldn't have intercourse for whatever reason were noticeably more affectionate with each other in other ways--hand-holding, touching, etc--and those actions seemed to really help them through the struggle.

[MrShorty]

Thank you for your contributions. A few additional thoughts of my own.

I don't agree with this completely. You can't eliminate anger.

I was thinking about this today, and I think you are right. Considering the level of intimacy (emotional, etc.) expected in marriage, it is inevitable that there will be disagreements, irritations, and other potential causes for "anger." I can't remember exactly how he described it, but when Dr. Gottman said that he could predict divorce at a 90% accuracy rate, it seems that he said it was mostly about how a couple "argues." As he describes it, when a couple gets bogged down in his "four horsemen," they fail to manage their disagreements well, and excessive anger and resentment build up. Those couples who learn to avoid the four horsemen and learn to manage their "arguments" properly, grow closer together. I think you are right, Anatess. we can't eliminate (read suppress or deny or "cover") our anger. It will be their and we need to learn to deal with it, not just squash it.

Why does it have to lead somewhere? Can't you have intimate affection without having to expect sex out of it? Or are you saying you're not feeling affectionate when you're denied sex all the time?

Probably more the latter. Like Backroads said, sometimes it is hard to separate non-sexual and sexual touch. I certainly don't expect the hugs and kisses and cuddling and dishwashing and talking to lead to sex all the time. But I do wish it would lead somewhere more than once every few months.

So yeah, enriching intimacy would definitely be a must-do if you want to have sex.

I find myself getting to a point where this is problematic. From other things I've read of his, Br. Brinley really likes the "when sex is bad, something else must be wrong, too, so fix everything else that is wrong and sex will fix itself" line of thinking. I'm not sure it always works that way. Dr. Harley (of marriage builder's fame) says it's around 90%, but that's still not 100%. Dr. Slattery (from Focus on the Family) once said in an article that it would be just as easy to say that if you improve the sexual side of marriage, you will improve intimacy in other areas of marriage. I guess I'm not sure it is fair to universally state that sex is the last problem to fix. Probably my own bias, but there it is.

[Backroads]

Dr. Slattery (from Focus on the Family) once said in an article that it would be just as easy to say that if you improve the sexual side of marriage, you will improve intimacy in other areas of marriage.

I agree with this*

(* I have absolutely no formal education on the matter)

Sex often is such a fast and intense way to connect and to make good feelings. Maybe it's a short cut, but can't the bond that comes from sex be used to improve other things? i.e., we feel a connection for a few minutes, let's take advantage of that and attack another relationship problem while we're feeling good about each other?

[MrShorty]

To go along with Backroads last statement, this is from an article by Derek Hagey

Men often discover that when their wives feel loved outside the bedroom, they will respond more inside the bedroom. Similarly, Weiner-Davis ([in her book The Sex-Starved Marriage]) find that when wives are sexually responsive to their husbands, their husbands are more open to helping in areas outside the bedroom, such as with the housework.

Increasing Intimacy in Marriage

[Guest]

A sex therapy book by Dr. Weiner(-Davis)?