I am feeling like I am enabling bad behavior

[Just_8Guy]

I have read through many of the posts and I have been thinking about it. Her brother now owes us $6,000. I pretty much feel like we will never get the money back. I have written it off because I feel like I did not earn the money anyway. The Federal Government gave me that money because I have four kids so I do not feel I deserve it.

Anyways, what bothers me the most about this situation is not the money. If I were to incur $6,000 worth of debt because of stupid decisions my wife would be furiously angry with me. Her brother does it and it is okay. My wife and I do not date much. She doesn't care much about physical intimacy at all in the last year. Her greatest energy seems focused on caring for our six month old baby and earning enough money to visit her family who now live over a thousand miles away. She wants to fly me out there to visit to but I am not interested because I do not want to spend retirement money and we debts we still need to pay off. I think she cares about her siblings and parents more than me.

We have been fighting more about money today. She wants to buy a cellphone contract we do not need, fly a relative out to visit completely paying for all airline costs, and then go out again to visit her family in July.

We may not incur any debt over doing this but I have the philosophy of living beneath your means and laying up in store.

I know that I am not perfect. This marriage is partially my fault. I will be shocked if we are still married after our kids leave the house if this is the way things keep going. Sometimes I wonder if I even want to fight for our relationship at all. I do not know what is going to happen in the future.

[Just_A_Guy]

Just8, it's awesome that you're being so careful with the money and so dedicated to paying down your debt; but bear in mind that sometimes it's possible to get too zealous about saving up. I don't know who lives where or how often you see each other, but it's not unreasonable to fly a thousand miles to see your in-laws once or twice a year. Some of the things you mention her asking for do seem to be a little much; but this is all the stuff of which compromise is made.

As for the $6K, the flippant part of me would think about taking an equal amount and going out and buying a boat or an ATV or something ("Honey, if you can blow $6K, why can't I? At least my expenditures are getting us something we can enjoy!"). But realistically - frankly, I think you need to get some marriage counseling. If you can't work it out, you need to take some steps to protect yourself financially.

[sgp375]

My brother, too, has a very serious addiction (drug) problem. I totally understand what is going on here and I know both sides of it.

Some quick points for you:

Gambling problems affect the brain just as drug addictions do. a gambling addict and a drug addict behave and think the same way. If your wife's brother had a drug problem, obviously your wife would not be lending him money. but because it is gambling and not drugs, sometimes the line is more difficult to draw.

Addiction not only affects the addict, but everyone who cares about them.

1. Unfortunately, your wife is absolutely enabling her brother's addiction. Your wife's relationship with her brother and his addiction is what you would call "codependent".

. ( I suggest reading some books on codependent behavior to learn more about it and your wife's . difficulties. Just as there are a bajillion books on addiction recovery, it seems like there are even . . more on codependency.)

2.. Your brother-in-law's addiction can (and obviously is) have a negative and draining affect on your relationship with your wife. Again, this has to do with the codependency issue. You guys must learn to set boundaries to protect your new little family and you must communicate. Marriage counseling is wonderful!! The Church provides excellent marriage counsel.

( e.g., I think you and your wife should communicate more about finances and possibly learn to approach it in a different way. Especially when you guys are young and in debt!! Your wife should not be "informing" you of her decision but discussing her desires with you and you guys should work together.)

Most importantly****5. Your wife sounds like a very loving and compassionate woman. But it doesn't change the fact that she is most likely struggling with codependency. I struggled with codependency, and then, for years I struggled with having a mother who was codependent. At first, I would help my brother out in anyway and then I realized that I was enabling his addiction. My mom however was in denial of this, and with the best intentions, she would try to help my brother in anyway she could. This went on for years and it killed me. Because my mom did not realize that she was literally protecting and financing my brother's addiction. Pray for your wife's heart and mind to be opened to understanding. Pray to know how to help her. And seriously, buy some books on codependency for you and your wife to read. Be patient with your wife. Pray, pray, pray.

No one can fix a person's addiction. Loved ones can support and encourage recovery, but an addict must find the desire, determination, and commitment within themselves to recover.

*************

This is the Serenity prayer said at Alcoholics Anonymous "God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference." It applies to addicts and codependents alike.